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American idol

Here’s Kara DioGuardi, The American Idol Judge You Don’t Care About

by Stuart Heritage

Adding a fourth American Idol judge is a bad idea – like adding a fourth wheel to a tricycle, or a fourth leg to the injured dog that walks around hospitals on wheels sometimes.

Not to stretch that metaphor, but it would be fine if the fourth dog leg was as famous as the other three dog legs, but it’s not – it’s a weirdly anonymous dog leg that you wouldn’t even recognise if someone hacked it off and waved it around by itself away from all the other dog legs. Understand? Good.

Anyway. Kara DioGuardi, the new fourth American Idol judge, has now been formally introduced to the public. We could have just said that instead of banging on about dog legs and saved everyone a lot of time and confusion, we suppose. Oh, will we ever learn?

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The New American Idol Judge Is, Um…

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol is such a television sensation that it can pretty much get any name going, like Prince and Gordon Brown and, um, Taylor Hicks.

So when the American Idol producers decided to shake up the holy trinity of Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul and hire a fourth judge, they aimed as high as they possibly could. So who did they pick? Michael Jackson? Madonna? The resuscitated zombie corpse of Elvis Presley? The T-Rex out of Jurassic Park? No. The American Idol producers picked Kara DioGuardi.

What? Don’t look at us, we never said we knew who she was.

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Shark Eats Portion Of Ryan Seacrest

by Shawn Lindseth

Just a portion though. Had the rest of him been eaten our headline would have been 100 times more sensational. You know, it probably would have read ‘Shark Eats All Of Ryan Seacrest’ or something. See what we mean? 100 times more sensational – that’s the stuff people want to read. Had Seacrest been entirely [...]

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David Cook Wins American Idol, Which Is Apparently Interesting

by Stuart Heritage

David Cook, the only contestant not to have a pushy father or a side job as a stripper or a stupid wet annoying stupid mouth, has won American Idol.

And what makes David Cook’s American Idol victory all the sweeter is that he was never supposed to win it – partly because his rival David Archuleta had always been the favourite and partly because David Cook is so staggeringly anonymous that he could ride into a crowded room on a neon unicorn, announcing his arrival with a loudhailer-carrying 700-piece gospel choir and people still wouldn’t have any idea who he is.

But let’s not be mean – David Cook is the rightful winner of American Idol, so he deserves all the success that he gets in the time it takes him to release one big single before Simon Cowell washes his hands of him and his album flops and we never hear from him again. Basically he’s got a fortnight.

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That Soggy-Looking Boy’s Dad Kicked Off American Idol

by Stuart Heritage

This season of American Idol finishes quite soon, but it’ll have to do so without the fire-eyed, slightly berserk stage dad Jeff Archuleta.

Father of wimpy-looking namby-pamby American Idol favourite David Archuleta, Jeff Archuleta has reportedly been banned from American Idol’s backstage area by producers after he kept urging his son to sing bits of other songs during a recent performance of Stand By Me.

That’s not all – Jeff Archuleta is also supposedly so pushy and all-controlling that he’s made David Archuleta cry in the past. Really, who do these American Idol producers think they are? In 20 years when David Archuleta is living in a normal house instead of a creepy rundown fairground with a drinking problem and an obsession with the childhood that his father stole from him, it’ll be them who’ll be to blame. Them!

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Ryan Seacrest To Possibly Inherit Larry King’s Swivel-Chair Throne

by Shawn Lindseth

Larry King has been interviewing people with bad posture since he was two.

That is to say his posture is poor – that of his guests is nothing less than perfect. They all sit there straight-backed with pinkies extended while flipping through etiquette books and properly addressing each piece of silverware. King’s got a cooking show, right? No?

But as we said – King’s been at this interviewing business for some time now – on his current show since 1985 if our sources are correct. But he can’t keep at it forever you know. If he’s ever going to dedicate himself to making more Jewish/Mormon hybrids he’s gotta act fast. He’s getting older – soon his ovarian tubes will shrivel, drying his man-milk reservoir to an endless low. Before long, for baby making he’ll have to rely solely on fluids drawn from Lake Michigan, which has a one-partspoo three-parts water ratio.

And when he retires, who do you think will have the hunched-at-a-desk prowess, the swivel-chair stamina and the never-ending suspender collection to replace him?

Why, Ryan Seacrest, apparently.

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Red Hot Newsflash: Paula Abdul Doesn’t Make Much Sense

by Stuart Heritage

They say nothing is certain but death and taxes, but that’s only because ‘nothing is certain except death, taxes and Paula Abdul acting all crazy boogaloo’ is too long.

You guessed it – notorious slurring headcase Paula Abdul has had another episode. What crazy shenanigans has Paula Abdul got up to this time? Why, judging an American Idol contestant on a song that he hadn’t even sung, of course.

This confusing American Idol cock-up has left people asking the very important question ‘is Paula Abdul OK?’ To which the answer is obviously ‘no, she’s clearly not OK, she’s Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul does this sort of stuff all the bloody time. What are you, new here or something?’

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American Idol Stripper Takes His Naked Nutsack Elsewhere

by Stuart Heritage

This year’s American Idol had a multi-talented star in the making in David Hernandez – not only could he sing, but he could also jiggle his balls in your face for cash.

However, the American public didn’t quite see it like that, which is why David Hernandez has been voted out of American Idol already.

Clearly the whole stripper scandal had an effect on David Hernandez’s popularity, but his belief in the power of destiny means that he’s not letting this disappointing result get him down. “Things happen for a reason,” David said. Which is true – it just so happens that the reason in this case is that David Fernandez used to do grubby naked erotic dances for sleazy businessmen. Hey, this destiny thing is a breeze!

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American Idol Stripper Allowed To Rock Out With His Cock Out

by Stuart Heritage

On the surface there might not seem to be a lot of difference between appearing on American Idol and waggling your naked penis in a homosexual’s face for cash.

But that’s where you’re wrong, because… oh, actually, no. There really isn’t a lot of difference between going on American Idol and the naked penis thing.

In fact, they’re so similar that American Idol’s head honcho has decided to allow David Hernandez – the American Idol contestant with a murky male stripper past – to stay on the show even though it’s patently, patently wrong to do so. Surely American Idol contestants should start the slow depraved slide into humiliating public nudity after they’ve left the show, not before. Cosmic order like this should not be trifled with.

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American Idol Singer May Have Got His Balls Out For Cash

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol has now passed the fun ‘laugh at the bad idiots’ stage, which means that it’s just a slow, power-ballad heavy chug to the final now.

Or it might not be, and it’s all thanks to David Hernandez – an American Idol finalist who might very well have been a male stripper for three years.

A Phoenix strip club manager is telling everyone that David Hernandez used to get his nutsack out all the time for three years while working for him. It’s a claim that could potentially damage American Idol’s reputation, because the last time a male stripper got onto a Simon Cowell show it was Chico from X Factor. And if David Hernandez turns out to be anything like him, well God help us all.

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