Expect the wrath of the media and parental groups to go in to overdrive with the announcement that BBC Four are planning to screen an opera based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. Despite the channel screening most of its content late at night and sadly having fewer viewers that its God awful sister station BBC Three, a lynch mob will be formed.

But why? What could be so disgusting about the prospect of a balding composer writing some uplifting music whilst some people sing along?

Well, we have to think of the children you see and we can’t expose them to a late night channel they’d probably never watch about a former Playboy model. It’s not like young boys and tits go together like jelly and ice-cream. Operas are usually about people falling in love and other mushy stuff. Not tit models who marry pensioners. Perhaps BBC Four want to expand their audience?

So here’s the guff to make this sound like a traditional opera that wouldn’t make anyone change their opinion on it. After all, Lady Gaga doesn’t feature, and there isn’t a shit drum and base remix in the works by Pendulem:

In a collaboration between BBC Productions, the Royal Opera House and Olivier award-winning composer Mark Anthony Turnage, the title role will be sung by Dutch soprano Eva-Maria Westbroek. The librettist is Richard Thomas and the director is Richard Jones, with Antonio Pappano on the podium.

No numpty, that isn’t Danielle Westbrook, just in case your eyes momentarily developed dyslexia.

But just before you all head home to join a Facebook group about “loving it when buttered toast doesn’t fall butter side down,” this opera might get you interested. Even though it’s something more up Channel 4’s alley, The Guardian tells us that the Anna Nicole Smith opera will:

“Dramatise the life of Smith, who married oil tycoon J Howard Marshall, more than 60 years her senior, in 1994 and then after his death the following year was drawn into a lengthy legal battle over the settlement of his estate. Smith died of a prescription drugs overdose in 2007, aged 39.”

In a nutshell for anyone who isn’t aware of the story, she got her boobies out for old man pervert Hugh Heffner whose wrinkly fingers and hairy ears must have turned Anna Nicole Smith right on. From there, she moved in to the creative world of stripping where she saw another old man called J Howard Marshall. Breaking the strict code of the stripper, she did more than just make us cock hard, but married him.

If this was a Disney film, the two would have married and lived happily ever after. But this is brutal real life where dreams don’t come true. The strange thing about this relationship was that J Howard Marshall was a decaying old man and Anna Nicole Smith was sixty years younger. The haters in all this will argue that love conquers all, but he was an oil tycoon worth millions, she just gave handjobs on the side.

We will be watching this, not just for the way of seeing boobs, but how they vaguely try and make it look sophisticated.

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Not so long ago Uncle Hecklerspray sat you on its knee and told you about Mariah Carey’s champagne-inspired ‘Best Breakthrough Actress’ award acceptance speech at the Palm Springs International Film Festival awards.

Well, it’s time to nestle yourselves back onto Uncle’s lap again. That’s it, get comfortable. Why don’t you fetch yourself a nice big mug of Horlick’s and listen to your Uncle H tell you about some more celebrities who’ve been on TV worse for wear. Say, 12 of them? Okay.

Just don’t touch Uncle Hecklerspray’s beard while he’s talking…

12 – Ollie Reed on Aspel & Company

The king of the elbow-benders Oliver Reed once drank 106 pints of beer in a two day session. Demonstrating his love of the shant here (and also an alarming penchant for chinos), he jazzes up what looks to be an otherwise dull programme. Michael Aspel interviewing Su Pollard anyone?

11 – Ollie Reed on After Dark

Reed made lubricated appearances on other shows such as The Word, but his appearance on After Dark, a tedious eighties late-night discussion show trumps them all. Sloshed throughout and barely comprehensible, his interjections on feminism don’t go down very well. Much like a feminist. The crowning glory here is the line, “Give us a kiss, big tits!” Gawd bless ya’, Ollie.

10 – Kerry Katona on This Morning

No-one wants to read about the frozen food-whoring, oxygen-stealing former Atomic Kitten. But this list would be incomplete without mention of her “M’on meddy-cashion at night times thass why I’m schlurrin’ ma speeeeech” silliness. Kudos to Philip Schofield for maximum patronisation here, although we are duty-bound to inform you that Katona maintains she wasn’t actually drunk through any of this.

9 – Ben Affleck

Being a Hollywood star’s quite good isn’t it? You drink complementary champagne with Matt Damon until 4am, you go on TV the next day still steaming to promote your new film. You flirt with attractive French Canadian presenters. And share a cab home with her. Later your wife comes home, she’s Jennifer Garner. Yep, quite good.

8 – Danny DeVito on The View

Being a Hollywood star’s quite good isn’t it? You drink complementary Limoncellos with George Clooney until 4am, go on live TV the next day still steaming to promote your new film. Then you flirt with Bette Midler. And share a cab home with Rosie O’Donnell. When you get there your wife’s waiting. It’s the ugly curly-haired one from Cheers. You’re 4’3”. Yep, quite go… Oh.

7 – Verne Troyer on Celebrity Big Brother

Incredibly, Danny DeVito’s not the shortest man on this list. Here’s Mini-Me crashing his scooter in the Big Brother Diary Room door. He was drunk, but to be fair to the little man, he had two chocolate liqueurs that evening.

6 – Paula Abdul

There were too many clips to choose from here, so we’ve gone for a montage. Again, like Katona, Paula Abdul maintains that this is her in her natural state. Which seems worse, in many ways.

5 – James Brown

Now this is how you do drunk. None of this ‘See it off! Zulu warrior!‘, traffic cones on heads and fights in the toilets of Flares nightclub nonsense. Follow the Godfather of Soul‘s technique: You get loaded in the morning, take part in an interview about how you’re on bail for shooting at your wife, you wear the world’s biggest yellow shades and randomly shout out the titles of James Brown hits. LIVING IN AMERICA!

4 – Steve-O on Too Late With Adam Carolla

Steve-O is an idiot. Or, he is a fiercely intelligent post-modern satirist. Either way, here’s him being drunk. On TV.

3 – Sam Fox on The Club

In 2003, everybody’s favourite Page three model turned singer turned lesbian turned dull I’m A Celebrity… contestant Sam Fox featured in a reality show called The Club, working in a nightclub. You see where this is going don’t you? At least you’d better, c’mon this is the tenth one of these… That’s it! She got drunk. Look see.

2 – Anna Nicole Smith at awards show

To marry a 132-year-old man you’d need a bit of Dutch courage. Before her appearance at this awards ceremony, Anna Nicole Smith is thought to have had two big jugs of ale. Two big jugs! Ha!

1 – Kevin Bishop at the Comedy Awards

Look how angry Bishop gets that a series only slightly less worse than his own wins an award that he is also nominated for. He’s so angry and irritating and drunk here that you just want to punch him in the face. And then punch him again. Head butt and kick him a few times, then smash his stupid Kevin Bishop face against a table until he’s in a state that would render him completely unable to be recommissioned for another series.

So there you are. Did you enjoy that? Oh, look, you’ve crumpled Uncle Hecklerspray’s corduroy trousers from wriggling about too much on his lap. The wet patch? Not sure what that is. You must’ve spilt your Horlicks or something…

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The world’s been a sadder place since Anna Nicole Smith died. Well, not sadder – quieter and less booby, mainly.

But she’s at peace now. The world can remember Anna Nicole Smith the way she wanted – as the giganto-titted clown-faced porno model who married that nearly-dead billionaire once – knowing that her name and reputation won’t be dragged up again.

Except they are. Anna Nicole Smith’s former boyfriend Howard K Stern and two of her doctors have been charged with conspiring to furnish her with drugs. Their sentence if convicted? To be haunted by Anna Nicole’s big face and silly voice forever.

Anna Nicole Smith died over two years ago, but the legacy she’s left behind is enormous. It’s because of Anna Nicole Smith that we’ve learnt to deeply mistrust spurious-sounding German princes. It’s because of Anna Nicole Smith that we’ve learnt the importance of leaving your will in order when you die. And, most of all, it’s because of Anna Nicole Smith that up to four generations of human adults now suffer from an oppressive phobia of clowns.

And it’s still not over, because although we know where Anna Nicole Smith got to be buried and who the father of her child was and even how her son died, we don’t know who gave her the drugs that she accidentally overdosed on.

Although we might be a little closer to finding out, because Anna Nicole Smith’s ex-boyfriend Howard K Stern and two of her doctors have just been charged with conspiring to furnish her with drugs. Reuters reports:

California Attorney General Jerry Brown said the trio furnished thousands of prescription pills to Smith, “often for no legitimate medical purpose.” “There is ample evidence that Doctor Eroshevich and Doctor Kapoor violated their ethical obligations as physicians, while Mr. Stern funneled highly addictive drugs to Ms. Smith,” Brown said.

OK, so we knew the doctors’ charges were coming – the offices of Khristine Eroshevich were raided back in 2007 for exactly this reason – but we genuinely didn’t think that Howard K Stern would be charged. He always seemed like such a trustworthy gentleman, in that he pretended to get married to Anna Nicole Smith, claimed that he’d fathered her baby even though he clearly hadn’t and generally spent most of his life hanging round her like some sort of creepy Nosferatu figure. We always had him down as a bang-up guy.

What happens now remains to be seen, but if Howard K Stern and the doctors did get convicted of conspiring to furnish Anna Nicole Smith with drugs, we’d be able to remember her in a much purer light.

No longer would the public image of Anna Nicole Smith be that of a drug-crazed topless bimbo with clear psychological defects, a tendency to paint her face like an actual nightmare and a desperate, grasping need for attention; but rather that of a topless bimbo with clear psychological defects, a tendency to paint her face like an actual nightmare and a desperate, grasping need for attention who was only drug-crazed because people gave her drugs when she asked them.

It’s how she would have wanted to be remembered. Let justice be done, we say.

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Everyone has their own way of mourning the dead, but we can all agree that becoming creepily attached to the deceased's used underwear is perfectly normal.

That's why we're not going to judge Larry Birkhead, even though he's just decided that the best way for Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn to remember her mother is to spend $2,800 on bits of her sexy lingerie at a charity auction.

Of course, Larry Birkhead isn't going to just give Anna Nicole Smith's underwear to Dannielynn right away – he wants to wait until she grows up first. Because if he gives it to her now she'll be far too young to develop any decent long-lasting psychological scars, and where's the fun in that? No, that's why Larry Birkhead is keeping Anna Nicole Smith's lingerie in a safe place for the time being – on his face while he sleeps. Or he isn't. Don't quote us.

Anna Nicole Smith may have died 16 months ago, but she'll always be with us – just so long as those who knew her keep doing all kinds of mental crap that freaks the living cocks out of us on a regular basis.

Which, to be fair, they are. If they're not squabbling over who got Anna Nicole Smith pregnant, they're allegedly having gay sex with everyone or trademarking creepy little phrases that they said to her while she slept or trying to sell videos of Anna Nicole Smith's breast enlargement operations. So thank you, everyone – you're making sure that we never forget what a scary, clownfaced, barely-coherent, drug-bloated star of light erotica Anna Nicole Smith really was.

But what if none of that actually creeped you out all that much? What if you've always wanted to feel your skin crawl when thinking about Anna Nicole Smith, but you've never managed it? Don't worry – Larry Birkhead feels your pain. That's why he's bought a lot of Anna Nicole Smith's sexy underwear at auction and plans to let her daughter Dannielynn play with it.

There you go – your skin's crawling away like a good'un now, isn't it. Feel free to even let out a disturbed yelp or two as well if it helps. E! Online has more:

Baby daddy Larry Birkhead is looking forward to showing 1-year-old Dannielynn the lingerie he purchased at a celebrity auction on Saturday night, a pink bustier (bought for $1,800) and white negligee (bought for $1,000) once worn by the late model for a Playboy photo shoot. Smith's onetime boyfriend said he wants to make sure the young heiress has something to remember her mom by.

Actually, that makes quite a lot of sense – aside from a crateful of empty prescription medication bottles, perhaps sexy underwear really is the best way for Dannielynn to remember Anna Nicole Smith.

One day, when the baby has reached an appropriate age, Larry Birkhead can sit her down on her knee, show her the lingerie and explain that the shiny clothes are what mommy used to wear to hide her crippling emotional dependency on others. It will be a touching moment, although a quick blast of that video where Anna Nicole Smith has it off with a maid in the bath would have probably achieved the same result and saved Larry a few thousand dollars.

For just over 18 months now, the question on everyone's lips has been 'Did Anna Nicole Smith's son commit suicide or die accidentally?'

OK, that wasn't a question that was on anyone's lips, since the sole sum of public knowledge about Daniel Smith is that he sometimes looked quite embarrassed when Anna Nicole Smith dragged him in front of the cameras on her reality TV show.

However, the inquest into Daniel Smith's death has revealed that an accidental drug overdose killed him. Truly Daniel Smith was the Heath Ledger of September 2006, albeit a Heath Ledger who wasn't in any films and had a bit of a slutty mum.

Daniel Smith always seemed like a bit of an afterthought in the Anna Nicole Smith story. Perhaps that's because every time that anyone thought of a perpetually-cringing teenage son hovering around, Anna Nicole instantly lapsed from being 'sexy and eccentric' to 'slaggy and dangerously irresponsible'. 

Even Daniel Smith's death was overshadowed by the near-simultaneous birth of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. True, baby Dannielynn was named after Daniel, but when your entire legacy consists of a oddly-spelt infant's name it can't be all that great. No wonder Daniel Smith killed himself.  

Except that Daniel Smith didn't kill himself. Well, he did, but not on purpose. That's what the jury at an inquest into the death of Daniel Smith discovered anyway. 13 months after Anna Nicole Smith died, 19 months after he himself died and 18 months after it was announced that he died of a drug overdose, the inquest in the Bahamas has ruled Daniel Smith's death as an accidental overdose. Reuters reports:

Tabloid star Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel died of a drug overdose, an inquest jury in the Bahamas ruled on Monday. The seven-member jury took 73 minutes to reach its unanimous verdict after coroner William Campbell had directed them to return one of three options. He said they could decide 20-year-old Daniel Smith died of "non-dependent abuse of drugs," or by "accident or misadventure," or they could return an open verdict.

73 minutes doesn't seem like a very long time to pass judgement a young man's untimely death, especially a boy who used to get caught stealing his mother's methadone, but at least it's over. Daniel Smith is now with Anna Nicole Smith in scary clownface heaven where Anna Nicole can feed Daniel as much Ecstasy as she likes without worrying that he'll die from it, what with him already being dead and all.

And with Daniel Smith's death all wrapped up, that means that this will absolutely be the last piece of news about Anna Nicole Smith that you will ever hear. For at least three days.

Read more:

Anna Nicole's son died of drug overdose, jury says – Reuters 

Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielynn Hope has endured a tragic first year that involved two close family deaths and a messy, drawn-out paternity case.

But none of that matters any more, because Dannielynn is rich! Rich beyond her wildest dreams! Woo hoo!

Dannielynn has just been officially made the sole beneficiary to Anna Nicole Smith's estate. That means that Dannielynn gets to inherit everything that Anna Nicole Smith owned – all her cash, all the potential inheritance from Anna Nicole Smith's marriage to J Howard Marshall, that box of nightmarish clown make-up, the genetic lack of self-esteem – everything.

Of all the things that Anna Nicole Smith left the world after her death, with the possible exception of that video of her absent-mindedly playing with her tits in the bath, none have been precious than her daughter Dannielynn Hope. And we mean 'precious' in the Lord Of The Rings sense, too, because ever since Anna Nicole Smith died people have been squabbling over her like a gaggle of greedy Gollums.

You see, Dannielynn might one day be worth hundreds of millions of dollars if the ongoing battle for Anna Nicole Smith's share of her inheritance from her 14-month marriage to nearly-dead oil billionaire J Howard Marshall ever goes her way. And that meant that people were fighting over Dannielynn before Anna Nicole Smith was even cold.

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K Stern said he was the father, some creepy ancient German prince said he was the father, Anna Nicole Smith's trainer said he could have been the father and, let's face it, any man on Earth with a semi-functional penis stood a decent chance of fathering Dannielynn too. But eventually Larry Birkhead was officially named as Dannielynn's father – although that doesn't mean he can swan around spending all her money.

That's because Howard K Stern has rushed through a petition to declare Dannielynn the sole beneficiary of everything Anna Nicole Smith owned, as E! Online reports:

Larry Birkhead's 18-month-old daughter with Anna Nicole Smith was declared the sole beneficiary to the late model's estate Tuesday, after a Los Angeles judge approved Howard K. Stern's petition to clarify his departed paramour's earthly intentions. "We and Mr. Stern always believed that Anna Nicole never intended to disinherit her daughter," Stern's attorney, Bruce S. Ross, said after court Tuesday. "I'm pleased to say this chapter in the saga is closed." L.A. Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff's ruling also establishes a trust on Dannielynn's behalf, with her father and Stern serving as cotrustees.

This news, while hardly surprising, does mean that Dannielynn will have to want for nothing as she grows up. Although Anna Nicole Smith's assets were only valued at $710,000, the J Howard Marshall money will increase that amount exponentially, plus the money from Dannielynn's magazine photoshoots last year will also contribute to the fund.

And, let's not forget that if Dannielynn ever finds that alleged video of Larry Birkhead and Howard K Stern sucking each other off, she can blackmail both of them for everything they've got as well. Either way it's a result.

Read more:

Dannielynn Named Anna Nicole's Sole Heir - E! Online 

First off, let us just say that Larry Birkhead is a hack. We don't find it a coincidence that Dannielynn's DNA magically turned out to match his – no not by a long shot.

Her true father, the mighty and good Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, had a piece of his posterity ripped away from him when Birkhead somehow harnessed the power of science to biologically change every single chromosome in Dannielynn's body moments before a father-determining court inquisition. It was quite rude, actually.

Most of the world fell for this – not us though. There was never any doubt in our mind that when Freddy wasn't stuffing romance down the throat of thousand year old Zsa Zsa Gabor, he was spraying down Anna Nicole Smith like a beagle in heat.

You don't believe him? Well he's putting out a book to prove it.

A book we said – one with words and what-not.

Anna Nicole Smith's lady-eggs were wined and dined by the sperms of the highest calibre from people all across the board. One of the socialising sperm sources, according to him anyway, was Frederic Von Anhalt. Nobody believed Freddy when he said he was romantically socking it to Anna Nicole. We imagine the world only doubted him because it didn't think man could possibly tear himself away from a wife so titillatingly close to 100 years old.

But tear away he did, and he'd like to prove once and for all that his genitalia used to clap gently together with Anna Nicole's on a semi-frequent but possibly only once basis. That's why somewhere in-between getting horrifically robbed by three possibly imaginary girls and maybe putting up a defamatory MySpace page of his step-daughter, he wrote a book.

We heard he originally intended it to be a Tolkien-ish trilogy of epic proportions finely depicting the triumph of light over darkness. But that would have taken a while so he just crammed all the details of his alleged 10-year affair with Smith into one, possibly skinny, picture-laden book. As newsy website AHN puts it:

"In an attempt to prove he wasn't a liar, Zsa Zsa Gabor's current husband Frederic Prinz von Anhalt will release a tell-all book about his alleged affair with Anna Nicole Smith. Von Anhalt is set to shout to the whole world that he had an affair with Smith through a book that will include photos about their affair. 'I want to set the record straight once and for all,' he says revealing that on the book's cover, he will show a racy picture of Smith he took himself."

And when he says 'took' we assume he meant 'drew.' We've heard it's more of a stick figure type thing actually, but it clearly depicts both himself and Smith in a flurry of sexy stick passion.

And that's the sort of thing a prince simply can't make up.

Read More:

Gabor's Husband Plans Tell-All Book About Anna Nicole Affair – PR-Inside

Anna Nicole Smith – or 'the American Princess Diana' as one person called her before they felt silly and left the room – has been dead for a while.

For a year, in fact – today is the first anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith's untimely death at the hands on all sorts of different drugs. And, although the anniversary has been marked by a moving tribute by Larry Birkhead, it's also being commemorated by the public as well.

So if you see any confused, slurring women stumbling around tonight, with their faces proudly daubed to make them look like the kind of clown that children see in horror movies, know that it's all in remembrance of Anna Nicole Smith.

It doesn't seem like a year since Anna Nicole Smith died, does it? That's because, what with all the squabbles about her burial site and who fathered her daughter and who got all her money, people only actually shut up about Anna Nicole Smith about a couple of weeks ago, and even then Heath Ledger's death made everyone remember her anyway. 

But anyway, although it's easy to laugh at Anna Nicole Smith for being a hopelessly bewildering clown-faced drug-addled soft-porn star who went to the trouble of fake-marrying her own lawyer just to pass off her baby as his and had a creepy habit of treating dolls as if they were real, it's important to remember that she was a real person. And, as such, individuals are marking her death by doing something a little more heartfelt than just reminding everyone that Anna Nicole Smith used to paint her face like the world's most nightmarish clown like we're doing.

For example, Larry Birkhead – the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynne Hope briefly stopped trying to hit on Paris Hilton to deliver his own, actually rather heartfelt, message on his website today:

"Anna Nicole Smith I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF OUR BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL. PLEASE WATCH OVER US AND GUIDE US ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE. WE MISS YOU.

2-8-07

LOVE,

LARRY AND DANNIELYNN"  

Which is quite sad, at least until you remember that the love probably isn't reciprocated if the endless ways that Anna Nicole Smith attempted to wriggle out of all those DNA paternity tests when she was still alive are anything to go by, and that those rumours about Larry Birkhead and Howard K Stern being gay lovers are still floating about.

Still, let's not get dragged down by too much mawkishness. Let's use today to remember the way that Anna Nicole Smith really was…

OK, scrub that. Let's remember Anna Nicole Smith in a way that's more flattering and a bit less truthful.

Read more: 

Larry Birkhead Leaves Tribute to Anna Nicole Smith – People 

That Paris Hilton, she sure knows how to pick them. 'Them' of course, referring to blokes whose sperm seems to either send women a bit mental or completely dead.

Just yesterday we were telling you about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears' ex-husband Kevin Federline cosying up in a Las Vegas nightclub, but it seems like Paris wasn't done there, as it's transpired that she then went out the very next night and did exactly the same thing to Larry Birkhead, the last man on Earth to knock Anna Nicole Smith up before she died. We're not sure if chatting to odd, semi-famous men is going to be Paris Hilton's hot new trend for 2008 or not yet, but hopefully it is, because at this rate it won't be long before she's seen out with Trevor, the fictional Scottish wife-beater husband of Little Mo from EastEnders. And that would just be adorable.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a long rivalry that includes everything from alleged phone-hacking to the brutal allocation of invisible bruises. But now it seems as though Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have decided to team up in an effort to get themselves romantically involved with every single man on the planet before the end of 2008.

Lindsay Lohan's already cracking on with the task in Europe, snogging all of Italy at a party at the weekend. And Paris Hilton is just as eager, although her tactic varies a little. She's taking on the American men first, and seems to be using a list starting with the least desirable and working her way up.

Yesterday we reported the horrific Paris Hilton/ Kevin Federline union that lasted for two nights at the arse-end of this year and now it seems that Paris has stumbled across another man famous for having sex with slightly deranged women. It's Larry Birkhead, the man who had sex with Anna Nicole Smith and got her pregnant a few months before she died. According to the Daily Mail, Hilton and Birkhead were seen in the middle of an 'intimate chat' which definitely means that Paris Hilton and Larry Birkhead are absolutely, 100% doing it with each other all the time and probably right now.

Look, one picture of two people talking in a nightclub doesn't especially mean that anything romantic is going on between them – not when there's a far more logical explanation available. You see, Paris Hilton recently lost most of her billion-dollar inheritance when her grandfather decided to give 97% of it to charity. And Larry Birkhead's daughter Dannielynn might eventually be the recipient of the $474 million that Anna Nicole Smith was fighting for from her marriage to that old rich bloke. Yes? You're starting to get it?

It means that Paris Hilton wants to be Dannielynn's granddaughter. Obviously.

Read more:

New Year and new man for Paris: Socialite cosies up to Anna Nicole Smith's ex – Daily Mail