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Angelina Jolie

Matt Damon Has Another Kid: Hasn’t Sold it Out Yet

by Ian Dransfield

Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later. Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice. This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning [...]

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Roseanne Barr Goes a Bit Mad, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Possibly Flee in Terror

by Ian Dransfield

Roseanne Barr isn’t really known for being particularly funny, but this time she’s managed to make us all laugh. See, there are times when celebrities get angry at other celebrities – they usually mean a few cross words and not much else. We smirk at these times. We enjoy. We forget. Then there are times [...]

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Angelina Jolie Steals Tom Cruise’s Job: Scientology Shockingly Not Involved

by Ian Dransfield

It’s a wonder Angelina Jolie still has time for movies these days, what with her off saving the world, donating to charity and stealing all the kids from Africa. But apparently she of the lips fame does have time – not only time, but she also has the inclination to take roles that were initially [...]

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Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. This is News, How, Exactly?

by Ian Dransfield

Talking about Miley Cyrus all the time may be bad enough, but then we have to go and bring in this Jonas Brothers kid in just to see how far things can actually go downhill. As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn’t bad enough, now the media feels [...]

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Bernie Mac Not Dead. May Be Dying. Probably Not Though.

by Ian Dransfield

There are some ‘are they-aren’t they?’ games that we prefer not to play, as they’re simply not as much fun as they should be. Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can [...]

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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Have Some Kids, Release Some Pictures: World Explodes

by Ian Dransfield

In the ongoing saga of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ‘having some twins’, you would probably think the ridiculous media hysteria couldn’t get much worse. Well, you’re wrong. Because they’ve finally gone and released pictures of the A-list couple’s bundle of gametes – though fortunately there doesn’t seem to be a Bono in sight. That [...]

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie To Inflict Bono On Twins From Birth

by Stuart Heritage

If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you’re thinking “Honestly, anyone but Bono.”

Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he’d take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. “What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn’t have.”

But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – they’ve apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins’ godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt – the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you’re busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there’ll be nobody to blame but yourself.

If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you're thinking "Honestly, anyone but Bono." Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he'd take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. "What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn't have." But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - they've apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins' godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt - the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you're busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there'll be nobody to blame but yourself.
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Batman 3: Angelina Jolie Should Be Catwoman, Says Catwoman

by Stuart Heritage

The Dark Knight hype-tizzy is over, right? After the deaths and the arrests and the plaudits, that’s the end now, right?

Michael Caine hasn’t smacked a gypsy on the head with a shovel? Morgan Freeman hasn’t accidentally fallen down a lift shaft? Good, then that really is the end of interminable Dark Knight hype. So let’s start hyping up Batman 3 instead, then.

Although nobody knows for sure who the Batman 3 villain will be, Catwoman is emerging as a fan favourite, for some completely unknown reason. And Angelina Jolie seems to be the frontrunner to play her. That’s not just berserk internet lust talking – definitive 1960s Catwoman Julie Newmar seems to think she’d be a good fit, too. Still, if that falls through there’s always Kerry Katona. Or death. Let’s go with death.

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s Guards Have A Paparazzi Punch-Up

by Stuart Heritage

It’s long been a dream of ours to dress up in camouflage and hold a pitched battle on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s front lawn.

Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we’ve decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who’ve been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s property in France.

What exactly happened is a mystery – the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery – but it’s clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina’s property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie’s stupid twins didn’t keep getting in the bloody way.

It's long been a dream of ours to dress up in camouflage and hold a pitched battle on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's front lawn. Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we've decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who've been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's property in France. What exactly happened is a mystery - the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery - but it's clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina's property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie's stupid twins didn't keep getting in the bloody way.
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Brad Pitt Throws Furious Giganto-Strop Over Secret Baby Photos

by Stuart Heritage

You’re probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins look like, because you’re nosy and have nothing better to do.

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies – especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

But don’t get the wrong idea – Brad Pitt isn’t going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He’s doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you’ll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.

You're probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new twins look like, because you're nosy and have nothing better to do. But you mustn't. You mustn't look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's babies - especially if you're looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He's said so himself. But don't get the wrong idea - Brad Pitt isn't going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He's doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you'll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.
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