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Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie Twins: What Does Old Estranged Grandpappy Think?

by Stuart Heritage

Since Angelina Jolie is the only woman in the history of time itself to have ever given birth, it’s only right that people want in.

Ever since Angelina’s twins Knox and Vivienne were born this weekend, they’ve had to battle for attention with all kinds of blithering nonentities determined to spout of about what they think of them. And that even includes Angelina Jolie’s dad, Jon Voight.

Even though he’s been estranged from Angelina Jolie for the best part of a decade, Jon Voight has still felt the need to rush off and tell the nearest media organisation how happy he is about the twins on the off-chance that Angelina will let him see them. Sounds heartbreaking, we know, but don’t be fooled – Jon Voight stars in the National Treasure movies, so it’s only natural that Angelina wants to keep the kids as far away from Nicolas Cage as possible.

Since Angelina Jolie is the only woman in the history of time itself to have ever given birth, it's only right that people want in. Ever since Angelina's twins Knox and Vivienne were born this weekend, they've had to battle for attention with all kinds of blithering nonentities determined to spout of about what they think of them. And that even includes Angelina Jolie's dad, Jon Voight. Even though he's been estranged from Angelina Jolie for the best part of a decade, Jon Voight has still felt the need to rush off and tell the nearest media organisation how happy he is about the twins on the off-chance that Angelina will let him see them. Sounds heartbreaking, we know, but don't be fooled - Jon Voight stars in the National Treasure movies, so it's only natural that Angelina wants to keep the kids as far away from Nicolas Cage as possible.
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Nice’s Mayor Makes Jolie-Pitt Twin Birth Official, Just So You Know

by hecklerspray staff

The mayor of Nice officially welcomed the newborn Jolie-Pitt twins into the world yesterday, begging the question, who gives a giant rip? It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile about it.

But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin.

Having the mayor if Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears’ spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.

The mayor of Nice officially welcomed the newborn Jolie-Pitt twins into the world yesterday, begging the question, who gives a giant rip? It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile about it. But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin. Having the mayor if Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears' spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.
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Angelina Jolie Gives Her Babies Depressingly Normal Names

by Stuart Heritage

So Angelina Jolie has finally given birth to those baby twins she seems to have been pregnant with for the last 28 months.

And now that Angelina Jolie has increased her ever-expanding brood of biological and adopted kids to six, you’d expect that she’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? Well think again – if the babies’ names are anything to go by, Angelina Jolie bloody well hates the pair of them.

Why? Because we all know that Angelina Jolie loves to give her children all sorts of zany names, but these new ones? Angelina’s actually given them names that they’ll be able to pronounce?Urgh! Worst of all, they’re not even made up-names! One’s called Leon and the other one’s called Vivienne – Angelina may as well have just slapped them both in the face at birth and had done with it.

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Angelina Jolie’s Unborn Twins Already A Bit French

by Stuart Heritage

As if Angelina Jolie’s unborn children didn’t have it good enough already, what with all that guaranteed genetic perfection and whatnot, now they get to be French too.

The mayor of Nice, where Angelina Jolie plans to give birth to her twins, has announced that he’s made the unborn tots honourary citizens of the town for the rest of their lives.

What that basically means is that Angelina Jolie’s unborn twins now have the right to be treated like French people wherever they are in the world. They’ll feel at home no matter what they do – whether it’s discussing Sartre over coffee, indulging in some of the world’s finest gastronomy or walking around British historical cities really slowly in a huge crowd wearing purple trousers and garish rucksacks and refusing to get out of your way despite your obvious annoyance.

As if Angelina Jolie's unborn children didn't have it good enough already, what with all that guaranteed genetic perfection and whatnot, now they get to be French too. The mayor of Nice, where Angelina Jolie plans to give birth to her twins, has announced that he's made the unborn tots honourary citizens of the town for the rest of their lives. What that basically means is that Angelina Jolie's unborn twins now have the right to be treated like French people wherever they are in the world. They'll feel at home no matter what they do - whether it's discussing Sartre over coffee, indulging in some of the world's finest gastronomy or walking around British historical cities really slowly in a huge crowd wearing purple trousers and garish rucksacks and refusing to get out of your way despite your obvious annoyance.
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Angelina Jolie’s Twins To Remain Gut-Bound For The Foreseeable

by Stuart Heritage

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies.

No such luck, we’re afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie’s obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of “They’ve been born! And they’re beautiful!” what it actually got was “They’re not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!”

So Angelina Jolie isn’t going to give birth any time soon, then, although she’s going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We’re getting a little tired of all this waiting though – Angelina’s got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies. No such luck, we're afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie's obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of "They've been born! And they're beautiful!" what it actually got was "They're not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!" So Angelina Jolie isn't going to give birth any time soon, then, although she's going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We're getting a little tired of all this waiting though - Angelina's got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.
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Angelina Jolie Ready To Pop Her Twins All Over The Place

by Stuart Heritage

This is it – the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they’re never likely to meet has been waiting for.

That’s right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don’t worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn’t going to have her twins just yet – she’s just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens.

But it’s still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We’re actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they’re born in – in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.

This is it - the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they're never likely to meet has been waiting for. That's right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don't worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn't going to have her twins just yet - she's just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens. But it's still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We're actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they're born in - in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.
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Men Want Brad Pitt’s Bod, But Fancy Jessica Alba

by hecklerspray staff

From DietPixie – A massive 90% of blokes aged 15-40 would like to be more muscular, with the favourite body to covet being Brad Pitt’s.

His missus, Angelina Jolie, came second in the league table of ladies whose bodies they admired, with new mum Jessica Alba coming first.

Madonna and Britney: not so good.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

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The Art of Punching Above Your Weight, Starring Billy-Bob Thornton

by Ian Dransfield

The king of punching above his weight has attempted to strike another blow for weird-looking men everywhere. Yes, Billy-Bob Thornton has made claims that Angelina Jolie may come crawling back to him at some point, once she’s done with her relationship with that Brad Pitt character. We’re not sure when that will be, mind, as [...]

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Angelina Jolie’s Slave Has Evil Media-Deceiving Twin

by Shawn Lindseth

It’s been a long couple of weeks for Angelina Jolie. Not only has she given birth to twins (one of them with the spine on the outside), but she’s also uncovered a previously unknown breed of dinosaur in her new French backyard, and her food cravings just before birth caused her to break through a bakery’s glass window pane and eat the little man she found in there frosting cakes.

Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press than so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant.

Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from.

Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.

It’s been a long couple of weeks for Angelina Jolie. Not only has she given birth to twins (one of them with the spine on the outside), but she’s also uncovered a previously unknown breed of dinosaur in her new French backyard, and her food cravings just before birth caused her to break through a bakery’s glass window pane and eat the little man she found in there frosting cakes. Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press than so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant. Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from. Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.
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Angelina Jolie Thuds Out Those Unborn Babies Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

Hoist the flags and sound the trumpets – Angelina Jolie has either given birth to twins or farted really, really loudly!

Reports are flooding in that Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins in France. However, right now nobody seems to know how unpregnant Angelina Jolie actually is because, while the reports are mostly convincing, it appears that Angelina has given the twin girls vaguely sensible names. And if we know Angelina Jolie, we know that she’d rather stab a baby in the face than give it a name that she hasn’t just made up from a random combination of letters on a whim.

Anyway – Angelina Jolie! Babies! Birth! Let’s go!

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