Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful.
Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?
Oh, quiet down at the front ? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with incessant mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.
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Do you know how they make mink coats? They get a mink and shout obscenities at it – IN MINK LANGUAGE – until it cries. Then, they make then stand on their hindly mink legs until they break before men come in and kick the skin off them.
Then, worst of all, the skinless, frightened mink creatures are all forced to sew their fur together into expensive coats.
COATS DESIGNED BY JANET JACKSON WHO HATES MINKS.
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Times are tough for the Gosselins. One of them might be having an affair. Another might be an genuinely horrible witch.
Their kids are at the centre of an exploitation investigation. And they must all face up to the fact that people only watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 is because one day somebody’s bound to have a shrieking emotional breakdown and hold a child hostage behind a locked door with a jagged shard of crockery held to its throat. But things couldn’t get worse for Jon and Kate Gosselin, right?
Wrong – now they’ve been accused of animal abuse too. Hilarious.
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Well thank all that is good and right in the world for DMX.
In today’s world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way.
Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons – granted, he’s not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we’re allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us.
The most recent of DMX’s failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn’t really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.
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We know this is confusing, but sit tight and we’ll try and explain – although DMX was arrested on Wednesday, he’s now been arrested for something else entirely.
Wednesday’s arrest was for speeding, but his time DMX was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession after a SWAT team raided his house on Friday morning and found five pit bull puppies and half a pound of cannabis.
So, to try and help east the confusion a little, we’ve come up with a little rhyme to help you keep track of DMX’s arrests: If DMX was busted Wednesday last, he’s been caught driving cars too fast; if DMX is busted on Friday morn, the partially-burnt carcasses of mistreated pets were found on his lawn. We’re available for hire, you know.
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