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Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse Wants to Solve Your Problems on the Radio

by Matthew Laidlow

You read that right – Amy Winehouse wants to solve your problems on the radio. Even we don’t have to go in to much detail about the potential arse-up that this could bring to the innocent people of London. Granted, there are a few cockney people like the So Solid Crew and Danny Dyer who [...]

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Amy Winehouse’s Mental Hospital Spaz Out Blamed On Ecstasy

by Matthew Laidlow

Yesterday brought the news that Amy Winehouse had decided to take a stroll to the hospital. It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach. Many people have placed bets on her dying before the [...]

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Amy Winehouse in Hospital Due to Medication Flipping Out Inside Her Guts

by hecklerspray staff

Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to a reaction to some super ultra-mysterious medication, so don’t even try to guess what it is.

But this is good news. No really, it is.

This provides science with empirical evidence about the number of cigarettes and mini bottles of booze cardiac muscle can tolerate, plus Amy gets another punch on her hospital card. One more visit and she gets a free colonoscopy with the purchase of a stomach pumping.

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Amy Winehouse Gets To Screech About Blake For 27 More Months

by Stuart Heritage

Would-be criminals can learn a lot from today’s news that Blake Fielder-Civil has been sentenced to 27 months in jail.

Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil’s sentence has shown that you can’t go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can’t try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife’s cash.

Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil’s 27-month jail sentence shows that you’ll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we’ve got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.

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Amy Winehouse Might Die Of The Lurgy Or Something

by Matthew Laidlow

As a 24-year-old, you’d be expected to be at the peak of your physical fitness.

Granted, the occasional boozy day and sly ciggie may do a little bit of harm to you, but so what? Unless you’re a Buddhist, you only live once, so take it all in your stride. If something happens to your temple-like body, modern day medicine can usually extend your knackered life out till around 83.

However some people take exception to this rule and pretty much disintegrate before our very eyes. Amy Winehouse used to be a healthy fit women whose only ghastly features were the tattoos that made her look like some sort of burly transvestite sailor. Heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs. Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who’d have guessed?

As a 24-year-old, you’d be expected to be at the peak of your physical fitness. Granted, the occasional boozy day and sly ciggie may do a little bit of harm to you, but so what? Unless you’re a Buddhist, you only live once, so take it all in your stride. If something happens to your temple-like body, modern day medicine can usually extend your knackered life out till around 83. However some people take exception to this rule and pretty much disintegrate before our very eyes. Amy Winehouse used to be a healthy fit women whose only ghastly features were the tattoos that made her look like some sort of burly transvestite sailor. Heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs. Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who'd have guessed?
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Video: Amy Winehouse Punches Some Gig-Going Touchy-Feely Guy Repeatedly During Song

by Shawn Lindseth

As Amy Winehouse was admitted to the hospital a few weeks back, the whole world waited in the lobby with tears in its eyes and worst case scenarios unavoidably running through its head. Ours included Maury Povich getting scientifically cross-bred with a shark. But then the doctor came out and told us she wasn't dying, [...]

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Amy Winehouse Not Actually That Emphysema-y, It Turns Out

by Stuart Heritage

Believe what you read and you’ll think that Amy Winehouse’s lungs are nothing more than gunk-filled peanut-sized husks that barely work at all.

But that’s all nonsense – even though her father Mitch spent the weekend telling anyone who’ll listen that Amy Winehouse has been struck down with emphysema, it actually turns out that Amy hasn’t so much got emphysema as might get it one day in the future if she doesn’t stop smoking – something that could probably be said for all smokers everywhere.

Curses! Now our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card is all messed up. Quickly, we’ll need a bucket of monkeypox and a dirt-resistant syringe. Stat!

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Amy Winehouse All Emphysemic And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

As Amy Winehouse so memorably put it in her famous hit “They tried to make me go to rehab/ I said ‘wheeze gargle hurrrrrrp.”

That’s right – it appears that hoofing down crack and cigarettes all the time like a stinky old tramp hasn’t done Amy Winehouse’s lungs any good at all. According to her dad Mitch, in fact, Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema – a disease that’ll kill her if she doesn’t quit drugs immediately.

Now, obviously this isn’t news because it’s been discovered that Amy Winehouse is close to death – any fool has been able to see that for the last year or so – but because her contraction of emphysema has helped us complete our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card! Hooray! Now we just have to decide whether we go double or quits with weaponised Marburg. She doesn’t already have that, does she?

As Amy Winehouse so memorably put it in her famous hit "They tried to make me go to rehab/ I said 'wheeze gargle hurrrrrrp." That's right - it appears that hoofing down crack and cigarettes all the time like a stinky old tramp hasn't done Amy Winehouse's lungs any good at all. According to her dad Mitch, in fact, Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema - a disease that'll kill her if she doesn't quit drugs immediately. Now, obviously this isn't news because it's been discovered that Amy Winehouse is close to death - any fool has been able to see that for the last year or so - but because her contraction of emphysema has helped us complete our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card! Hooray! Now we just have to decide whether we go double or quits with weaponised Marburg. She doesn't already have that, does she?
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Amy Winehouse Faints But Is Still Extremely Alive

by Shawn Lindseth

People faint all the time. Amy Winehouse just did. Experts theorize it’s because her body could temporarily no longer sustain consciousness. We’re not doctors or anything, but that sounds about right to us. She was rushed to the hospital either by people that care for her, or by people whose day care, food and houses [...]

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Amy Winehouse May Need To Use New Delivery Service. Allegedly.

by Ian Dransfield

Think of some of the greatest jobs in the world from a purely money-making perspective and ‘Amy Winehouse’s drug dealer’ is sure to pop up near the top of the list. Maybe it would drop below the ranking of something like ‘supermodel massage artist who earns £500 a minute and is in constant demand’ or [...]

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