After Harry Potter's penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen's little brother.
And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen – brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course – to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.
