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Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie Will Marry Brad Pitt Just To Shut The Kids Up

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s attitude to marriage is simple – only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it.

Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.

It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like acorpseful of turds for once.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's attitude to marriage is simple - only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it. Or at least that's what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing 'go against everything she's ever said, done or thought' promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding. It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean - if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn't stink like acorpseful of turds for once.
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Kerry Katona Slags Off Angelina Jolie, Renders Satire Obsolete

by Stuart Heritage

Kerry Katona’s shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest – a moment we thought couldn’t be topped.

But there’s a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World’s Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie.

What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that’s something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that’s because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing “AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!” at nobody in particular that she probably doesn’t know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.

Kerry Katona's shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest - a moment we thought couldn't be topped. But there's a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World's Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie. What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that's something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that's because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing "AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!" at nobody in particular that she probably doesn't know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.
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Angelina Jolie Demands More Children! Immediately!

by Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie already has enough kids for a fair-to-middling laser tag team, but that’s hardly enough – look, you know what’s coming.

Despite have six of the little sods running around already, Angelina Jolie has decided that she’s going to go on the hunt for more. During an interview on the Today show, Angelina Jolie was asked if she’s going to adopt any more children, and she responded by nodding like a wizened old bearded monk who lives on top of a mountain.

Adopting a seventh child is all well and good, but Angelina Jolie has obviously forgotten one important point – having already adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, the most impoverished place left to her is the Isle Of Wight. And, urgh, who’d want a baby from the Isle Of Wight?

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Angelina Jolie Buys Her Little Boy A Knife

by Stuart Heritage

As the adopted son of two millionaire actors, Maddox Jolie-Pitt is going to be exposed to the worst hardships on Earth during his lifetime.

That’s why Angelina Jolie has taken the only sensible option and bought seven-year-old Maddox his very first knife. It’s a kind gesture, and it’s sort of made us wish that Angelina Jolie was our mother, too – once, when we were seven, a boy at junior school took our Monster Munch, and that situation would have been resolved much more swiftly if we’d have just stabbed them through the neck with the knife our mum gave us.

But don’t worry, outraged citizens – Angelina Jolie isn’t stupid. That’s why she deliberately had the knife blunted before giving to Maddox. Now, instead of hurting someone with the knife, Maddox can merely foster a lifetime fascination with knives that culminates in him chopping up a pensioner with a katana one hour into his 18th birthday.

As the adopted son of two millionaire actors, Maddox Jolie-Pitt is going to be exposed to the worst hardships on Earth during his lifetime. That's why Angelina Jolie has taken the only sensible option and bought seven-year-old Maddox his very first knife. It's a kind gesture, and it's sort of made us wish that Angelina Jolie was our mother, too - once, when we were seven, a boy at junior school took our Monster Munch, and that situation would have been resolved much more swiftly if we'd have just stabbed them through the neck with the knife our mum gave us. But don't worry, outraged citizens - Angelina Jolie isn't stupid. That's why she deliberately had the knife blunted before giving to Maddox. Now, instead of hurting someone with the knife, Maddox can merely foster a lifetime fascination with knives that culminates in him chopping up a pensioner with a katana one hour into his 18th birthday.
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W: Now With Babies Chomping On Angelina Jolie’s Knockers

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie moved to Europe partly to escape the slavering media attention they have to deal with all the time in America.

That should be applauded – it’s easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that.

Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie’s got a new film coming out, in which case it’s perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby’s mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That’s right kids – those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you’ve been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie moved to Europe partly to escape the slavering media attention they have to deal with all the time in America. That should be applauded - it's easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that. Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie's got a new film coming out, in which case it's perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby's mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That's right kids - those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you've been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.
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Angelina Jolie Gets Covered In Tattoos For Her Twins

by Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie has physically changed since the birth of her twins, and not just because now you could easily drive a tractor up her birth canal.

No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.

They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has – in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.

Angelina Jolie has physically changed since the birth of her twins, and not just because now you could easily drive a tractor up her birth canal. No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born. They're not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has - in fact, she's a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie's arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.
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Angelina Jolie Snarls Up All Traffic In New York Forever, Possibly

by Stuart Heritage

You might be pleased that Angelina Jolie has returned to New York with Brad Pitt and all her children, but your joy could be misplaced.

That’s because the logistics of shipping the world’s most famous couple plus all their assorted children to one of the world’s busiest cities are a nightmare. Such a nightmare, in fact, that Angelina Jolie’s gigantic army of family and staff apparently brought traffic to a grinding standstill in the area surrounding her hotel yesterday.

However, we get the feeling the this giant traffic jam was nothing more than a clever promotional stunt for Angelina Jolie’s new movie The Changeling. After all, it used to be known as the boring-looking movie that Angelina Jolie only did because she thought she’d get an Oscar out of it, and now it’s the movie that made a few New Yorkers a couple of minutes late for their tea. And that’s probably better, we’d imagine.

You might be pleased that Angelina Jolie has returned to New York with Brad Pitt and all her children, but your joy could be misplaced. That's because the logistics of shipping the world's most famous couple plus all their assorted children to one of the world's busiest cities are a nightmare. Such a nightmare, in fact, that Angelina Jolie's gigantic army of family and staff apparently brought traffic to a grinding standstill in the area surrounding her hotel yesterday. However, we get the feeling the this giant traffic jam was nothing more than a clever promotional stunt for Angelina Jolie's new movie The Changeling. After all, it used to be known as the boring-looking movie that Angelina Jolie only did because she thought she'd get an Oscar out of it, and now it's the movie that made a few New Yorkers a couple of minutes late for their tea. And that's probably better, we'd imagine.
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Stop Everything Now: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Return To USA

by Stuart Heritage

Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins!

This is very important news, and we’ll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling.

We said we’d tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn’t we? Well, alright, we will – it’s important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um… and Angelina sort of… no. We’ve got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn’t care less.

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Angelina Jolie Has Post-Natal Depression, Say Sources

by hecklerspray staff

FROM DIETPIXIE – It seems Angelina Jolie is human after all.

There was us thinking that the Lara Croft star was finding juggling motherhood, her career and various charity commitments a breeze.

Not so, say sources close to Angelina and Brad, who have revealed the reason we have not seen her much since the birth of the ridiculously-named twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon is because they are driving her potty.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window)>>

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Jennifer Aniston Has Dinner With Brad Pitt! Dinner! Possibly!

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston may have had a secret dinner together, so you know what this means – Jennifer Aniston actually eats stuff. Weird.

According to reports, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up in secret during the Toronto Film Festival, where Brad Pitt is promoting Burn After Reading and Jennifer Aniston is promoting her recent break-up with John Mayer or a new haircut or something. Seriously, we haven’t bothered to check.

Anyway, this Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston dinner might not have happened – in fact, it’s more likely that Brad and Jennifer went to great lengths to studiously avoid each other – but let’s report the dinner as fact anyway. That way we might anger Angelina Jolie enough to stop thumping out a baby with a stupid name every couple of minutes. We’re doing you a favour, really.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston may have had a secret dinner together, so you know what this means - Jennifer Aniston actually eats stuff. Weird. According to reports, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up in secret during the Toronto Film Festival, where Brad Pitt is promoting Burn After Reading and Jennifer Aniston is promoting her recent break-up with John Mayer or a new haircut or something. Seriously, we haven't bothered to check. Anyway, this Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston dinner might not have happened - in fact, it's more likely that Brad and Jennifer went to great lengths to studiously avoid each other - but let's report the dinner as fact anyway. That way we might anger Angelina Jolie enough to stop thumping out a baby with a stupid name every couple of minutes. We're doing you a favour, really.
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