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American idol

Official: American Idol Crushes Joy

by Stuart Heritage

First American Idol ditched Alexis Grace, now Megan Joy – thank God there’s no contestant called Barry Innocence.

Because if there was, he’d be a marked man. Last night Megan Joy became the latest contestant to be eliminated from American Idol. Why? Was it because she refused to conform to the reality TV stereotype? Was it because the American Idol judges couldn’t handle her profound level of truth?

No, it’s because two nights ago Megan Joy did her very best impression of a wounded lamb at an off-key, Rohypnol-informed Bob Marley karaoke party, and it was worse than death. Simple, really.

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American Idol: It’s ‘Sing Whatever Crap You Like’ Week!

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol loves theme nights – like Michael Jackson night, country night and dress the blind kid up funny night.

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American Idol: Farewell, Rubbish Ginger Fatty

by Stuart Heritage

Guess what we just heard – Adam Lambert isn’t the only contestant on American Idol. Isn’t that bizarre?

Bizarre but apparently true. One of the other American Idol contestants is a man called something like Michael Sarver. Or rather, he was a contestant – last night Michael Sarver was booted off American Idol, either for being bad at singing or for being ginger and a bit fat.

Ah, Michael Sarver. We hardly knew ye. True, that was a conscious decision on our part based on your basic inability to sing songs and your weird appearance – but take what you can get, fatty.

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American Idol: Adam Lambert Disappoints Us All

by Stuart Heritage

Oh American Idol, shame on you – you know as well as anyone that people only watch you for one reason.

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American Idol: Rubbish Generic Blonde Woman Out

by Stuart Heritage

Well, that whole ‘predetermined American Idol top four’ thing turned out to be blindingly accurate, didn’t it?

Just look at Alexis Grace. According to reports, Alexis Grace was going to be one of the last four contestants on American Idol. But that probably won’t happen any more, because last night Alexis Grace got voted off American Idol.

This means that Lil Rounds, Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert also aren’t as safe as they think they are. Especially Lambert, because his voice sounds like a malfunctioning pungi and it’s only a matter of time before he’s attacked by a venomous snake.

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American Idol: Stuffed Full Of Country

by Stuart Heritage

Now we all know who the American Idol top four will be, there’s no need to watch for the next two months.

Unless, you know, you’re a masochist. But credit where credit’s due, American Idol is determined to make the long, flat ride to the inevitable Danny Gokey victory interesting. Wait, did we just say ‘interesting’? Because we actually meant ‘so flesh-meltingly horrific that if any of us survive it with all of our senses intact it’ll be a great big bloody miracle’.

Last night was Country Night on American Idol. And, yes, it was as awful as it sounds.

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American Idol Double Elimination: Monobrow & The Dullard Out

by Stuart Heritage

First the good news – after months of endless faffing, American Idol has finally started eliminating finalists.

Now for the bad news. Jorge Nuñez was eliminated from American Idol last night. Jasmine Murray also got the boot, but it’s the loss of Jorge Nuñez that stung the most. Not because he’s a good singer, you understand. but because all the cheap-shot monobrow jokes we thought up about him will have to go to waste.

Still, Danny Gokey and Scott MacIntyre are still there, so at least we can still use our cheap-shot blindness and dead wife jokes. Hooray for American Idol!

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Look! Here’s Your American Idol Top 13 Hate-Targets!

by Stuart Heritage

Tonight, the top 13 American Idol contestants take part in the first of this year’s soul-destroying live finals.

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StuFan#1: Thoughts From My Head Strait Into Yours (Head) Thro Your Eyes

by hecklerspray staff

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I just read about an old man called Chock and how he does all these of amazing things!

If you punch his beard it says it will punch your back!!! he can,t cry tears because of cancer **sadsadsad** And it says that his legs where on a episode of Lawandorder?????? Which (Lawandorder) happens be one of my favourite series’s of crime shows about american crimes happening in that city I think that it mayght be the one with people in it? I read in this week that one of an actor who use to be on Lawandorder is not now any more **sadbutnotasmuchasthecancerone**

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American Idol: What Happened? Not A Lot, Really

by Stuart Heritage

This year American Idol has variously been about dead stalkers, endless judge-based in-fighting and bikinis.

What’s missing from this list? That’s right, actual singing. But yesterday American Idol changed all this – for the first time in ages, American Idol wasn’t about Paula fighting with Kara, or Simon fighting with Kara, or singers getting kicked out for being a bit too professional, or the sneaking suspicion that Kara can deploy evil hypnotic pulse-waves from her cranium to defeat her enemies. It was all about singing.

And what was this brand new, contestant-centric American Idol like? Pretty blinking dull, as it happens.

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