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Angelina Jolie

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Get All ‘Blah Blah Blah, We’re So Great’

by Stuart Heritage

So far this awards season, it looks like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt might come away lighter than expected.

Angelina Jolie’s Changeling role has consistently lost in all the big awards, while Brad Pitt’s Oscar nomination for The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button probably won’t come to much. But Brad and Angelina don’t care about anything as ephemeral as awards, because they’ve got something deeper.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have each other. And they said that so many times on the red carpet last night that we’re surprised they weren’t carried into the auditorium on a tsunami of vomit.

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Brad Pitt Loves Jennifer Aniston AND Angelina Jolie, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Would you consider yourself a part of Team Aniston? Or maybe Team Jolie? Or maybe Team Picking Sides About People I’ll Never Meet Is Obviously Moronic?

Well, look. It doesn’t matter. There’s only one team now, and that’s Team Pitt. And, trust us, everyone’s on Team Pitt. Angelina Jolie’s on Team Pitt, Jennifer Aniston’s on Team Pitt. And so are you. Just don’t expect an invite to the orgy.

Brad Pitt has just done an interview with W magazine where he manages to defend both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie because he cares for them both. Also, he’s got a film out.

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Brad Pitt Quite Likes Angelina Jolie, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt’s been a star for a while now – he knows that revealing personal stories open movies, so has he got a doozy for you!

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button opens in a fortnight, and Brad Pitt knows that he’s got to dig as deep as he can to make his highbrow arthouse movie that’s based on an 86-year-old short story seen by as many people as possible. So here’s what he’s come up with.

You know Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt’s longterm partner and the mother of his children both biological and adopted? Brad Pitt says he likes her. We know.

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Angelina Jolie Is A Knife-Hurling Maniac, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie loves knives, this much we know – the woman literally eats, drinks and wipes her bottom with a knife in her hand.

Angelina Jolie loves knives so much that she picks her movies by blindly throwing a knife at a random pile of scripts. What’s more, we hear that Angelina’s adoption process involves a fierce knife-off in an orphanage, with the last child standing being chosen has her new baby.

Or, in possibly more accurate news, Angelina Jolie apparently flings knives at walls during fights, and Brad Pitt has bought her some anger management classes because he’s so terrified.

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Breastfeeding Gives Angelina Jolie The Hump

by Stuart Heritage

As a new mother, Angelina Jolie is being run ragged. Between hiring nannies and personal trainers and other staff to take care of everything, she must hardly get a moment to herself.

And Angelina Jolie was a busy woman to begin with anyway – deliberately enraging Jennifer Aniston can be a full-time job, you know – so rather than keep juggling everything until she keeled over exhausted, Angelina Jolie has chosen to make a few sacrifices.

In short, Angelina Jolie has decided to stop breastfeeding her two new twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline because giving milk to two babies at once is apparently incredibly hard. We should point out that Angelina Jolie isn’t a bad mother for not breastfeeding her kids – in fact, we think they’ll grow up just fine on their new diet of Mountain Dew and uncooked beef cartilage. It certainly never did us any harm.

As a new mother, Angelina Jolie is being run ragged. Between hiring nannies and personal trainers and other staff to take care of everything, she must hardly get a moment to herself. And Angelina Jolie was a busy woman to begin with anyway - deliberately enraging Jennifer Aniston can be a full-time job, you know - so rather than keep juggling everything until she keeled over exhausted, Angelina Jolie has chosen to make a few sacrifices. In short, Angelina Jolie has decided to stop breastfeeding her two new twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline because giving milk to two babies at once is apparently incredibly hard. We should point out that Angelina Jolie isn't a bad mother for not breastfeeding her kids - in fact, we think they'll grow up just fine on their new diet of Mountain Dew and uncooked beef cartilage. It certainly never did us any harm.
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Angelina Jolie Quits Acting To Pursue Full-Time Sanctimony

by Stuart Heritage

Team Aniston, it’s time to get the bunting out; your girl has won – Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting.

True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear – Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week.

Great, that’s just what we need – a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word ‘uncool’, we doubt very much that she’ll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we’ll say is this – don’t be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.

Team Aniston, it's time to get the bunting out; your girl has won - Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting. True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear - Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week. Great, that's just what we need - a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word 'uncool', we doubt very much that she'll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we'll say is this - don't be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.
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Jennifer Aniston On Brad Pitt: Dear God, There’s More

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston might have loudly insulted Angelina Jolie in public this week, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a good person.

Because she is. Jennifer Aniston’s ‘uncool’ comment about Angelina Jolie just came from the anger of having her husband stolen away by another woman. And, despite that, Jennifer Aniston still has nothing but nice words to say about Brad Pitt. On Oprah. Just before a new film of hers opens. That woman’s a saint.

Jennifer Aniston told Oprah that she thinks Brad Pitt is ‘great’. She harbours no bad feelings towards him, even though they both have movies coming out on the same day. And, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, Jennifer Aniston even refused to say whose film she thought was better – Brad Pitt’s elegant adaptation of a classic F Scott Fitzgerald text, or her own movie about a naughty dog who eats a man’s cake and is funny.

Jennifer Aniston might have loudly insulted Angelina Jolie in public this week, but that doesn't mean she's not a good person. Because she is. Jennifer Aniston's 'uncool' comment about Angelina Jolie just came from the anger of having her husband stolen away by another woman. And, despite that, Jennifer Aniston still has nothing but nice words to say about Brad Pitt. On Oprah. Just before a new film of hers opens. That woman's a saint. Jennifer Aniston told Oprah that she thinks Brad Pitt is 'great'. She harbours no bad feelings towards him, even though they both have movies coming out on the same day. And, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, Jennifer Aniston even refused to say whose film she thought was better - Brad Pitt's elegant adaptation of a classic F Scott Fitzgerald text, or her own movie about a naughty dog who eats a man's cake and is funny.
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Jennifer Aniston On Angelina Jolie: Essentially “WOOOARRRGH!”

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston isn’t someone you mess with, unless you enjoy four years of nothing followed by one sentence in a magazine.

Just look at Angelina Jolie. She wronged Jennifer Aniston in the most hurtful way possible, by stealing Brad Pitt from her on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, and now, several years later, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she’s spoiling for a fight. In the new issue of Vogue, Aniston has described Angelina Jolie as “really uncool.”

These words are bound to upset Angelina Jolie, especially since Jennifer Aniston wasn’t even talking about the Brad Pitt thing – instead she was describing Angelina’s Dunlop trainers, 1980s adoption of the failed Betamax video system and her abiding love of the music of Jamiroquai. Lord knows how Angelina Jolie will react to this – chances are she’s going to write the word ‘SKANK’ on Jennifer Aniston’s geography coursebook or something.

Jennifer Aniston isn't someone you mess with, unless you enjoy four years of nothing followed by one sentence in a magazine. Just look at Angelina Jolie. She wronged Jennifer Aniston in the most hurtful way possible, by stealing Brad Pitt from her on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, and now, several years later, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she's spoiling for a fight. In the new issue of Vogue, Aniston has described Angelina Jolie as "really uncool." These words are bound to upset Angelina Jolie, especially since Jennifer Aniston wasn't even talking about the Brad Pitt thing - instead she was describing Angelina's Dunlop trainers, 1980s adoption of the failed Betamax video system and her abiding love of the music of Jamiroquai. Lord knows how Angelina Jolie will react to this - chances are she's going to write the word 'SKANK' on Jennifer Aniston's geography coursebook or something.
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Has Angelina Jolie Ever Told You That Her Kids Love Kung Fu Panda?

by Stuart Heritage

As a mother, Angelina Jolie knows what’s important for a child – a gormless name and a forced appreciation of her films, mainly.

Well, OK, not all of her films. Not yet, anyway – although we do hear that Angelina Jolie plans to use her love scene with Antonio Banderas from Original Sin as a sexually-confusing substitute for her childrens’ birds and bees talk – just Kung Fu Panda.

To promote the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has once again decided to mine the limitless marketing resource that is her children, telling anyone who’ll listen that they just love the movie. Luckily for Angelina Jolie, she didn’t try this trick with A Mighty Heart – apparently Pax Thien found it ‘ponderous’, with Shiloh Nouvel dubbing it ‘transparent award-bait at best’.

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Breaking: Angelina Jolie Talks About Someone Else For A Change

by Stuart Heritage

We don’t know if we’ve mentioned it, but Angelina Jolie has a movie out – it doesn’t look very good, but keep that to yourself.

But, despite what you might think by the amount of time that she’s spent promoting the movie by hanging babies from her boobs on the cover of magazines, Angelina Jolie isn’t the only person involved in the making of that movie. It also happened to be directed by Clint Eastwood, whoever he is.

And in a shocking break, Angelina Jolie last night decided to do a little more promotion by paying tribute to Clint Eastwood at a Hollywood awards gala. In fact – and we’re not making this up – people were so shocked to see Angelina Jolie talking about someone that wasn’t her that there were audible gasps in the crowd. And some people fell over and vomited like in the opening titles to Quincy. Alright, we made that bit up.

We don't know if we've mentioned it, but Angelina Jolie has a movie out - it doesn't look very good, but keep that to yourself. But, despite what you might think by the amount of time that she's spent promoting the movie by hanging babies from her boobs on the cover of magazines, Angelina Jolie isn't the only person involved in the making of that movie. It also happened to be directed by Clint Eastwood, whoever he is. And in a shocking break, Angelina Jolie last night decided to do a little more promotion by paying tribute to Clint Eastwood at a Hollywood awards gala. In fact - and we're not making this up - people were so shocked to see Angelina Jolie talking about someone that wasn't her that there were audible gasps in the crowd. And some people fell over and vomited like in the opening titles to Quincy. Alright, we made that bit up.
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