Articles tagged with: Angelina Jolie
Brad Pitt ditched Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie quite some time ago now, and you'd think that the three of them would be starting to think about bygones.
Not a flipping chance. In fact, if current reports are to be believed, Jennifer Aniston is still quite miserable about the whole shebang and blames Angelina Jolie for ruining her entire life.
Which should make for a fun evening on February 23, because that's when all three of them are going to host a charity event in Beverly Hills together. Let's hope it's a charity auction, because they could make a fortune flogging off the clumps of hair and flesh that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will invariably claw off each other about three seconds after clapping eyes on each other.
When Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to jump, she says "how high?" And when Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to start filling her guts up with unborn children, she'll stuff twice as many as he asked for up there.
That's the insinuation being made, anyway. Angelina Jolie reportedly only decided to fall pregnant with twins because she was scared that Brad Pitt would leave her if she didn't.
If that's true then Angelina Jolie is a fool. She should come and shack up with us, because we'd never ask her to get pregnant if she didn't want to. In fact, we hate children so much that we'd make her drown all her existing kids in the bath before we let her move her stuff in. That's the exact opposite of what Brad Pitt wants, which is why we're confident that Angelina Jolie will choose us.
Forget bloating stomachs and tender boobies - the only way we'll ever know if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins or not is if reporters start getting arrested near her house.
What's that? A reporter has been arrested near Angelina Jolie's house? Then the prophesies are true - Angelina Jolie is going to be a mother again!
Either that or she and Brad Pitt just enjoy trying to lock up anyone who tries to get too close to them for free. But, screw it, let's just go with the pregnancy thing.
Not content with adopting enough kids to start a lucrative sweatshop business, Angelina Jolie has got herself knocked up with twins.
That's the claim anyway - magazines are reporting that Angelina Jolie has just discovered that she's pregnant with two of Brad Pitt's twins, a rumour apparently validated by Angelia's refusal to get drunk at a recent awards show.
And if it's true then Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have to get their skates on - they're going to have to find a really obscure third-world country to have the twins in, and the clock's already ticking.
Angelina Jolie is losing her touch - she hasn't adopted a third-world orphan for almost ten months now.
The old Angelina Jolie we know wouldn't be nearly as tardy - give her ten months a couple of years ago and she'd have absorbed a country the size of Chad into her bulging rainbow-coloured multicultural orphanarium - but at least Angelina's making up for lost time by preparing to adopt another Ethiopian baby.
Yes, we know that Angelina Jolie has got an Ethiopian baby already, but getting another one is a strategic move to prise David Banda out of Madonna's claws come the next round of high-stakes pro-am celebrity adoption baby-swapsies.
Ready for some more chances to make money from unhappy celebrities? Step right up. We're starting 2008 as we mean to go on, by crossing our fingers really hard and hoping that just about every celebrity couple in the land gets divorced and spends the rest of their lives wallowing about in abject near-suicidal misery just so we can make £12.50 from a lucky stab at a bet. And when we say 'we' we really mean 'you'. It's £12.50 that you didn't have before, at least. So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. Help, as ever, comes from Paddy Power...
Now, ask any man who lives in the past to name two actresses that he'd like to see have a bit of a wrestle in a mud-filled paddling pool and, after some heavy prompting, there's a chance he might say Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie. That wouldn't happen now, though - nobody in their right mind would want to see the scrawny adopting lady and the middle-aged woman with the horse's mouth do anything even vaguely erotic - but it isn't stopping Julia Roberts from getting all bitchy about Angelina Jolie. According to reports, Julia Roberts hates Angelina Jolie and says she could have easily done a better job at A Mighty Heart than Angelina - something that we'd be inclined to agree with. After all, Angelina Jolie really didn't explore the goofy, fun-loving, spontaneously-laughing-out-loud side of Marianne Pearl when she went on the harrowing journey through Pakistan to track down her dead husband as well as we'd have liked.
When Angelina Jolie made Beowulf, she knew she was making the tricky transition between 'ultra-earnest humanitarian actress' to 'mostly-naked computer-generated Old English mythical half-sex lizard from the year 700 AD.'
And of all the transitions a woman can make, it's probably the hardest one - one minute you're crying over pictures of sad third-world orphans and the next minute you're having your head chopped off by Ray Winstone's virtual sword in a sexy way - but it's one that Angelina Jolie can make without even breaking her stride. And how did Angelina Jolie do this? By turning up to the London Beowulf premiere in a pair of leather trousers so skin-tight that her bum-stitches burst wide open, forcing Brad Pitt to spend the rest of the evening trying to cover up Angelina's arse-spillage with his hands, that's how!
