hecklerspray was born on a cold March morning just after the sun peaked over a lone mountain. In the distance an eagle soared upwards, as if to carry the news to the heavens themselves. As we lay there in our mothers arms, we had our first conscious thought: “Is this a dumpster?”

And it was. We had brown water in our lungs within the hour. It was good for us. Our immune systems got fortified and we staved off getting spoiled.

Couldn’t get away with that nowadays though. Now whenever anybody wants to scissor-split a baby out you have to do it in a fancy hospital – as if doctors and nurses help anyway. Ricki Lake is on to them. She knows hospital birthing is all but unnecessary – and she won’t stoop to their level. She wants to prove it too – that’s why she recently recorded her home birth for you all to watch.

With your eyes.

As we see it home birthing has one major problem. That being when all that liquid gushes down the tarp-covered love-seat, it’s just gonna stain the carpet.

Other than that it’s a real home run. Think about it – you feel like a cookie when you’re only dilated 7 cm? Then waddle on over to the cupboard and get you one. Want some chicken? Then grab some from the pocket of your husband’s jeans that he’s carelessly strewn on the stairs.

You really can’ beat it. Ricki Lake knows. She’s had a home-kid and she wants you to have one too. For those of you incapable, maybe you could order one from India or something.

Lake’s made a movie all about her home-birthing experience. It’s called The Business of Being Born, and from what we gather it’s about hospitals being largely unnecessary corporations that desperately want to be on your child’s receiving end so they can stick you with a big bill for it – gratuity not included. The American Medical Association has caught wind of what Lake’s doing – and they are vocally displeased. Lake says:

“It feels like a personal attack. I can’t imagine they are scared everyone will have a home birth because I did. The message of the film is about having all the choices in birth, it’s about getting information and being empowered.”

Nice, eh? If we were being truthful, which we’re not from this point on, we’d tell you Lake’s next documentary is purported to be on underwater birthing. To be able to do this of course, she’ll need another fetus – for which she’s currently taking applications. Just send a picture of yourself along with a printout of recent blood work and a family death-history for the past ten generations.

If it sells like we expect it to, best prepare yourself for a paternity suit.

Read More:

Lake Fires Back At AMA For Childbirth Statement – Associated Press