Not content with ruining The Wizard of Oz, Oliver! and Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, it looks like Professional Scrotum Impersonator and Part Time Song Word Writerer, Andrew Lloyd Webber has declared his intentions on turning heresy into an all-singing, all dancing, some crying, and probably a few catty comments, contest.

Originally entitled ‘Superstar’, it is set to be played directly into our eyeballs in the Summer on ITV.

As we all know, but will recap for heathens not in the loop, Jesus Christ Superstar is about The Son Of Our Lord Amen, but through the eyes of Judas Iscariot during his ‘Maybe Paganism is the way to go’ phase. Iscariot becomes disenfranchised with Jesus’ teachings and other general prattlings (but not the magic. The magic is the bestest), believing that his claims are just that of a madman with a cult following. Much like One Direction, or Chris Brown, or Michael Jackson fans.* It’s basically the boring parts of Easter but with toe tappingly fantastic songs. But no eggs.

Lloyd Webber is teaming up with Steven Balsamo (who played Jesus in the 1990s stage show and not to be confused with Steve Buscemi) to find a new Jesus and Judas to pit against each other one more time, and take them all on a lovely arena tour around the country starting in the O2.

Completing the judging panel is the actress picked to play Mary Magdelene and another big star (Webber wants Meatloaf, we’d rather a colonoscopy with no lube).

The wrinkled foreskin said:

“I think it’s going to be very exciting. What I’m really excited about is we are taking it back to how it started in an arena. I’m looking for a rock band that can play 140 songs. I want the whole thing to be a complete rock band and I want to see if the kids can do it or not. It is the public who lead the casting process and they’ve got it absolutely right four times already.”

It’s a fantastic move to defect to ITV, because with the added razzamatazz that ITV allows itself (compared to the BBC’s self enforced stoicism), as well as tie in performances on The Royal Variety Performance and The Alan Titchmarsh Show, it looks like he might be onto a winner.

How could he lose with The Big Titch on his side? He’s the only Jesus we truly deserve.

The UK hasn’t exactly been leading the world when it comes to Eurovision lately, has it?

For a nation that spawned Simply Red and Wet Wet Wet, the UK should be bringing home the points instead of lagging at the bottom.

But why is this? Maybe it’s because we haven’t resorted to dancing on stage with camels in silly hats like some of our European neighbours. Nevertheless, Andrew Lloyd Webber has unveiled his six new potential Eurovision contestants. Probably best not to buy any bunting just yet.

It’s all change this year as far as Eurovision is concerned. The UK’s continued failure has infuriated Terry Wogan enough to leave his role as commentator. Instead of having an old Irishman making snide comments about the contestants, this year we’ll make do with a younger camper model called Graham Norton. Now we’ll get high pitched squeals as he says “That outfit is terrible” and “Where did that banana go?”

What’s more, it’s become clear that the UK’s selection process isn’t working – which is why over the last few years we’ve entered a cloth-eared duo, a rapping denim-clad pervert and a singing binman. So the BBC had a ponder and realised that they needed someone who knew about music to come in and sort this out for us.

Instead of picking someone hip and trendy like, er, Mark Ronson they decided to go for someone old and annoying like Andrew Lloyd Webber. The chances of him producing a grinding drum and bass track are probably quite low. Instead, we can expect some sort of orchestral dribble which will only be appreciated by pensioners.

Anyway, as part of the new X Factor-style selection show Eurovision: Your Country Needs You, Andrew Lloyd Webber has picked six acts he thinks will get at least 30 points in 2009’s competition. Not that it matters, because ultimately the winner will be chosen by whoever’s stupid enough to spend £1.50 phoning a premium-rate voting line – the same people who picked Scooch, remember – but let’s not depress ourselves with that at the moment. You can pick from two male soloists, two female singers, a duo consisting of twin sisters and an all-male quintet. BBC News reports:

The female solo hopefuls are Essex teenager Charlotte and Jade from east London – billed as Plaistow’s very own Rihanna. Mark from south Wales and Damien, a 32-year-old singer-songwriter from London, have been picked to represent the male soloists. The Twins – Francine and Nicola – are also in the running, along with vocal group Emperors of Soul.

Essex’s version of Rihanna? So instead of prancing around stage with an umbrella, will she instead waltz around with a bottle of Lambrini in a white shell suit? If anything, picking the twins will be the best option for us. Lesser developed European countries will be shocked and awed as to how we have bred two people who look exactly the same. First they’ll give us the points we need, then they’ll ring Gordon Brown in the morning to get their hands on this strange multi-person technology.

We trust Andrew Lloyd Webber. He seems to know what he’s talking about. He’s old, and the elderly are warm and caring. Though it doesn’t hide the fact that come Eurovision 2009, Russia will still have a strong grip on oil and gas supplies. Oil and gas that everyone else in Europe needs. If making them win a crappy singing competition means we can produce hot water for our Pot Noodles, then we’ll vote for them.

Even if it’s just a dancing bear for three minutes, we’ll vote for Russia. It’ll be more entertaining that we’ll muster up.

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