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Amy Winehouse

Blake Will Pay You £20,000 To Make Doherty Bleed. Interested?

by hecklerspray staff

Blake Fielder-Civil, currently serving time in Pentonville prison, has allegedly offered another inmate £20,000 to beat up Pete Doherty, because he’s sure the singer is making love to his irresistibly impetigo wife, Amy Jade Winehouse Fielder-Civil. Twenty grand Blake?! Don’t be so fucking stupid. Hecklerspray will quite happily kick his drug-addled brain out for £3.50. [...]

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Amy Winehouse’s Husband: I’m As Guilty As I Look – Completely

by Paul Sorrenti

Amy Winehouse’s husband, or Blake Fielder-Civil as he’s also known, has changed his plea from guilty to not guilty.

Fielder Civil, 26, has admitted that on 20th June, 2006, he did indeed assault James King.

Obviously it isn’t the James King who does those movie reviews for Radio 1 that we’re referring to as, in the eyes of any judge, assaulting him would be no crime at all.

The James King we speak of is the landlord of Macbeth’s pub in London, and Fielder-Civil has also pleaded guilty to conspiring to pervert the cause of justice by offering James King money in return for him dropping the allegations as well as leaving the country.

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Amy Winehouse: Now Responsible For Educating Toffs

by Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse might look like a scab-covered drug addict on a misery-filled plunge into self-destruction, but really she’s just the new Sir Walter Raleigh.

It’s true – ask anyone from the 1570s what the big news of the day was and they’ll tell you it was Sir Walter Raleigh crawling round Camden on his hands and knees all shitfaced onKetamine with a crazy Marge Simpson wig balanced precariously on top of his head. That’s why Amy Winehouse and Sir Walter Raleigh are so alike.

Oh, and also there’s a Cambridge University English paper asking students to compare Amy Winehouse’s lyrics to As You Came from the Holy Land by Sir Walter Raleigh. Students, here’s a clue – the one that breaks off in the middle to shout “Blakey! My BLAAAAAAAKE!” at nobody in particular probably isn’t Sir Walter Raleigh.

Amy Winehouse might look like a scab-covered drug addict on a misery-filled plunge into self-destruction, but really she's just the new Sir Walter Raleigh. It's true - ask anyone from the 1570s what the big news of the day was and they'll tell you it was Sir Walter Raleigh crawling round Camden on his hands and knees all shitfaced onKetamine with a crazy Marge Simpson wig balanced precariously on top of his head. That's why Amy Winehouse and Sir Walter Raleigh are so alike. Oh, and also there's a Cambridge University English paper asking students to compare Amy Winehouse's lyrics to As You Came from the Holy Land by Sir Walter Raleigh. Students, here's a clue - the one that breaks off in the middle to shout "Blakey! My BLAAAAAAAKE!" at nobody in particular probably isn't Sir Walter Raleigh.
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Amy Winehouse Not Going To Israel, No, No, No

by C J Davies

Not a single millisecond goes by when there isn’t some astonishing new rumour about Amy Winehouse – that she’s taken so many drugs she now sees only in kaleidoscope or that she’s actually a half-human, half-horse hybrid genetically engineered on the planet Mediocrotron and sent to Earth to soundtrack dinner parties everywhere.

The latest gossip flying around? That Amy is being shipped off to Barzilai Medical Centre, Israel – a fresh attempt to wean her off those lovely narcotics by plunging her into a $12,800 course of ”short, intensive and effective treatment”. Presumably involving a room full of people with actual real-life problems yelling “oh, just pull yourself together, you self-obsessed silly bint.”

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Amy Winehouse: The Bone-Headed Vow Renewal

by Stuart Heritage

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone’s generally quite relieved about it, right?

Think again – even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least – in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone's generally quite relieved about it, right? Think again - even though he's probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn't seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows. That's the story, at least - in truth we'd imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it's fairly difficult to pledge 'to have and to hold' when one of them's locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It's the same wedding vows we'd want.
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Amy Winehouse Not Charged For Her Big Crack Video

by Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse is like a bad news magnet at the moment – apparently it’s a magnet that also seems to repel soap.

However, Amy Winehouse has received a rare nugget of good news today – police have confirmed that Amy won’t be charged for that video of her apparently smoking crack like it’s going out of fashion.

What fantastic news! Now that this crack video palaver is out of her hair, all Amy Winehouse has to do is sort out her crumbling marriage, her multimillion-pound divorce, her drug addiction, her self-harming tendencies, her skin disease and literally single other thing regarding her personal and professional life and she’ll be almost completely back on track. Go Amy!

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Pete Doherty/Amy Winehouse Duet A Horrible Possibility

by Stuart Heritage

It’s great that Amy Winehouse has split up with Blake Fielder-Civil – free of her violent drug-addicted convict husband, she can finally move on.

Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty – who’s a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled.

But don’t worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they’d have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.

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Amy Winehouse Arrested For That Crazy Crack Video

by Stuart Heritage

You might want to sit down for this – apparently Amy Winehouse has been known to occasionally take drugs.

We know, we were shocked when we found out, too. But apparently it’s true, because Amy Winehouse was last night arrested and bailed in connection with that secretly-filmed video of her appearing to smoke crack in her flat from earlier this year.

There’s a slim chance that Amy Winehouse could face jail after this arrest, which we’d actually be OK with. Hopefully her incarceration will be timed to coincide with the release of her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That way Blake can start sleeping with a boy who looks like little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders while she’s locked up, to see how she likes it. Revenge is sweet! And quite disturbing to think about!

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Mark Ronson: Amy Winehouse Not Fit To Do James Bond Justice

by Paul Sorrenti

The planned Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson Bond-theme has been cancelled because, according to Ronson, when it comes to her current mental state, Amy can’t find a quantum of solace anywhere.

However, a spokesman for Winehouse has said that this isn’t the case and that the real reason is to do with a clash of interests regarding the development of the song, of which Amy had “other ideas”.

Is Amy telling the truth, or is it Mark? Who knows? As far as that argument goes, it’s probably best to live and let die.

It’s a terrible shame for all things Bond as, when it comes to musical collaborations, nobody does it better than Winehouse and Ronson.

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Amy Winehouse: Now There’s Another Amybanger

by Stuart Heritage

We’ll say this about Amy Winehouse – sure, she might look as if she’s woefully incapacitated by heavy drug use, but she sure can put it around.

After reports emerged that she’s been cheating on incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil with a dull-looking boy and a lank-haired photographer, now it’s claimed that Amy Winehouse has also been secretly sleeping with one of Babyshambles as well.

Don’t worry, though – the good news is that Amy’s new lover isn’t Pete Doherty, sparing us all a mental image so profoundly upsetting that it’d put us off all human contact ever again. But the bad news is that it’s Mik Whitnall, the member of Babyshambles who most closely resembles Bez’s grandfather after three straight months of 24-style interro-torture.

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