There are two things that soldiers enjoy - one is shooting foreigners and the other is watching hungover, coked-out amateur porn stars who used to be on a reality TV show slur out one halfhearted Bonnie Tyler cover version after another.

But that's not going to happen, because an American charity has decided that it doesn't want our new favourite good girl gone bad (or bad girl gone worse? Crap girl gone terrible?) Jessica Sierra to perform at a Washington Christmas tribute concert for US troops on Friday, thanks to her currently being held in custody for violating her parole in an embarrassingly drunk, vomit-stained, sexually-propositioning way, and also because of the imminent internet release of the grubby-looking Jessica Sierra sex tape.

But, undeterred, Jessica Sierra has vowed to help the army out in any way she can despite the concert snub, which is why this week she'll be offering sad-faced handjobs to crooked prison guards in return for donations to the war effort. Possibly.

Calm down; yes, there's apparently an American Idol sex tape about to hit the internet, but rest assured that you won't have to see Simon Cowell's bare todger flapping around like a torn blister in a windtunnel.

In fact it's a sex tape of Jessica Sierra, who we're told did moderately well at American Idol two years ago. And the sex tape isn't Jessica Sierra's only problem right now - that comes in the form of an arrest for intoxication and resisting arrest which violates her parole from the time she was arrested for battery and cocaine possession. But while Jessica Sierra faces the possibility of a lengthy jail sentence, we all get the sex tape to look forward to. And since we didn't even know who Jessica Sierra even was until about 10 seconds ago, it's basically going to be a video of an anonymous, slightly rough-looking woman having it off. We can't decide if that makes it better or worse, actually.

We love American Idol.  

We love it as much as we love watching The Notebook. In a sauna. Wearing a parka. And burlap underwear.  

And if there’s anything we love more than American Idol, it's following past American Idol contestants on their road to guaranteed fame and fortune.Take Carrie Underwood for example. She’s twanged her melodies all the way to the top of the country music world, and it isn’t because she’s worked that midriff or had unclassy cleavage, either, because girlfriend says she isn’t into showing a lot of skin.  

You see, kids? You don’t need to know that Europe is a continent, not a country to be successful. Just have classy cleavage and you’re golden. 

Since the Black Eyed Peas haven't released any albums this year, we can't have been alone in thinking that it'd cause the American Music Awards to burst into flames and disappear into a vortex.

After all, we thought the Black Eyed Peas were contractually obliged to always win all of the American Music Awards, lest America wants to feel their wrath. But clearly that isn't the case - the 2007 American Music Awards took place yesterday with American Idol contestants Chris Daughtry and Carrie Underwood dominating the prizes. Why? Because it was the first time that the American public had been allowed to choose the winners, that's why - so we suppose we should just count our blessings that the Chocolate Rain bloke and the sodding Hamburglar didn't win everything instead.