Hey kids, remember back in school when your teacher told you to study hard and reap the rewards?

Well you can pretty much forget that now. Now that we think about it, you can pretty much knock over our desks, pull down our trousers and eat crisp sandwiches for eternity. You see, Amy Winehouse’s dad Mitch wants to dish out batches of mind-numbing heroin to us. Hooray.

Traditionally, the only freebies that you’ll get are from Santa, each other, or – if you’re a work shy freeloader – decades of free living at home. Now we don’t know if Mitch Winehouse is going to ride a sledge like Santa while he hands out his free heroin, but it would be amusing to see Amy Winehouse being mushed along. It would beat a trip to the NHS and being greeted by its moody workers, anyway.

Somehow, Mitch Winehouse has managed to make himself semi-famous for being the father of musical wreck Amy Winehouse. Whenever the press accuses her of being off her nut on drugs, in comes big Mitch to do his best Phil Mitchell impression and call everyone a liar.

During her wonky appearance on Strictly Some Dancing recently, Amy Winehouse did seem to be in a better picture of health. Experts praised her decision to leave Blaaaaake, who was supposedly named as the main reason behind her drugged-up lifestyle. Oh, and her boobs apparently exploded afterwards as well. Like an overfilled balloon, they just popped with fluid seeping everywhere.

Now we don’t know if this is just a crap plug based on his addict daughter’s history, but old Mitch here thinks that anyone who is on heroin should get it for free on the NHS. Mitch is currently doing a documentary on the subject of drugs and visited Switzerland where they currently dish out the drug. He told The Sun:

“They have been prescribing heroin to their addicts for the past 15 years. You can argue that you are rewarding them by giving them heroin for free. But it helps stabilise and maintain them, giving them time to recover. While that’s going on, our communities are safer. They are suffering less. They aren’t being vandalised, robbed and burgled.”

Mitch probably doesn’t realise that the UK has lots of rehab centres and clinics for addicts to kick their habits. Instead of encouraging people to poison their veins with muck that’s cooked up in someone’s shed, the government prefers to get folk clean and back in to work. So quite likely, there won’t be a heroin man driving round in a van with jingly jangly music for people to chase after.

Honestly, why do so called famous folk think they can do stuff when they have power? It’s like asking Bono to save the world or Kate Moss to design clothes for girls.

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Some of you will have gone to V this year, or Reading. Or the Glastonbury one. A few of you might even have been to all of them. You probably had a great time. After all, what’s not to love?

You got those middle management guys staring into the middle distance nonchalantly twirling fire on a rope as if that suddenly makes them at one with the earth. You’ve got loud HR workers chewing their own mouths off in the dance tent. You might even have found yourself in the reggae area, desperately attempting to hold down a gush of puke having mixed a brewski with a marijuana joint. Festival season – it’s just brilliant.

But before you pull your dreads apart and return to civilisation with tales of how great Blur were, or how Dizzee Rascal is totally blowing your mind right now, take a deep breath and scroll through our top five list of the greatest live performers ever. Prepare to be amazed…1. Ian Brown

A humble northern gentleman, Ian Brown likes to let the music breathe. Hence, the intros to songs tend to swirl around teasingly for at least seven or eight minutes, as he strolls back and forth across the stage, counting the beats to check that he comes in at just the right moment. And when he does, the sweetness of his vocals – which sound almost exactly the same as getting told off by a tired bus driver – somehow drown out the rest of the music. It’s like being underwater, and hearing the sound of dolphins. Brain damaged, slow motion dolphins.

2. Amy Winehouse

These days, with all your Twitters and Face Face, it’s important that an artist interacts with his/her fans. They need to make these screaming maniacs feel that they’re part of the show at a live gig. Bono does this by wandering through the crowds, randomly licking people’s faces to make them feel special. But no one can quite beat the Amy Winehouse method, which simply involves a couple of deft jabs with the elbow, then a full lunge with a closed fist. Preferably into a teenage girl’s smiling happy face.

3. Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan famously angered his loyal following when he stopped playing the guitar-plus-drum-on-back-plus-symbols-on-knees instrument, instead hiring actual musicians to play the bits that he had once done himself. The upside of this was that the music bit sounded much better live. The downside was that without a one-man-band to marvel at, the audience was forced to listen to his singing voice properly for the very first time. The results of this were not good.

4. Wu Tang Clan

Rap music at its most lethal can be a thrilling experience. But, then, on other occasions, it can look like a dozen men lolloping around on stage with towels covering their faces, all grunting slightly out of time. It was a common problem for the teenage hardcore grime crew, Blazin Squad, and it even effects old timers like the Wu-Tang Clan. Thankfully in the above clip they’re performing in Paris, so no one in the audience will really understand what’s going on.

5. The Beatles

From about 1966 onwards, The Beatles became exclusively a studio band, which meant that audiences around the planet were robbed of their blistering live shows. Shows that could often include Paul McCartney half-heartedly inviting a very reluctant George Harrison to sing a song, before all groaning wearily into their individual microphones in unison. Like the Wu Tang, the above clip is totally forgivable, as they were in Japan at the time.

This was a guest blog by Josh from Interestment, and jolly good it is too.

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For you see, the recently (the other year) died-but-didn’t Amy Winehouse has been haunted by the ghost of the recently (the other month) died-but-did Michael Jackson.

But why did Jackson visit her, of all people? Why, to warn her of the dangers of drugs, obviously.

It would seem his spirit learned faster than his body did.

Following on from the life-changing news that Amy Winehouse (”nearly”) died in her ex-husband’s arms we were all fooled into believing it was Blake Fielder-Civil’s advice that weaned her off the smackjuice.

How foolish we were to believe such a half-plausible thought.

No, it was actually Winehouse’s visit to a spirit medium during her self-imposed exile in the Caribbean that prompted her to really kick the habit.

According to a friend – the most reliable of sources, as we all know – and reported through the paper-we-didn’t-even-realise-was-still-going The People:

“She heard Michael’s voice telling her if she didn’t sort herself out she’d lose everything.”

Good advice from the deceased King of Pop, no doubt, but it does raise a couple of issues.

Firstly – Michael Jackson only died last month, and Amy Winehouse was away trying to sort herself for about a year. What this means is she was most likely doing a very poor job, having to not only wait until someone famous died, but also that they chose to come to her and instruct her to stop being a prat.

Secondly – it would seem like a bit of confusion from both parties in assuming an addiction to heroin and crack is the same as (an alleged) one to prescription painkillers. One is the result of psychological issues brought about by a physically and mentally scarring event in earlier life, whereas the other is the behaviour of a massive wanker. We’ll let you decide which is which.

It’s hard to actually accept this as anything but the insane ramblings of a few morons wanting to fill column inches (hello!), and some may argue that the world of spirits, mediums and hocus pocus is nothing but nonsensical garbage. Again though, we’ll let you decide what to think about Amy Winehouse’s St Lucian adventure.

Nevertheless, it’s good to see the ghost of Jacko taking up a role in public speaking – we reckon he’ll really be able to heal the world from beyond the grave.

The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

Though, to be fair, it’s not so astonishing when you factor in that he’s a massive druggy, she’s a massive druggy (or at least was) and the combination of druggy plus druggy usually equals nearly dying.

Romanticise the notion, use fruity language of love, be so utterly frank about how scared you were and net a few grand from The Sun (as well as your ex-wife) in the process if you so choose. Thing is, you’re still just a couple of junkies ODing in a grotty room.

He described the situation thusly to the paper:

“She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit. I was panicking. I didn’t know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well – and was sobbing and crying out: ‘Amy!’”

Blake Fielder-Civil – the caring man’s smackfiend – went on:

“I knelt over her as she kept fitting. But then suddenly she just passed out and stopped breathing.”

Fortunately (depending on how you feel about Winehouse), Blake was just about capable to put Amy in the recovery position, make sure she didn’t swallow her tongue and some other stuff that stopped her from dying – all while high. What a hero to us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, our new superhero: Smackman.

Not content with being a caring addict-cum-Smackman, Blaaaaaaaake went on to try and turn Amy off the horse following the incident:

“She had everything going for her. But she ended up behaving badly just to shock. After a while that just becomes a bore. I’d warned her to stop.”

Yep, that’s exactly how we’d describe heroin: boring. His speech was such a rousing success that she had to run off to the Caribbean for a year to get clean. Well done all!

Though maybe Amy Winehouse could have warned him to stop wearing such shit hats to return the favour.

So, it’s over. Amy Winehouse and Blake Incarcerated Fielder-Civil have been granted a divorce, meaning, hopefully, Amy now has enough gruesome, emotionally tortured experiences to turn into material for a cracking new album.

However, that naughty Blake Fielder-Civil is apparently claiming that since his utter swinefulness was what inspired Amy Winehouse’s huge album Back To Black in the first place, he should be due a few pounds. Six million of them, if you believe “reports”.

You see, Back To Black was written and recorded after Amy and Blake’s first split, which occured because Blake had cheated on Amy with his ex-girlfriend. So what Blake’s saying, basically, is that the album wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for his decision to throw his cock up up another woman.

I’m sure I’m not alone in hoping that Blake’s slightly cheeky claim is successful. Why, I’ve lost count of the number of girlfriends I’ve had who, following my long and dedicated campaigns of mental torture, have eventually upped, left and used the horrifying experience to propel them on to professional success.

I believe one of my exes is an area manager now, enjoying such benefits as a company car and a pretty sweet dental plan.

I utterly refuse to believe that she would have reached such giddy heights without leaving me. Were we still together she would almost certainly be a perma-weeping, self-esteemless doormat with little to no get-up-and-go. It was the life of misery she saw stretching out before her that motivated her to go to that job conference, and I feel I should at least be due a loan of the company car at a time that is mutually convenient, and/or the odd free scale and polish. But will she listen to reason?

So if Blake Fielder-Civil is successful in his attempt to get a tasty settlement from Amy Winehouse, I’m probably not the only utter git who will be keen to rifle through his stalking box and get back in touch with a few affluent erstwhile other halves.

The chap from Alanis Morrisette’s You Oughta Know must be due a pretty penny by now – judging by the rage he managed to elicit from Alanis it sounded like he was a complete tool. Where are his dollars, huh? Sure, he got his ding-dong sucked in a “theatre”, but that’s no match for cold, hard royalties. Royalties he clearly deserves.

Yes, it’s going to be raining cash on adulterers, psychological bullies and manipulative sociopaths all over the world if Blake Fielder-Civil has his way. Not such good news for Amy and her fans, however – if her next Grammy-winning album details her and Blake’s divorce, she’ll end up owing him a few more million quid.

This was a guest blog by the frankly stupendous Stuart Waterman off of that My Chemical Toilet.

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Are we really that surprised?

Amy Winehouse’s big comeback performance is like a car crash, really. You don’t want to watch, but something makes you curious enough to keep watching. Video after the jump.

Ever since Plain Jane the Superbrain took off her glasses, smeared some slutty red lipstick around her mouth, and rubbed ice cubes on her stupid nipples, the celebrity makeover has been a must for anyone hoping to increase their fame.

For those unaware, the whole Plain Jane thing happened in the Australian drama serial, Neighbours. She went from geek to whore in a matter of moments.

It was astonishing. Completely astonishing. And it got us to thinking about what the greatest celebrity makeovers of all time might be. We narrowed it down to this small bunch.

1. Joaquin Phoenix

In a career spanning almost twenty years, we have become used to Joaquin’s various physical changes – the majority of which have been a result of the natural aging process, and the awkwardness of puberty. Most recently, however, he’s embarked on a road to total gorgeousness by letting his face-pubes run amock. This has resulted in a gentlemanly beard, leaving Phoenix at the forefront of hobo chic. Rumours suggest that he has even been bathing in milk to achieve a sexy Cleopatra level of putrid, sour stink. Hollywood is watching in shocked, silent awe.

2. Amy Winehouse

When she first arrived in the line of public vision, Amy Winehouse was just your everyday jazz singing stage schooler. Her body was almost completely blemish free, and she was around the average weight for a young woman. Exactly, how boring. Thankfully, she, like Phoenix, embarked on a makeover of her own, by covering her body in strange tattoos – usually only seen on the arms of drunk sea dogs, or alarmingly violent men in one of the country’s many jails. And filling her veins and lungs with popular street drugs like heroin and crack. After that the weight completely fell off. She even started her own line in blood-filled ballerina shoes, presumably aimed at kids. Bloody work horse.

3. Claire from Steps

Like Winehouse, when Claire from Steps was actually in Steps, she looked like every other girl walking down every single street on the entire planet – blonde, sparkly, very beautiful. Hence she went about her makeover by plopping herself down on an exercise couch and stuffing great big handfuls of McDonalds into her greedy mouth, using both of her arms – which, by the way, were becoming considerably weaker with every passing day. After months of hard work, the makeover was complete, and she was a big fat blob. A massive wobbly-bottomed jelly-woman. Great look, Claire. But did H follow suit? H did not. Jesus, H. Christ.

4. Robbie Williams

Probably the most fascinating of the makeovers, Williams focussed the majority of his attention on having a personality makeover. This involved lots of personal work, lots of staring angrily into a mirror. Lots of shouting to the heavens to send him more money, more success, more women. It involved talking endlessly to anyone who would listen about his every waking emotion, each individual thought delivered as though it were caked in finest platinum.  He even spoke a little bit about aliens, before going back to discussing himself again. Makeover complete, he is now a total cretin.

For more from Josh go and have a look at Interestment.co.uk

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Look at you. Are those plimsolls? Actual plimsolls? Are they ironic plimsolls? Or just normal plimsolls?

Are you poor? Or just pretending? Think before you answer, because should they be anything but ironic, and society – cool society, where people like Pixie Geldof and Henry Holland live – will turn its back on you.

It’s a cruel, unforgiving place – society. It dictates that grown adults should peacock about town with their skinny jeans damn-near squashing their balls, and everyone actually seems to like Lady Ga Ga. And Lady Ga Ga is a total cretin, by the way. But they buy her singles with their iTunes for their iPods. They love her. They also like stonewashed jeans.

With survival in mind, here are four things you should at least claim to like, unless you fancy getting completely ostracised by your so-called friends:

1. The Wire

No one honestly likes The Wire. How could they? It’s written by a man whose mind is so complex and crammed with information that it would take a million Rubix Cube experts to figure out what he’s trying to say at any given moment. With most television programmes, you could safely take a five minute phone call without missing out on too much, but should you so much as yawn at the wrong moment, and you’d have to rewatch The Wire from the start. Even so, society dictates that you adore this show, so if you find yourself caught in the middle of a Wire storm, just start nodding and repeating the words “Bubbles” and “Omar” on loop until everyone shuts the hell up.

2. Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse is an intriguing human being, with her angry sailor tatts and drug habit. Her hairstyle can be quite fascinating too. All of which masks the fact that she really is quite atrocious at singing. A cockney guttersnipe by day, when she opens her mouth, she does a high-volume nasal impression of Billie Holiday, which is so forced as to be borderline offensive, like when Jim Davidson decides to do an impression of a West Indian. That said, society thinks that this girl has got the lot, so for Christ’s sake, just agree with them. The alternative would be to have all of your friends hate you.

3. Slumdog Millionaire

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, he wins at the end and gets the girl. And before you start freaking out because you were waiting for the Director’s Cut to come out, take a moment to accept that you already knew that. You knew that because it’s obvious. Really really obvious. Which isn’t a bad thing. Many films have an obvious outcome. No, the thing that makes this so unbearable is that it’s exactly the kind of film that the pipe smoking women who dictate what we should watch build up to such an extent that when you eventually see it you’re expecting a life-changing experience, and yet you leave the cinema feeling just as emotionally crippled as you were when you went in. That’s not fair. Still, pretend to like it, if you know what’s good for you.

For more “observations”, why not visit Interestment.co.uk

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9 – Watch this video. Pause it at the 15 second mark. Try and predict what happens next. You will fail – I Am Bored

8 - Here’s a list of all the reasons why Eminem’s comeback witll fail – Independent

7 - Because it’s been vaguely sunny for about 30 seconds, here’s a recipe for a kickass Strawberry Daiquiri – Domesticsluttery

6 - Looks like Amy Winehouse is officially rubbish now – Welt

5 – Here’s a song that was banned from Family Guy, which you might enjoy if you like Family Guy – EJB

4 – DRUNK GORILLA! – Dailymail

3 - Some videogame characters with undiagnosed medical conditions – Cracked

2 - 12 photos of hateful drunkards – Sloshspot

1 - Just to ease your redesign anxiety, here’s something timeless – Lindsay Lohan acting like a knob…

9 - Colombia realises that Iron Maiden are terrible, has a little riot about it – Colombiareports

8 - A sunglass launch at a department store doubles nicely as a ’spot the bastard’ contest – Holymoly

7 - Well, hey, turns out that some child prodigies don’t end up killing themselves because of all the pressure their parents put them under after all – Mentalfloss

6 - The stupidest children in the world – I Am Bored

5 - Videogame characters that look like sex offenders! Yay! – Destructoid

4 - Hey America, we’re almost as fat as you now. EAT FASTER! – Independent

3 – Amy Winehouse can’t get into America. For some reason – Popsugar

2 – This is doing our octopus phobia no good. No good at all – YouTube

1 - This is easily, easily better than the actual Watchmen movie…

Or, at a push, degenerative skin conditions. But, no, we shouldn’t toy with you – after all, stories about Amy Winehouse’s degenerative skin conditions are a rare and valuable delicacy, much like scabby truffles. Actually, this is a violence-based Amy Winehouse story – she’s been charged with assault after allegedly punching a dancer in the face.

Upon hearing this news, Chris Brown is thought to have exclaimed “Punched someone in the face, eh?” before developing a visible erection and politely excusing himself.

It’s been a while since we heard from Amy Winehouse – or perhaps it’s us who’ve been ignoring her, since glancing at a picture of Amy Winehouse’s face for even a second is thought to be the closest a human being can ever come to confronting the finality of death.

But, in summary, Amy Winehouse has been to St Lucia to quit drugs, started crawling round on her hands and knees like a pub dog, played topless boardgames on the beach with a series of inexplicably nauseous opponents and gained some freckles that may or may not actually be the splattered blood of her fallen enemies.

Oh, and she might have punched a dancer in the head as well. Because Amy Winehouse has just been charged with assault. The Sun reports:

The troubled singer will appear in court later this month accused of hitting dancer Sherene Flash, who had asked for a photo. The incident took place at the end of summer ball at Berkeley Square. Amy reportedly agreed but lashed out when the woman asked if her friend could pose for a picture, striking her in the arm and face. After the alleged incident, Amy ran away screaming: “Life can’t go on. I can’t do this anymore.”

That’s the thing about disturbingly wayward drug addicts, they’re not specific enough. When Amy Winehouse said “I can’t do this anymore,” did she mean life? Fame? Substance abuse? Or did she mean she can’t allegedly lose her temper and arbitrarily start punching dancers in the face anymore? Because if that is what she meant, that’d probably count as remorse and her sentence could be halved as a result.

But, heh, wouldn’t it be ironic if Amy Winehouse got sent to jail right after her husband Blake was released from jail? No, hang on, ‘ironic’ was the wrong word. What we meant to say was ‘wouldn’t it be a tragic reminder of the effects of hard drugs on otherwise responsibility-free young adults if Amy Winehouse got sent to jail right after her husband Blake was released from jail?’ And the answer to that, obviously, would be ‘yes’.

As for a punishment, we’re going to avoid the obvious and refrain from saying that Amy Winehouse and Chris Brown should be locked in a cage until only one can walk out. Not because it’s a cheap shot or anything, but because we’ve determined that people as allegedly violent as Chris Brown and Amy Winehouse would collide with the force of two CERN particles, instantly destroy each other and create a black hole within the fabric of time and space into which we’d all be sucked.

Science can prove that, too, we think you’ll find.

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To add insult to injury, according to reports, Amy Winehouse has been barred from spending her own (remaining) cash, unless she has the explicit permission of her father Mitch or her mum Janis.

This has so many echoes of a post-head-shave Britney Spears. The only saving grace is that our beloved Wino is not a mother and is pretty good at remembering her underwear.
One can assume that there is some sort of witchery afoot keeping Amy Winehouse alive. If crack were sweets, she would still have ingested enough of the good stuff to make her quite marvellously unhealthy.

Try it, just try living on chocolate alone and see how unhealthy you are, say, three years later. You’d be lardy and as unhealthy as you had ever been. How then is it that five-foot nothing Wino, who weighs less than her own weave can ingest her body-weight in narcotics and look somewhat healthy?

Her fans seem to be jumping the gun slightly, trumpeting her healthy new looks and saying how utterly fabulous the Back To Black singer appears, thanks to her sunny hols – but since when is a holiday a cure for the cracky blues? Rehab, lock downs, heck even deep-tissue massages can all help get this woman back into good health. But, really, since when did getting your tan on, on the beach, count as drug therapy?

Anyhoo, Since Daddy Wino is in the picture as much as he is, maybe he should hit up Daddy Spears for some advice.

If the below is true, then Wino’s £15million earnings are already under the control of her parents – so it’s not much of a leap to put some form of long-lasting ‘conservatorship’ into place, until she sorts her life out.

According to reports from The Mirror:

A friend said: “Mitch convinced Amy she needs a safety valve for the money for her own good – to stop her doing anything rash or daft. She can be very impetuous and the family wanted to protect her. She cannot make a sudden decision. Her dad was also worried she might be tempted to go back to Blake – and put him in charge. That is now impossible. This would never have happened before, certainly not when she was with Blake. It’s her money and nobody else can touch it. But she can’t do anything stupid.”

Whether or not this will work and save Amy Winehouse from herself remains to be seen.

This woman, after all, was on such a downward spiral that less then 12-months ago that national press outlets admitted they had written her obituary because they assumed the worst about her fate.

Here’s to Amy’s wealth, health and to the hope that she may be put into a more suitable and lengthy rehabilitation programme in the near future.

This has been a guest blog by the ever-wonderful Amy Grindhouse. You may visit her at Amygrindhouse.com, then return and thank us.

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And, as everyone knows, drug addicts are allergic to bikinis. Or something. Anyway, the important thing is that Amy Winehouse is off the drugs. And as a normally-functioning member of normal society, Amy Winehouse has decided to concentrate on business. Specifically the business of spending a million quid on trying to make her 12-year-old goddaughter as famous as she is.

Once again, we’d just like to point out that Amy Winehouse is off the drugs. Apparently.

Money can buy you many things, although it seems that self-awareness isn’t one of those things. And for proof of that, you don’t need to look any further than Amy Winehouse.

You’d have to be a sensory-deprived woodlouse not to see all the crap that Amy Winehouse has been through over the last couple of years – there have been drug overdoses, aborted attempts at rehab, spousal imprisonment, chronic lung diseases, alleged piles of crack big enough to see from the moon, supposed infidelities with men who look like junior members of the EastEnders cast and – of course – punching men in the face in front of an audience of millions.

So, now that being famous has sent Amy Winehouse into a sort of death spiral of personal misery, creative near-ruin and life-threatening substance abuse, it only makes sense for her to spend a vast chunk of her fortune on giving a 12-year-old girl a taste of the exact same thing.

As the News Of The World reports, Amy Winehouse has just blown a million quid setting up a record label so that her 12-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield can release an album. Worse still, she’s roping in that crying boy with the pickled onion face from X Factor as well:

The recovering drug addict is spending a whopping £1 million to launch her own record company. She’s named the business Lioness and has already made her first signing — her uber-talented 12-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield. Amy is so confident that Dionne has what it takes to become Britain’s next pop sensation she’s teamed her up with US star Lady Gaga, soul singer Lemar and X Factor finalist Eoghan Quigg to record duets.

Look, we know that it seems a bit weird for Amy Winehouse to want to drag her goddaughter through the same harrowing process that ruined her own life, but there’s no cause for concern. Remember that Dionne Bromfield is only 12 years old, and she’ll be surrounded by the very best, most nurturing support team that money can buy to ensure that she doesn’t fall into the same trap. That team includes Amy Winehouse and… oh good christ no! Someone stop her! Stop her now!

Actually, you know what? Amy Winehouse is wasting her money here. If Dionne Bromfild really wants to become the new Amy Winehouse, she doesn’t need a million-pound record label. She just needs a couple of razorblades, a pointless boyfriend in a shit hat and a binbag full of human hair. Bingo – job done.

Read more:

Amy’s £1 Million Wine Label – NOTW

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The only person who’ll eat ‘em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that’s one uncle you don’t want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there’s only one thing we want to talk about – the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache.

Back to marriage though – good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you’re husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse’s marriage – at least according to the man who’s moving to divorce her.

If Amy Winehouse’s future song titles continue to be as ironic as her Rehab tune, then its a safe bet her next album will contain titles like Hey, I think I just smelled myself, I’m thinking about firing the literal squirrels that generally style my hair, and Blake & I are still over the moon.

If her songs take a more realistic turn then we’ll just hear her sing all about how Blake Fielder-Civil is moving forward with a divorce filing. Because he is, apparently. And just as well too – once his marriage is broken and shattered he’d be free to love his six-foot tall white-collar crime cell mate in a much more guilt free manner. Even in jail cheating is seriously frowned upon, you know.

Well that’s what we heard – but the Blake/Amy divorce actually has nothing to do with Blake cuddling the man that bought him for two pieces of bacon and a lit cigarette. How could it? That never happened! No – the divorce Blake is currently craving has much more to do with his wife bumpin’ uglies with a series of surprisingly lice-less men. Or maybe just one man. We haven’t ever counted.

But as the Associated Press puts it:

“A lawyer for Amy Winehouse’s jailed husband said Monday his client will be seeking a divorce on the grounds of the soul diva’s alleged infidelity. Attorney Henri Brandman said he had been instructed by Blake Fielder-Civil “to commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of Amy’s adultery.”"

Now don’t you fret if you feel personally invested in the Fielder-Civil/Winehouse marriage – just because Blake told his lawyer to get things started doesn’t mean the divorce will ever actually be properly pushed forward. After all – Blake is currently in jail.

Just you think about that for a minute.

If you’re still crying about the whole thing, might we suggest you go back to a happier time. Try this last Christmas, for instance, when you came downstairs and found Winehouse’s boobies in your stocking or something.

Yes, yes we seem to remember reading that headline.

Perhaps it was worded differently.

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Thanks to you, someone’s taken a load of photos of Amy Winehouse topless on holiday and spread them across the internet like some sort of obscene dirty protest.

However, the good news is that Amy Winehouse looks less like the emaciated hollow-eyed wreck we’ve all seen in the papers for the last 18 months and more like an actual human. The bad news is that they’re pictures of Amy Winehouse topless. How much worse do you want? Jesus.

You might have thought that, since we haven’t really mentioned her for a couple of months, Amy Winehouse is back on the mend again. That’s not completely true – since her husband got released from jail she’s apparently been starting divorce proceedings while being treated for any one of her 4,000 illnesses – but the thought of discussing Amy Winehouse more than we absolutely have to makes us want to gas ourselves in an oven. That’s why we decided that we’re only going to talk about Amy Winehouse whenever she does something of hugely important global consequence.

Like, for example, Amy Winehouse going topless on a beach. That is important, isn’t it? Anyone? Hello?

Oh, screw you all. Look, Amy Winehouse was been photographed completely topless on a beach during a holiday in St Lucia. And it’s important not just because of stupid titillation, but because it provides concrete evidence that Amy Winehouse’s cadaverous ribcage doesn’t only contain the screaming souls of her prey like the Ghost Of Christmas Past in Scrooged.

Also, you can totally see Amy Winehouse’s nipples. Or at least we assume you can – thanks to a mixture of decency and unstoppable nausea we haven’t quite worked up the courage to look at the uncensored photos. Anyway, News Of The World reports:

Unless I’m very much mistaken the Rehab star, who has battled drugs, was sporting a very healthy looking tum. One onlooker told me: “Amy just whipped off her top and dived in to the sea without a care in the world. She was looking a better than she has for a while. A bit of sun is just what she needs.”

That’s it? The only thing that Amy Winehouse needed to make her better was a bit of sun on her tits? At least that explains why she went so mental last time someone tried to put her in rehab – the only thing Amy Winehouse was going to get on her tits on an island in the North Sea was four layers of goosebumps and the occasional dollop of ice-cold seagull turd.

In fact, the more we think about this ‘a bit of sun is just what she needs’ theory, the more we can see the logic in it. That’s why we propose that someone packs Amy Winehouse into a tiny little rocket and catapults her directly into the middle of the solar system as soon as possible. She’ll be much better after that.

Also we won’t have to keep doing our best to avoid pictures of Amy Winehouse topless all the time. It’s literally a win-win.

Read more:

Naked Amy-bition - News Of The World

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