Articles tagged with: Amy Winehouse
As Amy Winehouse was admitted to the hospital a few weeks back, the whole world waited in the lobby with tears in its eyes and worst case scenarios unavoidably running through its head.
Ours included Maury Povich getting scientifically cross-bred with a shark.
But she eventually escaped that hospital and flew all the way to Glastonbury, where she put on a super-human performance complete with bass lines, drum beats, and several introductions between a fan and her angry fist.
She punched a guy for either touching her boob or her hair, depending on who you ask. We have video.
Believe what you read and you'll think that Amy Winehouse's lungs are nothing more than gunk-filled peanut-sized husks that barely work at all.
But that's all nonsense - even though her father Mitch spent the weekend telling anyone who'll listen that Amy Winehouse has been struck down with emphysema, it actually turns out that Amy hasn't so much got emphysema as might get it one day in the future if she doesn't stop smoking - something that could probably be said for all smokers everywhere.
Curses! Now our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card is all messed up. Quickly, we'll need a bucket of monkeypox and a dirt-resistant syringe. Stat!
As Amy Winehouse so memorably put it in her famous hit "They tried to make me go to rehab/ I said 'wheeze gargle hurrrrrrp."
That's right - it appears that hoofing down crack and cigarettes all the time like a stinky old tramp hasn't done Amy Winehouse's lungs any good at all. According to her dad Mitch, in fact, Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema - a disease that'll kill her if she doesn't quit drugs immediately.
Now, obviously this isn't news because it's been discovered that Amy Winehouse is close to death - any fool has been able to see that for the last year or so - but because her contraction of emphysema has helped us complete our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card! Hooray! Now we just have to decide whether we go double or quits with weaponised Marburg. She doesn't already have that, does she?
People faint all the time. Amy Winehouse just did. Experts theorize it's because her body could temporarily no longer sustain consciousness. We're not doctors or anything, but that sounds about right to us. She was rushed to the hospital either by people that care for her, or by people whose day care, food and houses are all paid for by her career. Reportedly, when coming-to, the only audible thing she said was that she wanted a tattoo and another lump of hair wax to commemorate the occasion. She didn't actually say that. Nobody ever said that.
Think of some of the greatest jobs in the world from a purely money-making perspective and 'Amy Winehouse's drug dealer' is sure to pop up near the top of the list. Maybe it would drop below the ranking of something like 'supermodel massage artist who earns £500 a minute and is in constant demand' or a hecklerspray employee, but all in all it's a role that you certainly wouldn't sniff at. Though there would surely be some form of sniffing involved. And general inhaling. And breaking down of constituent ingredients into something more easily absorbed into the bloodstream. You get the idea. But alas, for two people have been arrested on charges of being the beehived crooner's personal suppliers. The licence to print money may be no more, it would seem.
Blake Fielder-Civil, currently serving time in Pentonville prison, has allegedly offered another inmate £20,000 to beat up Pete Doherty, because he’s sure the singer is making love to his irresistibly impetigo wife, Amy Jade Winehouse Fielder-Civil. Twenty grand Blake?! Don’t be so fucking stupid. Hecklerspray will quite happily kick his drug-addled brain out for £3.50. And this includes the taxi fare and a quick sandwich from Lidl. The Sun reports: “He approached ex- bouncer Richard Lyttle, on remand for murder but since released without charge." Richard, 39, said: “We were sitting in my cell and he said, ‘If you get Doherty for me I’ll give you £20,000.’ He kept saying, ‘Can you arrange it?’ and telling me to get some guys to his house. He knew the address. He said, ‘Amy’s obviously sleeping with him'.†You really think Doherty can muster a hard on, Fielder-Civil? Do you? .
Amy Winehouse’s husband, or Blake Fielder-Civil as he’s also known, has changed his plea from not guilty to guilty. Fielder Civil, 26, has admitted on June 20, 2006, he did indeed assault James King. Obviously, it isn’t the James King who does those movie reviews for Radio 1 that we’re referring to as, in the eyes of any judge, assaulting him would be no crime at all. The James King we speak of is the landlord of Macbeth’s pub in London, and Fielder-Civil has also pleaded guilty to conspiring to pervert the cause of justice by offering James King money in return for him dropping the allegations as well as leaving the country.
Amy Winehouse might look like a scab-covered drug addict on a misery-filled plunge into self-destruction, but really she's just the new Sir Walter Raleigh. It's true - ask anyone from the 1570s what the big news of the day was and they'll tell you it was Sir Walter Raleigh crawling round Camden on his hands and knees all shitfaced on Ketamine with a crazy Marge Simpson wig balanced precariously on top of his head. That's why Amy Winehouse and Sir Walter Raleigh are so alike. Oh, and also there's a Cambridge University English paper asking students to compare Amy Winehouse's lyrics to As You Came from the Holy Land by Sir Walter Raleigh. Students, here's a clue - the one that breaks off in the middle to shout "Blakey! My BLAAAAAAAKE!" at nobody in particular probably isn't Sir Walter Raleigh.
