Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Eva Amurri is an American actress blessed with large, natural breasts. Which means she’s mainly going to be known for her tits no matter what she does. Unless she’s exceptionally talented in some other way.
Her mother is the legendary Susan Sarandon, who was also blessed with big boobs. Amurri got started in the business thanks to the pity of her mother, who invited her to act in The Banger Sisters. Her mother also dragged her along to work in an episode of Friends.
Isn’t it always the stupid ones that love the weirdest holidays? I can see why people like Christmas, and even why they like Easter, but people get so excited about Halloween that I sometimes question their sanity. Sure, ghosts and ghoulies are pretty good, but still…it’s not really a holiday at all, is it? It’s just an excuse to dress up stupidly and get free sweets until you’re 14 and pimply and people don’t want to open their doors to you anymore.
But God bless, every Halloween you can go out in the middle of town and see people who take it way too seriously, applying fake blood like they were trauma doctors and flashing skin like they’re strippers. Speaking of which – hey everybody! It’s Kim Kardashian!
Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.
These people need us- the non-believers- to show them how good life can be away from omens, faeries, bad luck and fishwives’ tales. They need us to lampoon and mock the beliefs that they hold as fervently as an evangelical Christian holds onto a fading belief in a benevolent creator. We need to be out there, dancing jigs under ladders, crossing swords with black cats and breaking mirrors over the heads of Arch-Bishops.
We need to show people that you make your own luck and believing in omens and superstition will only lead you to dash yourself against the rocks of life! Unless they’re right of course. In which case, those of you who just threw your mobile phones at a mirror on my command might be in for a bit of a tough time.
When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.
Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.
And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.
Oh look! It's Valentine?s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you\’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, ?I WUV U.?
If you're a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that's what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.
But how to set the mood? A meal that isn't microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you're a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.
There are obvious differences between men and women. Once the smuttier of you look beyond the bouncing boobies or the swinging willies, things take a sinister, much darker path. Men are seen as the dominant aggressor with males receiving higher salaries and gaining more power in the company food chain.
This train of thought dilutes to almost everywhere in society. Pop music constantly sees women having to reinvent themselves so they maintain an audience, or as it's known, the male gaze.
Do The Saturdays want to prance around in the knickers or sing catchy songs? We?ll never know, but we doubt Loaded Magazine haven't offered Bob Dylan a shoot in sexy French lingerie. With Rihanna and Britney Spears already make an effort to keep up with Lady Gaga; it was the turn for Leona Lewis to look edgy and cool at the premier of Justin Bieber?s recent film. Even though she has the X-Factor PR monster behind her, it didn't stop the Bleeding Love singer looking stupid.
Do you know what's fascinating about Leona Lewis? Nothing of course. In terms of phenomena, she's like ?that funny noise the fridge makes? ? something you're vaguely aware of but couldn't ever really have a strong feeling about.
Or so we thought, because look out world ? Leona Lewis has been lying her expressionless face off.
You know how she ?weally wuvs animwals? and is a public supporter of PETA? To the extent that she almost caused a mutiny among her road-crew the other month for insisting they all refrain from eating meat – surely the least interesting way to upset anyone ever?
Khloe Kardashian would rather go naked than wear fur, but it’s important not to confuse Khloe Kardashian with her sister Kim.
Because, while Khloe Kardashian would rather go naked than wear fur, Kim Kardashian would rather go naked, set up a video camera, roll around on a bed and boff a man whose tongue looks like it’s being remotely-controlled by a man from The Henson Company than wear fur.
But still, nice try. Meanwhile, some dogs have just started an ‘I’d rather be bludgeoned to death for my fur inside an abandoned Chinese warehouse than see Khloe Kardashian’s arse again’ campaign. Unrelated, we’re sure.
It can’t be easy to come up with new names for animals all the time.
Thousands of new creatures are uncovered every year, and scientists only have so many dogs and kids to inspire them.
So why not delve into the murky world of celebrity? Why not name a new type of predator after your favourite band? Why not christen a new species of maggot after your least favourite? In fact, back in Hecklerspray HQ we have discovered a new type of fungus growing out of one of our unwashed cups. Please free to write in with your suggestions, but at the moment we are leaning towards Sting or Elizabeth Hurley.
Brigitte Bardot is living proof that not only do pretty girls eventually lose their looks, but they also go a bit batty and racist sometimes as well.
That’s because dear old Brigitte Bardot, the woman who entranced the world with her earthy sensuality all those years ago, has just been convicted for provoking discrimination and racial hatred for the fifth time in 11 years, after she published a letter claiming that Muslims are destroying France because they don’t kill sheep properly.
Brigitte Bardot, you’ll remember, was the star of the 1958 movie And God Created Women, a movie that’s soon to be re-released to DVD with the title And God Created One Specific Woman Although He Sort Of Regrets It Every Time She Opens Her Shrapnel-Filled Gob, The Witchy Old Nutter.
