Articles tagged with: Angelina Jolie
Seriously, I’m Totally Normal, Lies Angelina Jolie
It must be International Fibbing Week or something, because it seems like untruths are spilling from celebrities, like soup from bearded tramp's inebriated spluttering mouth. Yesterday Posh Spice said something about not being remotely thin. And today, it turns out that Angelina Jolie has been insisting to OK! Magazine - the UK's least discerning showbusiness pamphlet - that she's completely normal. Not totally weird at all. Only, she is totally weird. We know that. Discussing her new role as mother to children with intriguing names - Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Knox, Vivienne - she breezily pointed out that she's "just a dedicated mother, really quite normal." Whilst obviously stretching the boundaries of what "normal" might be with a single sentence.
It must be International Fibbing Week or something, because it seems like untruths are spilling from celebrities, like soup from bearded tramp's inebriated spluttering mouth. Yesterday Posh Spice said something about not being remotely thin. And today, it turns out that Angelina Jolie has been insisting to OK! Magazine - the UK's least discerning showbusiness pamphlet - that she's completely normal. Not totally weird at all. Only, she is totally weird. We know that. Discussing her new role as mother to children with intriguing names - Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Knox, Vivienne - she breezily pointed out that she's "just a dedicated mother, really quite normal." Whilst obviously stretching the boundaries of what "normal" might be with a single sentence.
Angelina Jolie & Jennifer Aniston Now Also Annoyingly Rich
Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in. It's true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn't true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis - but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood's top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. We know what you're thinking - where's Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt's magic wand willy is that magic, OK?
Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in. It's true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn't true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis - but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood's top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. We know what you're thinking - where's Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt's magic wand willy is that magic, OK?
Jennifer Aniston Tells A Joke (About Herself, Naturally)
Oh thank goodness. We've been waiting for this. Ever since Angelina Jolie was named as the world's most powerful celebrity, we've been waiting. We're referring to Jennifer Aniston's crackpot retort, of course. And, on Friday at the Women In Film Awards, that retort finally came. Dressed in about three square millimetres of tinfoil, Jennifer Aniston hopped up on stage and - get this - told a self-deprecating joke about her love life. Take that, Brangelina! Obviously Jennifer Aniston's appearance and joke may have had little or nothing to do with Angelina Jolie whatsoever. But that'd be less entertaining, so shut up.
Oh thank goodness. We've been waiting for this. Ever since Angelina Jolie was named as the world's most powerful celebrity, we've been waiting. We're referring to Jennifer Aniston's crackpot retort, of course. And, on Friday at the Women In Film Awards, that retort finally came. Dressed in about three square millimetres of tinfoil, Jennifer Aniston hopped up on stage and - get this - told a self-deprecating joke about her love life. Take that, Brangelina! Obviously Jennifer Aniston's appearance and joke may have had little or nothing to do with Angelina Jolie whatsoever. But that'd be less entertaining, so shut up.
Skulk, Ye Insignificant Fools, Before Angelina Jolie’s Almighty Power
Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way. We're not experts, so we don't know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple. Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.
Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way. We're not experts, so we don't know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple. Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Kiss! On The Mouth! ON THE MOUTH!
There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble. The second is that their marriage is fine. The third - the school we subscribe to - goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won't you make it stop shut up. So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.
There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble. The second is that their marriage is fine. The third - the school we subscribe to - goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won't you make it stop shut up. So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.
Hollywood FACT: Prettiness x10 = Accepted Level Of Crazy
Imagine going on a date with someone who seems perfectly normal. Throughout the course of the evening, you notice that they have a little vial around their neck. “Oh, that, that's just my ex husband's blood.” says your date as she pours you another glass of wine. “When I'm not looking after my fifty six billion children, I'm busy learning how to knife throw and kissing my brother in a way that could only be described as really really creepy. What do you do in your spare time?” I reckon it'd take you about ten seconds to make your 'something bad happened' excuse and get the hell out of there. Leaving your wallet, phone and passport behind if you had to. Run! Run away! Unless you're on a date with Angelina Jolie.
Imagine going on a date with someone who seems perfectly normal. Throughout the course of the evening, you notice that they have a little vial around their neck. “Oh, that, that's just my ex husband's blood.” says your date as she pours you another glass of wine. “When I'm not looking after my fifty six billion children, I'm busy learning how to knife throw and kissing my brother in a way that could only be described as really really creepy. What do you do in your spare time?” I reckon it'd take you about ten seconds to make your 'something bad happened' excuse and get the hell out of there. Leaving your wallet, phone and passport behind if you had to. Run! Run away! Unless you're on a date with Angelina Jolie.
Sexiest Women Of The Noughties (So Far)
With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect. How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.
With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect. How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.
Miley Cyrus Talks About Her Angelina Jolie Crush
Here's a guest blog by the angelic Amy Grindhouse... Miley Cyrus has reassured a panicked Angelina Jolie that she is not stalking her and that she does not have a girl crush on her. Sources say the emergency sniffer dogs and snipers have been called off. The pint-sized pop singer had previously scared the bejeesus out of Saint Angelina and Angie’s marauding horde of celebrity worshipers on Oscar Night by declaring “She’s beautiful…she could, like, adopt me!” Thankfully, for all those concerned, security was tight on the night and so nobody over-excitedly assaulted or adopted anybody they should not have.
Here's a guest blog by the angelic Amy Grindhouse... Miley Cyrus has reassured a panicked Angelina Jolie that she is not stalking her and that she does not have a girl crush on her. Sources say the emergency sniffer dogs and snipers have been called off. The pint-sized pop singer had previously scared the bejeesus out of Saint Angelina and Angie’s marauding horde of celebrity worshipers on Oscar Night by declaring “She’s beautiful…she could, like, adopt me!” Thankfully, for all those concerned, security was tight on the night and so nobody over-excitedly assaulted or adopted anybody they should not have.
