Queen Bee of the America’s Next Top Model Bitches, Tyra Banks, can smile with her eyeballs. Now, she’s winking with her pelvic floor muscles as she begins a period in her life which is completely condomless. What? She’s trying to catch a sexually transmitted disease?!

Don’t be silly. Obviously, she’s trying to get pregnant because she’s reached that stage of her life when she feels like she’s got absolutely nothing to offer the world other than identical pictures of a baby coughing up mashed-up swede through it’s crusty little nose holes.

Imagine Tyra’s mothering skills! *shudder*

For some inexplicable reason, CNN are still showing ‘Piers Morgan Tonight’ as the network still hasn’t worked out that this pudding faced git box has about as much charisma as a pan lid. It was on his show that Smizer decided to tell the world that her legs where very much open all hours at the moment in her and her boyfriend (some twit called John Utendahl) are desperate to get a child stuffed up their like a clergyman, quivering in a priest hole.

As proof, here are some of the words she said:

“I definitely want babies”

See? That’s absolutely conclusive.

Piers Morgan went deeper down the rabbit hole and asked if she was trying. Tyra coyly replied:

“Yeah, maybe.”

SEE?! She’s DEFINITELY having a baby! She’s probably got a dozen or so growing inside a special back-pouch as we speak!

But she’s not going to bother getting married before she has a chile, mainly because marriage is a wholly useless, old-fashioned construct for people who simply can’t wrestle free from pointless superstition and routine. Or, in the words of Banks

“I don’t think it’s necessarily necessary.”

Whatever.

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Does anybody still watch America’s Next Top Model? No? Fine, whatevs. Unbelievably there was a time when watching 12 underweight, malnourished and grossly over-confident girls harp on about who “wants it” more was compulsive viewing.

Well, compulsive viewing for people with too much time on their hands that is. Normal people would find it more entertaining and fulfilling to throw some tramps under Waterloo bridge a few crusts of bread and watch them wrestle for it.

Alas, ANTM is just as embarrassingly addictive and chock full’o pricks as X-Factor and The Apprentice but if you thought Simon Cowell and Lord Suralan were obsessed with making their respective shows all about them, you’ve clearly never encountered the narcissistic world of Tyra “MEMEMEMEMEMEME” Banks.

D’you know what happens when a extremely beautiful person seems to only exist to tell you how beautiful they are? Well, apart from wanting to tear your own jaw off and throw it at them, the words soon begin to lose all meaning. The same can be said for Ms Banks who’s so obsessed with telling us how successful she was that no-one believes her anymore.

Despite all that ANTM is still a perfect way to waste an hour right behind gnawing your own arm off and this series is no different. We’ve got the plus size girl who says she’ll fight to get into the industry, only to collapse in tears when she realises nothing fits. There’s the one who won’t stop crying because she misses her child. The one who defied her God-fearing parents by getting knocked up before she was legal and thinking that getting married makes it all OK. So basically it’s the same as always but that’s what makes it so great.

This week, the girls were asked to create chemistry with their ‘noted’ fashion photographer Nigel Barker in preparation for a photoshoot with a fat and unfunny comedian.

Admittedly these ladies are quite young but we’re unsure whether saying “let’s get naked” is the best way to create chemistry. A sexual assault yes, but not chemistry. The main photoshoot was shot in NYC’s infamous Canal Street, the go to location for designer knock-offs faker than Tyra’s ponytail.

The objective was to work with the ridiculous styling to sell the clothes. Need a visual? Imagine what Mr Blobby would look like if he slimmed down, draped himself in Claire’s Accessories and stole Rod Stewart’s barnet from 1976.

Apparently that’s “high fashion”.

Anywhoo, Tatianna couldn’t do it and was sent home. The preview of next week promises to show us something we’ve never seen; loud black women arguing.

CAN’T WAIT.

It’s not news that someone from America’s Next Top Model is a rapist – we feel spiritually violated whenever we watch it.

But Anand Jon Alexander? Turns out he’s an actual rapist. Yesterday afternoon Anand Jon Alexander, who’d previously featured on America’s Next Top Model as a fashion designer, was sentenced to between 59 years and life in jail for sexually assaulting seven girls as young as 14.

Anand Jon Alexander might get the last laugh, however. Word is that never seeing sunlight, crapping into a metal bucket and being repeatedly stabbed by a paranoid schizophrenic murderer is so Fall 2009. That’ll teach us.

It takes a lot to appear on America’s Next Top Model and come off as even more desperately unpleasant than Tyra Banks but, by jove, it looks like Anand Jon Alexander has gone and done it. To be fair, it took a lot of effort – he had to absolutely destroy the lives of several young women to get there – but that shouldn’t detract from the glory of his prize, which happens to involve spending the rest of his natural life in prison.

You may remember that Newsweek magazine once named Anand Jon Alexander as one of the top faces to watch in 2007. At the time it looked as though you had to watch his face because of his burgeoning fashion line and promising media career, although in retrospect it was probably because if you didn’t watch his face very closely he’d sneak up behind you in an opportunistic effort to rape you stupid.

Anand Jon Alexander was first arrested for rape in March 2007, and he was eventually indicted for a staggering 59 counts before finally being convicted in November of 16 counts of rape, sexual assault and other crimes. But before he was sentenced to between 59 years and life in jail yesterday, Anand Jon Alexander realised that – although he’d buttoned down his reputation as a fairly prolific rapist – he hadn’t quite nailed the paranoid conspiracy theorist persona that he’d been slaving over. Luckily, as the Los Angeles Times points out, he got there just in the nick of time:

Alexander argued that he had not received a fair trial because a juror inappropriately contacted his sister during trial, prosecutors withheld evidence and his attorneys, whom he fired in July, were ineffective in presenting his case. “You have not convinced me that there’s a conspiracy, all right?” [Judge] Wesley said when Alexander continued arguing after his motion had been denied.

So that’s that. At least it’s given Anand Jon Alexander an especially long time to work on his Sping 2068 collection. Unless, obviously, he’s found guilty of similar charges in New York and Texas, in which case his sentence will be lengthened accordingly. And that’d be a nightmare – those silver mechanical leggings that would be seen all over Paris and Milan in 2068 would be wildly passe by 2094 or whenever he ends up being released. He’d be a laughing stock. A total laughing stock.

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America’s Next Top Model is known for two things – delaying the credits for a full sixty minutes even though nothing seems to be happening, and sometimes ripping off that 24 show.

Surely that last bit confused you – we’re talking about the various bomb configurations Top Model management always forces their contestants to run from. As we understand it, this is an excellent way to tell if they’re still photogenic while they think they’re going to die.

Take their recent bomb scare, for instance – it happened at a casting call, and let us tell you – most of those girls seemed very un-poised.

America’s Next Top Model has a very special season planned. No, no – they’re not going to give another poor contestant a super expensive sex change. That’s been done. This season they’re gonna focus on girls who aren’t freakishly tall and long in the face. This decision, giving hope to normal-heighted stupid girls all over the world,  brought scores of them to New York City for a chance to audition for a spot on the show.

One of the girls isn’t stupid though – she brought a bomb with her. And as we understand it she was going to use said bomb if her audition didn’t go just right. That’s not true at all.

There was a big bomb scare though – it sent women full throttle in the opposite direction. The Daily Express has the scoop:

“Chaos broke out when people shouted “fire” and “there’s a bomb” as a car billowing smoke pulled up alongside the contestants, according to witnesses. The panic escalated when a man leapt from a car and began grabbing the women’s handbags…. The street outside the auditions in Manhattan, New York, was left littered with chairs and sleeping bags as the screaming women fled from the area. Kiara McCarthy, caught up in the stampede, said: “The metal barricade fell down. All of a sudden we heard this roar from behind us and there’s a wave of people falling on top of us.”"

The car was just overheating – but that didn’t stop the stampede. Later, NYPD officers tried to round the women back up with sheep dogs and rope, but they were still too spooked.

Most of the billowing women eventually gathered around a pond in Central Park, probably because all that running left them dehydrated and they needed something to lap up.

Anyway – want to see the Top Model madness for yourself?

Why, of course you do:

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What would America's Next Top Model be like if a gang of dim-looking skinny idiots didn't screech "Tyra mail!" every 3.2 seconds?

We might soon find out, because word from America's Top Model is that Tyra Banks is getting on so badly with photoshoot coordinator Jay Manuel that she's threatening to quit the show. But is there anyone else who can say "you're still in the running to become America's Next Top Model," with Tyra Banks' utter lack of feeling or expression?

Obviously when we said "we might soon find out," we didn't mean us specifically. We wouldn't be caught dead watching America's Next Top Model. Ahem. 

Oh, who are we kidding? We watch America's Next Top Model all the time. And when we're not watching America's Next Top Model we're thinking about America's Next Top Model. And when we're not thinking about America's Next Top Model it's because we're deliberately vomiting our meals back up so we can look like America's Next Top Model.

And the reason why we literally – yes, literally – can't stop watching America's Next Top Model is Tyra Banks. That's because nothing Tyra Banks ever says or does comes within a million miles of making sense. She just sort of rolls in at the end of each episode looking like the twinkliest button in the box, hands out complicated modelling advice via a series of inexplicably abstract facial expressions, hugs some people like an autistic germaphobe and then bibbles off home again.

No wonder that guy tried to stalk Tyra Banks – he was probably trying to absorb some of her freakish oddness.

But now it seems as if America's Next Top Model might have to go on without Tyra Banks. According to rumours, Tyra Banks keeps falling out with photoshoot coordinator Jay Manuel – who we think is the fearsomely camp chap who takes two pictures of each model a week while screaming things like "Angles!" and "Really find the expression in that chin!" at them as if they'd personally offended him – and now she might leave. OK! reports:

“Tyra Banks is not getting along with Jay Manuel,” an insider tells OK! “She thinks he has become a diva and is ungrateful to her for making him a star. The way she sees it, it’s thanks to her that he now has a makeup line, a show on Style Network and hosts Canada’s version of Top Model.” So how bad has it gotten? So bad that the 34-year-old supermodel reportedly phones in all her takes for the show now. “Tyra barely interacts with the contestants and only wants to show up on judging day," the source adds."

While we couldn't possibly imagine that a supermodel is capable of being demanding and self-centred, perhaps Tyra Banks really is ready to give up America's Next Top Model. And if that's true then finding a replacement is going to be a near-impossible task Who else will be able to take a job that's broadly based upon genetics and the ability to wear clothes and make it sound even more complicated than advanced paediatric neuroscience to justify their fortune so deftly?

Well, there's always Naomi Campbell. She's got the same amount of supermodelling experience as Tyra Banks, so she's be able to pass off the same amount of invaluable modelling advice. Plus if Jay Manuel ever gives Naomi any shit, he'll be fishing a mobile phone out of his shattered skull before he knows it. 

Read more:

Tyra Banks vs. Jay Manuel? – OK 

The life of a fashion model is one filled with the finest linens, using three spoons per meal and luxury supersonic jets whisking them away to the closest reaches of outer space.

Sometimes it also includes seeing cement walls, and being comforted with the knowledge your fist could slide right through it given the chance. Remember when Naomi Campbell did that? Did she do that? Honestly – the walk-enhancing steroids they probably all take have a massive temperamental side effect. That's why models are like that.

Campbell's not the only fashion model sometimes mistaken for hurricane Katrina – the up and comers on America's Next Top Model are apparently destructive too. That's precisely why their landlord is currently suing them.

Models are an odd sort. When they're not being tempted to touch the chests of greasy dictators they dress up fat to ask common folk for dates. And when they're not doing that they're bringing turned-on garden hoses indoors to wash the couch – or so recent allegations approximate anyway.

America's Next Top Model is a reality show in which several girls live together, and by coincidence they all walk extremely well. Each of their goals is to harness their walking power and marry a Brady. If they can't do it they have to go home.

Sometimes their goals are to trash their personal residence too. That's what the guy who owned their most recent abode says anyway. More specifically he said:

"I just found three dead donkeys bleeding in the master closet."

He then went on to rant about how it'd only been three days since he'd been there last, and why on Earth would the girls slaughter burros in any room but the kitchen. Actually… yeah, sorry. That quote was from an upcoming story on the younger kid from Mr. Belvedere. Oops.

The quote for this story though, the one with the Top Model girls having indoor slip and slides or something, well E! Online provides this one:

"The pretty ladies and production crew from the latest round of America's Next Top Model are being accused of doing $500,000 worth of damage to the TriBeCa loft where they lived for 10 weeks. (The show has purportedly offered to pony up $125,000.) Some of the alleged atrocities include ketchup and coffee stains on the $20,000 drapes, lipstick on the walls and so much water damage in the bathroom, it has to be tested for mold."

Well now you know. If any reality show ever approaches you and asks if they could please film in your home, say no. Especially if it's Survivor. We heard the next season is gonna start with 16 high-strung germaphobes.

Read More:

America's Next Top Models Trash Tribeca Loft – Gothamist