In case you missed the news, the UK is the rubbishest in the world at Eurovision – even rubbisher than Spain’s creepy Elvis-geek.

On Saturday the UK Eurovision entry Andy Abraham came joint last – along with some nondescript Germans and a Polish tooth machine who looks like she bathes in Ronseal – causing Terry Wogan to mumble furiously about political block voting and boycotts and even his own resignation if our crap songs weren’t taken as seriously as mainland Europe’s crap songs in the future.

And now Terry Wogan’s outraged warcry has been backed up by none other than Bruce Forsyth. Old men grumbling about stuff? Who’d have thought?

We wouldn’t like to be Andy Abraham at the moment. After coming joint last in Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest, Andy’s managed to become the most high profile British loser in all of Europe. And that’s saying something, given John Terry‘s proven inability to stand up and kick a football at the same time.

Scoring points from just two out of 43 countries, Even If by Andy Abraham is going to go down in history as a song that’s even less successful than Scooch. Than Scooch, for christ’s sake. Watching your children get gang-raped by bears has to be less painful than that.

And that’s why the angry Eurovision backlash has begun. It started during Eurovision itself, as Terry Wogan started to mutter darkly about western Europe boycotting the contest because Eurovision was no longer a music contest while watching several former-Soviet countries give full marks to the Russian entry.

Andy Abraham had one of our best entries in years, Wogan said. It didn’t matter that it sounded like the theme tune to Supermarket Sweep, or that it was the second song to be performed out of 25 so everyone forgot about it when they voted, or that it was completely free of any memorable traits whatsoever – we should have won and because we didn’t we should pick our ball up and go home.

And now Terry Wogan has received some high-profile backing from an 80-year-old chinny dancer and the man who Kerry Katona named her child after. The Press Association reports:

Showbusiness legend Bruce Forsyth said: “I agree with him. It’s not a song contest any more, it’s political. It’s all so biased, it’s developed into a farce. I’ve stopped watching it, the last couple of years.”… Public relations guru Max Clifford commented: “Terry Wogan is spot on. It’s all about politics and block voting and nothing to do with the merits of a song. It’s like having a World Cup where the results are worked out in political terms and it’s got nothing to do with who scores the most goals.”

So what’s going to happen? Is the UK really going to retreat from Eurovision? There’ll be a bit of a catch-22 scenario if it does, because the UK pays for about 40% of Eurovision’s running costs at the moment. If the UK quits Eurovision then the lack of money will force several other smaller former Soviet countries out of the contest, too, effectively dismantling the eastern voting block. With that gone, the competition will be fairer and the UK stands a decent hope of winning. Until it decides to rejoin Eurovision, of course, because then it’ll pay for everything again and the eastern voting block will be able to afford to rejoin as well and we’re all back at square one.

Oh, it’s a tricky one. Why can’t Eurovision be fair and simple like it was in the old days, when it was won and lost depending on which crackpot fascist nationalist dictator happened to be in power at any given time? Such a simpler time.

Read more:

Wogan backed over Eurovision attack - PA

So this is it – both Eurovision semi-finals have been and gone and everything’s set for tomorrow’s Eurovision Song Contest final.

If you haven’t placed a Eurovision bet yet, then this is the time to do so. The odds are currently flying around all over the place, so get in quick. It couldn’t be simpler to do. And, as for today, we’ve save the best for last. Well, OK, maybe not the best. We’ve saved the alphabetically final for last. Yes, that’s better.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Andy Abraham and the UK, with help from Paddy Power…

UK (pop. 59,553,800; a country in western Europe) Andy Abraham, Even If

Remember when X Factor runner-up Andy Abraham won the Eurovision qualifier? That was a sorry day and no mistake – his song wasn’t even the best of the night, so what chance does it have of winning Eurovision? As it turns out, time has been rather kind to Even If. Now that we’ve been forced to listen to all the other Eurovision songs in the running this year, the fact that Even If isn’t a bad dance remix powerballad is actually fairly refreshing. Plus everyone likes that song I Believe In Miracles, don’t they, and this sounds identical to that. So maybe, just maybe Even If by Andy Abraham isn’t quite as bad as we made out. Still sounds like the theme-tune to a shit daytime TV gameshow, though. And let’s not kid ourselves that the fucker will even win, shall we. Current Eurovision betting odds – 50/1

Next week – Not a clue. Seriously. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

In each year's Eurovision Song Contest, there's always one bland-looking middle-aged man singing a hopelessly generic, instantly forgettable disco tune with '16th place' written all over it.

And this year it's us.

Andy Abraham, an X Factor runner-up from 2005, won Eurovision: Your Decision on Saturday night, which means he'll be representing us at the Eurovision Song Contest in May with his song Even If. And that would be fine, except that a) everyone involved in the show obviously wanted Michelle Gayle to win, and b) Andy Abraham's song is a big sack of donkey bollocks. Honestly, not a single homosexual blowjob joke. Who do these people think we are?

Britain has a proud tradition at the Eurovision Song Contest. Admittedly it's a tradition that involves sending a bunch of clueless twonks into mainland Europe armed only with an unimaginably terrible song and then muttering about political voting when they inevitably bottom out in front of an audience of hundreds of millions, but we never said it was a good tradition.

It's almost as if we don't know what music Europeans like any more, although that can't be the case. Play a Romanian a song about schoolgirls by a rapping pikey who looks like a murderer, or some sub-Steps dance twaddle about oral sex and they'll go crazy for it, right? What do you mean, no? 

Which brings us to Saturday's Eurovision: Your Decision. Back in the day it was called A Song For Europe. But back in the day it didn't try so hard to be a bad third-generation X Factor clone that you half expected Dannii Minogue to wander on halfway through and hypnotise everyone with her impossibly shiny face. Honestly, whoever invented Eurovision: Your Decision needs to be humanly put to sleep, because it just didn't make any sense.

This is how Eurovision: Your Decision worked: six acts all sang songs in three groups of head-to-head battles, and half were immediately eliminated by the annoying man from Torchwood – except for one who was retained as a wildcard – with the remaining acts voted for by the public for an hour to find the top two, allowing voting to be briefly suspended and then resumed for 10 minutes so the public could vote for a second time and pick a winner. Simple really.

Anyway, forget the ridiculous rules – what were the songs like? As if you need to be told. They included a Girls Aloud rip-off by two nondescript women who'll be in Nuts magazine by the end of the year when they've failed at everything else, the obligatory Eurovision Motowny song performed by three girls who couldn't hit a note if you tied it to a chair and gave them knuckle dusters, a pointless ballad by a winking creep who used to be on that Joseph show, a song by the Romanian girl from the Maria show that sounded like one of those Shakira songs that doesn't do well because it's not about her tits, Even If by Andy Abraham and Woo! You Make Me by Michelle Gayle.

Everyone wanted Michelle Gayle to win. Everyone. Her song was up-tempo, catchy, fun and – most importantly – only contained the words "Woo!", "Yeah!" and "Ow!" so it was like listening to Pete from Big Brother being beaten up by a gang of football hooligans. The expert judges, knowing that Michelle Gayle's song was the best of a bad bunch, were clearly desperate for her to represent the UK at Eurovision. But the expert judges didn't get the final say.

No. The public had the final say. The light entertainment Saturday evening public – a portion of the public who cheerily clap along to baby-rape if it happened on a shiny-floored studio, Dale Winton was presenting and they had a chance of winning a mid-range car. And the public didn't want Michelle Gayle to win. It wanted Andy Abraham to win.

Oh come on, Andy Abraham. Prawny Andy the sad binman who didn't win X Factor three years ago. You remember. No? Well someone must have, because he won Eurovision: Your Decision and it really can't have been because his song was good. Because it wasn't. Even If by Andy Abraham couldn't have been more uselessly generic if it rolled off a factory production line, and the closest it'll ever come do being big in Europe is if it gets played on one of those horrible Dover to Calais Dance To France disco ferry trips. Take a look for yourself. And don't be scared of Andy Abraham's man-nipples. Yes, they're the size of a grown man's fists, but they won't hurt you…

Watch Even If by Andy Abraham again. And again. And again. And again. Can you remember how it goes? Us neither. And if you can't remember it, then imagine how a poverty-stricken Latvian goat-farmer is going to fare during a three-hour Eurovision Song Contest full of other equally terrible tunes.

Maybe, and we know this is a crazy idea here, but maybe next year the BBC should do away with Eurovision: Your Decision and initiate some sort of Eurovision: Let's Leave The Decision Up To People Who Know What They're Doing For Once. Because, honestly, we don't even think that Andy Abraham is going to beat Ireland's abusive Eurovision turkey puppet come May. He couldn't even beat Shayne Ward, for God's sake. Shayne Ward!

Read more:

Eurovision 2008 - BBC