The curse of Celebrity Big Brother is rearing its ugly head again as former contestants and professional divorcees Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton announce that they think they’re ready to reproduce.

Jordan’s former fella spread the word via one of those glossy lady rags that you see in your dentist’s waiting room, but would never pick up because there’s a picture of Alex Reid on the cover trying his best to look like he’s still a cage-fighter…

…or vaguely relevant.

According to Reid, who’s been dating Chantelle for less than 6 months, Houghton is, “the one.” He didn’t clarify whether he meant romantically or in more of an intellectual capacity, but for arguments sake we’ll just assume he meant he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with a woman who secretly arranged for photographers to follow her and her ex, Rav Wilding, around, just so that she’d get some column inches.

The lawyers have informed us that we should probably point out that it’s only alleged that Chantelle had the paparazzi follow her around, but let’s be honest, we all know it was true.

So, with a cross dressing cage fighter and an equally imbecilic former Paris Hilton impersonator for parents, what can we expect from this imminently arriving celebrity sprog?

First off, upon exiting the womb the baby will be expected to sign an exclusivity deal with both OK! Magazine and Channel 5, ensuring that every word, step, burp and bowel movement will be documented live for our entertainment. It’ll be like the Truman Show, but with a disturbing sexual undertone.

Secondly, the baby is going to be stupid and we blame the parents. Let’s face it, Reid and Houghton have probably spent more time on a sun bed than they have curled up with a good book.

Thirdly, it’s inevitable that Alex and Chantelle, or Alelle as we are now to call them, will be voted as celebrity parents of the year. Despite the fact the child was quite obviously just a PR stunt that they’ll end up dumping 6 months later, like the proverbial kitten in a sack.

Good luck Alex and Chantelle. May the fruit of your loins be every bit as charismatic and loveable as you are.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Relax, the vile Alex has left the building. She’s gone and better off forgotten, to be honest.

She had been favourite with Paddy Power to go first this Friday, but now there will be no vote eviction at all. But there is a downside to that…

Alex being hauled out for being continually offensive to her fellow housemates means the fake Italian slimeball Mario (really called Shaun) looks safe for another week.

But, hang on, there is hope. Paddy Power are offering odds of 5/4 that Mario is the next to go. And that’s a day I really can’t wait for.

Elsewhere in the house, I’m intrigued by the flowering relationship between Becky and Luke. These two are as mis-matched as a pair could possibly be. But are my eyes deceiving me? Does top-heavy Becky have a bit of a crush on the skinny northerner?

Other housemates are beginning to notice it, too. Oh how cute. It’s like a primary school crush. “Mummy, me and Luke are going to get married one day.”

“Are you Becky, that’s nice dear? Now eat up your cheerios, darling. It’s almost time for school.”

Luke (11-4) is currently second favourite with Paddy Power to win the show, while Becky is sitting rather comfortably at 16-1. If they hook up their status might well rise further and finally that annoying Kat might be knocked off the top spot.

But there is someone else making a stealthy case for outright winner. And that’s Rex, the 24-year-old chef. At 18-1, he has many friends in the house and is unlikely to face eviction until the final weeks of the show.

However, Rex might need some geography lessons when he gets out of there. I did enjoy his remark about the housemates maybe getting Chinese takeaway on hearing the song Turning Japanese… And from a chef, too!

So, two down and 11 weeks to go. Oh, don’t you just love it. Well done BB for getting rid of Evil Edna. Now let’s see everyone else flourish…

By Richard Hughes

Mohamed is “massively confused” apparently, according to Alexandra.

Well, let me tell you Alex, no-one else is. You’re going on Friday and it’s about time too! Click here to find out Paddy Power’s odds.

She is unbelievable. While admitting that, yes, she has been smoking and drinking in the house, Alex insists she is a strict Muslim.

Not so bad, we admit. However, she still has the nerve to then berate Mohamed for “cross dressing” (her words). While considering the fact that she would be offended about someone else dipping their fingers into a cookie jar and taking a bigger portion than she deemed fit, then I think that about takes the biscuit…

Nine nominations from 15 housemates about says it all. If she has a game plan, it’s a shit one. If she doesn’t, then she’s custard (creamed).

However, I detest Mario, I want him out now. Bring back Steph. Alex has two faces and neither of them are particularly attractive.

Mario is sad, creepy and slightly suspect. But Alex is plain horrible. Horrible to the point of being offensive. Really offensive. Get her out now.

And while we’re at it, let’s hope she doesn’t have an eviction audience, so that she really gets the message.

Having said that. She did come up with the one of the best comedy moments of the series so far… “Take your bra off Mohamed, take your bra off…” Then the laughter to dissolve any awkward situation

She obviously fancies him bi-time, I mean big-time… Sorry typo! Get voting and betting at Paddy Power now.

By Richard Hughes

Outrageously two-faced Alexandra’s time in the house must be up.

Surely it’s all over for the whining cow. Let’s get rid as soon as she’s up for eviction. But hang on, Paddy Power thinks she might walk (4/1).

Now wouldn’t that be a bonus. We could get rid of Mario too then.

These two need to go as soon as possible. They are beyond entertaining now.

They have become galling to watch. Alexandra’s outburst about housemates talking behind other housemates’ backs highlighted her obvious insanity, while Mario has reached all-time record-breaking levels of creepiness this week.

Watching him sitting in the bath with his products and his anti-trophy wife exfoliating was quite disgusting. Not for the first time this series, that man made me feel ill.

And yesterday, for the first time, I actually felt sorry for Lisa. Okay, she did look horrible in that lipstick, but his reaction on seeing her was priceless.

“What you got on your face love. It doesn’t suit you, you look like the Joker.”

Of course, he was right. But it was her quick turn and “I’ll take it off then” that surprised me. God it must be fun in their house.

“You’re not going out like that”, “It’s time you went to bed love, you need your beauty sleep”, “Stick a porno on love, the old man needs to see some action.”

“Yes Mario, yes Mario, yes Mario. Three bags full Mario. Shall I have another tit job Mario?”

So he can go. And so can vile backstabbing Alex. Her cohort has finally seen through her. Sylvia has finally realised it’s time to disassociate herself from Evil Edna.

And Dean was spot on when he told Big Brother he only thought she was being nice because nominations were due.

She thinks – no – knows in her twisted head she’s right all the time, when in fact she’s hardly ever on the same page as anyone else.

My favourite moment of the last couple of days was when she asked by Kat what was being cooked. “Shepherd’s pie,” she snapped back,” adding: “Or cottage pie as Rex insists on calling it.”

Rex, who was standing cooking behind her quickly pointed out: “It’s cottage pie. Shepherd’s pie is lamb and cottage pie is beef.”

For once, she didn’t have an answer. Hurrah.

Mind you, if it’s quotes you’re after, my favourite of the week so far is Luke’s: “We licked all those crisps for jack all.”

Luke’s fast becoming gold dust. And his Paddy Power odds to win are still 3\1 and he will surely overtake Kat sooner or later. The more annoying she gets, the sooner it’s likely to be. C’mon Luke, keep it up son.

Story by Richard Hughes