Thank Heavens an incongruous group of self-publicising celebrities are finally allowed back on Twitter and Facebook, to shill products in messages that are really ads – thank you, Khloe Kardashian.

The stars in question are some of Twitter and Facebook’s most prolific, including Kardashian sisters Kim and Khloe, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Seacrest, and the charity’s figurehead Alicia Keys. These stars were to stay ‘Digitally Dead’ from December 1, World Aids Day, until their fundraising goal of $1 million was reached. Although, there were reports of some rotters cheating.

However, things didn’t go according to plan and everything went silent for the better part of a week. Because, as it turns out, people rather prefer silent celebrities to donating.

After four days $200,000 had been reached, with the total some weeks away. Then came some further large donations, taking them to the halfway point.

And then, came all of the remaining half-a-million dollars. In one go. From one person. Revealed to be billionaire pharmaceutical mogul and philanthropist, Stewart Rahr.

Much to the chagrin of people who realised this week that silent Kardashians were the best kind, the stars have gone back online. And some children’s lives will be saved. Or something.

We’re not sure about that last part, as every one reporting today is neglecting to mention those pesky, sickly children in any detail.

Take it away, The Superficial:

After not even six whole days, the celebrities involved in the Keep a Child Alive campaign managed to convince a billionaire to donate $500,000 so they can all return to Twitter after it was starting to look like it’d be awhile until they could shill for Best Buy again. So, on that note, I took the liberty of screen-capping their post-”death” tweets so the world can see what stupid kids dying of AIDS were keeping us from. It was practically criminal.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

Rock music is in a terrible place at the moment. That’s not to say that there’s no good bands knocking around… but by shitting crikey, those that find themselves at the top of the tree are making music that is so gaspingly dull that you wonder if guitars should be outlawed or, at least used to bludgeon boring rock stars to death.

This has all been underlined by a poll which looked to decide who in the world of music made the best music to fall asleep to.

And you guessed it! The list is almost entirely made up of rock bands. Tedious, strutting twats who make music so bland that insomniacs are actually replacing their prescription drugs with vapid albums.

Topping the poll, unsurprisingly, is the world most uninteresting band – Coldplay. Coldplay have, for years, managed to take millions of years worth of human musical endeavour, and flatten it out in such a manner that it becomes offensively unoffensive.

If you look at the sheet music for a Coldplay song, you’ll just see a series of lines with barely visible lumps to signify where each tedious note it played. It’s not so much white noise, but rather, a sound so boring that you could play it full tilt in a library just to make the sound of nothing even louder.

The rest of the sleepy list (a poll carried out by a famous chain of hotels who haven’t paid for our advertising, so can piss-off if they think they’re getting a mention here) is equally beige.

Canadian boresmith Michael Buble came second, thanks to his mixture of wearisome MOR pop and irritating staccato jazz bollocks. Go listen to his version of ‘Cry Me A River’ and tell us that he doesn’t sound like someone trying to control a stutter.

Ho. Nest. Ly. All. He. Does. Is. Sing. Like. This. All. The. Piss. Ing. Time. In. An. Att. Empt. To. Sound. Like. He’s. A. Prop. Er. Swi. Ng. Sin. Ger. When. Rea. Lly. He’s. Just. A. Thing. To. Occ. U. Py. Some. Shoes.

Predictably, the churning pedestrian cement mixer rock of Snow Patrol came in third on the list. It seems that people like falling asleep to bands that sound like planes taxiing on a distant runway.

Surprisingly, Alicia Keys made an appearance on the list. Not because she’s interesting, but rather, it seems odd that insomniacs could get to sleep with such a grating and overly-sincere voice rattling around their heads. Apparently, Keys (daughter of Sky Sports presenters, Richard) has a sense of sincerity so large that she’s had to build a special extension on her house just to store it all.

Plodding up the rear with alarming predictability is Jack Johnson who makes music that is so pointless that it may was well be a probiotic yoghurt drink.

Zero 7 and Nouvelle Vague are said to be almost silent with rage at this decision and are hoping that they make the Bands You Shag To list.

Do you fall asleep to any good music? Tell us in the comments if you can keep your eyes open long enough.

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Let us be more specific. When you’re famous, it’s not the best idea to cheat on a woman who has access to the popular media/ the mental faculty to write an open letter which curses out your name. We gather cheating on one’s spouse is perfectly fine, so long as they’re illiterate or mute.

We jest. As that’s what we gather is the done thing, when discussing entitled, graceless, remorseless cheaters. Specifically cheaters who impregnate three women in the space of around four years and only acknowledge two of them. Should you be totally lost at this point, don’t worry. We’re talking about famous cheaters.

Two of the people in this mess, at least, are award-winning musicians. We know, phew. The other two are not. Which, for the most part, seems to mean public sympathy quickly reaches its limit and they should stop talking about being cheated on as soon as it’s no longer good column filler.

The main couple in all of this are the two accused of having an affair – Grammy winner Alicia Keys and her music producer husband, Swizz Beatz. To summarise, the cheating (allegations) timeline is as follows: Swizz was married to a woman called Mashonda Dean, and their youngest was only eight-months-old when Swizz’s affair allegedly began with Alicia. Yeah, baby at home and he’s sleeping with his mistress and wife. Oh, and there’s another baby mother, in the UK, Jahna Sebastian, to whom he’s yet to cough up child support.

There’s also something of note, in addition to unpaid child support, about millions he owes in back-taxes. That, and the woman he knocked up in the UK seem to be incidental in this saga. So, don’t worry your pretty little head about either of those things.

Last year, now ex-wife Mashonda called out Alicia and Swizz for their affair – something that didn’t win her a lot of fans. You see, as we mentioned earlier, these things are incidental when the one doing the cheating is famous. We gather one is supposed to loosen one’s diamond slippers and move on with their life in this scenario. Mashonda is refusing to do so. Despite calls for her to get over being cheated on, and move on with her life, she’s really doing no such thing – the big spoil sport.

She’s calling the couple out for their cheating, again. This time in rather more blunt language than last year.

Swizz married the now pregnant Alicia in a shotgun wedding that seemed to greatly appease the consciences of those involved. This has lit another fire under his ex-wife, who spoke to Sister 2 Sister Magazine (via Bossip).

Were you guys dating other people before he got with Alicia… were you guys separated: We were married. Sleeping in the same bed and having sex every night while he was seeing Alicia. Okay? It was an affair. 100 percent. I don’t know why people want to change that rule so much. We had just had a kid, for crying out loud. Our child was 8 months. I found out about Alicia two days before my son turned 1. They had been doing their thing for months before that.

And the distinct undertone, that she should just move on despite being screwed over, continues:

Why are you still speaking about the affair if you claim to have moved on: People ask me why am I still talking about this and why don’t I just leave it alone. I’m like, this is going to help somebody. My story is a universal thing. This is not just something that only happened to me: This happens to women every day. Mine was just ugly. If I can help the next woman get through and be positive, then I’m going to talk about it.

This was a blog post by Amy Grindhouse, who is actually quite famous

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Alicia Keys has gone and got herself married to a man with a very, very silly name. Yep, Keys and Swizz Beatz tied the knot and apparently, it was a surprisingly humble affair (well, relatively – they didn’t have sodden tuna mayo rolls and pineapple hedgehogs).

The pair were married in a private home on the Mediterranean and everyone cooed about just how lovely it all was.

Of course, this is a shotgun wedding as Keys is knocked up with Beatz baby. They announced their engagement and baby news in May. Okay, they may have been together for a while, but y’know… SHOTGUN.

“Whatever we’re blessed with, that baby is being born to blessed parents,” Beatz recently told PEOPLE. “Alicia is definitely one of those great parents-to-be. She’s super ready. Super glowing. Super happy.”

Even though it was a small affair, that didn’t stop some celebrities turning up. Apparently, Queen Latifah was there, alongside Bono who probably talked endlessly about some charitable cause or other whilst wearing incredibly expensive shoes and shades.

People have a picture from the day which, well, looks like every other stupid wedding photo ever taken. Click here to see it.

She wore Vera Wang or something.

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Do you remember when celebrities were primarily perpendicular?

They used to walk around like or you and I, or like particularly confused horses. They certainly weren’t known for violently pitching forwards every time they went out in public? Well, thanks to Lady Gaga those days are over, babyface. Cementing her status as the new celebrity that everyone slavishly apes every time she does something new and outrageous, like wearing a new dress made of pubic hair, or wearing a hat made of Banbury cheese and wisps of gossamer, or violating ferrets with clock hands, or whatever.

Now, following her recent collapse at an airport, everyone is hurling themselves at the floor. We’ve already seen one of the Jedward muppets fall over this weekend (admittedly, this was less to do with a desire to copy Lady Gaga, more because he was off his tits on fizzy pop and sherbet fountains, and that both of them are the most awful, uncoordinated dancers seen at Weston-Super-Mare since poking bears with heated sticks to make them merrily caper by was outlawed by an act of Parliament in 1785).

So who’s the latest to join in the hot new trend? Find out after the jump.

You clicked? Really? That was probably a mistake. Look, I know it’s Monday and you’re probably bored, sitting in the office wondering where your strictly allotted two days of fun went or why you took that girls number down wrong, and having idle dreams about going all ‘Derrick Bird’ on your co workers (too soon?) and just, God, does it have to be like this? You’re ossifying in this clean, well-lighted office where dreams go to die. But really? Staving off the passage of time by seeing who has fallen over? You should probably take a long hard look at yourself. Anyway, that said, let’s get this horrorshow over with.

Now Magazine, which is apparently Johnny-on-the-spot when it comes to celebrity tumbles (which someone should probably look into) reports firstly on Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Whatever:

Cheryl Cole reportedly fainted during a photo shoot at a north London studio on Saturday. Doctors were immediately called to the scene and told The X Factor judge, 27, she had collapsed because of severe exhaustion.

And then on Alicia Keys:

The singer – who is 5 months pregnant – tripped and fell on her back at the 16th Essence Music Festival in New Orleans on Saturday. Fortunately, Alicia, 29, quickly managed to get back to her feet and continue her performance.

See? Really nothing to add. I don’t even think the second one counts as a story actually, sorry.

Anyway, I hope you’re happy now. I truly hope your life has been enriched by wasting five minutes of your time reading something that could have been covered in a mere two short sentences - ‘That bitch of an ex-wife of national hero Ashley Cole falls over’ and ‘literally nothing happens to a woman full of babies’. See? Easy. Could have saved us both a lot of bother. Now go and stab yourself in the side of the head with a pen.

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The only thing that Celine Dion ever wanted was a family. And some teeth that didn’t look like shattered off-white crockery.

The teeth she fixed long ago. But the family? That’s been harder to achieve. But finally, after what seems like endless rounds of IFV treatments, she’s got there – Celine Dion has finally become pregnant again. And what’s more, this time she’s become pregnant with twins.

It’s truly wonderful news. Not only will Celine Dion get to raise the biological children that she’s openly longed for since 2001, but her son Rene-Charles will now get some siblings to play with. And, if we’re really lucky, the stress of motherhood will prove to be so gigantic that Celine Dion won’t release any more of her godawful music until they’ve all grown up and left home. Truly, this is a time to celebrate.

Hey, you. Yeah, you, Alicia Keys. You think you’re all clever by getting pregnant, do you? Well stop right there. Celine Dion is just as clever as you. More clever, even. Because you’re just pregnant with one baby, aren’t you Alicia? Not Celine Dion. She’s pregnant with two babies. Two identical babies who she’ll dress identically to creep people out. And don’t get big-headed about the fact that the father of your baby is called Swizz Beatz, either. If Celine Dion wanted to give her 68-year-old husband René Angelil a stupid rap name like Hungree Hip-Oh as well, she could do it like that.

We’re straying wildly off-point here. Look, Celine Dion is 14 weeks pregnant. People reports:

“I feel like I’ve been pregnant more than a year,” Dion, 42, whose previous IVF attempts had failed, said. “I never gave up. But I can tell you that it was physically and emotionally exhausting”. “Everyone knows that Céline has guts and is determined,” adds husband, René Angelil. “These treatments were truly hard on my wife’s body. It wasn’t simple at all.”

See? Celine Dion has taught us all a very important lesson here. If you want something, never give up. It may have taken six emotionally draining attempts at IVF to get there, but now Celine Dion now has the babies that she’s longed for. And that’s given us hope, too – hope that people will one day stop liking the way that Celine Dion’s voice sounds when she sings. If Celine can achieve her dream, then so the hell can we.

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This is bound to come as a shock to the millions of jailbird boyfriends she has in most of her videos.

Alicia Keys is pregnant. And engaged. We know, she moves fast that one. Celebrity etiquette dictates that she concentrate on deciding what the official compound name for her and her fiance Swizz Beatz should be - Swizicia? Alizz? Keatz? Beys? – before getting knocked up.

But Alicia Keys doesn’t care about rules. She doesn’t follow any rules, apart from the rule about only having one good song on each of her albums and filling the rest up with mawkish piano ballads that nobody will ever listen to more than once. She follows that one quite religiously.

Would you ever get engaged to Alicia Keys? Of course not – haven’t you seen any of her videos? You’ll get engaged, then you’ll argue, then you’ll storm out and commit a crime and go to jail, and then Alicia Keys will go out and plays the piano in the park in the snow with a sad look on her face. It happens every time. You can’t fight destiny that strong.

Also, would you ever get engaged to Swizz Beatz? Of course not. Imagine the wedding. Imagine having to stand in a church in front of your entire family on the most important day of your life and being forced to say “I take you, SWIZZ BEATZ” loud enough for everyone to hear. You’d instantly die of shame, wouldn’t you?

But despite all of these warnings Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats have been forced to get engaged, because Swizz Beatz knocked Alicia Keys up and that’s the law. BBC News reports:

Alicia Keys is pregnant and has got engaged to the child’s father – music producer Swizz Beatz. Representatives of the singer, 29, and her fiance – real name Kasseem Dean – confirmed the news on Thursday night. The couple plan to get married in a private ceremony later this year.

And that’s all there is to it. Apart from a suggestion that Swizz Beats records some of Alicia Keys’s labour shrieks when it’s time for her to actually give birth, because all that wailing would probably save her a bit of legwork when it comes to recording her next album.

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10 - Help! We don’t know what to think about this new band. We think we like them, but we’re not sure. Help us out, would you? - Regards

9 - What? You want video evidence of all the worst accents ever attempted in film history? Here you go - Bestweekever

8 - A model playing World Of Warcraft naked. You’re welcome, fearsome loners - PopEater

7 - What were the best and worst TV panel shows of this decade? YOU DECIDE – Watchwithmothers

6 - Like Alicia Keys? Like listening to stuff for free on the internet? You’re in luck, then – AmyGrindhouse

5 - Lesson number one: never get in a lift with a robot – Geekologie

4 – Branson‘s space-plane: just for rich arseholes? – Asylum

3 – Everything you will ever need to know about the X Factor finalists, sort of - Interestment

2 - And while we’re on the subject: X FACTOR FACE-OFF! – Popsugar

1 – If Religion Was Real. Wonderful…

Oh, we’re so disappointed. The Bond theme for Quantum of Solace has been announced, and it’s not even called Quantum of Solace.

How rubbish is that? We’d even written a demo called Quantum Of Solace in case we were asked – it goes “Hello there, I’m a quantum of solace/ I want to buy a blouse, can you direct me to Wallis?” – but no. You had to go and call the Quantum of Solace theme Another Way To Die, didn’t you.

Also, the Quantum of Solace theme tune is going to be a duet between Alicia Keys and Jack White from The White Stripes, so it’s bound to sound like an angry little witch trapped in an upturned metal dustbin. And Alicia Keys, naturally. Just so you know.

With new James Bond film Quantum of Solace set for release in a matter of months, there’s a bit of a rush on behind the scenes at the moment to make sure that it maintains the momentum started by Casino Royale two years ago.

Is it working? Not yet – the trailer for Quantum Of Solace is almost inexplicably bad, as if the producers just listlessly went down a checklist of hoary old James Bond imagery that needed to be included. And then there’s the movie’s title, which still seems like the worst combination of any three words in the English language.

But there’s always the new Bond theme. And, after Amy Winehouse dropped out of the running because she’s basically so effed on drugs that she can barely stand up, let alone think of a word that rhymes with ‘solace’, it’s time to reveal the new performers. Reuters reports:

Alicia Keys and the White Stripes’ Jack White have recorded the theme song to “Quantum of Solace.” The song, “Another Way To Die,” is the first duet in Bond soundtrack history, the studio said in a statement. White wrote and produced the song, and also played drums. The soundtrack to the movie will be released October 28 by Keys’ J Records label.

A duet between Jack White and Alicia Keys? Doing a James Bond theme tune? We can’t say we saw that one coming. But is this new Quantum Of Solace theme tune going to be good or bad? Let’s weight up the pros and cons…

PROS:

*The White Stripes are quite good, as are all the songs where Alicia Keys sounds like she’s having an orgasm halfway through.

*The song that Jack White wrote for his Coca-Cola commercial was similarly quite good – maybe he thrives on these sort of commercial commissions.

*Jack White will play the drums on Another Way To Die, therefore Meg White isn’t playing drums on Another Way To Die, therefore it won’t just go ‘boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH’ like a clockwork monkey and therefore it will be good.

*Even if the new Bond theme is a screaming atonal mess that makes blood squirt out of people’s ears it still won’t be anywhere near as bad as Chris Cornell’s Casino Royale theme tune.

CONS:

*Oh great, another James Bond song with the words ‘die’ and ‘another’ in it.

*Jack White is a big fan of the bagpipes, you know. Nobody wants a bagpipey Bond theme.

*Think of a worse combination of singers than Jack White and Alicia Keys. Cliff Richard and the lead singer from Anal Cunt. That’s literally the only one.

*If Another Way To Die features Alicia Keys, then the video is legally obligated to feature Keys arguing with her criminal boyfriend interspersed with shots of her playing piano in a snow-covered ampitheatre. That’s not very James Bondy, is it? Tsk.

*What does Another Way To Die even mean? Is the song basically going to be a list of unexpected ways that people can lose their lives? “Suffocate up a buffalo’s rectum/ Choke to death on Brian May’s plectrum/ That’s another way to diiiiiiiie!” That sort of thing? Actually, that’s quite ace. We’ve got this in the wrong column. We take it all back.

50 Cent has responded to Alicia Keys’ comments about Gangsta Rap being ‘a government ploy to convince black people to kill each other’ in the only way he knows how – via the art of inarticulate, meat-headed ramblings that miss the point entirely.

Last week we reported that Alicia told Blender magazine the murders of 2Pac and Biggie were a government conspiracy, and that all Gangsta’ rappers are basically being taken for a ride – the idiots.

Since then, Alicia Keys has issued a statement saying that her comments were “misrepresented“, but Blender spokeswoman Kate Cafaro told the Associated Press on Tuesday that “We stand by our story”.

Upon reading this it appears 50 Cent’s brain started hurting. He told The Showbuzz:

“I don’t like Alicia Keys no more…the same reason why I said that I don’t like Oprah Winfrey. I’m prejudice(d). I don’t like people who don’t like me.”

That’s quite awkward, because hecklerspray don’t like people who don’t like hecklerspray neither, and as neither we nor 50 Cent has made an official statement as to whether we like the other, we’re stuck in one hell of an apathetic quandary right here

And if there’s one thing we hates more than folk who don’t like hecklerspray, it’s non-committal, fence-sitting folk who couldn’t care either way. So, bearing that in mind, we’d like to issue the following statement:

“Hecklerspray thinks that 50 Cent represents pretty much everything that is wrong with modern society. He is an anti-intellectual, dollar-driven dullard who unfortunately – when attempting to ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’ – got rich.”

There we go – the coast is clear. We don’t like him, ergo he don’t like us. We can now move on with the story, safe in the knowledge that this’ll be about as unbiased an article as your average BNP immigration brochure.

The Neanderthal continued:

“If you don’t like the content that I write because of my experiences; I am being who I am when I am writing it. I fall into that ‘label’ as far as you considering artists creating ‘Gangsta music,’ we fall into that. If she don’t like that, (then) I don’t like that classical music shit she be doing. At some point she’s playing some shit that don’t relate to me. We listen to it and try to figure out why people actually enjoy it. I am trying to enjoy it. That statement changes my perception of Alicia Keys totally. But the magazine is standing behind it, which means they probably have a tape of her in conversation saying it. It’s just not really a bright comment anyway.”

That’s right, Fiddy, it isn’t a very bright statement at all, but ‘I am being who I am when I am writing it’ isn’t particularly Einsteinian itself, is it? There’s more:

“I think hip-hop is so competitive. I don’t think that a lot of people who judge hip-hop actually enjoy it as an art form. They aren’t into it enough to understand what they are listening to and they just hear disrespectful lyrics going back and forth and just say ‘oh they’re fighting’ … so it’s got to be negative if it’s fighting. To just make reference to what hip-hop was from the very beginning was just two artists battling. Battling turned into beefing after Biggie and Tupac passed because unfortunately that turned into real incidents in the street.”

Ah yes, we all remember that fateful day when battling turned into beefing, don’t we ladies and gentleman? It was the day that one word was changed in order to lessen the likelihood of Gangsta rappers being gunned down in the street.

But today hecklerspray is reversing all that. We don’t beef, we battle – so watch your back Curtis, cos’ we love the idea of shutting you up once and for all far. Far more than your average fat kid loves cake.

Maybe Alicia was onto something?

Read More – 50 Cent Defends “Gangsta Rap” – Showbuzz

The world today is rife with conspiracy theories like never before. There are people out there who believe 9/11 was an inside job. There are people who believe the moon landing was staged.

There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine