Reports of a wedding between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are always on and off – but now the wedding is definitely on. Unless it's off.

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been planning a wedding for some time now, which would be great, except for the giant screaming tantrums they keep having at each other because they can't agree on where to have it.

According to Star magazine, Brad Pitt wants the wedding to take place in New Orleans, while Angelina Jolie would prefer to have it in France. There's an obvious compromise to all this, of course – Brad and Angelina should meet in the middle, right in the centre of the Atlantic ocean, 1,500 miles out to sea. We'll even provide the concrete shoes if they ask us nicely.

You're never really sure where you are with a Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding rumour. For all the reasons that they wouldn't get married – like their collective haul of failed previous marriages, the fact that gay people can't get married in some places yet, the fact that weddings are expensive and Angelina would probably just prefer to buy 20 or 30 children instead – there are always reports suggesting that a wedding is on the horizon.

Over the last few years there have been reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a Buddhist wedding, that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went to Italy to get married and that wax figurines of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were going to get married as a sort of petroleum-based love substitute. But all of these were called off, or weren't even real enough to call off anyway.

But this time we mean it. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really are planning a wedding. Star magazine says so. But if this planned wedding never happens, it isn't because it never existed. It's because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can't decide on where to hold the wedding or if Jennifer Aniston should be invited. Star reports:

Brad wants a big wedding in New Orleans, the town he has adopted in a bid to help get it back on its feet after Hurricane Katrina, while Angie says she would like a small, intimate ceremony in France… "They ended up going to separate bedrooms and slamming doors. Angelina was so frustrated, she was crying," one friend of the couple says. Angie's main problem with [wedding organiser and Brad's mother] Jane Pitt is that she's still close to Brad's ex, Jennifer Aniston, and even suggested she should be on the guest list. "Brad tried to reassure Angie that she wouldn't show up," says the source. "Still Angie's furious. Anytime Jen's name is mentioned, she gets jealous."

You have to admire Jennifer Aniston a little bit here, don't you. She hasn't got a thing to do with either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie any more and she's still able to destroy their happiness. To be able to wreak that much emotional trauma on people who go out of their way to avoid you takes years of dedication, plus a big spit-covered promotional poster for Mr & Mrs Smith with 'I hate stupid bitch Angelina Jolie' scrawled across it in childlike handwriting.

Anyway, it looks as if it's all off. Time to pack away the 'Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding' stories and break out the 'Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie split' stories. Or whatever the nearest thing anyone's got to a 'Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie won't go away and it's pissing us off' story. Anyone?

Read more:

Brad & Angie's Big Fight Over Wedding – Star