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anne hathaway

Ellen DeGeneres Wants To Find Anne Hathaway A Lovely Young Man

by Stuart Heritage

Times are hard for Anne Hathaway – the only man she’s ever loved is in jail for being a dirty Pope-dressing conman.

In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.

Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.

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Anne Hathaway Poos On Barack Obama’s Cheesecake

by Stuart Heritage

We miss the election – truly it was the golden age of celebrities trying to be clever and ending up sounding like concussed sixth-formers.

Those days are long gone now – in less than a fortnight Barack Obama will become President Obama and the world’s celebrities can go back to concentrating on the important stuff, like skipping meals and starring in films about hilarious doggies.

That’s unless you’re Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway has decided to become a one-woman vetting committee determined not to let Barack Obama off the hook for anything. And she’ll chase answers with all the power that her gigantic face can summon.

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Prison’s Simply Too Ghastly For Poor Raffaello Follieri

by Stuart Heritage

Three weeks ago Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was sent to jail for defrauding strangers out of their savings.

And get this – he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.

According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.

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Anne Hathaway’s Naughty Ex Put Away Until Spring 2013

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you happen to be offered a suspiciously cheap piece of Catholic property by a man with a funny accent, don’t hesitate to buy it.

Seriously, buy it. It’s definitely legit. The only funny-accented man to ever defraud strangers with dodgy property deals spuriously linked to the Catholic church – Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri – has just been thrown in jail for four and a half years.

This is wonderful news for two reasons. Not only is Raffaello Follieri being punished for his crimes, but we all know that nature hates a vacuum. All we need to do is buy a phony bishop outfit, adopt a ludicrous continental European accent and con some idiots out of millions of dollars and we’re almost completely certain that we’ll have Anne Hathaway licking the side of our face by Halloween.

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Follieri Blames Anne Hathaway For Him Ripping Everyone Off

by Stuart Heritage

OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend – it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

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Anne Hathaway Does Alice in Wonderland, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

You always know what you’re getting with a new Tim Burton film – Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, resignation that the movie won’t be as good as Edward Scissorhands.

But one thing you you don’t get is big-faced actresses in the middle of slightly humiliating personal meltdowns. Well, you do now, because Anne Hathaway has just signed up to star in Tim Burton’s new adaptation of Alice In Wonderland.

In Alice In Wonderland, Anne Hathaway will play the White Queen – a pretty young woman who looks a bit stupid because her boyfriend pretended to be chums with the Pope to con strangers out of millions of dollars and then ended up in jail because of it. We have no idea why Tim Burton wanted Anne Hathaway for the role.

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Anne Hathaway Finally Talks About Her Follieri Split, Also Rugs

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a big day for Anne Hathaway’s ex, Rafaello Follieri – he’s expected to plead guilty to all his dodgy business dealings later.

So, obviously, it would be a good time for Anne Hathaway to maintain her silence over her suspiciously-timed split with Follieri. After all, when you split up with a man six hours before the FBI arrest him, you’d probably want the fuss to die down a little before you went shooting your mouth off about it.

Which is why we’ve got absolutely nothing to report from Anne Hathaway toda… what? Today just happens to be the exact day that Anne Hathaway’s decided to go public with her version of events? Right before Rafaello Follieri probably hears that he’s going to jail for several years? And she’s decided to do it by using a complex system of rug-positioning metaphors that don’t really make much sense? Do go on.

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Anne Hathaway’s Innermost Personal Emotions Seized By The Feds

by Stuart Heritage

You know, people only write diaries because they subconsciously want them to be read by federal agents investigating major fraud.

So, bearing that in mind, Anne Hathaway is the luckiest girl around at the moment. Not only does Anne Hathaway keep a diary, but her ex-boyfriend is in custody for massive wire fraud and money laundering. That means – you guessed it – Anne Hathaway’s diaries have been seized by the FBI as evidence! Score!

The implications of this are gigantic – if these diaries aren’t carefully protected then Anne Hathaway’s deepest personal secrets could be made horribly public. We may soon learn of Anne’s fears, her opinions on her co-stars or even that secret crush she’s been nursing for the dashing editor of a British entertainment blog lately.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

This week’s movers and fat people.

Folded:

* Craig Armstrong (composer whose exemplary work is pilfered for every programme the BBC ever makes)
* The Greatest Raid of All Time (repeat showing for this documentary about a daring WW2 raid that may just have won us the war. Again, Jeremy Clarkson demonstrating why he should stay away from cars)
* Roger Federer (he lost the Wimbledon final but he wore a cardy. He died in style)
* Capricorn One (on TV last week to remind us all how desperate for a remake we are. Sterling entertainment, but could be improved…)
* Anne Hathaway (looking hotter than lava in Get Smart)

Creased:

* Top Gear (old Top Gear, new Top Gear, same as always Top Gear)
* Rafael Nadal (amazing tennis player, but all that monkeying about on the rafters is not how we do things here)
* Hancock (pity it wasn’t half hour)
* Gilmore Girls on E4 (load of mother/daughter bollocks)
* Megan Fox (looking a bit like she used to be a guy)

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Did Anne Hathaway Grass Her Shady Boyfriend Up To The Feds?

by Stuart Heritage

Anne Hathaway has it all – a glittering movie career, a winning personality and a face that’s just very slightly too big for her skull.

But there’s one thing that Anne Hathaway doesn’t have any more, and that’s a millionaire Italian boyfriend who’s been arrested for possibly telling lies about being pals with the Pope to trick other stupider millionaires into giving him truckloads of cash. She hasn’t even got one of those. What an idiot.

Anyway, it seems as if Anne Hathaway bailed from her relationship with Raffaello Follieri right before he was arrested by the FBI and locked up on a $21 million bail. A lucky escape? Not according to some friends of Follieri, who are now claiming that Anne Hathaway was the person who ratted him out to the FBI in the first place. Exciting, huh? Just imagine how much more exciting it’d be if a) we knew who Raffaello Follieri was and b) we gave a toss about Anne Hathaway.

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