And yesterday he went. Despite an injury, Andrew Castle unsuccessfully decided to draw attention away from his dicky knee by waggling his shoulders around like an electrocution victim and sort of thrusting his arms about like he was trying to fight off an army of invisible rapists. Not even Andrew Castle’s dance partner rubbing her fanny up and down his bad knee could save him, and that’s really saying something.

So, with Andrew Castle gone, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps this week, for Austin Healey and Heather Small…

Austin Healey – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Austin Healey got to dance a Quickstep to S’wonderful - a dance that was said to be perfect for him because it’s fun and energetic just like him. That wasn’t a completely accurate statement – Austin’s perfect dance would need to be fun and energetic and smug and a bit mouthy – but it was close enough. And the routine itself was just what you’d expect from an Austin Healey performance, in that it was nimble and springy and competent and everyone loved it. That includes the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who called it “as exciting as Lewis Hamilton in the Formula 1″. We think that means it was fast, but so mercilessly professional that it ended up being boring. If that’s the case it was a perfect fit. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Heather Small – For the fist time in what feels like Strictly Come Dancing history, Heather Small avoided the dance-off last week and, with thumping inevitability, it turned her into a cocky little sod during training. Nevertheless, the message was clear – Heather Small is really quite decent at slow ballroom dances. So, on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Heather naturally had a pop at a fast Cha Cha Cha to American Boy. We’re no experts on the Cha Cha Cha, but we’re pretty sure it’s not supposed to be as porny as Heather’s routine was – all full of snarling and collar-grabs and air lassos and pelvic thrusting – nor as wonky and out of time. The Strictly Come Dancing judges said that it was “sluggish and behind the beat – a damp squib rather than taking off like a rocket.” But we’re grateful that Heather Small managed to get through to next week – the longer she stays in, the more likely it is that she’ll have full sex with her partner on live TV. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon.

Not for lack of trying – he even toned down his outfit to just a semi-transparent blouse that gave him a cleavage like an old prostitute down the bingo. Given Mark’s tendency to grimace and flail like a rapist at any opportunity, his Paso Doble to Since U Been Gone should have been amazing. But it wasn’t, and he pulled in his worst score of the entire series for it. And this is Mark Foster we’re taking about – we figured the only way he could actually get any worse was to fart in Tess Daly’s mouth during a Coup de Pique.

But anyway, with Mark Foster out, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Lisa Snowdon and Andrew Castle…

Lisa Snowdon - We always got the impression that if you put Lisa Snowdon and Brendan Cole in a room together, the stench of cockiness would be so overwhelming that it’d peel paint, and we’ve yet to be proved wrong about that. On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing Lisa Snowdon came out on top, and so – as expected – she decided to go all out on this week’s show with a Paso Doble to Eye Of The Tiger. At least we’re told it was a Paso Doble – to us it sort of seemed like a couple of rubbish end of the pier magicians had kidnapped Lisa and Brendan, taken their places and decided to do a bunch of overblown pre-trick mystic arm-wobbles instead. Honestly, the only logical conclusion to that routine was Lisa Snowdon pushing two metal hoops through each other. That didn’t happen, obviously, which narked the Strictly Come Dancing judges off no end. They told Lisa: “You need to open and widen your spine. Work on it because I think you’re going to be fabulous,” which admittedly doesn’t sound very narky, but it was. Honest. Strictly Come Dancing score – 29

Andrew Castle – Even though so far in Strictly Come Dancing, Andrew Castle’s arms have almost dropped his partner and his head has banged backwards and forwards like a woodpecker performing cunnilingus on a taser, his bottom has somehow gained the most attention, because it sticks out a bit. So Andrew’s number one objective when it came to Saturday’s Viennese Waltz to Annie’s Song was to tuck his arse in. And it was a success – for the most part, Andrew’s bum stayed roughly where it was supposed to. Now that’s out of the way, perhaps Andrew can concentrate on sorting out his feet, ankles, legs, torso, shoulders, elbows, arms, hands, neck, head, face and hair, because they’re all pretty woeful too. Especially his face – when he dances, Andrew constantly pulls the same face that most people do when they walk past the homeless, and it’s dreadfully off-putting. However, perhaps because his previous dances have been worse than terrible, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to quite like the routine, saying. “You have made such a staggering improvement. For a fleeting moment you were absolutely into the dance and that’s a first.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 24

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.

It’s wonderful. Not only does it mean that we get to form a clear picture of what the all the dancers are like in comparison with one another, but it also means that we don’t have to put up with any more Strictly Come Dancing group dances. Because, honestly, we’ve seen more coordination in a washing machine full of hamsters.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Andrew Castle, Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…

Andrew Castle - The thing about Andrew Castle is that his dance partner is so unstoppably booby that he’s bound to get through to the latter stages of Strictly Come Dancing. He’d have to do something really stupid for that not to happen. Something unbelievably stupid, like almost dropping his dance partner on the head or something. Which, funnily enough, is what Andrew Castle actually did on Saturday night’s Strictly Come Dancing – his American Smooth to You Know I’m No Good was just bewilderingly bad. That was mostly for the usual reasons – it was all raggedy and clumsy and Andrew Castle’s attempt at a smooth face is pretty much everyone else’s definition of a jail-rape face – but at the end, Andrew tried to pick his partner up, failed, and came thrillingly close to dropping her right on her nose. It could have been punishment for her relentless screeching at him during training, but either way the Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t impressed in the slightest, saying that it was “More dazed and confused than American Smooth.” First headbanging and now a near drop? Next week’s bound to be awesome – we hear that Andrew Castle’s actually going to go on a stabbing rampage. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Christine Bleakley – Christine Bleakley probably works harder than any of the other Strictly Come Dancing contestants, because she trains all day and then has to go and present The One Show every evening. And, by God, we know that if we had to discuss cloud formations with Giles Brandreth every night we’d hardly have the get up and go to do anything but sob about the state of our life. But Christine’s heavy workload hasn’t had too much of an effect on her Strictly Come Dancing performances yet, despite moments of her Samba to Baila Baila Conmigo. Her partner was literally dancing at twice the speed she was, for example, and Christine was ginning so much that she looked like she had a handful of love-eggs stuffed up her chuff. But none of that affected her Strictly Come Dancing score, with the judges telling her that “Your smile lights up the floor, you make everybody want to get up and join in, and that’s a Samba!” But, hey, if you can smile sitting next to Adrien Chiles every day, you can smile at anything. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Jodie Kidd – During her previous go at Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd attempted to be sexy and failed to such an extent that most men would probably be able to bring themselves to completion thinking about the little girl from the ‘If you hit me at 40mph’ advert. But that all changed on Saturday when, despite being in possession of more square footage of limb than most people have in their entire street, Jodie Kidd managed to pull off a surprisingly elegant American Smooth to Witchcraft. It looked a lot more effortless and, for the first time maybe ever, we could understand why Jodie Kidd got paid to be a model. Of course, ballroom dancing should be exactly her thing, since she’s such a bloody rah rah posho-type, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges were effusive with their praise anyway, saying “That was absolutely your best dance.” The bloody posho. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Mark Chambers.

But before we get to that, we’d just like to point out Bruce Forsyth’s new Strictly Come Dancing catchphrase of “I am not doddery, doddery I am not.” Yes, it’s very clever and all Bruce, but it’d probably have a little bit more weight behind it if you didn’t constantly stare out into the distance with the confused look of someone who’s just been pushed out of a helicopter into a forest. You know, we’re just saying.

But back to the Strictly Come Dancing recap. Here’s what we thought about John Sergeant and Andrew Castle…

John Sergeant - On his first Strictly Come Dancing outing, John Sergeant managed to be the surprise hit of the episode, conducting his Waltz with all the charm and pride of a father dancing at his daughter’s wedding. However, this week John Sergeant had to adapt his skills to a Tango to Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. But he didn’t, and ended up twirling his partner round the stage in the exact same way he did before. Given the slightly sexual nature of the Tango, though, this made John look like a father dancing at his daughter’s wedding who knew he’d rigged up hidden cameras inside their honeymoon hotel room and was planning to have a cheeky wank to the footage later. It was a little bit creepy to watch but, John being John, there was still an element of charm in the routine as the Strictly Come Dancing judges pointed out, telling him he was “far too nice for the dance.” Our advice to John – stop thinking of your partner as a loving relative, and more like the mail order bride you plan to kill and bury in your garden. That’s how we’ve got this far. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Andrew Castle – Like Gary Rhodes before him, Andrew Castle spent a week in training whining like a girl about how difficult dancing is. He needn’t have, though. Not because he possesses a natural gift for dance or anything – he really doesn’t – but because he should know that he could spend the entire duration of his routine strangling domestic animals and he’d still go through because his partner’s got quite big boobs. At the start of his Strictly Come Dancing Tango to 20th Century Boy, Andrew Castle seemed to realise this – all he did was stand perfectly still while his partner effectively used him as a makeshift stripper’s pole, which was ingenious. However, Andrew then attempted to actually dance and things unspooled all over the shop. His face didn’t help – he sort of looked like a part-man part-eagle Terminator – but it was probably the headbanging that did him in. Andrew Castle literally stopped dancing altogether at one point and then banged his head so furiously that it looked more like an uncomfortable scene of domestic abuse than a gentile Saturday teatime dance routine. Unsurprisingly, the Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this: “I’ve never seen headbanging in a Tango before,” they cooed. And we know why, too – because it’s cack. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Don Warrington and Tom Chambers.

Just think – all those pretty female celebrities, and all those normal-looking female celebrities who seem to think they’re prettier than they are just because they’re famous. Dancing! On TV! It’s going to be an especially exciting episode of Strictly Come Dancing because we hear that if Jodie Kidd hurts herself, Bruce Forsyth gets to cover her with a blanket and shoot her.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Andrew Castle…

Andrew Castle – Famously, the women from GMTV have been beyond dreadful at Strictly Come Dancing in the past, so this year it’s down to Andrew Castle to claw back some respect for the team? Who’s Andrew Castle? Why, he’s the GMTV host who’s wooden and sort of in love with himself, of course. The general consensus was that Andrew Castle would be the embarrassing dad of Strictly Come Dancing this year, and we’d love to be able to confirm or deny that for you, but we can’t. We’re afraid that Andrew’s Strictly Come Dancing partner was wearing about four scraps of spangly clingfilm during the routine and we went blind about 10 seconds in. Sorry. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Next week – the Strictly Come Dancing ladies! Wheeee!