Posts tagged as:

Amy Winehouse

‘Go To Miami, Amy Winehouse’ Orders Banged-Up Blake

by Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse is in for a cruddy Christmas. Not only is Santa vastly unlikely to give Amy what she needs the most – a slap in the mouth and a decent hairbrush – but now that her husband’s been remanded in custody, she’ll be all alone, too.

But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January – possibly even June – it doesn’t mean that he’s not in love with his wife. That’s why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That’s probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won’t have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.

0 comments Read more >>>

Amy Winehouse Booed By People Who Paid To See Her

by Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse might have to deal with the pressures of drug addiction, self-mutilation and a husband doing chokey for slapping the bloke from the boozer about, but she’ll always have her music.

You see, when Amy Winehouse sings, all her troubles instantly get dissolved by her mellifluous voice and pitch-perfect delivery, and the euphoric reaction from the public is enough to lift Amy high above the mess that is her personal life and help her feel free of her burdens. No, wait, that’s not true – at the opening of her UK tour in Birmingham last night, Amy Winehouse got booed by the crowd for being crap. Luckily, though, Amy Winehouse is a woman of grace and style, and she managed to win the disapproving crowd over by… no, wait, that’s not true either.

What actually happened was that Amy Winehouse promised the entire audience that her husband would beat them all unconscious just as soon as he gets out of prison. You can’t buy class like that.

2 comments Read more >>>

Amy Winehouse’s Hubby Still Banged Up

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn’t in jail for smashing some bloke’s face up.

But he is, and he won’t be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake’s going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it’s looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.

1 comment Read more >>>

Amy Winehouse’s Gaff Raided By The Fuzz

by Stuart Heritage

There are many reasons why people would want to raid Amy Winehouse’s flat – to go on what we guess would be a dead-cert drug bust, for example, or to simply sellotape Amy’s mouth up and give her hair a damn good combing.

As it happens, police did raid Amy Winehouse’s flat last night. However, don’t start thinking that the raid was spectacular or anything, because it really wasn’t. For a start neither Amy Winehouse or her husband Blake Fielder-Civil were in at the time of the raid – so officers didn’t have to fend off any berserko razorblade attacks – plus it seems the raid had something to do with a bunch of people apparently perverting the course of justice, none of whom are Amy Winehouse. Still, it seems a waste to raid Amy Winehouse’s flat and not arrest her for something – surely it’s illegal to resemble the witch from Snow White that closely.

0 comments Read more >>>

Amy Winehouse Destroys Dressing Room With Spaghetti

by Stuart Heritage

Like most female divas, Amy Winehouse likes her dressing room just so – but instead of demanding it to be painted white with a bucket of room temperature Evian on hand, Amy prefers everything to be covered with spaghetti bolognese.

That seemed to be the case at the MTV Europe Video Awards last week in any case. It’s been revealed that Amy Winehouse caused thousands of pounds’ worth of damage to her dressing room by flinging spaghetti around, throwing tables and chairs against the walls and shredding her rug into tiny pieces. Amy Winehouse shocked onlookers at the EMAs by engaging in her terrifying five-minute kicking and screaming outburst, but on reflection that’s probably just because it’s the closest thing that Winehouse has actually got to a decent tune for the last few months.

1 comment Read more >>>

Celebrity Haiku Competition: Amy Winehouse

by C J Davies

Fact: most revivals are bad.

Star Wars. The Happy Mondays. Chris Evan’s career. In fact, take a look at any attempt to bring back a cultural milestone and you’ll notice that the end result is invariably cack-based.

One thing that has long been overdue a resurgence, however, is hecklerspray’s Celebrity Haiku Competition. Okay, okay, so maybe we’re confusing ‘cultural milestone’ with ‘something to do if you’ve got a spare five minutes to tit around on a Monday’, but that’s just semantics.

‘Hold on a second,’ some of you may be screaming. ‘I’m relatively new to hecklerspray. What is this Celebrity Haiku Competition of which you speak? Tell me! Dear Christ, tell me, or else mother won’t get her food parcel thrown down into the basement today.’

Calm yourselves. Details after the jump…

More… Basically, right, Celebrity Haiku Competition (or CHC, as all the cool kids call it, or will assuredly do so one day) does exactly what it says on the tin. Each week we take a topical celebrity story and ask you, dear readers, to compose your very own haiku about it. The winner receives a very special prize.

Two whole packets of Space Raiders crisps.

So, then: if you want to be in with the chance to win a double-set of the finest alien-based budget snacks on the market, simply get your poetry-scribblin’ glands on standby and compose an ode to this week’s story:

Beehive-haired warbler Amy Winehouse has been dropped as the vocalist for the new James Bond film theme song.

All you have to do is remember the golden rule of haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. An example – based on this week’s topic – would look a little something like this:

Girl who sang ‘rehab’

finds herself cast off from new

double-oh seven

Yeah, yeah – that was rubbish. We know. And that’s why we’re giving you the chance to do, like, six million times better. Entries in the comments box below, if you please…

Read More:

Bond Producers Drop Winehouse – Contactmusic

13 comments Read more >>>

Next Entries →