That’s why we’re so over the moon for Alyssa Milano. According to reports, Alyssa Milano has got engaged to David Bugliari, a man who – as proved by at least one piece of photographic evidence – sometimes wears a tie and stuff.

Actually David Bugliari is an agent at the Creative Arts Agency, so hopefully his engagement to Alyssa Milano will spark off a career renaissance that takes Alyssa back to her glory years. That’s right: we’re talking Poison Ivy II: II here.

We’ve always thought that the one thing Alyssa Milano needed was a bloody good agent. There’s literally no end to Alyssa’s talents, and good representation would give her the career boost she so desperately needs.

Actually, we should clear that last sentence up a bit. What we meant was there’s no end to Alyssa Milano’s talents provided you can’t count further than ’starring in even-worse sequels to bad erotic thrillers’, ‘doing minor voiceover work in the long-forgotten direct-to-video sequel to Lady And The Tramp‘, ’starring in a TV show about witches that continued to be made for five full years after everyone stopped watching it’, ‘embarking on a wildly unsuccessful Japan-only singing career’ and something called ‘Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam Workout Video‘. But we’re straying off target.

What we’re trying to say is that Alyssa Milano’s prayers have been answered because she’s just got engaged to David Bulgiari, a man who just happens to be an agent. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as Alyssa Milano-related engagement facts go, as People reports:

Milano, 36, will marry David Bugliari, an agent at the Creative Arts Agency. The couple have been dating for more than a year. Bugliari proposed with a ring he designed that was made by Jim Lavi at Daniel Jewelry in La Jolla.  No further information about their nuptials – including a wedding date – has been announced.

OK, look, we didn’t say it was a very big iceberg. But anyway, here’s hoping that Alyssa Milano finds happiness with David Bulgiari, and that this marriage is more successful than her last, which ended in 1999. It’s not known if David Bulgiari has ever been married before, but that’s because he’s so startlingly anonymous that we doubt even members of his own family could select him from a line-up, even if the other members of that line-up consisted of nothing but wild animals and potted plants.

Incidentally, it’s being reported that Alyssa Milano got engaged to David Bulgiari on December 18. Nobody seems to know why it took three whole weeks for this news to leak out, but it isn’t because nobody cares about Alyssa Milano any more. Oh, no, wait – it is because of that. Our mistake.

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Not only did she star as Tony Danza’s midget lover on the eighties sitcom Hey You Guys, Who Is The Boss Here?, but more recently she was also in some show where she played the ghost of Shannon Doherty or something.

We thought we might have some of those details wrong, but on review everything actually looks pretty accurate. Possibly.

But just because we don’t remember the specifics doesn’t mean nobody does – one fan, for instance, just walked miles and miles through some woods to try to force an in-house meeting with her.

Sometimes 54-year-old guys just get lonely. Take our Uncle Bernie for instance – we assume he’s lonely, but that’s only because the last time we saw him he was running for an open train door with a handkerchief-stick slung over his shoulder. We haven’t heard from him since, but the travelling band of gay hobos he took up with wrote once and told us he pretty much keeps to himself.

Poor Bernie. Ever since kindergarten you could see this coming.

So we heard.

Also take Jeff Turner, a man who might not be gay or filthy, but likely expresses his emptiness by recording all of Nick at Night, probably on VHS, and then playing it back in super slow motion – pausing whenever Alyssa Milano pops on screen wearing a particularly attractive side-pony tail.

This is all assumption of course – but it certainly seems like a safe one – at least according to All Headline News:

“Former “Charmed” star Alyssa Milano has requested a temporary restraining order against an “obsessed and mentally unstable fan.” Per the court documents the actress filed on Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, Jeff Turner, 54, tried to break into her home on two occasions. He also made repeated attempts to contact Milano over the past two years…Turner’s most recent attempt to break into the 35-year-old actress’ home was on November 16, when he was confronted by her agent, David Bugliari, and her uncle, Mitch Carp. He told the two that he was a friend of the family and admitted to them that he had “bypassed around the guard gate and hiked through the woods” to get in.”

You know to be fair – Milano is a tough read. Whenever she’s on the TV in Turner’s basement apartment she probably beckons him with her eyes. Then when he does as she’s obviously telling him – which is probably something like – “Pry open one of my windows and then wait in my room until I find you comfortably lounging in my lavender bathrobe,” people freak and the cops are called. Why is it always back and forth with these women?

Milano should be thankful – at least her stalker is alive. Paula Abdul is gonna have to spend the rest of her life wondering what could have been. Why is it celebrities only want what they can’t have? Why even Jennifer Garner – there she had a perfectly nice nutter who never wanted anything more than to sniff a pair of her dirty, inside-out pants, and what does she do?

We’re not sure what she did, actually. It was probably something legal.

Don’t be a Garner, Milano – or before you know it you’ll be an Abdul. And then of course you might get billed by the city when they come by to clean up your guy’s body… and there’s the fees for the incineration – or a taxidermist should you decide to go that route. Those restraining orders can really add up fast, financially speaking.

And these are not the times for additional bills, what with the current state of Wall Street and what-not.

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