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American idol

American Idol: Paula Abdul & Kara Properly Hate Each Other

by Stuart Heritage

Forget the endless soggy Stevie Wonder cover versions – American Idol is always going to be about one thing.

How much the judges hate each other. Balancing their egos has always been a tricky job – especially when one of those egos is as shrieky and scattergun and genuinely incomprehensible as Paula Abdul – and now it’s all come to a head.

Paula Abdul has told a magazine that she doesn’t really like American Idol now that new judge Kara DioGuardi is on board, and Kara has responded by saying how ‘hurt’ she is. Boy, this is going to be one funny-looking catfight.

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American Idol: Randy Jackson Wants A Boy To Win Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol is really hotting up at the moment, what with all that singing and crying and blah blah blah.

But the big question is, who’s going to win? It’d be sensible to ask the American Idol judges. But who? Not Simon because his teeth might burn a hole into your retinas. Not Paula because you’d want a legible answer and not the new judge because she looks so much like the photographer from Just Shoot Me that it honestly freaks us out.

So that leaves Randy Jackson. And he says a boy will win American Idol. So that’s that.

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Joanna Pacitti Too Good At Singing For American Idol

by Stuart Heritage

We thought that Joanna Pacitti would win American Idol because she had it all – the look, the voice, the talent.

The suspicious connections to American Idol bigwigs. Everything. But sadly it wasn’t to be – apparently having released albums, performed on movie soundtracks and living in the same apartment block as a 19 Entertainment executive that you refer to as you best friend and manager is seen as something of an unfair advantage. Who knew?

And, since Joanna Pacitti has all of those things, American Idol has disqualified her. A contestant disqualified for something other than having sex with Paula Abdul? Shocking.

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Simon Cowell’s Manmams Offend Idol Contestant, Millions of Viewers

by Paul Gibson

Simon Cowell is famous for gratuitously insulting the contestants on his TV show, American Idol. That and having a big pair of broobs. Well look out Simon, because there’s a new insulter in Idoltown. And you’re the target of his laughably pisspoor schoolyard badmouthing. Having built his television career and bank account on a talent [...]

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American Idol Contestant Under Fire For Being Good At Singing

by Stuart Heritage

Joanna Pacitti’s life is like a fairy tale – a slightly crappy fairy tale with no magic that’s actually sort of boring.

But a fairy tale nonetheless. Joanna Pacitti starred on Broadway as a child, she’s sung songs for several terrible movies and she’s been romantically involved with one of the world’s least famous men. And now Joanna Pacitti is through to the next stage of American Idol.

And everyone hates her. Joanna Pacitti shouldn’t be on American Idol, they say, because she’s already a great singer. And we all know that American Idol is about terrible singers like Taylor Hicks.

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American Idol: Simon & Kara Hate Each Other! Yay!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s no secret that new American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi might be the person to kill the show forever.

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Simon Cowell Gets All ‘Whoops’ About Paula Abdul’s Dead Stalker

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol loves its theme nights – we’ve previously had Beatles Night, Big Band Night and Ironically Let Taylor Hicks Win Night.

But the forthcoming American Idol will be groundbreaking. That’s because it’ll be the first American Idol theme season – and the theme is ‘everybody be really nice to all the contestants, even if they’re clearly awful, in case more of them show up dead outside Paula Abdul’s house. Actually it’s not. Simon Cowell has spoken about the death of Paula Abdul’s obsessed fan and has decided that, though sad, he’s still going to be a bastard to everyone he meets. Hooray!

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American Idol Gets Revamped, Now Slightly Less Death-Stalkery

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol, it’s fair to say, is on the slide – last season it was only watched by 97% of Americans, down from the usual 105%.

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Paula Abdul Understandably Spooked Out About That Dead Lady

by Stuart Heritage

Paula Abdul once sang a duet with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat, so she knows weird when she sees it.

But when a woman who a) looked like Paula, b) painted lifesize pictures of Paula and c) appeared on the TV show that Paula judges died outside Paula Abdul’s house surrounded by pictures and CDs all bearing Paula Abdul’s image in a car with a licence plate that professed her love for Paula Abdul, that may have tipped things to a new level.

Apparently Paula Abdul hasn’t slept in her own house since any of this happened. Well, duh.

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Paula Abdul’s Number One Fan Turns Up Dead

by Stuart Heritage

An American Idol contestant infatuated with Paula Abdul enough to paint huge pictures of her has been found dead near Abdul’s home.

The body of Paula Goodspeed was discovered yesterday near Paula Abdul’s mansion in a car with a Paula Abdul-referencing license plate, next to pictures and CDs of Paula Abdul. It’s thought that Paula Goodspeed overdosed on prescription drugs, following a less successful suicide attempt near Abdul’s home earlier this year.

It’s sad news, and Goodspeed’s death might even make reality producers question their vetting process or treatment of contestants. Maybe they could just let Randy Jackson judge the next season of American Idol alone. After all, nobody can like him that much, can they?

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