alicia keys - HecklerSpray

Keep A Child Alive Celebrities Are Finally Allowed Back on Twitter, Thank Heavens For That!

December 8th, 2010 By Amy Grindhouse

Thank Heavens an incongruous group of self-publicising celebrities are finally allowed back on Twitter and Facebook, to shill products in messages that are really ads – thank you, Khloe Kardashian.

The stars in question are some of Twitter and Facebook’s most prolific, including Kardashian sisters Kim and Khloe, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Seacrest, and the charity’s figurehead Alicia Keys. These stars were to stay ‘Digitally Dead’ from December 1, World Aids Day, until their fundraising goal of $1 million was reached. Although, there were reports of some rotters cheating.

However, things didn’t go according to plan and everything went silent for the better part of a week. Because, as it turns out, people rather prefer silent celebrities to donating.

Coldplay Make Music That Is So Woeful That It’s Likely To Put You Into A Coma

October 26th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Rock music is in a terrible place at the moment. That’s not to say that there’s no good bands knocking around… but by shitting crikey, those that find themselves at the top of the tree are making music that is so gaspingly dull that you wonder if guitars should be outlawed or, at least used to bludgeon boring rock stars to death.

This has all been underlined by a poll which looked to decide who in the world of music made the best music to fall asleep to.

And you guessed it! The list is almost entirely made up of rock bands. Tedious, strutting twats who make music so bland that insomniacs are actually replacing their prescription drugs with vapid albums.

It’s Only A Good Idea To Cheat If Your Mistress Is Famous and Your Wife Not

September 6th, 2010 By Amy Grindhouse

Let us be more specific. When you’re famous, it’s not the best idea to cheat on a woman who has access to the popular media/ the mental faculty to write an open letter which curses out your name. We gather cheating on one’s spouse is perfectly fine, so long as they’re illiterate or mute.

We jest. As that’s what we gather is the done thing, when discussing entitled, graceless, remorseless cheaters. Specifically cheaters who impregnate three women in the space of around four years and only acknowledge two of them. Should you be totally lost at this point, don’t worry. We’re talking about famous cheaters.

Two of the people in this mess, at least, are award-winning musicians. We know, phew. The other two are not. Which, for the most part, seems to mean public sympathy quickly reaches its limit and they should stop talking about being cheated on as soon as it’s no longer good column filler.

Alicia Keys Marries Swizz Beatz And No-one Laughs

August 2nd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Alicia Keys has gone and got herself married to a man with a very, very silly name. Yep, Keys and Swizz Beatz tied the knot and apparently, it was a surprisingly humble affair (well, relatively – they didn’t have sodden tuna mayo rolls and pineapple hedgehogs).

The pair were married in a private home on the Mediterranean and everyone cooed about just how lovely it all was.

Of course, this is a shotgun wedding as Keys is knocked up with Beatz baby. They announced their engagement and baby news in May. Okay, they may have been together for a while, but y’know… SHOTGUN.

Hot New Trend: Falling Over

July 5th, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

Do you remember when celebrities were primarily perpendicular?

They used to walk around like or you and I, or like particularly confused horses. They certainly weren't known for violently pitching forwards every time they went out in public? Well, thanks to Lady Gaga those days are over, babyface. Cementing her status as the new celebrity that everyone slavishly apes every time she does something new and outrageous, like wearing a new dress made of pubic hair, or wearing a hat made of Banbury cheese and wisps of gossamer, or violating ferrets with clock hands, or whatever.

Now, following her recent collapse at an airport, everyone is hurling themselves at the floor. We've already seen one of the Jedward muppets fall over this weekend (admittedly, this was less to do with a desire to copy Lady Gaga, more because he was off his tits on fizzy pop and sherbet fountains, and that both of them are the most awful, uncoordinated dancers seen at Weston-Super-Mare since poking bears with heated sticks to make them merrily caper by was outlawed by an act of Parliament in 1785).

So who's the latest to join in the hot new trend? Find out after the jump.

Celine Dion Is Pregnant! Pregnant With TWINS!

June 1st, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

The only thing that Celine Dion ever wanted was a family. And some teeth that didn’t look like shattered off-white crockery.

The teeth she fixed long ago. But the family? That’s been harder to achieve. But finally, after what seems like endless rounds of IFV treatments, she’s got there – Celine Dion has finally become pregnant again. And what’s more, this time she’s become pregnant with twins.

It’s truly wonderful news. Not only will Celine Dion get to raise the biological children that she’s openly longed for since 2001, but her son Rene-Charles will now get some siblings to play with. And, if we’re really lucky, the stress of motherhood will prove to be so gigantic that Celine Dion won’t release any more of her godawful music until they’ve all grown up and left home. Truly, this is a time to celebrate.

Alicia Keys: Up The Duff

May 28th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

This is bound to come as a shock to the millions of jailbird boyfriends she has in most of her videos.

Alicia Keys is pregnant. And engaged. We know, she moves fast that one. Celebrity etiquette dictates that she concentrate on deciding what the official compound name for her and her fiance Swizz Beatz should be – Swizicia? Alizz? Keatz? Beys? – before getting knocked up.

But Alicia Keys doesn’t care about rules. She doesn’t follow any rules, apart from the rule about only having one good song on each of her albums and filling the rest up with mawkish piano ballads that nobody will ever listen to more than once. She follows that one quite religiously.

WEBTHUMP! 9 December 2009

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

10 – Help! We don’t know what to think about this new band. We think we like them, but we’re not sure. Help us out, would you? – Regards

9 – What? You want video evidence of all the worst accents ever attempted in film history? Here you go – Bestweekever

8 – A model playing World Of Warcraft naked. You’re welcome, fearsome loners – PopEater

7 – What were the best and worst TV panel shows of this decade? YOU DECIDE – Watchwithmothers

Jack White & Alicia Keys Do Weirdest-Ever James Bond Theme

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Oh, we’re so disappointed. The Bond theme for Quantum of Solace has been announced, and it’s not even called Quantum of Solace.

How rubbish is that? We’d even written a demo called Quantum Of Solace in case we were asked – it goes “Hello there, I’m a quantum of solace/ I want to buy a blouse, can you direct me to Wallis?” – but no. You had to go and call the Quantum of Solace theme Another Way To Die, didn’t you.

Also, the Quantum of Solace theme tune is going to be a duet between Alicia Keys and Jack White from The White Stripes, so it’s bound to sound like an angry little witch trapped in an upturned metal dustbin. And Alicia Keys, naturally. Just so you know.