After stealing the show – and possibly his keyboard player’s tonsils – at the AMAs, Adam Lambert has polarised the world.

So which side are you on? Is Adam Lambert a disgusting personification of humanity’s slow disintegration? Or is he a shining beacon in the fight for sexual equality? Or is he a slightly annoying chap with a silly haircut and a voice like a distressed goat who you suspect would lop off his own genitals with a meat cleaver for even the merest hint of attention? We just don’t know. It’s definitely the last one, but we just don’t know.

So maybe Adam Lambert’s mother know. Yes, let’s ask her. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? Anyone?

The mother/child dynamic has a certain number of rules that should never be broken. For instance, rule number one is that the child should always be embarrassed by the mother. It doesn’t matter how – maybe the mother still insists on wiping the child’s face with a spitty tissue, or maybe the mother likes nothing more than showing baby photos of the child’s ridiculous infant testicles to everyone she meets – but that’s rule number one anyway.

Start playing with that rule – by, say, making the child embarrass the mother by performing a slightly rubbish song on television and then ending it by almost asphyxiating his keyboardist to death with his gay face and tongue – and you’re asking for trouble. Mess with rule number one and you put all the other mother/child rules – the rule about the child feeling bad for never calling the mother, the rule about the mother secretly resenting the child for growing up – in jeopardy too. You don’t mess with the rules. You just don’t.

Adam Lambert, though, cares not for rules. If he wants to gay-kiss the pants off a boy on TV, that’s what he’s going to do. It doesn’t matter if Good Morning America bans him or The Early Show blurs out his face in an effort to quell an uprising of gay hysteria. It doesn’t even matter if it makes his mother feel a little bit awkward – that’s just Adam Lambert. It did make his mother feel a little bit awkward, as it turns out. MTV reports:

“He always wanted to entertain, even just in our family, so he took it a few steps further. It’s my kid. He’s doing great. He is entertaining everyone, including me,” she said. “You know, I was a little taken aback, but I just went with the flow, and it’s all good.”

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter what Adam Lambert’s mother thought about the performance, because kissing a man on TV has helped him to sell hundreds of thousands of copies of his new album. Although maybe we should keep that quiet, because Ringo Starr‘s got a new album coming out in January and, you know, bleurgh.

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It turns out that GMA stands for ‘Good Morning America’. Who knew – we always assumed it meant ‘Gay Men! Arousing!’

We were shocked too. But probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. You see, Adam Lambert was due to perform on Good Morning America today, but the appearance was cancelled because producers were worried that Adam would repeat the tongue-waggling, crotch-grabbing, man-kissing, blowjob-simulating shtick that caused so many God-fearing Americans to splutter into their drinks on Sunday.

GMA needn’t have worried, though – Adam Lambert knows how to modify his performances for different audiences. After all, nobody wants to see two men kissing at breakfast, which is why Adam was only going to stick to light cupping and possibly an elaborately mimed rimjob.

GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Great Man-On-Man Action’ – has found itself with some explaining to do. And it’s all Adam Lambert’s fault. You’ll remember that the most shocking thing to happen at the American Music Awards on Sunday wasn’t the fact that Michael Jackson won several awards that he wasn’t strictly eligible for, or the fact that some spoilsports removed footage of Jennifer Lopez falling on her bottom – it was Adam Lambert kissing a man on the mouth.

Adam Lambert’s gay kiss has so far provoked 1,500 separate complaints – much more than when Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the MTV awards in 2003, and that was arguably more disgusting because Madonna’s got a neck like a chicken gizzard – which in turn has made some TV shows a little jumpy when it comes to giving him airtime. One of these shows is GMA, which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Gimp Masks Ahoy’.

GMA - which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Give Me Analsex’ – yesterday decided to pull an Adam Lambert performance that was scheduled for this morning, on the basis that he might continue to offend viewers with his lewd homosexuality. And by doing so, the show has managed to blunder its way to the forefront of an escalating debate about sexual equality, as MSNBC reports:

“Obviously, I respect their decision — they gotta do what they gotta do,” Lambert said Tuesday. “It’s too bad — I think there were a lot of fans who were excited to come see me.”… The GMA Web site was flooded with comments from viewers about the Lambert cancellation. Some applauded ABC for taking a stand against vulgarity, while others suggested the network was being homophobic.

It seems like a silly move by GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘God My Arse’ – because not only has it given Adam Lambert even more publicity than he would have otherwise received, but because now it looks like the bad guy. Now GMA looks like Carrie Prejean. That means that it’s only a matter of time before GMA paints itself orange and stars in a series of degrading solo sex tapes. Is that something you want? Is it?

And, regardless of what you think of Adam Lambert, you can’t deny that he’s done very well out of all this. His profile has been raised exponentially since the kiss, and he still get to perform on TV this morning, anyway. The Early Show has offered him a spot, and he’s accepted.

The Early Show, by the way, runs on CBS, which everybody knows stands for ‘Creepy Bum Sex’.

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You know what’s probably the sexiest awards show moment ever? When Madonna tongue-kissed Britney Spears that time.

Remember that? Hoo boy, that was sexy. Two girls going at it full tilt – what could be sexier than that? But you know what’s probably the least sexy awards show moment ever? Adam Lambert tongue-kissing a boy during Sunday’s American Music Awards. Seriously, who wants to see two boys going at it full tilt? That’s disgusting. They probably held hands afterwards, too. UGH.

Still, Adam Lambert has defended his man-on-man kiss during the AMAs, despite it getting 1,500 different knickers in such a twist that their owners felt obliged to complain about how turned on it made them. Or how offended they were. Or something.

Did you see Adam Lambert’s performance of For Your Entertainment on Sunday night’s American Music Awards? It was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. It sounded like Dame Shirley Bassey covering Womanizer by Britney Spears. Honestly, we’ve never been so offended by anything in all our lives. It was such a shameless rip-off of the current fad for electro-Glitterbeat pop music that we felt dirty afterwards. We had to go and wash ourselves. It was disgusting.

Oh, plus Adam Lambert kissed a man at the end. That was interesting too.

Except it turns out that Adam Lambert’s gay kiss garnered 1,500 complaints from irate viewers, making it easily the most offensive thing to happen on the night. And that must be pretty offensive, because the Black Eyed Peas won an award that night, and that’s easily one of the most offensive things we’ve ever heard.

However, Adam Lambert kissed a man on TV and a lot of people got angry as a result – after all, Adam Lambert is the first gay pop star in history – so he needed to respond to the outcry. The done thing here would be for Adam Lambert to follow the Mel Gibson situation aversion model and apologise, then apologise to a leader of the heterosexual community and finally go off to rehab until he starts liking girls. But, no, this is Adam Lambert we’re talking about. He always has to be different. So what did he do? The Chicago Tribune reports:

“People are scared, and it’s really sad. I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things. It’s all for a laugh — it’s really not that big of a deal.” If you didn’t like it, tough cookies, Lambert told “Access Hollywood”: “I believe in artistic freedom and expression. I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song, and those lyrics aren’t really for everybody either.”

That’s not strictly true – if Adam Lambert really believed in honouring the lyrics of a song so much, then his American Idol rendition of Ring Of Fire would have climaxed with him dousing his anus in petrol and then torching it – but he’s got a point. A boy kissed a boy – big whoop.

More importantly, why didn’t anyone tell us that Adam Lambert was gay? If only there had been some clue about his sexuality before now. We’re stunned.

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So if Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift were the big winners at the American Music Awards, who were the losers?

Well, Jennifer Lopez fell on her bottom at one point. So that means the big loser at the AMAs was… no, not Jennifer Lopez. We were going to say the structural integrity of the Los Angeles Nokia Theatre, actually – sure, earthquakes are one thing, but what chance did it stand against the twin meteor strike of Jennifer Lopez’s buttocks? – although we suppose we can count Jennifer Lopez as a loser, too.

Anyway, Jennifer Lopez now says that falling over was part of her choreography, and not just gravity doing what it’s supposed to do when presented with an object as gargantuan as Jennifer Lopez’s arse.

Sunday’s AMAs threw up a few surprises – some we’ve already discussed and some we’re getting round to – but the most pleasurable part of the evening was the sight of Jennifer Lopez collapsing under the weight of her hefty behind during a performance of her new single. You didn’t see it, of course – either because it was edited out of the television feed or because you deliberately avoided the American Music Awards since you knew you’d only end up clawing at your face and wishing death on all of humanity if you caught even a glimpse of it – but it happened. Jennifer Lopez fell over.

It all occurred during the debut performance of Jennifer Lopez’s new single Louboutins, a song all about how much Jenny from the block (whose love don’t cost a thing, remember) enjoys spending upwards of £700 on shoes that clearly aren’t very good at keeping her upright. She sure is a a woman of the people. Anyway, this is more or less how the accident played out – Jennifer was walking up a staircase made entirely out of topless male dancers, then she leapt off the top, slipped and crashed to the floor before popping back up and pretending that it never happened.

The American Music Awards have removed all trace of the Jennifer Lopez bum-attack from YouTube, so instead, here’s the closest re-enactment we could find…

But even though the accident has been neatly wiped from history, it didn’t stop Ryan Seacrest from asking Jennifer Lopez about it yesterday – which was good, in a way, because it gave Lopez the chance to claim it was all perfectly intentional. MTV reports:

“Did I? Did I? Did I trip a little bit? I don’t even remember,” Lopez said with a chuckle. “Yeah, I meant to do that. You should know me better than that. That was part of the choreography… The measure of things is not what happens when you fall, it’s how you recover when you fall.”

But whatever her excuse, we should be thankful that Jennifer Lopez avoided any serious injury to herself by landing on her bottom. True, she did manage to swallow about three small villages up her enormous bumcrack in the process, but the important thing is that she’s OK.

UPDATE: There IS footage of Jennifer Lopez stacking it on the internet, after all. Thanks to the ever-wonderful @mofgimmers for the link.

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The American Music Awards – like the Grammys, but more likely to make you lose total faith in humanity – always surprise.

And last night they surprised. The two biggest winners at last night’s AMAs were Taylor Swift (who wasn’t there) and Michael Jackson (who hasn’t released an album of new material since 2001) (and was nominated for a Greatest Hits album that’s over six years old) (and who is quite conclusively dead).

That wasn’t the surprise, though. No, the big surprise was that Black Eyed Peas won the prize for Best Pop Group. Honestly, what’s wrong with these people? Don’t they have ears?

Oh good. It’s the American Music Awards. You know what this means, don’t you? It means that awards season is here. Soon we’ll be up to our necks in 150 different types of award shows, all doling out meaningless baubles to films that nobody watched, music that nobody paid for and TV shows that people only put on because they’re afraid of silence. Joy.

And if the American Music Awards are any indication, the theme of this year’s award season is going to be Let’s Give Loads Of Stuff To Michael Jackson. Last night at the AMAs, Michael Jackson won Best Soul Artist, Best Pop Male, Best Pop Album and Best Soul Album, even though he didn’t release anything within the allotted time period for nominations. Or within any of the last eight allotted time periods for nominations, in fact. People reports:

“It’s not just about the winnings, the awards,” his brother Jermaine said in an acceptance speech. “It’s mainly the message. The message Michael had will live on forever. He saw good in everyone. … Start with love and let’s love each other.” Sister Janet Jackson got a standing ovation when she opened the show with a choreographed-heavy medley of her hits.

Jermaine Jackson is right – the continued love for Michael Jackson isn’t about winning the awards. It’s about being nominated for the awards, because that way Jermaine Jackson gets to spend his evenings somewhere warm where there’s free food. It’s going to be a cold winter, and he’ll need to stock up before people start forgetting about his brother.

It’s no surprise that Michael Jackson won so many American Music Awards – he was nominated for several of them, after all – but we’re praying that this doesn’t start a trend. Sure, a handful of AMAs are one thing, but nobody wants the Oscars to follow suit and award Moonwalker the Best Picture trophy, do they? Nobody wants the Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe to go to Michael Jackson for his role in The Wiz, do they? Nobody wants Michael Jackson to win a retroactive British Comedy Award for that time he hilariously dangled his baby from a balcony, do they? What? They do? Weird.

But just because Michael Jackson won so many prizes, it doesn’t mean that the American Music Awards only honour washed-up shells of their former selves out of nothing more than a mixture of guilt and nostalgia, even though the acts are thoroughly undeserving of them, does it? Just take a look at who won the AMA Artist Of The Year award last night.

It was Whitney Houston. OK, you may have a point.

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Honestly, Michael Jackson should have popped his clogs a few years ago – it’s done wonders for his career.

Take The AMAs. The 2009 American Music Award nominations have just been announced and Michael Jackson is up for five awards, including Best Artist (even though he’s dead and hasn’t released any new albums for eight years) and Best Album (for a Greatest Hits collection that came out six full years ago).

Why has Michael Jackson been nominated so many times? Simple – it’s because he’s dead and dead people can’t make acceptance speeches. Basically it’s all a big ploy to ruin Kanye West‘s fun.

This is just a hunch, but we’re expecting the big winner at the 2010 Brit Awards to be Stephen Gately‘s nine-year-old cover version of Bright Eyes from Watership Down. Because if the just-announced American Music Award nominations are anything to go by, handing out awards to dead singers regardless of when they last actually recorded anything seems to be the hot new thing.

Michael Jackson, the dead popstar whose last underwhelming album was released in 2001, has been nominated for five awards – Best Artist, Best Male Artist, Best Album, Best R&B Male Artist and Best R&B Album. The album in question, by the way, is Number Ones. From 2003. Even when you factor grief into the decision to nominate him so many times, it still doesn’t make a great deal of sense.

Especially because Michael Jackson has released new music this year, which would have been legitimately eligible for nomination. It’s just a shame that the American Music Awards organisers failed to initiate new categories entitled Best Halfhearted And Truncated Rip-Off Of A Song From Grand Theft Auto and Best Cover Version Of An 18-Year-Old Puerto Rican Song That Nobody Had Ever Heard Of Until Yesterday, because Michael Jackson would have bloody well walked those.

Somewhat inevitably, news of all these Michael Jackson nominations have been met with bemusement from all corners, not least the LA Times:

Regardless of retail impact, a 2009 award show should be restricted to albums actually recorded within its recent history. At last check, Jackson has already won plenty of American Music Award trophies for the songs on “Number Ones,” including an artist of the century accolade in 2002. A segment or two honoring Jackson would have been a better way to recognise the King of Pop’s contributions to music.

Actually, you know what? Screw it. Based on unit sales and radio play, Michael Jackson probably does deserve all of these nominations. And let’s not forget the most important thing here – if Michael Jackson doesn’t get nominated then he can’t win, and if he doesn’t win then Jermaine Jackson can’t make an acceptance speech by proxy where he insinuates that he had a greater hand in the making of his brother’s hit records than he actually did. Won’t anyone think of Jermaine here? Jesus.

And anyway, surely the American Music Award voters are smart enough to realise that the basis for Michael Jackson’s nominations are flawed, and that maybe acts who have made legitimately eligible albums of new material would be more deserving of the awards. What’s that? The American Music Awards are voted for by the public?

Oh bugger.

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The American Music Awards exist to recognise excellence in American music, and last night at the AMAs excellence was recognised.

We’re talking, of course, about Alvin And The Chipmunks. In a career spanning five decades, Alvin And The Chipmunks have seen it all – the highs represented by any of their six Grammy wins, the lows by that bit in their movie where one of them actually eats a turd – but now their comeback has been well and truly sealed with an American Music Award for Best Soundtrack.

You have to hand it to the American Music Awards, really – it gave an award to a fictional novelty group made of poo-chomping rodents and still came out looking more credible than the MTV VMAs. But that’s probably what you get when you don’t give Britney Spears the Album Of The Year award just because she happens to have some hair and isn’t dribbling.

If an artist wants proof that their achievements have been appreciated by their peers and paymasters, recognition by the American Music Awards is the thing to aim for. Serious, well-respected and industry-minded, the AMAs are just like The Brits, only they’re American so they don’t feel guilt-obliged to keep nominating Lemar for stuff.

The difference between the AMAs and the MTV VMAs are vast. Firstly, the AMAs don’t rely on the cheap, tawdry sensationalist gimmicks of the MTV VMAs. Secondly, the AMAs think that the soundtrack to Alvin And The Chipmunks was really bloody cool.

That’s right – the Alvin And The Chipmunks movie soundtrack, featuring stirring anthems like Funkytown, Get Munk’d and, well, this – is officially better than any other soundtrack released in the last year. And rightly so – our sincere congratulations go out to Alvin and The Chipmunks. This victory is well deserved, especially so soon after the career low that was Little Alvin And The Mini-Munks, the Heaven’s Gate of low-budget rodent puppetry movies.

However, Alvin And The Chipmunks weren’t the only winners at the AMAs last night – infant Michael Jackson impersonator Chris Brown managed to win AMAs for artist of the year, male pop/rock artist and male soul/R&B artist, while Linkin Park, Enrique Iglesias and Annie Lennox also inexplicably won awards.

Oh, and Kanye West was unfortunately unable to continue his amazing streak of not winning awards and then throwing a tantrum about it because he actually won an AMA for male rap/hip-hop artist. So it’s a testament to Kanye’s ingenuity that he ended up throwing a tantrum because Lil’ Wayne didn’t win it instead. People reports:

“I want to give this award to Wayne,” he said. “If it was last year it would have been my award.”  It was West’s second trophy of the night, following his win for rap/hip-hop album, for Graduation. “It’s our responsibility as musicians to push music to the point it was in the ’60s and ’70s,” he said. “I want to be Elvis.”

But, for all this confusing talk about pushing music to the point where everything sounds like Freddie And The Dreamers, we shouldn’t forget that last night’s AMAs really belonged to Alvin And The Chipmunks. Hopefully this win will be the start of something huge for the group. And by that we mean a heartbreaking cover version of One Sweet Day featuring The Crazy Frog. Make it happen, chipmunks.

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