Expressionless slab-faced lump of FAIL David Boreanaz – better known for playing ‘Angel’, the perplexing object of affection for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and little else unless you count that cop show that only your mother really likes (although you still have to find it for her on her EPG) – will no doubt be today celebrating his complete exoneration from charges of sexual harassment filed all the way back in July of last year.

If, by ‘complete exoneration’ you mean ‘he paid-off the complainant so she’d keep quiet’.

Or ‘settled out of court’ as they call it in that America.

Which of course is absolutely fine as all Boreanaz was really accused of was sending “inappropriate text messages”. If that’s a crime, all hecklerspray staff are looking at twenty years, County Time. (No, we don’t know what that means either.)

Oh and apparently, according to defendant Kristina Hagan, he tried to “kiss her and touch her breasts”.

Again, anyone outraged by this has never been to an office party. Ever.

And she has claimed that Boreanaz masturbated in front of her.

Which is where we draw the line, because that is disgusting. The staff here at hecklerspray are appalled by this. We never masturbate in front of anyone. We even cover the mirror in the bathroom with a towel so we can’t see ourselves doing it.

hecklerspray wishes the very best of luck to David ‘Forehead’ Boreanaz as he reportedly does his best to save his marriage to Jaime Bergman, and we suspect he will need it. We’ve googled her, decided she’s ‘fit’ and he’s now got some serious competition from deluded men and women in underpants who haven’t left the ‘spray house in days.

And after already admitting to having full sex with another woman without his wife’s knowledge, he’s probably got an up-hill struggle, what with as all this ‘feeling-up an intern and spaffing-off in front of her as well’ legal nonsense.

We suspect that not only has he much ‘sofa-time’ to contend with, there will also be endless opportunities for ‘personal self-discovery’ as he attempts to save his marriage, whilst reflecting upon the fact that attempting to fuck the girl at the studio who brings his coffee is a silly thing to do.

Which, by the way, he DEFINITELY DIDN’T DO.

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Poor old Angel. Just a few weeks into Big Brother and already she’s been evicted. How sad.

Whatever will Angel do with her life now? Apart, you know, from her professional boxing, professional singing, professional tattoo-artisting, fashion design, fitness coaching and all-round looking a bit like a man? We literally have no idea. That poor girl’s all at sea. We’d worry about her, but we’ll have forgotten what her name is by Wednesday so it hardly seems worth it.

Anyway, now that Angel’s gone, here’s who’s been catching our eye in the Big Brother house this week…

Krogface – Yes, Krogface. Bloody Krogface, OK? Kris and Dogface. Krogface. People will start calling them this soon. They will. Especially since, if their sole exposure to Big Brother this year has been through red-top newspapers, they’ll probably believe that Krogface are the only Big Brother housemates on the show. Every day in The Sun it’s Krogface this and Krogface that – but the thing is, Krogface are rubbish. They’re possibly the most boring Big Brother housemates of all time. Kris does nothing but mope around silently like Rod Hull‘s lobotomised niece, and Dogface is so completely vapid that we’re genuinely starting to believe that she’s a lost Samanda sibling who was cast out of the family as an infant for not even being as clever as her moronic sisters. We don’t even think that Dogface has managed a full sentence from beginning to end without making a mistake since Big Brother started. They’re awful. Please, let’s get Krogface out so she can get the obligatory Nuts cover out of the way and we can go about forgetting them forever.

Noirin - Now that Noirin has finally been allowed to stop drawing marker pen glasses on her face and let her eyebrows grow back, it’s about time that we celebrated her as the hottie that she is. Hooray! We’d quite like Noirin to be our girlfriend actually. Even though she spends most of her time being pointlessly confrontational towards anyone who shows her even the faintest glimmer of attention. And she’s completely infatuated with herself. And she’s convinced that she’s cleverer than she actually is, even though in reality she’s one of those awful sixth-formy wankers who constantly try so hard to look deep that they actually come across as the world’s worst kind of smugly vacuous jizzpot. And she’s an impossible arsehole all the time. Actually, you know what? We probably don’t want Noirin to be our girlfriend. She’s a berk.

Lisa – We’ve been ignoring Lisa a little since Big Brother started, and this has been for two reasons. Firstly, she looks like Lil’ Chris will once the inevitable crack addiction kicks in. Secondly, whenever she appears on screen it’s all we can do not to kick the TV over and smash it into splinters with our bare hands. Lisa is terrible – she seems to want to position herself as Big Brother‘s resident mother-figure, except that she’s so grating and genuinely unlikeable that she ends up coming across as the sort of abusive mother who you’d find in one of those Boy Named It-style misery-porn books. Everyone who disagrees with Lisa – which is everyone, because Lisa is an arse – ends up being subjected to a lengthy, angry, holier-than-thou diatribe that always seems to be based around the theme of “I can do whatever I like, right?”, and that’s literally all the woman does. Except for sing to herself, obviously, because Lisa seems to fancy herself as a bit of a pop star in the making. She isn’t. When she sings she sounds like Adrien Chiles being repeatedly smacked in the balls with a plank of wood. If you hadn’t guessed by now, we don’t really like Lisa very much.

Later this week – Big Brother eviction nonsense.

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On Thursday night the Big Brother housemates voted for nominations live in an attempt to boost ratings.

And it certainly worked because we, um, forgot to watch that particular episode of Big Brother. With dedicated fans like us, no wonder the show’s going from strength to strength. But anyway, it turns out that the Big Brother housemates nominated for eviction tonight are Angel and Halfwit.

One of them has to go – and it doesn’t take a genius to work out which one it’ll be – but for the sake of tradition let’s get down to it and assess their chances of Big Brother survival anyway…

Halfwit – Forget Krogface (yes, we’re still sticking with the Krogface thing. It’ll catch on eventually, we promise) because Halfwit is the only reason to watch Big Brother at the moment. That’s not necessarily because he’s witty and charismatic – because he’s neither, and his stupid voice makes us fantasise about pushing him down a flight of stairs – but because the people in the Big Brother house still haven’t caught onto the fact that he’s inexplicably popular with the public. This is Halfwit’s third nomination in three weeks, and it’ll probably be his third eviction survival. Before long they’ll start to realise that Halfwit is a fan favourite and then – plagued by the knowledge that the viewers prefer a simpering aristocratic bellend with a crap beard to them – they’ll start self-harming for attention. Or Halfwit will get so annoyed by being nominated by his peers week after week that he’ll start smothering them in their sleep. We don’t really care which of these happens first, so long as one of them happens.

Angel – Poor old Angel. She’s up against the confusing might that is Halfwit, and she doesn’t stand a chance. In a way it’ll be sad to see Angel go, because she’s a genuine Big Brother eccentric. What’s more, she’s possibly the horniest Big Brother housemate in years, too – at the last count she’d fallen love with Noirin, made Halfwit fall in love with her and sort of did something dangerously approaching attempted rape on Sree – and given a few more weeks with no action in the Big Brother house there’s a very strong chance that Angel would have started graphically licking herself like a domesticated animal. On the other hand, though, it won’t be too much of a shame to see Angel go, because it means that Big Brother is one step away from ending. So let’s assume that Angel is out tonight. We just hope that she leaves the Big Brother house as she enters it – in slow motion, wearing a top hat, doing cack-handed mime moves and getting booed by just about everyone on the entire planet.

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On Friday, Big Brother said goodbye to Cairon. Farewell Cairon, we barely knew ye.

Which is just as well, really, because you seemed like a massive turd. But good luck with the rest of your life. And good luck with that whole ‘pretending to be American’ thing. We’re sure you’ll end up being at least partially convincing at it one day. But with Cairon gone, what else has been going on in the Big Brother house?

We’re not completely sure, but here’s what we think of Marcus, Angel, Karly and Siavash anyway…

Marcus – For the first week or so of Big Brother, it looked like Marcus was playing the classic ‘head down and gun for third place’ strategy. But it was always fairly obvious that someone that odd – with a haircut that impossibly terrible – wasn’t going to be able to keep a lid on his madness for very long. So that’s why it wasn’t a complete surprise when Marcus used this last week to out himself as a handsy pervert with a crippling comic book fetish who lives with his mum, seems to have a vocabulary that won’t stretch beyond the words ‘tits’ and ‘vibe’ and probably hasn’t ever seen a female woman in the flesh before. Combined, these facets of Marcus’s personality have created a bona fide nutcase. He’s already freaked out most of the girls in the Big Brother house by continually asking them to disrobe for him, and at this rate it’s only a matter of time before he goes rifling through someone’s underwear drawer with his face. However, his alienation from the rest of the house won’t be too much of a problem for him, because Marcus sees himself as a lone wolf. He’s not a wolf, though. He’s a bellend.

Angel – We’ll admit that we don’t know too much about this Angel chap, because he’s been keeping himself pretty much to himself lately. He talks in this inscrutable Russian accent all the time, too, which is a problem. However, we can feel ourselves starting to warm to Angel for a couple of reasons. Firstly, on Thursday, Angel decided to make a sort of engine noise with his mouth by humming and slapping his lips together for no other reason than because it really annoyed everyone else in the Big Brother house. And he wouldn’t stop doing it, no matter what they did. This sort of deliberate provocation sits very well with us, and we now want Angel to succeed at everything he attempts. Also on Thursday, if you needed to be convinced any further, Angel threw innocent young Sree against a wall, apparently in an effort to rape him. This was brilliant because it prompted perhaps the best anti-rape struggle in the history of the world – culminating in a kind of pained, impassioned “No! I’m happy with my life!” For these reasons, we think that we’ve started to want Angel to win Big Brother. Well done, sir.

Karly – Up until now, we’ll admit that we’ve been ignoring Karly a little. This has been because she is blonde girl with big boobs whose entire life’s ambition seems to be getting on the cover of Nuts magazine – which makes her identical to Dogface, but Dogface is more interesting because her hair is blonder, her boobs are bigger and the extent of her ambition seems to be even more jaw-droppingly vacuous. However, in recent days Karly has been trying harder to carve out an identity for herself within the Big Brother house, and that’s why we’re focusing on her today. What is this identity? Well, we now know that Karly is the girl who looks like Fearne Cotton would if her life had gone very, very wrong at an early age. Also, Karly is Scottish to such a pointless degree that she says ‘betch’ instead of ‘bitch’ which is amusing purely because of her determination to repeat it as much as she possibly can. Lastly, Karly is the Big Brother housemate with Chinese symbols tattooed down her spine – tattoos which, we suspect, translate to ‘I’m a massive twat who probably thinks this says something profoundly spiritual. It doesn’t. It says I’m a twat’. Mission accomplished, Karly.

Siavash – Siavash has an incredibly hairy bottom. That is all.

Later this week – who’s been nominated?

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby‘s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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