All My Sons - HecklerSpray

Tom Cruise Somehow Makes Katie Holmes’ Birthday All About Him

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The end of the play All My Sons is profoundly sad – when the family’s patriarch kills himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone celebrates with cake.

Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn’t in the script – All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where’s all this bloody cake come from?

Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes‘ 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.

Katie Holmes Does Some Acting, Seems To Think It’s A Big Deal

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

With the economy the way it is, what better way to cheer everyone up than a 61-year-old play about suicide starring Tom Cruise’s wife?

Last night, that’s what the world got – Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller‘s All My Sons. It’s a big career move for her – we’ll no longer see Katie Holmes as Tom Cruise‘s wife, but as Tom Cruise’s wife who Tom Cruise occasionally lets star in plays so long as she promises to never get more famous than him.

All My Sons is, of course, a harsh critique of the American dream and an examination of culpability in the face of death. Or at least it was – we hear that Tom Cruise was at dress rehearsal last night, and as a result the finished play has got more atomic bombs and volcanoes and evil alien overlords in it. Plus the Katie Holmes character is now locked in something called a ‘Thetan Cage’ for the entire play. We don’t know why that is.

Katie Holmes Finally Gets All Those Protests She Was Promised

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Anticipation was high for Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut last night – it means that Maggie Gyllenhaal will soon take her role and everyone’ll like the play better.

However, Katie Holmes must have also been fairly excited ahead of her debut in All My Sons – not only would it teach her critics once and for all that she was an actress to contend with, but it’d also give her plenty of chances to blink out ‘HELP ME HELP ME HE KEEPS ME LOCKED IN A CAGE HELP ME’ in Morse code to a room of understanding strangers every night.

But, of course, Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut was also exciting for the members of anti-Scientology group Anonymous, who decided to bring down Scientology once and for all by getting about 20 people to stand outside the theatre holding some signs in a sort of semi-apologetic way. Yeah, take that, Scientology.

Katie Holmes Runs Away From Tom Cruise, Maybe…While Screaming…Possibly

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Run, Katie Holmes! Run as if Dawson’s massive forehead were behind you! You’re so close to freedom!

For the first time in what seems like an ice age, Katie has escaped the clutches of everybody’s favourite evil Nazi, Tom Cruise. Scampering away to New York City with daughter Suri in tow, Holmes was free to roam as she saw fit, without the watchful eye of the Cruiser looking over her shoulder.

The official story behind her visit to NYC is that Katie Holmes is about to star in the Broadway production of Arthur Miller‘s All My Sons – but we know better. It’s an escape ploy from Katie – she’s clearly running back to the Creek: the one place she can feel truly safe from Maverick and his Scientology cronies.

Katie Holmes Signs On for Broadway Instead of Doing Nothing Else

March 25th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

The whole Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise match-up is still a mystery to a few people.

And by a few people we mean everyone on planet Earth, and most of the aliens on planet Xenu.

But everyone should just shut up and leave them alone. Katie is a strong, free woman making brilliant career moves. She turned down the Batman sequel to do Mad Money with Queen Latifah, and now it looks as if she’s signed on for Broadway.

This is exciting news for Katie. Not only will she be able pursue new career venues, but the boundaries on her electric shock collar is said to include the Starbucks next to the theatre. Hello, Paul McCartney compilation CD!