Well well, maybe that American Idol Judge’s Save gimmick wasn’t as hopelessly poo-headed as we all thought.

Just look at Matt Giraud. Everyone figured that, after his save last week, he’d be kicked off American Idol last night. But no. Instead Matt Giraud remains on American Idol, while Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai got booted.

So does this mean that Matt Giraud will win American Idol? No, it means that he’s slightly better at singing than Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds. But we know rape alarms that are better at singing than Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai, so whoopty bloody doo.

It’s been a long time coming – so long, in fact, that we’ve already formed entirely fictitious memories of how perfect life was back in the early stages of the season – but American Idol has finally revealed its top five contestants. And it’s with some degree of authority that we can declare that this year’s American Idol will be won by either Adam Lambert, Dead Wife Bloke, That Other Man, A Woman or Whichever One We’ve Missed Out.

And, whatever you think of American Idol, you’ve got to hand it to the show – that sure is one talented bunch of people who’d largely go unrecognised in the street.

However, although we’re thrilled that it won’t be long before everyone gets to stop pretending that Adam Lambert isn’t very obviously going to win American Idol, we’re a little sad that Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai were kicked off American Idol in a double elimination last night. A little sad, mind you. Maybe sad is the wrong word. We noticed that Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai were kicked off American Idol last night. There, that’s better. Reuters reports:

Rounds, who sang “I’m Every Woman,” and Desai, who performed “Dim All the Lights,” had both faced elimination in recent weeks by repeatedly placing among the bottom vote-getters, and both seemed resigned to their fates. “I’m still really disappointed,” Desai, of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, said during the program. “I’m coming home,” added Rounds, addressing her husband and three children.

The elimination won’t have come as a surprise to Lil Rounds, who’s been informed week after week that she’s a terrible singer, but Anoop Desai really put the effort in for this week’s American Idol. By which we mean that he didn’t shave for a couple of days. You know, like George Michael. Or that homeless man who threw a bottle at us when we caught him going through our bins the other day. He deserved more.

But although it’s the end of American Idol for Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai, they can still return home with their heads held high. After all, not all of us can say that our life peaked during a two-month period of time when a smug British man with bad hair and granny teeth consistently mocked our lack of ability and stage presence in front of an audience of millions, can we? No. Not all of us can say that.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

First American Idol ditched Alexis Grace, now Megan Joy – thank God there’s no contestant called Barry Innocence.

Because if there was, he’d be a marked man. Last night Megan Joy became the latest contestant to be eliminated from American Idol. Why? Was it because she refused to conform to the reality TV stereotype? Was it because the American Idol judges couldn’t handle her profound level of truth?

No, it’s because two nights ago Megan Joy did her very best impression of a wounded lamb at an off-key, Rohypnol-informed Bob Marley karaoke party, and it was worse than death. Simple, really.

Although many of the other American Idol contestants have been more effective at grabbing the headlines – either because a) they’ve got a dead wife or b) because they like to interpret Johnny Cash songs by making orgasmy noises to the sound of snake charmer music or c) because their blindness allows the wardrobe department to cruelly toy with their appearance against their knowledge like some sort of malevolent God figures – Megan Joy was always the most controversial American Idol act of the year.

This was partly down to the fact that Megan couldn’t decide if her name was Megan Joy, Megan Corkrey, Megan Joy Corkrey or – in a rash move probably designed to up her chances with the American Idol judges – Celine Dion. It was also partly because, if you do a Google Image search for ‘Megan Joy’ with SafeSearch turned off, the first result is a still from a porno movie that apparently goes by the name of Ass Masterpiece.

But mainly it was because Megan Joy had the kind of singing voice that made you want to kill yourself – an off-kilter caterwaul that made her sound like a toddler crying for help from the top of a vibrating platform or, at the very least, Amy Winehouse going through an impossibly debilitating stroke. Really, Megan Joy was hopeless. We can’t overstate that enough.

Not that it matters any more, though, because last night Megan Joy got the heave-ho from American Idol, as Reuters reports:

“This is your swan song, enjoy it,” Cowell, who had called the performance boring, indulgent and monotonous, told Joy. He added they did not even need to hear her sing once more before deciding whether to keep her. Joy seemed consigned to her fate, saying “It’s OK” after host Ryan Seacrest revealed her fate. Smiling, even cheerful, she added, “Judges, I love you, America I love you, and baby, I’m coming home.”

You see, America? Even though the vast majority of you can’t stand her, Megan Joy still loves you. And it’s this unbeatable spirit that’s going to make Megan Joy a superstar in the Utah canned meat processing factory that she’ll probably end up working in before too long.

We wish you all the best, Megan Joy. But only if you promise to shh.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Well, that whole ‘predetermined American Idol top four’ thing turned out to be blindingly accurate, didn’t it?

Just look at Alexis Grace. According to reports, Alexis Grace was going to be one of the last four contestants on American Idol. But that probably won’t happen any more, because last night Alexis Grace got voted off American Idol.

This means that Lil Rounds, Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert also aren’t as safe as they think they are. Especially Lambert, because his voice sounds like a malfunctioning pungi and it’s only a matter of time before he’s attacked by a venomous snake.

Nobody is safe on American Idol. Nobody at all. The judges aren’t safe, because every couple of weeks they’ll turn on each other like angry dogs. The viewers aren’t safe, because every time they sit down to enjoy a jaunty cover of Ring Of Fire they’re presented with the retina-scarring image of a man who looks like a leathery past-his-prime vampire rentboy performing what appears to be the soundtrack to a porno remake of Ali Baba And The Forty Theives.

And the American Idol contestants certainly aren’t safe. This was proved last night when Alexis Grace, one of the favourites to win the entire show, got voted off. People has more:

Favorite Alexis Grace, 21, wound up being the contestant destined to go home, thanks no doubt to an uncharacteristically strident performance of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” on Tuesday. Because of the newly instituted Judges’ Save rule — and because the Mighty Four have always liked her so much — Alexis was permitted to sing an encore as Randy, Simon, Paula and Kara huddled together and discussed her fate.

But it wasn’t to be. No amount of confusingly elaborate fan-cheating rules designed expressly to rig the American Idol final could save Alexis Grace from elimination. So what went wrong? We’ve boiled it down to a few options:

1 - Maybe Alexis Grace just wasn’t as popular as everyone thought she was.

2 - Maybe, in an American Idol season featuring a widower, a blind man and – most tragically of all – a fat bloke with ginger hair, Alexis Grace just didn’t have a winningly tragic backstory. You can try and cover it up by sometimes wearing a hat, Alexis, but that’s not going to make us think that you’ve got leukaemia.

3 - There’s already an American Idol contestant named Megan Joy. If you have a contestant with the surname Joy and a contestant with the surname Grace, there’s a disgustingly high probability that they’ll end up forming an evangelical Christian folk duo, and the public knew they had to stop this no matter what the cost.

4 – Maybe it’s because, in her American Idol publicity photograph, Alexis Grace is sitting with her legs so far apart that it looks like she’s got an abrasive case of terminal thrush.

Or maybe it was just that she wasn’t very good last night. Either way, well done America. Lambert next, please.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

First the good news – after months of endless faffing, American Idol has finally started eliminating finalists.

Now for the bad news. Jorge Nuñez was eliminated from American Idol last night. Jasmine Murray also got the boot, but it’s the loss of Jorge Nuñez that stung the most. Not because he’s a good singer, you understand. but because all the cheap-shot monobrow jokes we thought up about him will have to go to waste.

Still, Danny Gokey and Scott MacIntyre are still there, so at least we can still use our cheap-shot blindness and dead wife jokes. Hooray for American Idol!

At any given point over the last few months, American Idol has been about dead stalkers, bikinis, chronic in-fighting or however you’d describe that awful shrieking girl who couldn’t decide if she was Spanish or not. But not any more.

As from this week, American Idol started to be about the exact thing it excels at – interminable, piss-weak Michael Jackson cover versions that nobody could ever truly bring themselves to like. Oh, and dramatic over-long eliminations.

And since this week was the first week of the American Idol live finals, the elimination process got to be explained to us all in all the infinitesimal detail usually reserved for holiday slideshows by people you rightfully dislike. On this year’s American Idol, you see, there’s a new rule called something like the Judge’s Save. We shall now attempt to explain the American Idol Judge’s Save to you:

If the public vote out a contestant who the American Idol judges like, the judges have the right to reverse the decision and keep them in. But only so long as a) it’s a unanimous vote by all four judges, b) American Idol has yet to reach the top-five stage, c) a double eviction can take place the following week, d) the date numerically adds up to a prime number, e) the saved contestant can solve the ancient mystery of Ishra-Nikk using only their elbows and a second-hand Ped Egg, and f) the moonlight on the citadel casts a shadow in the shape of Bulgaria.

Fortunately, though, American Idol didn’t need to implement the Judge’s Save last night, on the basis that both eliminated acts were legitimately hopeless. First to go was Jasmine Murray – a girl who shouldn’t be really be mocked because she’s only 16 and incredibly earnest, but should be mocked because she looks identical to Janice from Dr Teeth And The Electric Mayhem and couldn’t have any less charisma if she was made out of farts. You’ll have forgotten her name by the weekend.

Second to be eliminated from American Idol was Jorge Nuñez, and that decision really stung. Again, we’re not disappointed because he could sing well – we can’t stress enough that he couldn’t – but because now he’s gone it’s less likely that he’ll acrimoniously break up with his monobrow due to creative differences, leading to his monobrow scoring a critically-acclaimed role as the lead in Cats on Broadway. Jorge Nuñez, you will be missed. Sort of.

So who’ll be next to be eliminated from American Idol now that Jorge Nuñez and Jasmine Murray are out? Our guess – one of those other terrible wankers. Just a hunch.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!