Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent.
Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate ability to point out things that are usually seen as too mundane to mention while dancing around the stage like a human spinning-top, pepped up on a cocktail of cocaine and speed. This seemed, to Simon Cowell at least, enough talent to secure him a place on the judging panel. However, it seems that he’s too nice to keep it.
What of David Hasselhoff? He’s big in Germany for his warbling singing voice, while he is best-known in this country for playing the role of the drunk, strung-out father in 80s’ TV classic Knight Rider. What will become of him and his perma-tan?
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It’s a small miracle that people who watch The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent think it’s a level playing field, when the shows are quite clearly as choreographed as WWE events. They’re not based in competition, rather, the drama of perceived competition. They are, first and foremost, television programmes: scripted, edited to within an inch of their lives and in both hugely successful franchises.
And now, the allegation of ‘FIX!’ is being thrown around again, as if the shows weren’t hugely manipulated in the first instance. It’d be a surprise if they weren’t, but we always worked under the assumption that they were rigged, and didn’t really mind (mainly because we are part of the viewing public that don’t pick up the phone to vote in such shows, thereby, investing little more than sarcasm and occasional lust).
However, feathers are flying at the moment. That’s because a supposed Sony executive has anonymously blown the whistle on this year’s Britain’s Got Talent which claims that eerie child crooner, Ronan Parke, has already ‘won’ the show.
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What do we think about Amanda Holden? Not a great deal to be honest – she’s just sort of ‘there’. Although it is difficult to look at her without remembering that she used to have regular sex with chicken enthusiast Les Dennis which is, frankly, horrible.
The fact that she also let Neil Morrissey push his winky into her foo-foo is also deeply harrowing to us. Although we suspect not as upsetting as it was to Les, who was still married to her at the time and probably still thinks about it as he sits in his damp-ridden bedsit eating cold baked beans straight from the tin before spending his evenings with a brown paper bag on his head weeping and masturbating.
Anyway.
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Britain’s Got Talent, and by God, that’s got to be sifted out somehow. They’ve got to be taken off these streets, these talented people. They’re a damn liability. They can’t keep flinging their tiny urban dancing children around like that without consequence. At some point, a poor defenceless granny is going to be trundling her week’s supply of gin and Rothmans out of the Tesco Metro and an Adidas-clad five-year-old limb will flail wildly out of a headspin and knock her eyeball right through the back of her skull.
So hooray for Britain’s Got Talent. Soon all of this year’s supply of talent will be tucked away nicely in a SyCo dungeon, out of harm’s way, where they can be safely milked for pennies until dead or demented. But it’s all change for 2011, as the AntDec chirrup in the typically bombastic opening, showcasing the success of previous winners “Carphone Warehouse Pavarotti”, “Urban Dance Troupe 1.0″, “Naked Ballet Weird”, “Er…”, and “the Wicked Witch Su-bo”; Britain’s Got Talent but America’s Got Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell’s Got Advanced Syphyllitic Insanity (he hasn’t, obviously, he hasn’t at all – he’s got hideous diarrheoa).
So We’ve Got New Judges joining Amanda “Armpits” Holden behind their big red fun-buttons – Michael McIntyre and David Hasselhoff.
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Despite the fact that Amanda Holden should technically be reclassified as an android after the mixture of human tissue to plastic, polymers, artificial tear ducts and assorted car engine parts dipped below 50% in 2010, the Britain’s Got Talent judge has announced that she is six months pregnant.
More than this, because she is so far gone, she as revealed that it is a *spoiler alert* human baby that she’s planning to give birth to.
Oh, and it’s apparently a boy. Or, conceivably, a very convincing example of a synchronous hermaphrodite, which will surely brighten up the birth no end.
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After Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek The Third, Shrek Forever After, Shrek The Halls and Shrek 4D, there clearly isn’t enough Shrek.
And that’s where Amanda Holden comes in. Apparently a musical based on Shrek is going to open in London at some point. And, because Amanda Holden has auditioned for a role, it’s apparently going to be as funny as the failed sitcom Big Top and as dramatic as that TV show about the woman who cut some people’s hair that Amanda Holden used to be in. We’ve forgotten what it was called.
And, no, we’re not going to suggest that Amanda Holden auditioned for the role of Shrek. Comparing her to a grotesque, obese green ogre with hygiene problems and zero social skills would be unfair and unkind. But, you know, if Piers Morgan isn’t doing anything, he’d probably be perfect for it.
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Don’t you ever wish you lived in Victorian times?
Minus the threat of the occasional killer disease and lack of George Foreman grills, life really wasn’t that bad. After all, northern people weren’t discriminated as much; everyone wore fancy-looking frocks and spoke like Queen Victoria.
But what about Victorian entertainment? Nowadays we submerge ourselves in online gaming where we can melt JackBauer2453’s face off with a flamethrower in a futuristic alien-smashing game. In olden times, Victorian people used to visit the local freak show, purchase some peanuts and point at the local exhibits which frequently travelled the country. Children pointed in amazement at the bearded lady, and grandparents chortled at the man whose finger had fallen off. Fast forward to our apparently sophisticated times and we can all gawp and laugh at the entertainers on Britain’s Got Talent.
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10 - Want some disturbing pictures of Lindsay Lohan‘s thighs? OK!! – Amygrindhouse
9 – Amanda Holden finds another TV show to muck up beyond comprehension – Watchwithmothers
8 - Here is a Very Good Blog About Football – TheSpoiler
7 – Warren Beatty: well done. No, seriously, well done. Your womanising actually defies the laws of physics - Asylum
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