Being famous by association has ruined Ali Lohan’s school life – she’s been home-schooled ever since she was bullied by classmates because of who she was. And, for someone as naturally shy and limelight-intolerant as Ali Lohan, that bullying must have really hurt.

How do we know this? Because Ali Lohan’s been blabbering on about it to help promote her forthcoming reality TV show that’s all about Ali Lohan and her aggressively relentless pursuit of fame. Crikey, this Lohan stupidity gene really is stronger than any of us could have possibly imagined, isn’t it.

If we were to make a list of all the things we wouldn’t want to experience as a child, it’d probably include a born-again Christian jailbird father, a drunken slag of an older sister, an obnoxiously pushy mother and the constant threat of sprouting bright orange pubic hair out of our vagvag at any moment. And, if you were to put all of those factors into a Venn diagram, the exact centre point would be where 14-year-old Ali Lohan is right now.

So what better way to celebrate Ali Lohan’s monumentally screwed-up family life at the precise moment of her life when puberty’s got her all spazzed out and unpredictable than by making a reality TV show about her?

It’s no secret that a Lohan family reality TV show was on the cards, but now it’s been made horribly real. The show, entitled Living Lohan, will premiere on E! at the end of the month, and by all accounts it looks even more dimwitted than even we expected. For starters, here’s the official Living Lohan promo spot…

But that’s mostly just about Dina Lohan and her efforts to show the world that even everyone’s most outlandishly awful assumptions about her are basically rooted in fact. What about Ali Lohan? She’s a part of Living Lohan too, so it’s probably best that she sets her stool out as a hapless victim nice and early, regardless of how un-self aware it makes her look. People reports:

“A little while ago … a couple of girls in school made up a video of me and put it up on YouTube,” Ali tells PEOPLE exclusively. “They used disgusting words. Like if my mom ever heard me say that stuff, I’d be grounded for life! … They’re disgusting kids. I got really aggravated.” … Such problems are a thing of the past, now that the eighth-grader is being home-schooled. “You learn so much more. No one’s talking about you behind your back. It’s definitely easier.”

Yeah, well done. Nobody’s talking about you behind your back. Nobody’s making videos of you. We’re glad it took an internationally-broadcast reality TV series and a number of widely-distributed interviews with the press for you to get that off your chest. Well done.

Seriously, we’re hugely worried that appearing on Living Lohan is going to have a negative impact on Ali Lohan’s chances of becoming a genuinely famous teen star. After all, if she’s being followed around by a camera crew all the time, then she’s hardly going to have time to get pregnant or take pictures of her tits and publish them on the internet, is she? Where’s the foresight?

Read more:

Ali Lohan: ‘Disgusting’ Girls Ridiculed Me At School – People

Because now Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. Not a film star or a music star like Lindsay Lohan is, though, it's even better than that – Dina Lohan is going to be become a reality TV star.

E! has finally announced the production of Dina Lohan reality TV show Living Lohan. It's a wake-up call for all parents really – if you constantly push your young children into a life of showbiz until they eventually crack and become drug-addled, rehab-addicted global jokes, then maybe you can be like Dina Lohan and get a shitty reality TV show that hardly anyone's going to watch anyway too. Live the dream, parents!

Although she's made it her business to dine on the flesh of Lindsay Lohan, Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. She just never had the breaks. That's why, almost from the second that she gave birth, Dina Lohan started training Lindsay Lohan to be the singer and actress superstar extraordinaire that she never was.

But now that Lindsay Lohan's career has hit the skids in a frenzy of arrests and stints in rehab and awful movie choices and desperate nudity, it's time for Dina Lohan to slam Plan B into action. That's right, Dina Lohan always knew that she'd eventually push Lindsay to the brink of self-destruction, so she gave birth to a back-up Lohan just in case.

And this Plan B back-up Lohan is going to form the basis of new E! reality show Living Lohan, which is going to be broadcast this summer. MSNBC reports:

The show, tentatively titled “Living Lohan,” will take viewers inside the Lohans’ Long Island home to follow Dina as she works double duty as mom and manager for Ali’s blossoming singing/acting career. “The Lohans are one of the most intriguing families in the entertainment industry today,” Lisa Berger of E! said. “This is a family that knows how to roll with the punches and come out on top. Dina is an incredibly hard-working, passionate mom that I think our viewers will find both relatable and highly entertaining.”

Finally! A show that will teach us how Dina Lohan managed to raise Lindsay to be such a well-rounded, normal, non-attention-seeking non-arsehole. And what's more, it looks like we'll get to see all of these spellbinding techniques repeated again on another one of Dina Lohan's young children. Maybe, if we're lucky, the Living Lohan cameras will be there when Ali Lohan's mind snaps under the pressure and she starts sleeping with strangers in an attempt to paper over the insecurities and low self-esteem issues that her pushy mother and successful sister have forced onto her. Here's hoping!

Don't start checking the TV listings for Living Lohan yet, though, because a) it's not on for a few months and b) it might not even be called Living Lohan when it's broadcast. The title might get changed to something a little more honest, like Watch This Show About The Pointless Old Lady For Long Enough And You Might See Lindsay Lohan Acting Weird For A Couple Of Seconds. Or something.

Read more:

Dina Lohan’s reality show to debut in summer – MSNBC