But that poses a problem for us. This massive preoccupation with Oscars red carpet fashion leaves hecklerspray a little bit hamstrung – we didn’t send a photographer to the Oscars to take photos of the dresses, and we also don’t have enough money to pay the big picture agencies to use their red carpet photos.

However, this problem can be overcome with a little imaginative thinking. So join us after the jump for the first ever hecklerspray red carpet non-copyright gallery.

Oscars red carpet fashion has always been a bit of a thorny subject for hecklerspray. It’s one of the main reasons why people watch the Oscars in the first place – they certainly don’t watch to see Sean Penn drone on like a massive bore – but we’ve never had the resources to actually show any of the Oscars dresses to you.

Previously we’ve experimented with describing the dresses, but that didn’t work. Then we tried to be sarcastic about it and fell on arse again. But now, finally, we’ve come across the best way to tell you about the Oscars red carpet fashion even though it happened two days ago and you’ve already seen all the photos a million times before – the devilishly-accurate courtroom-style artist’s impression. Ready?

ANNE HATHAWAY

As you can see, Anne Hathaway brought a touch of old-school glamour to the Oscars red carpet with a shimmering Armani Prive gown covered in paillettes.

BEYONCE

As this picture perfectly demonstrates, Beyonce turned several heads on the Oscars red carpet with this daring House of Dereon number.

KATE WINSLET

Like a true fashion original, Kate Winslet combined a black embroidered Yves Saint Laurent gown with a coif to truly wonderful effect. This picture exactly reproduces her Oscar red carpet look.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Reese Witherspoon really set the cat amongst the Oscar red carpet fashion pigeons with this avant-garde Rodarte frock, which looked so much like this picture that it’s scary.

MILEY CYRUS

Miley Cyrus turned up the Oscars dressed like a poxy Christmas tree or something. Buggered if we know.

There, that should be your Oscars red carpet fashion taken care of for another year. But just in case you’re stupid and want to see some actual photos, Popsugar has an impressive large Oscars red carpet gallery.

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But even though most of the world would rather crap out it’s spinal column than watch the Golden Globes, at least there’s one person who’s looking forward to it - Anne Hathaway. Anne’s up for an award and she’s JACKED about it!

And we know that this is our third Anne Hathaway story in two days. It’s just a quiet news day. That’s all. We’re not stalking her. There are papers saying we can’t to do that any more.

There’s more to Anne Hathaway than creepy criminal ex-boyfriends, a party-dampening mistrust of beloved public figures and a gaping loneliness so vast that she has to crawl to middle-aged lesbians for romantic guidance, you know. She’s also, apparently, an actress.

And not just an actress who only stars in gormless-looking red-font comedies about hilarious weddings, either – Anne Hathaway is a serious actress who occasionally stars in very serious films about grumpy people who mumble a lot. After all, that’s the way to win awards, we heard.

Which is why Anne Hathaway is up for a best actress Golden Globe for her role in Rachel Getting Married, which is an important film because a) it’s got a bad-tempered woman who hardly wears any make-up on it and b) we couldn’t even watch a two-minute preview of it without getting bored, losing track of what was going on and wondering what we’d have for tea.

But at least it’s earnt Anne Hathaway a Golden Globe nomination, which is either a tantalising portent of an Oscar victory or an impractically-shaped wedge of metal handed to you by some journalists with funny accents, depending on how you look at these things. Anyway, Anne’s totally PSYCHED about it, as she told the LA Times:

“I haven’t attended that many award shows in my life. The Golden Globes: I’ve [only] been [there as] part of film that’s been nominated – that’s actually the only time I’ve gone. It’s very exciting to be singled out for an individual performance. That hasn’t happened to me very much in my career.”

Well, we’re just thrilled for Anne Hathaway. But not as thrilled as we suspect the Golden Globes organisers are – this is the first recorded instance of someone expressing an interest in the show for over three decades. Honestly, if you took everyone on the planet who cared about the Golden Globes and bundled them into the boot of a car, it’s estimated that nobody at all would notice. Not even those people’s parents.

Anyway, just for her exuberance alone we hope that Anne Hathaway wins her Golden Globe, and then goes on to win an Oscar as well. And we’re saying that only because we want to see what she’s like in a relentless succession of bone-dry films about complex real-life international issues that nobody would ever dream of paying to watch. That’s how it works, isn’t it?

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In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.

Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.

We all know that Anne Hathaway has trust issues. If she pins her political hopes on a politician, he’ll end up breaking her heart by siding with the crazy old Jesus-nuts. If she trusts a director when he tells her that he wants her for a blockbuster movie, he’ll end up breaking her heart by making Bride Wars.

And if Anne Hathaway gives her heart to a man, he’ll end up breaking that heart and trying to use the remains as capital in some sort of elaborate Vatican-related Ponzi scheme. And Anne Hathaway needs that heart – it’s the only one powerful enough to pump blood around all the different parts of her big face.

But if there’s one person who can identify with Anne Hathaway it’s Ellen DeGeneres. She, too, has loved and lost – although admittedly the thing she loved and lost was a puppy. And she lost it on purpose because it kept shitting everywhere. But that’s beside the point. Ellen DeGeneres is on Anne Hathaway’s side, and that’s all that matters.

Ellen DeGeneres is so on Anne Hathaway’s side, in fact, that she’s made it her own personal mission to find her a boyfriend. And, hey, forget that Anne Hathaway already sort of has a boyfriend a bit anyway – Ellen is going to find her a real man. A real man like Rosie O’Donnell.

OK, not like Rosie O’Donnell at all. But here’s the San Francisco Chronicle with more:

During Hathaway’s appearance on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” the host tells the actress: “If you need someone, I will find you a boyfriend. I’m really good at it.” A red-faced Hathaway replies, “Did you see how nervous I just got?” DeGeneres adds, “You don’t even have to date. You can go straight to commitment.”

Now, admittedly, that’s a bit of a gamble. Ellen DeGeneres isn’t exactly consistent when it comes to picking romantic partners for herself, so Anne Hathaway shouldn’t hold her breath – while it’s perfectly feasible that Ellen would pick Anne someone 10,000 leagues above her, like she managed herself with Portia De Rossi, there’s also a pretty good change that she’d end up trying to set her up with lunatic berserko with an alter-ego named Celestia who’s the half sister of Jesus and can talk to aliens. Anne Heche, in other words.

And if that all falls through, there’s always us. We’re much better than Anne Hathaway’s last boyfriend. We’d never dress up as a priest and defraud the elderly. True, that’s because dressing up as the devil and defrauding the terminally ill has proven more effective for us. But let’s not split hairs. Call us, Anne.

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Those days are long gone now – in less than a fortnight Barack Obama will become President Obama and the world’s celebrities can go back to concentrating on the important stuff, like skipping meals and starring in films about hilarious doggies.

That’s unless you’re Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway has decided to become a one-woman vetting committee determined not to let Barack Obama off the hook for anything. And she’ll chase answers with all the power that her gigantic face can summon.

This is just a stab in the dark, but we’re guessing that Anne Hathaway probably has one or two man issues at the moment. She’s let men into her life before, and she was so blinded by their charisma and charm that she didn’t notice they were sneaking away to rip off loads of old ladies by dressing up as the Pope and asking for all their money behind her back.

Fool Anne Hathaway once, though, shame on you. But fool her and she can’t get fooled again. And that’s why Anne Hathaway is determined not to let another man get close to her unless he earns her trust completely. And that’s as true for imminent American presidents as it is for squat little European men with funny voices and a bishop’s mitre stashed in their filing cabinet.

During last year’s endless American election, the celebrity reaction was fairly universal - John McCain and Sarah Palin were so terrifying that all they could do was film themselves spinning around in their garden spouting gibberish, while Barack Obama was such a glowing beacon of hope that their awe of him could only be expressed via toe-curlingly awful songs.

So, in the run-up to Barack Obama’s inauguration, you’d expect nothing but undying support and the odd breakout of gormless whooping among the celebrity community, but not so – Anne Hathaway has decided to take a stand against Obama’s decision to let tubby evangelist nutjob Rick Warren do his invocation during the ceremony.

Taking time out from her promotional tour of Bride Wars – which is a Kate Hudson movie so presumably she’s playing Matthew McConaughey – Anne Hathaway told E! Online:

“I expect him to explain that choice of Rick Warren. I don’t get it. All my friends and I were trying to figure it out, but we just can’t. So I’d love that.”

Good for Anne Hathaway, we say – politicians shouldn’t lose accountability just because Matt Damon happens to like them. In fact, we’re so impressed by Anne’s dogged pursuit for political transparency that we’d like her to go into politics full time. Actually, to be more accurate, we’d like her to go into the study of special and general relativity full time until she’s able to build a time machine, unmake Bride Wars and Get Smart and then go into into politics. Shouldn’t be too tricky.

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And get this – he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.

According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.

Fate’s a bugger, isn’t it? One minute you’re living the high life, mixing with world leaders and filmstars on expensive yachts and then going home to have it away with one of the world’s most beautiful women, and the next you’re trapped in an airless room the size of a shoebox with dozens of angry criminals all sharing the same rat-infested shower room.

That’s the fate that Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend and Vatican-based property scammer extraordinaire Raffaello Follieri has found himself in. Since he was arrested for conning rafts of gullible strangers out of millions of dollars back in June, Raffaello Follieri’s life has been plunged into a downwards spiral that’s involved being dumped by Anne Hathaway, being kept in remand because of his unusually high flight risk and, most recently, being sentenced to four and a half years in jail.

And all through this, Raffaello Follieri has taken all the blows like a man. Unfortunately he’s been taking them like an Italian man, which means that he’s done nothing but bitch about it all like a whiny little princess. He’s already said that he only started conning people so that Anne Hathaway would love him, and now he’s moved onto the state of his accommodation.

Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer has requested that her client be moved into a slightly more luxurious facility because the interim dormitory he’s being housed in is so dirty that it’s made him a little bit poorly. E! Online reports:

“He says that he cannot eat because the food appears to be spoiled and that the toilet and shower facilities are unspeakably unsanitary,” attorney Flora Edwards wrote in a letter released Wednesday to Reuters. Follieri is running a fever and has blood in his urine, the letter continued. “There is excrement in the shower and rats are roaming freely in the area. He says the stench is intolerable and his health is deteriorating.”

Spoiled food? Stinking, unsanitary toilets? Shit-covered, rat-infested showers? We don’t know where exactly Raffaello Follieri is being held, but we’ve got a hunch it might be Benidorm.

Anyway, we hope that Raffaello Follieri gets his wish and is moved to a slightly nicer detention centre as quickly as possible. After all, he’s in jail to be punished for a crime he committed, and he’s never going to learn how to regret his actions if he’s too busy squealing that his toilet smells like bums, is he?

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Seriously, buy it. It’s definitely legit. The only funny-accented man to ever defraud strangers with dodgy property deals spuriously linked to the Catholic church – Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri – has just been thrown in jail for four and a half years.

This is wonderful news for two reasons. Not only is Raffaello Follieri being punished for his crimes, but we all know that nature hates a vacuum. All we need to do is buy a phony bishop outfit, adopt a ludicrous continental European accent and con some idiots out of millions of dollars and we’re almost completely certain that we’ll have Anne Hathaway licking the side of our face by Halloween.

If we were Anne Hathaway – which, honestly, is something we only dream about for like four or five hours a day – then we’d go hell for leather for the next four and a half years. We’d make as many films as possible, do as many talk shows as possible, go to all the parties and get romantically linked with as many British entertainment bloggers as possible, because this is her one shot at success without the shadow of her shady ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri looming behind her.

By pretending to be the Vatican’s chief financial officer and waving around a letter that he said the Pope wrote him, Raffaello Follieri was able to con all sorts of people out of millions of dollars in ill-advised property scams, and now he’s been punished for it.

And punished for it in the worst possible way – for the next four and a half years, Raffaello Follieri is going to be the man who looks most like Zach Braff in the entire US prison system, something which can only logically end up with a string of harrowing angry gang rapes. AP reports:

“I dishonored my family name and embarrassed the church I love. I’ll never be able to wash away that stain, and I will have to live with it the rest of my life,” Raffaello Follieri, 30, said through an Italian interpreter before he was sentenced. “I just hope someday those who have been hurt by my actions can forgive me.”

That’s odd. We assumed that the judge would take pity on Raffaello Follieri’s argument that he only defrauded all those investors so that Anne Hathaway would love him. After all, everybody knows that deep down they’d kick a puppy into a flooded quarry if it meant that Anne Hathaway would even look at them for a second, so defrauding a couple of religious property types hardly seems like that big a deal.

But at least now this means that Anne Hathaway is free of Raffaello Follieri, the man who was starting to become a bit of an albatross around her neck, forever. Even once he’s been released from jail, Follieri is going to be instantly deported back to Italy, so their paths will never have to ever cross ever again.

Well, until Anne Hathaway invariably decides to make Get Smart 4: Mamma Mia, Thassa One Spicy Meatball! in his hometown 2014, at least. We can only pray that the icecaps melt and kill us all long before then.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

Men turn to crime for many different reasons. Some are desperate and some are simply opportunists, but not Raffaello Follieri. Raffaello Follieri turned to crime for the purest reason there is – he wanted to dick an actress.

Chances are you know Raffaello Follieri’s story by now – how he played up false ties to the Catholic Church to con strangers out of millions of dollars in dodgy property deals and got arrested and now faces a four-year jail sentence – but we’ve only just learnt why it all happened.

It’s because all Raffaello Follieri wanted to do was keep his girlfriend Anne Hathaway happy and stocked up with flowers and jewellery and boxes of puppies and expensive breakfast cereal and whatever product it is that keeps her hair so lustrous and sexy. And the only way he could do that was to bring misery to a series of innocent property investors. If anything it should be Anne Hathaway who’s in prison, the bitch.

We’re paraphrasing, but that’s more or less the jist of the papers recently submitted to court by Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer requesting a sentence of three, rather than four, years in jail. The exact wording is:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous…He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars…

OK, OK Raffaello, you’ve won us over. That sounds like a marvellous property deal. Now where do we sign the… hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t even a paragraph about your property scam and you still almost managed to con us out of our savings. You’re good, Follieri, we’ll give you that.

There’s another week to go until we can find out if Rafaello Follieri’s plea worked, because that’s when his sentencing is due. In the meantime, all he can do is sit and reflect on all the trouble that having a movie star girlfriend like Anne Hathaway can cause.

In fact we should all reflect on that. Let’s make a pact – none of us will go out with Anne Hathaway in case we’re dragged into a life of crime to fund it. Instead, we should probably all turn our sights onto Jennifer Aniston, because we hear that she lets you be her boyfriend for a ham sandwich and a go on your rollerskates.

But one thing you you don’t get is big-faced actresses in the middle of slightly humiliating personal meltdowns. Well, you do now, because Anne Hathaway has just signed up to star in Tim Burton’s new adaptation of Alice In Wonderland.

In Alice In Wonderland, Anne Hathaway will play the White Queen – a pretty young woman who looks a bit stupid because her boyfriend pretended to be chums with the Pope to con strangers out of millions of dollars and then ended up in jail because of it. We have no idea why Tim Burton wanted Anne Hathaway for the role.

Anne Hathaway needs to take her mind off everything at the moment. Sure, she might be earning some Oscar buzz for her turn in Rachel Getting Married – primarily, from what we can tell, for looking a bit sad in a movie filmed on a handheld camera where everyone mumbles a lot – but that hasn’t stopped people talking about her personal life.

It wasn’t so long ago that Anne Hathaway split up with her boyfriend Rafaello Follieri right before he was arrested for defrauding people by playing up his connections to the Vatican in a dodgy property scam. Even now, during the promotion for Rachel Getting Married, Anne Hathaway only gets asked questions about what it’s like to have a big wanker for a boyfriend.

So it’s only natural for Anne Hathaway to want to get away from all that – and she’s planning to do that by starring in Tim Burton’s new Alice in Wonderland movie – a movie that will also star Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp. And nobody else. Probably. BBC News reports:

Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter are to star in Tim Burton’s Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, according to US media. The Hollywood Reporter says Brokeback Mountain star Hathaway will play the White Queen while Burton’s fiancee Bonham Carter will play the Red Queen. Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s novel is slated for release in March 2010.

It almost seems as if Anne Hathaway is deliberately trying to make as many different films as she can. She’s done kid’s films, romantic comedies, indie movies, arthouse movies, summer comedies and, in Havoc, badly-advised movies about nothing where she got to take off her top and pretend to have a wank. And now she’s doing a Gothic fantasy adaptation of a beloved novel.

Wonderful – that only leaves straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal action movies and porn on Anne Hathaway’s movie genre checklist. And we do love Steven Seagal. But what’s Alice in Wonderland actually going to be like?

Well, since Alice in Wonderland is a Tim Burton movie that stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, it’s probably fair to describe it as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder, Sweeney Todd but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder still, The Corpse Bride but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason.

Unless in Alice In Wonderland people do break into song for no reason. In which case we’re all buggered.

So, obviously, it would be a good time for Anne Hathaway to maintain her silence over her suspiciously-timed split with Follieri. After all, when you split up with a man six hours before the FBI arrest him, you’d probably want the fuss to die down a little before you went shooting your mouth off about it.

Which is why we’ve got absolutely nothing to report from Anne Hathaway toda… what? Today just happens to be the exact day that Anne Hathaway’s decided to go public with her version of events? Right before Rafaello Follieri probably hears that he’s going to jail for several years? And she’s decided to do it by using a complex system of rug-positioning metaphors that don’t really make much sense? Do go on.

Rafaello Follieri’s had quite the turnaround in recent months. Not so long ago he was living the high life, trotting around the world, chatting idly with world leaders, with one of the world’s most beautiful – if alarmingly big-faced – actresses as his girlfriend.

Now, though, Rafaello Follieri has none of that. Today he’s expected to plead guilty to all the wire fraud conspiracy charges he was arrested for, which means that pretty soon he’ll be trotting round a cell, shitting idly into a bucket, with one of the jail’s burliest – if alarmingly tattooed and violent – prisoners as his girlfriend.

According to some reports, Rafaello Follieri can expect a jail sentence of anywhere between 51 and 63 months in jail as a result of his alleged crimes – but we suspect that’ll be the least of his worries now that his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway has started running around blurting out secrets about their split.

That’s not exactly a surprise given that reports have suggested Anne Hathaway may have been tipped off about the arrest beforehand, allowing her to quickly chuck Rafaello Follieri by phone, wash her hands of it all and walk out unscathed. But to do it now, on Follieri’s big day in court, just seems berserk.

Nevertheless, that’s what she’s done, to W magazine. So Anne Hathaway, we’re ready. Discuss your split from Rafaello Follieri, and if you could possibly use as many physically impossible conceits about decorative floor coverings, that’d be great too:

“As soon as I found out about the arrest, I had to get on a plane to Mexico to do a press tour for ‘Get Smart,’ And then I spent a week in shock at a friend’s house. It’s a situation where the rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. But just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me. One said, ‘Go stay at my house.’”

Yeah, that’s all very well and everything Anne Hathaway, but have you ever tried to throw a rug under someone? It’s bloody impossible. Their feet keep getting in the way. Sure, it’s easier if you simultaneously jump as they’re throwing the rug, but then it wouldn’t be as sudden and unexpected as you’re making out, would it? Maybe if it was a very thin rug and you were standing on a virtually frictionless surface and they used enough force…

Wait a minute here. We see what you’re doing Anne Hathaway – you’re lobbing all these mentions of rug aerobics around to distract us from the real issue here, aren’t you? You’re hoping that we’ll end up so busy trying to draw theoretical diagrams of how your friend managed to throw a rug underneath you that we’ll forget to ask you about exactly how much you knew about Rafaello Follieri’s shenanigans before his arrest, aren’t you? Well congratulations Anne Hathaway. Your plan worked.

Also, we’re not really that arsed one way or the other. That probably helped as well, to be fair.

So, bearing that in mind, Anne Hathaway is the luckiest girl around at the moment. Not only does Anne Hathaway keep a diary, but her ex-boyfriend is in custody for massive wire fraud and money laundering. That means – you guessed it – Anne Hathaway’s diaries have been seized by the FBI as evidence! Score!

The implications of this are gigantic – if these diaries aren’t carefully protected then Anne Hathaway’s deepest personal secrets could be made horribly public. We may soon learn of Anne’s fears, her opinions on her co-stars or even that secret crush she’s been nursing for the dashing editor of a British entertainment blog lately.

It was love at first sight when Anne Hathaway met Raffaello Follieri in 2004. How could it not be? She said “Hi, I’m the up-and-coming star of The Princess Diaries,” and he said “Lovely to meet you – I allegedly con several idiots out of millions of dollars by claiming to be a property developer who’s friends with the Pope.” The rest was history.

Pretty crap history, to be honest, but history nonetheless – Raffaello Follieri was arrested on 11 counts of fraud and is currently in jail under a $21 million bail and some suggest that it was Anne Hathaway who deliberately got him arrested in the first place. So what now?

Well that depends who you are. If you’re a criminal prosecutor involved in the case you’ll be painstakingly piecing together a compelling argument against Raffaello Follieri in order to halt his criminal wrongdoings in their track. Or, if you’re anyone else, you’ll be wishing like hell that Anne Hathaway’s private diaries that were just seized by the FBI as evidence will somehow make their way into the public.

Although Anne Hathaway isn’t under investigation in the Follieri case, her diaries have been confiscated by federal agents on the off-chance that they help. The New York Daily News reports:

The agents confiscated the intimate diaries of the “Devil Wears Prada” star during another raid on Follieri’s $37,500-a-month Trump Tower pad, according to the sources… Agents are also said to have seized photos of Follieri with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Pope John Paul II, and John and Cindy McCain.

We’ve got no idea why a photo of Raffaello Follieri standing next to John McCain is particularly incriminating – unless John McCain happened to be the guest speaker at the 12th Annual International Property Fraud Expo or something – but it’s fairly obvious why Anne Hathaway’s diaries were taken.

Face it, the absolute best case scenario for the FBI would be to uncover an entry reading “Dear diary, today Raff defrauded 18 rich idiots out of several million dollars, which we spent on puppydogs and jetskis. I love Raff and think all people are idiots.”

That’s probably not likely to show up, so the Feds are probably going to have to make do with the entry that reads “Dear diary, today I had a sleepover at Jennifer’s house. I’ve never seen so many young girls on the cusp of womanhood in such skimpy pyjamas! And Jennifer’s bedroom is quite small, so we all had to wriggle really close together! It got so sweaty, diary!”

We’re sure that would probably make do quite well.

Folded:

• Craig Armstrong (composer whose exemplary work is pilfered for every programme the BBC ever makes)
• The Greatest Raid of All Time (repeat showing for this documentary about a daring WW2 raid that may just have won us the war. Again, Jeremy Clarkson demonstrating why he should stay away from cars)
• Roger Federer (he lost the Wimbledon final but he wore a cardy. He died in style)
• Capricorn One (on TV last week to remind us all how desperate for a remake we are. Sterling entertainment, but could be improved…)
• Anne Hathaway (looking hotter than lava in Get Smart)

Creased:

• Top Gear (old Top Gear, new Top Gear, same as always Top Gear)
• Rafael Nadal (amazing tennis player, but all that monkeying about on the rafters is not how we do things here)
• Hancock (pity it wasn’t half hour)
• Gilmore Girls on E4 (load of mother/daughter bollocks)
• Megan Fox (looking a bit like she used to be a guy)

But there's one thing that Anne Hathaway doesn't have any more, and that's a millionaire Italian boyfriend who's been arrested for possibly telling lies about being pals with the Pope to trick other stupid millionaires into giving him truckloads of cash. She hasn't even got one of those. What an idiot.

Anyway, it seems as if Anne Hathaway bailed from her relationship with Raffaello Follieri right before he was arrested by the FBI and locked up on a $21 million bail. A lucky escape?

Not according to some friends of Follieri, who are now claiming that Anne Hathaway was the person who ratted him out to the FBI in the first place. Exciting, huh? Just imagine how much more exciting it'd be if a) we knew who Raffaello Follieri was and b) we gave a toss about Anne Hathaway.

Female celebrities love a bad boy, whether it's Barbara Windsor and Ronnie Knight, Mel B and a man who once killed a duck with a brick or Alicia Keys and every fictional boyfriend she's ever had in any of her music videos ever. 

Even Anne Hathaway loves a bad boy. True, she might appear so wholesome and perfect that if you snuck up behind her and sawed her legs off at the knees she'd bleed wires and microchips instead of sloppy knee-guts, but Anne Hathaway's relationship with shady Italian businessman Raffaello Follieri has put an end to that image.

You'll remember that Raffaello Follieri was arrested recently over suspicions that he conned several rich dimwits out of millions of dollars by telling them that he was a great friend of the Pope and that the Pope had given him a cheeky heads-up on some cheap, cheap property investment opportunities, or something. Anyway, the law is taking this arrest so seriously that Follieri is still imprisoned pending a $21 million bail.

But the big question is who got Raffaello Follieri arrested in the first place? A highly-trained team of FBI agents who'd been investigating his business dealings with the expertise accrued from investigating hundreds of similar cases over a period spanning several years? Don't be daft, it was that bloody Anne Hathaway woman, wasn't it? Or maybe not!

Anyway, that's the case put forward by some of Follieri's friends, presumably after they'd finished bombing around Lake Como on speedboats braying and complimenting each other on the pastel cardigans they'd tied around their shoulders like a gang of foppishly ineffectual superheroes. Anyway, the New York Daily News has details:

"It makes sense," the friend said. "She's referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment, even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up… I think that in return for her co-operation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country."

It's an interesting point, isn't it? What if Anne Hathaway decided that the best way to protect her career was to leave Raffaello in the lurch and dob him in to the cops? That way Anne Hathaway would remain blissfully free of controversy, except for that one movie she made where she got naked; a movie which, if our local DVD store is correct, is called Crikey Shit! Look At Anne Hathaway's Hooters! Look At Them!

But, whatever claims have been made against Anne Hathaway, there's just something about this story that doesn't ring true. Call us crazy, but we'd have thought that Anne would have wanted to be implicated in large-scale criminal fraud trial.

Because, seriously, if we were given a choice between that and having to repeatedly admit to an involvement in the movie remake of Get Smart, we'd have picked the former every time.

Traditionally, we hear that Anne Hathaway goes crazy for that sort of stuff. Swindle a few dopey millionaires out of all their cash with a scam involving the Vatican and Anne Hathaway will be tugging at your underwear like some kind of lust-demented wildebeest.

That's what Raffaello Follieri has been accused of doing, anyway. True, he's been charged with wire fraud and money laundering for it and is being kept on a staggering $21 million bail because he's such a flight risk, but it did mean that he got to see what Anne Hathaway's hooters looked like. Admittedly he could have just watched that movie Havoc instead and saved himself a potential nine-year jail sentence, but to be fair it does look quite rubbish.

Anne Hathaway hasn't been much of a hecklerspray target in the past because she just seems too squeaky clean. She's not the sort of person who looks like she'd be caught shaving off her hair in the middle of a distressing meltdown or getting ripped to the tits on drugs and smashing her car into a tree. 

Luckily, though, it seems that Anne Hathaway is the sort of person who'd shack up with a man who's been charged with defrauding people out of millions of dollars by claiming he was basically the Pope's accountant. Which is handy.

Hathaway's ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was yesterday charged with 12 counts of wire fraud conspiracy, wire fraud and money laundering, after he apparently conned strangers into parting with over $6 million in a dodgy catholic church property scam thought to involve dressing people up as senior clergymen to show how down he was with the Vatican. The Associated Press reports:

Bail was set at $21 million for Raffaello Follieri. Federal prosecutors said they have "overwhelming" evidence that he improperly spent up to $6 million from investors, much of it on a lavish lifestyle… Prosecutor Reed Michael Brodsky said Follieri, of Foggia, Italy, boasted of tight Vatican connections to entice investors to give millions of dollars so he could "live the lifestyle of a multimillionaire."

Because of this alleged swindling, Follieri was able to woo Anne Hathaway with his expensive apartment, dinners at the fanciest restaurants, flights in private jets and, apparently, the services of a dog-walking company. Remember, the fastest way to a girl's heart is via her dog's legs.

Although prosecutors apparently have enough evidence against Follieri to justify his $21 million bail, it was all for nothing. He and Anne Hathaway split up recently, so he'll have to fight his criminal trial alone. 

As for Anne Hathaway, however, she's once again young, free, single and ready to find someone who can rock her world in a similar way to Follieri.

If we were Lou Pearlman, we'd probably be investing in some breathmints right now.