After stealing the show – and possibly his keyboard player’s tonsils – at the AMAs, Adam Lambert has polarised the world.
So which side are you on? Is Adam Lambert a disgusting personification of humanity’s slow disintegration? Or is he a shining beacon in the fight for sexual equality? Or is he a slightly annoying chap with a silly haircut and a voice like a distressed goat who you suspect would lop off his own genitals with a meat cleaver for even the merest hint of attention? We just don’t know. It’s definitely the last one, but we just don’t know.
So maybe Adam Lambert’s mother know. Yes, let’s ask her. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? Anyone?
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So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?
Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.
OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.
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It turns out that GMA stands for ‘Good Morning America’. Who knew – we always assumed it meant ‘Gay Men! Arousing!’
We were shocked too. But probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. You see, Adam Lambert was due to perform on Good Morning America today, but the appearance was cancelled because producers were worried that Adam would repeat the tongue-waggling, crotch-grabbing, man-kissing, blowjob-simulating shtick that caused so many God-fearing Americans to splutter into their drinks on Sunday.
GMA needn’t have worried, though – Adam Lambert knows how to modify his performances for different audiences. After all, nobody wants to see two men kissing at breakfast, which is why Adam was only going to stick to light cupping and possibly an elaborately mimed rimjob.
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You know what’s probably the sexiest awards show moment ever? When Madonna tongue-kissed Britney Spears that time.
Remember that? Hoo boy, that was sexy. Two girls going at it full tilt – what could be sexier than that? But you know what’s probably the least sexy awards show moment ever? Adam Lambert tongue-kissing a boy during Sunday’s American Music Awards. Seriously, who wants to see two boys going at it full tilt? That’s disgusting. They probably held hands afterwards, too. UGH.
Still, Adam Lambert has defended his man-on-man kiss during the AMAs, despite it getting 1,500 different knickers in such a twist that their owners felt obliged to complain about how turned on it made them. Or how offended they were. Or something.
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So if Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift were the big winners at the American Music Awards, who were the losers?
Well, Jennifer Lopez fell on her bottom at one point. So that means the big loser at the AMAs was… no, not Jennifer Lopez. We were going to say the structural integrity of the Los Angeles Nokia Theatre, actually – sure, earthquakes are one thing, but what chance did it stand against the twin meteor strike of Jennifer Lopez’s buttocks? – although we suppose we can count Jennifer Lopez as a loser, too.
Anyway, Jennifer Lopez now says that falling over was part of her choreography, and not just gravity doing what it’s supposed to do when presented with an object as gargantuan as Jennifer Lopez’s arse.
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The American Music Awards – like the Grammys, but more likely to make you lose total faith in humanity – always surprise.
And last night they surprised. The two biggest winners at last night’s AMAs were Taylor Swift (who wasn’t there) and Michael Jackson (who hasn’t released an album of new material since 2001) (and was nominated for a Greatest Hits album that’s over six years old) (and who is quite conclusively dead).
That wasn’t the surprise, though. No, the big surprise was that Black Eyed Peas won the prize for Best Pop Group. Honestly, what’s wrong with these people? Don’t they have ears?
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Honestly, Michael Jackson should have popped his clogs a few years ago – it’s done wonders for his career.
Take The AMAs. The 2009 American Music Award nominations have just been announced and Michael Jackson is up for five awards, including Best Artist (even though he’s dead and hasn’t released any new albums for eight years) and Best Album (for a Greatest Hits collection that came out six full years ago).
Why has Michael Jackson been nominated so many times? Simple – it’s because he’s dead and dead people can’t make acceptance speeches. Basically it’s all a big ploy to ruin Kanye West‘s fun.
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The American Music Awards exist to recognise excellence in American music, and last night at the AMAs excellence was recognised.
We’re talking, of course, about Alvin And The Chipmunks. In a career spanning five decades, Alvin And The Chipmunks have seen it all – the highs represented by any of their six Grammy wins, the lows by that bit in their movie where one of them actually eats a turd – but now their comeback has been well and truly sealed with an American Music Award for Best Soundtrack.
You have to hand it to the American Music Awards, really – it gave an award to a fictional novelty group made of poo-chomping rodents and still came out looking more credible than the MTV VMAs. But that’s probably what you get when you don’t give Britney Spears the Album Of The Year award just because she happens to have some hair and isn’t dribbling.
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