America's Next Top Model

10 TV Shows That Need To Be Put Out Of Their Misery

September 3rd, 2013 By Rhiannon Davies

The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. ?It doesn’t just apply to having to flush your poor goldfish down the toilet, couch potatoes of ever variety go through the same emotions every time a TV show is cut down in it’s prime.

So why is it that some poor shows are allowed to limp forlornly in to their next season? Main characters having jumped ship long ago, story lines becoming more and more ridiculous, nobody watching them but extras trying to catch a glimpse of themselves. Sometimes the networks need to realise the right time to stop trying to flog that dead horse.

Tyra Banks Is Having Condomless Sex So Start Being Thrilled Or Else

April 11th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Queen Bee of the America’s Next Top Model Bitches, Tyra Banks, can smile with her eyeballs. Now, she’s winking with her pelvic floor muscles as she begins a period in her life which is completely condomless. What? She’s trying to catch a sexually transmitted disease?!

Don’t be silly. Obviously, she’s trying to get pregnant because she’s reached that stage of her life when she feels like she’s got absolutely nothing to offer the world other than identical pictures of a baby coughing up mashed-up swede through it’s crusty little nose holes.

Imagine Tyra’s mothering skills! *shudder*

TV Review: America’s Next Top Model

August 5th, 2012 By Limara Salt

Does anybody still watch America’s Next Top Model? No? Fine, whatevs. Unbelievably there was a time when watching 12 underweight, malnourished and grossly over-confident girls harp on about who “wants it” more was compulsive viewing.

Well, compulsive viewing for people with too much time on their hands that is. Normal people would find it more entertaining and fulfilling to throw some tramps under Waterloo bridge a few crusts of bread and watch them wrestle for it.

Alas, ANTM is just as embarrassingly addictive and chock full’o pricks as X-Factor and The Apprentice but if you thought Simon Cowell and Lord Suralan were obsessed with making their respective shows all about them, you’ve clearly never encountered the narcissistic world of Tyra “MEMEMEMEMEMEME” Banks.

Anand Jon Alexander: Yup, He’s A Rapist Alright

September 1st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s not news that someone from America’s Next Top Model is a rapist – we feel spiritually violated whenever we watch it.

But Anand Jon Alexander? Turns out he’s an actual rapist. Yesterday afternoon Anand Jon Alexander, who’d previously featured on America’s Next Top Model as a fashion designer, was sentenced to between 59 years and life in jail for sexually assaulting seven girls as young as 14.

Anand Jon Alexander might get the last laugh, however. Word is that never seeing sunlight, crapping into a metal bucket and being repeatedly stabbed by a paranoid schizophrenic murderer is so Fall 2009. That’ll teach us.

With Video: America’s Next Top Cattle Stampede

March 25th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

America’s Next Top Model is known for two things – delaying the credits for a full sixty minutes even though nothing seems to be happening, and sometimes ripping off that 24 show.

Surely that last bit confused you – we’re talking about the various bomb configurations Top Model management always forces their contestants to run from. As we understand it, this is an excellent way to tell if they’re still photogenic while they think they’re going to die.

Take their recent bomb scare, for instance – it happened at a casting call, and let us tell you – most of those girls seemed very un-poised.

Tyra Banks To Sack Off America’s Next Top Model?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

What would America's Next Top Model be like if a gang of dim-looking skinny idiots didn't screech "Tyra mail!" every 3.2 seconds?

We might soon find out, because word from America's Top Model is that Tyra Banks is getting on so badly with photoshoot coordinator Jay Manuel that she's threatening to quit the show. But is there anyone else who can say "you're still in the running to become America's Next Top Model," with Tyra Banks' utter lack of feeling or expression?

Obviously when we said "we might soon find out," we didn't mean us specifically. We wouldn't be caught dead watching America's Next Top Model. Ahem.

America’s Next Top Model Of A $500,000 Lawsuit

March 31st, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

The life of a fashion model is one filled with the finest linens, using three spoons per meal and luxury supersonic jets whisking them away to the closest reaches of outer space.

Sometimes it also includes seeing cement walls, and being comforted with the knowledge your fist could slide right through it given the chance. Remember when Naomi Campbell did that? Did she do that? Honestly – the walk-enhancing steroids they probably all take have a massive temperamental side effect. That's why models are like that.

Campbell's not the only fashion model sometimes mistaken for hurricane Katrina – the up and comers on America's Next Top Model are apparently destructive too. That's precisely why their landlord is currently suing them.