Articles tagged with: American idol
American Idol Socks It To Gokey
So now we know who the American Idol finalists are. And now we know that one of them isn't Danny Gokey. Thank heavens. Despite being a leading contender to win American Idol from the get-go, thanks to his unique combination of tragic backstory, inability to scream properly and having a face like a remedial-level semi-melted walnut, last night saw poor old Danny Gokey ejected forever. Gokey's goodbye sets up a thrilling American Idol final between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen that, if we know American Idol, will be 16 hours long and drive everyone to the brink of tedium-induced suicide. Joy.
So now we know who the American Idol finalists are. And now we know that one of them isn't Danny Gokey. Thank heavens. Despite being a leading contender to win American Idol from the get-go, thanks to his unique combination of tragic backstory, inability to scream properly and having a face like a remedial-level semi-melted walnut, last night saw poor old Danny Gokey ejected forever. Gokey's goodbye sets up a thrilling American Idol final between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen that, if we know American Idol, will be 16 hours long and drive everyone to the brink of tedium-induced suicide. Joy.
American Idol: Simon Cowell Is A Stroppy Little Madam
God, is American Idol still going? Yeesh. We want it to end now. And it's not just us - Simon Cowell does too. Or we assume he does, based on his pissy demeanour throughout last night's American Idol. Last night, faced with the nightmarish proposition of Kris Allen singing One Republic, Adam Lambert singing U2 and - God help us all - Danny Gokey singing scat, Simon Cowell decided that the best way to get through American Idol was by being an arsehole. We're not making that up. Danny Gokey sang scat. Frankly we're surprised Simon Cowell didn't punch anyone in the face.
God, is American Idol still going? Yeesh. We want it to end now. And it's not just us - Simon Cowell does too. Or we assume he does, based on his pissy demeanour throughout last night's American Idol. Last night, faced with the nightmarish proposition of Kris Allen singing One Republic, Adam Lambert singing U2 and - God help us all - Danny Gokey singing scat, Simon Cowell decided that the best way to get through American Idol was by being an arsehole. We're not making that up. Danny Gokey sang scat. Frankly we're surprised Simon Cowell didn't punch anyone in the face.
American Idol: See You Later, Iraheta
We have some breaking news. Apparently America likes speccy idiots who scream like bellends and are rubbish. It must do. Because on last night's American Idol Danny Gokey - the man with a face like a remedial-level bespectacled foot who had performed Aerosmith's Dream On in the style of a traumatised burns victim - wasn't eliminated. Instead, Allison Iraheta was told to pack her bags and instantly leave the public consciousness. Allison Iraheta did OK on American Idol, and she's young - she's got the rest of her life to consistently fail to reach the same heights before dying embittered and resigned.
We have some breaking news. Apparently America likes speccy idiots who scream like bellends and are rubbish. It must do. Because on last night's American Idol Danny Gokey - the man with a face like a remedial-level bespectacled foot who had performed Aerosmith's Dream On in the style of a traumatised burns victim - wasn't eliminated. Instead, Allison Iraheta was told to pack her bags and instantly leave the public consciousness. Allison Iraheta did OK on American Idol, and she's young - she's got the rest of her life to consistently fail to reach the same heights before dying embittered and resigned.
Paula Abdul: Opposites Attract (Her To A Buttload Of Painkillers)
Let's say American Idol is a family. Who would Paula Abdul be? Correct, she'd be your aggressive, incoherent, substance-addled mother. That's right - not your drunk mother or your mentally ill mother. Your substance-addled mother. Paula Abdul has finally revealed that she's been addicted to prescription painkillers for 12 years. and she went to rehab last year to get better. Silly Paula Abdul - this now means that the chances of her interrupting an American Idol episode to burp the theme-tune to Quincy or start licking her own chair are greatly reduced. And why else would we watch it? For the singing? Please.
Let's say American Idol is a family. Who would Paula Abdul be? Correct, she'd be your aggressive, incoherent, substance-addled mother. That's right - not your drunk mother or your mentally ill mother. Your substance-addled mother. Paula Abdul has finally revealed that she's been addicted to prescription painkillers for 12 years. and she went to rehab last year to get better. Silly Paula Abdul - this now means that the chances of her interrupting an American Idol episode to burp the theme-tune to Quincy or start licking her own chair are greatly reduced. And why else would we watch it? For the singing? Please.
American Idol: Rock Night Or Suck Night Or Whatever
When you think rock, chances are you think Slash. And then when you think Slash, you think silly silly hat. Anyway, last night was American Idol's Rock Night, and Slash was drafted in to be the guest mentor. Did he do his job? In the sense that he made one of the contestants sound like a wounded dinosaur being forced to participate in a violent bout of prison sex, then yes. Slash did his job extraordinarily well. So which of the American Idol contestants will be eliminated tomorrow? The American Idol judges didn't force their opinions on anyone. At all. Ahem.
When you think rock, chances are you think Slash. And then when you think Slash, you think silly silly hat. Anyway, last night was American Idol's Rock Night, and Slash was drafted in to be the guest mentor. Did he do his job? In the sense that he made one of the contestants sound like a wounded dinosaur being forced to participate in a violent bout of prison sex, then yes. Slash did his job extraordinarily well. So which of the American Idol contestants will be eliminated tomorrow? The American Idol judges didn't force their opinions on anyone. At all. Ahem.
American Idol: Taylor Hicks! (Plus Everyone Hates Adam Lambert)
Last night's American Idol was shocking for one reason. Yes, Matt Giraud's gone. Yes Adam Lambert was in the bottom two. But that's not it. We're talking about the fact that, on last night's American Idol, we discovered that Taylor Hicks isn't dead. Not only that, but Taylor Hicks also hasn't fallen into such a state of destitute poverty that he's had to harvest his internal organs to Russian gangsters for food. Talk about a shock. However, Matt Giraud left American Idol last night, knowing that he'll never even be as popular as Taylor Hicks. Fate's a sod sometimes.
Last night's American Idol was shocking for one reason. Yes, Matt Giraud's gone. Yes Adam Lambert was in the bottom two. But that's not it. We're talking about the fact that, on last night's American Idol, we discovered that Taylor Hicks isn't dead. Not only that, but Taylor Hicks also hasn't fallen into such a state of destitute poverty that he's had to harvest his internal organs to Russian gangsters for food. Talk about a shock. However, Matt Giraud left American Idol last night, knowing that he'll never even be as popular as Taylor Hicks. Fate's a sod sometimes.
American Idol: Adam Lambert Is A Good Swimmer Or Something
Guess what happened on American Idol last night. Everyone sang songs. And Adam Lambert sang the best song. Shocking. Oh, wait. No. We meant massively predictable. But still, even though we all know who's going to win American Idol but still have to suffer through everyone else lumbering cluelessly through songs they've clearly never heard before, at least the judges can mix things up. During last night's American Idol Ratpack Night, Paula Abdul told Adam Lambert that he was 'Michael Phelps'. Or an 'eyeball whelk'. Or 'my heel yelps'. Honestly, who knows what that bloody woman was babbling on about.
Guess what happened on American Idol last night. Everyone sang songs. And Adam Lambert sang the best song. Shocking. Oh, wait. No. We meant massively predictable. But still, even though we all know who's going to win American Idol but still have to suffer through everyone else lumbering cluelessly through songs they've clearly never heard before, at least the judges can mix things up. During last night's American Idol Ratpack Night, Paula Abdul told Adam Lambert that he was 'Michael Phelps'. Or an 'eyeball whelk'. Or 'my heel yelps'. Honestly, who knows what that bloody woman was babbling on about.
American Idol: Anoop Desai & Lil Rounds Finally Extinguished
Well well, maybe that American Idol Judge's Save gimmick wasn't as hopelessly poo-headed as we all thought. Just look at Matt Giraud. Everyone figured that, after his save last week, he'd be kicked off American Idol last night. But no. Instead Matt Giraud remains on American Idol, while Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai got booted. So does this mean that Matt Giraud will win American Idol? No, it means that he's slightly better at singing than Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds. But we know rape alarms that are better at singing than Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai, so whoopty bloody doo.
Well well, maybe that American Idol Judge's Save gimmick wasn't as hopelessly poo-headed as we all thought. Just look at Matt Giraud. Everyone figured that, after his save last week, he'd be kicked off American Idol last night. But no. Instead Matt Giraud remains on American Idol, while Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai got booted. So does this mean that Matt Giraud will win American Idol? No, it means that he's slightly better at singing than Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds. But we know rape alarms that are better at singing than Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai, so whoopty bloody doo.
