As big as this metrosexuality thing is, sometimes we just want to go out and find a tiny little man who hits people a lot - right girls?

No? Nobody coming along with us on this one? Well Shannon Price understands. That's because Shannon Price has married Gary Coleman, planet Earth's foremost angry midget. To be fair, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price got married last August and people have only just found out about it, but you can't deny a happy couple when you see one.

Apart from that time Shannon Price called the police because Gary Coleman was so angry that she was scared he'd hurt her - but, you know, apart from that they're probably quite happy.

Remember Blink 182?

Despite only disbanding as recently as 2005 (apparently), this trio of punk-pop muppets were really big in the year 1999, which led many to believe that a global technogical meltdown at the turn of the century would have been preferable to hearing All The Small Things one more time. Alas, it wasn't to be, and album Enema Of The State (do you see what they did there? Do you?) went on to sell approximately sixty million billion trillion copies the world over.

You'd think, then, that the Blinksters would be a relatively chilled-out bunch these days, happy to kick back and watch the odd royalty cheque pop through the letterbox. Unfortunately, you'd be quite massively wrong - because the band's former drummer Travis Barker is mightily pissed off about something and he wants the whole wide world to know it. 

Dr Phil never says so on his show, but the best way to solve a problem is to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never existed.

Everyone knows that - it's the reason why all the hecklerspray staff are such well-rounded, perfectly normal individuals. It's also the reason why the family of Britney Spears have all got the hump with Dr Phil for speaking out publicly about Britney's recent psychological snafu. Dr Phil, they say, have broken the Spears' circle of trust.

And circles of trust are a lot like hymens - once broken they can only be repaired by complicated, expensive and largely unnecessary surgical procedures. We think. 

Now, the more religious of you might look at Britney Spears and think "there's a young lady going straight to hell" - but Britney Spears is determined not to go to hell, and she doesn't care how many priests she has to seduce to avoid it.

Although the whirlpool of custody cases and drug allegations and head-shaving, vagina-baring madness has overtaken Britney Spears' life at the moment, it's good to see that Britney hasn't completely turned her back on what she's good at - annoying the clergy. One of the booklet photos for Britney Spears' new album Blackout has caused controversy among Catholics because it shows Britney Spears sitting on a priest's lap in a short skirt. If anything, though, the Catholics should be pleased by this - the priest in the photo clearly isn't aroused at all by Britney Spears, and is instead wearing a facial expression halfway between "What's that smell? Has someone farted?" and "Oh Christ no, not the vagina again!"