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Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse Also Did It With A Snapper, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Hey, are you sick of being forced to think of Amy Winehouse’s grisly genitals in action yet? Yeah, us too.

But come on. Take a deep breath, hunker down for the next couple of minutes and we’ll all get through this together. It might take some strength of mind and a couple of months of group counselling afterwards, but we’ll be OK. Ready?

Good. Amy Winehouse has apparently been – urg – having sex. With someone who isn’t her husband or that new bloke she’s been dragging around lately. Amy Winehouse has apparently been having sex with – gleurgh – a long-haired American photographer. And it’s all the fault of – huuurrrgh – Kelly Osbourne. If you need us we’ll be puking and crying at the same time in the corner.

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Amy Winehouse’s Dad Wants Her Locked Up In A Mental Home

by Paul Sorrenti

Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived-bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ hospital, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospital was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

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Amy Winehouse Wants Husband To Stay In Jail (And A Divorce)

by Paul Sorrenti

Amy Winehouse is officially the weeks most talked about celebrity. A fairly remarkable feat when you take into consideration that she hasn’t died, escaped death, or so much as flashed a tit to a camera.

Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it?

At the beginning of the week there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’ which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list.

And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant.

No wonder she’s on crack.

Amy Winehouse is officially the weeks most talked about celebrity. A fairly remarkable feat when you take into consideration that she hasn’t died, escaped death, or so much as flashed a tit to a camera. Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it? At the beginning of the week there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’ which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list. And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant. No wonder she’s on crack.
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Amy Winehouse Cautioned For Nutting That Good Samaritan

by Paul Sorrenti

Fuck me pumps! Crack smoking millionaire Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when traveling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

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Amy Winehouse’s New Album Is All Like Super Depressing

by Stuart Heritage

Given everything that she’s been through over the last year or so, you’d expect that Amy Winehouse’s new songs would be pretty bloody miserable.

But get this, they’re not. Rumour has it that Amy Winehouse’s new songs are called things like I Love Moonbeams And Glitter-Monkeys and Boys Make My Heart Go Cock-A-Doodle-Doo! and are all so happy that they could probably be used on a Haribo advert.

Just kidding – Amy Winehouse’s new songs are so depressing that her friends think she’ll kill herself soon. But we had you going, didn’t we? April fool!

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Bryan Adams Writes A Lovely Song To Help Amy Winehouse

by Stuart Heritage

Hardly a day passes without hearing about Amy Winehouse inching towards an inevitable premature death – but finally help is at hand.

Has Amy Winehouse finally realised that her drug addiction is serious and that she has to get urgent help? No. Have Amy’s friends and family staged a dramatic life-altering intervention to finally see sense and show how the damage that she’s doing to herself?

No. But Bryan Adams has written a song that might vaguely make the occasional reference to Amy Winehouse. Amy, consider yourself cured.

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Keith Richards: ‘Amy Winehouse Will Be Dead Soon’

by C J Davies

Sometimes you’ve just got to stop and take stock.

If a Formula One driver tutted and shook his head at you as you sped through a housing estate, for example, you’d probably think it a wise move to step off the accelerator. On a similar note, if Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards – a man who has ingested more drugs than six generations of lab monkeys – told you that you were dabbling in the ol’ excess a bit too much, you’d give serious thought to putting the crackpipe down.

It remains to be seen whether Amy Winehouse will curb her naughty druggy activities, however. Keith Richards, you see, has revealed that – while Amy is the only modern pop star he actually admires – she’ll more than likely be pushing up the daisies before too long unless she gives those narcotics a rest.

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Amy Winehouse Single-Handedly Destroys All Of Africa

by Stuart Heritage

This must be Amy Winehouse’s lucky year – not only has she won five Grammy awards but she’s also single-handedly caused the destruction of an entire continent.

And that’s not just us saying that – the UN says so too, so it must be true.

According to a UN bigwig, every time Amy Winehouse glamorises drug-taking, it helps to fuel the African cocaine trade and recklessly creates corrupt ‘narco-states’. And worse still, Amy Winehouse is becoming a cultural icon in Africa, and those poor people have got problems enough as it is without feeling the need to stagger round their villages in just their bra shouting “My Blakey!” all the time as well.

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Bacteria Makes A Home On Amy Winehouse’s Face

by hecklerspray staff

Looking for a bonanza of entertainment, are you? Then do a Google image search for impetigo. Go ahead and do it now. We’ll wait. Ah, there’s that lovely sound of violent retching we were waiting for. The foamy white ones are our favourites, too.

Sure, we all get to have the thrill of infectious skin disease image searching, but guess who’s out there with real-life infectious skin disease. Amy Winehouse, that’s who. She’s got impetigo on her face. So, yes, there is legitimately, clinically something wrong with her face that doesn’t have to do with the brutal thwomping of drugs and alcohol, or eyeliner wings that look like they’re desperately trying to get her face to take flight. Who knew?

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Amy Winehouse Definitely Didn’t Pervert Any Justice

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from the chronic signs of drug addiction, self-harm and mental instability, Amy Winehouse has probably been most worried about perverting the course of justice lately.

But now she needs to worry no more, because the police have officially decided to take no further action with Amy Winehouse over her supposed role in her husband’s GBH/ perverting the course of justice trial.

Finally Amy Winehouse can relax – and this means she can now hoof down as much crack as she likes without fear of being sent to jail and experiencing any upsetting periods of cold turkey in there. That Amy Winehouse, eh? What a bloody hero.

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