Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that we can’t possibly top yesterday’s Eurovision profile.

And you’re right. We can’t. Yesterday we profiled the worst Eurovision song in history, and nothing can come close to even equalling its magnificent awfulness. But here’s the next best thing – the favourite to win Eurovision. Relax, though – it’s performed by a child who’ll you’ll probably want to injure.

Here, then, is the Eurovision 2009 profile for Alexander Rybak from Norway…

Norway · Alexander Rybak, Fairytale

Believe what you read and you’d think that Norway had this year’s Eurovision Song Contest all sewn up. After all, it’s a little bit Irish-sounding, it’s written and performed by an impossibly young handsome international star and musical polymath and it got more selection votes than any other song in Norwegian history. But look a little closer at Alexander Rybak. Look at all the precocious confidence in his cocky little voice. Look at the carefree way he throws back his shoulders. Look at the unnaturally thick flop of his hair. Alexander Rybak, friends, is nothing more than the Norwegian Ray Quinn. And as such he must be stopped. Stopped, you hear? STOPPED!

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