Parade has always felt as though it were one of the more benign of the women’s magazines. It appears to avoid some of the sleazier bylines of the younger magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.

Gone are sub-headings about nifty ways to snare a mate without being slapped with a restraining order. Gone are articles about how to put out on the first date like a good little alpha-female whose moral compass has been carefully whittled over the years thanks to dozens of Sex and the City re-runs.

Seems all of those years of playing sexual second-fiddle to the more overt magazines is taking its toll on Parade. The magazine is biting back and calling a slightly odd selection of celebrities promiscuous, in an attempt to get its sexy back.

On the cover of the new issue of Parade is Barbra Streisand. Yes, Barbra Streisand. Not an easy target, or someone who will lure money right out of a consumer’s wallet using their sexy-face (yes, we’re talking to you Megan Fox). In the publication, Parade released the results of its Summer 2009 Pop Culture Poll. For the most part the poll just has some delightful titbits you may otherwise struggle to get through your day without; for example, Michelle Obama is the biggest trendsetter, and Brad and Angelina are the sexiest couple.

The questions in the poll manage to be inoffensive, save for one oddity.

Can someone please explain to us and the equally bemused beauties over at Jezebel what on earth a poll in Parade is doing with a ‘Who do you think is the most promiscuous celebrity?’ category? What on earth is any magazine doing asking its readers who the biggest celebrity skank is? We’re all for calling celebrities out on their shortcomings, but what the hell Parade? What the hell!

The question is bizarre. As are the options one has to choose from. The celebrities the magazine ask you to rank in order of skankiness are Paris Hilton, Kate Hudson, John Mayer, Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson and A-Rod.

The only one of these people not in a relationship to mind is John Mayer. However, they have all been in fairly long-term relationships at one point or another. For example, Kate Hudson and A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) are currently dating each other, which you would think would be enough to get them both off the list.

Paris Hilton has done a lot to earn the nickname Parasite, but in all fairness, she is usually in a relationship and is currently demonstrating her non-hoeness by dating the same guy she ditched earlier in the year. Lindsay Lohan is in an on-again-off-again jaunt into lesbianism, but she is in something of a monogamous relationship. Lastly, Pamela Anderson has been living in white-trash bliss with some dude (who we cannot bring ourselves to care about as he is not famous) for quite some time now.

Rather than scrape the barrel and resort to name-calling that is better left to websites called snappy things like hecklerspray, perhaps Parade should stick to knitting patterns and summer polls that don’t call out obvious targets like celebrities for their questionable moral standing. Poor form Parade. Poor form.

This was a guest blog by the supreme almighty Amy Grindhouse.

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But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

Keep it to yourself, but the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna might have actually been quite a good idea in retrospect. While they were married, Guy Ritchie made some of the worst films in history and Madonna… well, she made some of the worst films in history too, but there’s nothing particularly new about that.

But since the divorce, everything has changed. There’s a fighting chance that Guy Ritchie’s new Sherlock Holmes movie won’t be an absolute dogturd, and Madonna seems revitalised by her new freedom. Not only is she openly discussing her feelings now, but it seems like she’s edging her supposed relationship with Alex Rodriguez closer and closer into the public eye.

True, Madonna isn’t spending Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, but yesterday she gave him the next best thing – a front row seat at her Sticky And Sweet concert in Miami. And one of the good seats, too – one where where you can see every vein pulsing in her labia underneath whatever borderline-illegal excuse for a leotard she’s decided to wear.

More than that, though, Madonna also treated Alex Rodriguez to something that literally dozens of gay South African men would kill for – she personally serenaded him. According to reports, as well as exchanging shy little glances through the concert, Madonna kept her eyes trained on Alex Rodriguez throughout the duration of You Must Love Me, welling up with tears when A-Rod smiled back at her.

By the way, we’re not sure if Madonna chose You Must Love Me because the title forms part of her sci-fi brainwashing of Alex Rodriguez or not. We’re guessing she did, because she similarly maintained eye contact with Rodriguez throughout two new songs: Hey, How About A Bit Of Foreplay Now And Again and Take The Rubbish Out, Slave.

Anyway, tender unspoken dedications weren’t the only thing that Madonna had in store for Alex Rodriguez during her concert. May we present to you the single most nightmarishly disgusting sentence ever published on hecklerspray, courtesy of The New York Daily News:

In a couple of hotter moments, Madge gyrated in A-Rod’s direction while winking at him and later went pneumatic on a speaker while staring his way.

Pneumatic. Gyrated. Winking. Bleurgh. We’d just like to apologise for any nausea, mental dislocation, shrieking night terrors, exploding eye haemorrhoids, dizziness, murderous rages or gout brought on by that last sentence. Remember, the New York Daily News wrote it, not us.

Still, though, so long as Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are happ… no. No we can’t do it. No funny last sentence here – we’re genuinely going to vomit. Sorry.

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And because of this, Madonna won’t be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it’s because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier.

But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who’s bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That’s got to sting a bit.

This Thanksgiving will be the first one in ages that Madonna and Guy Ritchie won’t spend as a married couple. The knock-on effects of that are huge. It means that Guy Ritchie won’t have to eat a gigantic turkey dinner, and can settle for the 14 giant turkey dinners that he usually has at every mealtime regardless of the day, the greedy cockney fool.

And as for Madonna? Well, she’s free to spend her Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, the man rumoured to have played some part in the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie split. You’ll remember, of course, that Alex Rodriguez is the man who apparently ran out on the birth of his second child to meet Madonna because Madonna brainwashed him into thinking that she was his ‘fucking soulmate’. He’s obviously a highly intelligent gentleman.

Well, now that her divorce saga is finally over, Madonna can make this Thanksgiving a celebration of her new-found freedom and the love that she apparently has for Alex Rodriguez. They can cook a huge Thanksgiving meal together that Rodriguez can eat and Madonna can lick a molecule of before whining to her personal trainer about it and then doing tantric sit-ups for nine hours to burn off the calories.

Except, despite what’s been reported, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together at all. People reports:

“He always had every intention of spending the holiday with Cynthia, the family, and his two daughters. There was never any intention of him flying back. The allegations regarding this trip to New York [to be with Madonna] couldn’t be anything farther from the truth”. A-Rod is planning on having dinner with Cynthia and their two children Tuesday night.

So, in short, something you didn’t know was happening isn’t happening. You may let this news affect your life in whichever manner you see fit.

But still, at least you know that however you are or aren’t spending Thanksgiving, at least you know yours will be better than Alex Rodriguez’s. Unless you happen to be spending it sitting around a table in icy silence with a woman who clearly hates every fibre of your body and some children who want to know why daddy doesn’t love them any more, in which case your Thanksgiving will be identical to Alex Rodriguez’s.

But don’t think that Madonna will be upset about this Thanksgiving shun because, as she so clearly stated, she works too hard to be upset about anything. And if she doesn’t happen to be working over Thanksgiving? When then she’ll be too busy, um, being a bit lonely to be upset. Does that work?

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Well tough luck, because Alex Rodriguez doesn’t care about what you want at all. In fact, Alex Rodriguez hates you so much that rather than drag the divorce from his estranged with Cynthia out for months and months of hateful squabbling, he’s decided to quickly and privately reach a confidential settlement with her instead. The great big tosspot.

Still, at least now that Alex Rodriguez is properly divorced he’s free to chase after his soulmate Madonna. Or, if Madonna still hasn’t left Guy Ritchie yet, the nearest alternative – the wizened old lady who lives near him and sits on the park bench playing with herself all day. Go hit that, A-Rod.

As non-followers of American sports, we never really knew who Alex Rodriguez was – we think he’s the fifth back quarter for the New York Antelopes in the National Conkers League, but that’s a guess – until all that stuff about him and Madonna got out.

For those with either short memories or impressively effective tosh filters installed in their brains, it was widely reported earlier in the year that Madonna and Guy Ritchie were splitting up – reports apparently backed up by rumours that Madonna and Alex Rodriguez were having it off.

While Madonna’s marriage managed to withstand the claims, Rodriguez’s marriage didn’t. Incensed by reports that Alex Rodriguez called Madonna his “fucking soulmate” – and possibly by the way that Rodriguez ran off to be with Madonna about 30 seconds after the birth of his own child – his wife Cynthia Rodriguez started divorce proceedings. And maybe a bunk-up with Lenny Kravitz, too, although God knows what all that was about.

The stage was set. One one hand was a superstar athlete, on the other hand was the furious mother of his children and on the third had was a 50-year-old woman with a Nazi fixation and a number of leotards that don’t quite cover up her clodge properly. It was going to the divorce to end all divorces.

Except it wasn’t, because Alex Rodriguez has just decided to give his wife some cash, she’s decided to accept and everyone seems happy. Rubbish. The New York Post reports:

Yankee superstar A-Rod and his long-suffering wife slugged it out quickly and quietly – and now have reached a settlement to end their troubled marriage, a source told The Post last night. “They reached a settlement agreement,” said the source close to Alex Rodriguez. “It was very amicable.” The terms were not immediately disclosed.

Oh come on? Cynthia Rodriguez doesn’t even hate her ex-husband enough to string it out for a bit more? Christ, that’s pathetic. We were expecting something at least equivalent to the whole $3000 a month on porn Christie Brinkley divorce.

What could have happened? Maybe Cynthia was right all along, and Madonna can brainwash people. Maybe Madonna got to her, too, before she could reveal anything too spectacular. Still, at least we know that we’re safe from Madonna’s brainwashing. She’ll never got to uszzzz…

Madonna is good. Madonna’s new album Hard Candy is still in stores. Buy it. It’s good.

Just joking. It’s shit.

If you said ‘the last thing you would want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while at the same time dealing with a particularly expensive divorce would be to donate $500,000 to said high-profile person’s charity’ then you would be correct. You would also have used an overly wordy response. But you would be right, and we won’t take that away from you.

It would seem that this was yet another lesson in the world of today that Alex ‘A-Rod’ Rodriguez was never taught, seeing as he’s only ruddy well gone and agreed to donate half a million dollars to Madonna’s charity, Raising Malawi, while he’s both rumoured to be more than friends with Madge and is part way through E-vorcing his wife. Which is costing him a lot of money.

He could at least have waited a bit, the big, silly, baseball man.

But no, A-Rod is probably too far gone in his brainwashing to turn Madonna down, seemingly feeling that he has to pay the money out right now. But all is not lost for the baseball supremo, as it would seem the mind-warping kabbalah hasn’t completely broken down his resolve. Speaking to the New York Daily News, a source said:

“They’ve asked him for a million dollars, and I hear he’s agreed to give at least $500,000.”

So unless it’s some kind of evil kabbalah test to see how well A-Rod’s mind has handled the brainwashing, it would seem the man is still in control of some of his faculties. His financial ones, at least.

The charity in question which Rodriguez donated to is Madonna’s pet project, aiming to get schools built in Malawi. While it has been denied that these schools will be kabbalah brainwashing centres, there is still the chance that their function is to either train these children to be gap-toothed hags with no talent, or possibly just big men who hit things with sticks for a living. Or even gap-toothed hagmen with no talent who hit things with sticks for a living, while wearing leotards that bit too tight.

A chilling thought, we’re sure you’ll agree.

We can get one thing from all of this though – if A-Rod reads this story, which he’s sure to do as hecklerspray is a worldwide phenomenon, he may finally pick up on at least one of life’s lessons. In future, Alex, if you’re trying to deny any kind of relationship with Madonna, just don’t donate half a million dollars to her.

It’s a simple one and we know it can be easy to overlook, but take the point on board and make sure you don’t make the mistake again. Discretion being the better part of valour, and all that guff.

Unless you want to donate $500,000 to make Guy Ritchie just go away forever. That we would heartily recommend.

So it’s a good thing that celebrity divorces are full of such fun and delights to keep us all entertained, helping us forget that the whole experience can be physically and mentally exhausting, as well as devastating on an emotional level.

Thank Thor then, as it would seem that A-Rod’s divorce is something of a trailblazer when it comes to this new breed of entertaining divorces, or e-vorces, as we’re not really going to call them. And for once it’s not all down to the involvement of Madonna.

Yes, the man who is famous because he hits balls with a stick is in the throes of a divorce to get away from his wife, C-Rod, or whatever she’s called. Far from being the dull, lifeless and thoroughly heartbreaking incident that divorce normally tends to be, this one has been full of fun and surprises for the whole family.

Who could forget the evil mind control Madonna apparently used on A-Rod? The fact that the ancient pop-harpy is his effing soulmate? Or, more recently, the involvement of Black Ops specialists, MI6 and the CIA, in trying to help A-Rod’s side of the divorce case?

Brilliant.

But, as with everything that’s ever happened in the world, the goodness runs out. The entertainment fades. The curtains draw. And now we’re left with Alex Rodriguez and his soon-to-be-ex wife Cynthia bickering in semi-private over some petty little details. They’re not even blowing things out of proportion, or going to court and doing the public service of answering embarrassing questions. It’s so selfish of them.

Yes, we’re back to the gold standard of any divorce case – money, who gets it, whether he actually cheated on her, who gets the kids and the matter of a pre-nuptial agreement. She wants money, joint custody and for him to admit he was the master of infidelity.

He wants his money, his kids, his house and to ignore the infidelity claims.

Can’t we even get one more ridiculously overblown story out of this? Hopefully involving another strange religion, a bit more of Madonna and her gap-toothed mug and possibly some allegations of inappropriate use of a baseball bat? That would make the whole thing far more entertaining for us at hecklerspray.

And obviously that’s what really matters here – entertainment value.

But what about Madonna? Is she waiting outside the courthouse ready to lock A-Rod in a hypno-mesma-stare of doom, thus finally stealing him away forever? Alas, no, she’s attending some kind of spiritual marriage guidance, probably involving space rays or something, to try and stay with her beloved hubby Guy Ritchie… sorry, we can’t help but snigger at that.

Best of luck to all involved. We sincerely hope something monumentous occurs, so we can all have a good hard laugh about it. We were getting used to the world of e-vorces (sorry), now it seems to have gone a bit… well… normal.

Shame.

However, very few of us have seen what Madonna is actually like during real sex – something few of us would wish to change. But now something has come along that threatens to shatter our cocoon of not knowing how Madonna has sex forever – a man is claiming he’s in possession of a Madonna sex tape.

Wait, wait – don’t freak out just yet. This alleged Madonna sex tape is supposedly between Madonna and Alex Rodriguez! There’s not a sniff of Guy Ritchie anywhere! That means, at absolute worst, the Madonna sex tape will only be appalling enough to make your eyeballs burn up and pop. You won’t actually die from watching it.

This whole love nonspecific polygon that’s apparently going on between Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Alex Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez’s wife, Lenny Kravitz and anyone else who manages to blindly stagger into this sordid middle-aged flesh party is starting to take its toll on those involved.

Alex Rodriguez is getting divorced from his wife, Madonna is said to be on the brink of a physical and emotional breakdown and last week Guy Ritchie actually wrote a line of dialogue that wasn’t hackneyed or derivative at all. This madness has to stop. It has to stop before Guy Ritchie makes an entire film that sort of makes some amount of sense!

But it’s not going to stop, is it? We’re already so far in, what with Madonna brainwashing A-Rod with Kabbalah and A-Rod proclaiming Madonna to be his soulmate and all. The one thing we can console ourselves with, at least, is the fact that Alex Rodriguez and Madonna supposedly only had an affair of the heart. There wasn’t any sex going on whatsoever. Nope. No siree.

What’s that? Someone’s got their hands on a sex tape? A Madonna sex tape? A secretly-filmed Madonna sex tape that shows her grinding away on top of Alex Rodriguez like your nan on one of those beer garden bucking bronco rides? We think we speak for everyone when we say this: ugh. Digital Spy reports:

The video, which was reportedly filmed by a hidden camera, apparently features the veteran popstar sleeping with Rodriguez. A source commented: “If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. He would be prima facie guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he’d be going to jail for a few years. Even if the video existed it would probably be seized by the courts.”

Right, so let’s get this straight – the Madonna sex tape, if it exists at all, was probably filmed in a legally dubious way and will therefore probably never find its way into public. Oh.

Is that a good or a bad thing? Probably a little bit of both, we’d imagine. Although it would be reassuring to know that the Madonna sex tape was in circulation – in case we needed to spook our children out of having sex forever or induce a bout of bulimic post-meal vomiting, for instance, it’s probably best that it’s kept under lock and key.

After all, imagine strolling home from a nice dinner out and realising that some evil genius has beamed the Madonna sex tape onto the surface of the moon. That really would be quite the faux pas.

Oh yeah, that’s right – marital espionage. Luckily Alex Rodriguez’s soon-to-be ex-wife Cynthia has cottoned onto this and decided to accuse Alex of having her followed and tapping her phone.

If it’s true and Alex Rodriguez has been spying on Cynthia’s movements, it’s a pretty low thing to do. Imagine if Cynthia secretly bugged Alex – he wouldn’t like it very much, would he? Of course, it’d be easy for him to tell – if Cynthia was eavesdropping all the conversations between A-Rod and Madonna, then she’d have ended up being brainwashed into joining a spurious-looking religion as well. Foolproof.

Madonna’s always had a lot to answer for, you know – whether it’s all the bad movies she’s been in or the way she’s started widespread teen crazes like getting off with black Jesuses or having a wank near the Pope – but this time she’s gone too far. This time Madonna has got us interested in a divorce between two celebrities we really couldn’t give a sloppy plop about.

By which we mean the divorce between Alex Rodriguez, an American netball player or something, and his wife Cynthia. They’re getting divorced, in part, because Madonna might have used the ancient magic of Kabbalah to seduce him into thinking she was his effing soulmate. And now we’ve cracked the door to have a peek at Alex Rodriguez’s divorce, we’ve been floored by the Jumanji-style tidal wave that’s poured through.

This time, Cynthia Rodriguez is trying to make Alex Rodriguez admit that he’s been spying on her to try and spice up his side of the divorce. E! Online reports:

According to a routine motion filed last week in Miami-Dade Circuit Court, Cynthia Rodriguez is asking for any tape recordings, photographs, reports from investigators and all other evidence of shadowing “or other electronic surveillance conducted by [Alex] or others on [his] behalf.”

We’re praying just about as hard as we can that Alex Rodriguez didn’t spy on his wife, because there’s only one event that we can imagine he’d want to spy on – Cynthia Rodriguez’s jaunt to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. And the connotations of one grown man paying another grown man to try and take pictures of Lenny Kravitz having sex is just too gruesome to contemplate.

Hopefully this whole spying thing will be nipped in the bud now, because we don’t want to get a few months down the line and discover that Madonna’s been paying someone to wiretap Guy Ritchie’s phone as well. Forcing someone to listen to Guy Ritchie relentlessly droning on about his new movie probably constitutes torture, we’d imagine.

However, Madonna is adamant that she definitely didn’t break up the marriage of New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. In her divorce papers, Cynthia is claiming that Alex and Madonna’s ‘affair of the heart’ was the event that pushed their marriage beyond repair.

But Madonna has point blank denied that she had an affair of the heart with Alex Rodriguez. And we agree with Madonna. After all, an affair of the heart would suggest some sort of emotional involvement and, having seen Swept Away, we know only too well that Madonna isn’t that great at emotions. Now, if they’d claimed an affair of the fanny it’d be a different story entirely.

Madonna loves media attention when it’s about something she can control, like jiggling around on a giant glittery crucifix in front of a bishop or whatever. But when the media focuses on something that Madonna wouldn’t like it to focus on – like the current furore over her alleged affair with Alex Rodriguez or the way the skin on her hands looks like it’s made of old scrotums – then you have a very miserable Madonna indeed.

To recap Madonna’s current alleged love pentagon for those of you who’ve been lucky enough to avoid it so far – Madonna and Guy Ritchie might be on the verge of a divorce, which might be because Madonna could have had an affair with Alex Rodriguez, whose wife has just filed for divorce and run off with Lenny Kravitz. There’s probably also some religious brainwashing going on, too, but we’re not sure how relevant that is.

Clear? Good. Now dismiss that entire last paragraph from your mind, because Madonna says it’s all a load of bollocks.

In her divorce papers, Cynthia Rodriguez cites the ‘affair of the heart’ that Madonna had with her husband as the moment that she knew her marriage was over. However, Madonna’s fairly certain that she didn’t have an affair of the heart, primarily because she had her heart surgically replaced with a spare vagina 15 years ago. The Sun reports:

A source involved in his divorce battle revealed last night: “Madonna’s outraged. She told his wife Cynthia’s lawyers not to make any more statements about her – in short, shut up.” Lawyers say his association with Madonna, 49, is NOT sexual. But a US TV station still mocked up how a love child might look.

The tension between all the key players is getting to be unbearable, isn’t it? And all this talk of ‘affairs of the heart’ has kick-started a number of public debates about the point where friendship ends and infidelity begins, too.

It might seem like a silly squabble involving an overpaid athlete and an annoying popstar for now, but this divorce might actually end up setting an important precedent or two about emotional faithfulness.

Not that we give a toss, though – these days we only care about divorces that involve men spending $3000 a month on porn. Come back and talk to us when that happens.

]]> http://www.hecklerspray.com/madonna-narked-off-about-this-a-rod-affair-talk/200815146.php/feed 2 http://www.hecklerspray.com/a-rods-wife-gets-all-divorcey-sort-of-blames-madonna/200815095.php http://www.hecklerspray.com/a-rods-wife-gets-all-divorcey-sort-of-blames-madonna/200815095.php#comments Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:00:29 +0000 Stuart Heritage http://www.hecklerspray.com/?p=15095 Marriages come to an end for all sorts of reasons, but one of the biggest is suspecting that your husband's been brainwashed into having sex with a gap-toothed 50-year-old.

And that appears to be the thing that's brought an end to the marriage between Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. She's just filed for divorce from Alex following claims that he's been involved in a bunch of secret extramarital Kabbalah nooky sessions with Madonna.

Madonna denies any romantic involvement with Alex Rodriguez, but it seems like Cynthia isn't taking the bait. She'll win her man back, that's for sure – she just needs to become the sort of woman that A-Rod likes these days first. Just watch him come running back once she's botoxed her face into total paralysis and had several metres of grotesque artificial vein surgically implanted under the skin of her arms!

As we speak, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are continuing on their hapless 'look, we're still a couple' tour of suitably public spaces – going out to dinner together, praying together, trying to gaze into each other's eyes without vomiting together – but it's fooling nobody. It might be true, but who's going to believe that Madonna's marriage is stable when all the other rumours are so flipping hilarious?

You know the rumours we're talking about – the one where Madonna has been secretly boning Alex Rodriguez after hypnotising him into the sack with the power of Kabbalah, or the one where Cynthia Rodriguez retaliated by thinking "Well, if you can have it off with an old-aged singer who's constantly declining in cultural relevancy, so can I" and ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz.

As unlikely as all of that sounds – it's hard to think that anyone, even Madonna, can use an ancient Jewish religious text as a seduction tool – now all kinds of weight has been added to those rumours, because Cynthia Rodriguez has filed for divorce from A-Rod, citing his 'long period of infidelity'.

Or, to put it in a much more amusing way, let's quote Alex Rodriguez's former trainer Dodd Romero:

“Alex, God bless him, is lost. I think he got pulled in by the dark side, if you can say that nicely. He’s totally brainwashed….[Cynthia] believes that is what ruined the marriage.” 

You're thinking about Madonna's dark side, aren't you? You're imagining that it's a euphemism for bum sex, aren't you? No? It's just us again? Seriously?

Anyway, news of this divorce looks set to spark off a fiercely-fought battle for the custody of the Rodriguez kids. It'll be a close-run thing, because there's not a court in the land who'd be able to choose between a father who allegedly abandoned his youngest daughter right after she was born for a cosy night in with Madonna and a mother who abandoned her shortly afterwards so she could go on a cosy break to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. They're both clearly brilliant parents.

But we're just presuming that Alex Rodriguez's marriage has crumbled because of a sexual encounter with Madonna. We could be completely wrong – after all, Guy Ritchie can give Madonna so much more than Rodriguez ever could. How can a multimillionaire athlete ever compete with a spuddy-looking bloke who can cast Madonna in a woeful direct-to-DVD romantic comedy movie whenever he likes? Exactly – Guy wins every time.

But Madonna isn't happy with just getting a man under her proverbial spell, oh no – she is literally controlling the mind of Alex Rodriguez, the man she is allegedly getting it on with. Well, according to Rodriguez's estranged wife, Cynthia, that's what Madge is doing. Wait – what?

Yes, the jealous spouting of a woman scorned has taken another turn for the 'huh?' as Cynthia Rodriguez revealed, through an anonymous friend, that she believed Madonna has been using kabbalah, the mystical side of Judaism, to warp her husband's mind. Oh that's right – blame the Jews again, it's not like they don't already get the flack for everything else in the world, ever.

Cynthia may have a point though – the rumours have been flying about that Madge and Alex have become closer than just close friends , as well as that her marriage to Guy Ritchie is on the road to destruction , and not just because she's woken up to what a no-talent arseclown Ritchie actually is. At least Alex can hit balls really hard, or something. He's probably a more convincing cockney too.

None of it is definite, there's a lot of aimless speculation – the kind we really like – and there are some audacious claims flying around. It's a fine recipe for disaster already, prime for the tabloid vultures (hello!) to come in and pick the carcass dry. Then the rogue element is introduced and all hell breaks loose – this is another moment that needs to be fully taken in, so sit back and read it one more time: Madonna, as in 'Papa Don't Preach', 'Material Girl' and some other, newer, shitter songs, is being accused of controlling the mind of a man she is supposedly having it off with.

There are times when you just don't need words; all you need is to react to whatever is going on.

The 'friend' of Cynthia told the press that this is what the estranged wife thought, through the miraculous powers of language:

"I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him, I don't recognize the man he's become. He was a
sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he's very cold and
calculating."

Well, consider hecklerspray convinced – that sounds like grade 'A', bona-fide Jewish mind control of the highest order. Just the kind of ridiculous crap Madonna would be likely to partake in, like having a gap-tooth or a ridiculous camel toe on show, even though she's about 86-years-old. It's a pretty open and shut case, to be honest.

There is always a chance that this is just a jealous rant by a heartbroken woman, and something that seems likely given her fragile state of mind. After all – who doesn't want to blame the Jews every now and then?

But if this is a pile of truth nuggets, we just hope Madge can further brainwash Alex Rodriguez into thinking (or should that be 'knowing'?) that A-Rod is the single most ridiculous name ever given to anyone, anywhere, ever, and it makes him sound like a massive prick. In more ways than one.

Well, get ready for another layer of confusion, because now Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia might have run off with Lenny Kravitz. The same Lenny Kravitz who used to be romantically linked to Madonna. However, as confusing and soap opera-y as all of this sounds, it might just all have a happy ending.

After all, Madonna is happy because she might be having sex with Alex Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez is happy because he might be having sex with Madonna and Alex Rodriguez's wife is happy because she might be having sex with Lenny Kravitz. Everyone's happy. Except for Guy Ritchie, obviously, but it'll be a sad sad day when people start caring about his feelings.

Remember yesterday, when we told you that New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez was visiting Madonna late at night, even once right after his wife had given birth to their second child? Chances are you may have felt the tiniest twinge of pity towards Rodriguez's wife. After all, nobody likes to be cheated on. Especially moments after childbirth. Especially with veiny old ladies with weirdly immobile faces.

But it's OK, because Cynthia Rodriguez knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. Well, cold or bouncing up and down on a rockstar's genitals, anyway. Apparently she's chosen the latter.

According to reports, Cynthia Rodriguez has left Alex Rodriguez for good and has shacked up with Lenny Kravitz in Paris on some kind of erotic minibreak. Newsday has more:

While Rodriguez deals with accusations that he's been cavorting with Madonna, now comes the news out of left field that his wife Cynthia has fled to Paris for a romantic fling with rocker Lenny Kravitz. According to reports, Cynthia left her two children, the youngest just 3½ months old, back at their Miami home before flying to Paris.

Just so you know, we're actually about to give up blogging. We've decided to move to Miami and take a juvenile therapy course, because as soon as the youngest Rodriguez kid learns that her Dad may have ditched her for some rumpy-pumpy with Madonna and her mother may have ditched her shortly afterwards for some rumpy-pumpy with Lenny Kravitz, she's going to be a neverending source of income for us.

So that's it for today. Join us tomorrow when Guy Ritchie runs off and has an affair with the woman who Lenny Kravitz wrote It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over about, David Banda hooks up with newborn Rodriguez daughter number two and everything collides into a non-stop sex orgy so disgusting that you'll end up vomiting your optical nerve out of your bum.

Should be fun.

One theory that's currently doing the rounds is that Madonna has been getting closer and closer to New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez. So close, in fact, that Rodriguez apparently made a secret late-night visit to Madonna's apartment almost immediately after his wife gave birth to their second child.

If these reports are true, then it looks like Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is done for. Still, it's not all bad. True, Guy Ritchie will be losing the love of his life and the mother of his son forever, but at least he won't have a veiny middle-aged woman hanging around all the time yattering away in the world's least convincing British accent with her vagina hanging out. Swings and roundabouts, really.

It's no secret that the marriage between Guy Ritchie and Madonna can get a little bit fractious at times. For almost the entire length of their union they've weathered claims that they're constantly on the cusp of splitting up – but what do you expect? They're both notoriously headstrong career-minded individuals – Madonna has single-handedly smashed gender barriers to become one of the most consistently famous people on earth, while Guy Ritchie is so obsessive about his work that he often won't stop slaving over a movie until it's completely unwatchable.

But this time the divorce rumours seem to be sticking, not least because Madonna has actually hired a divorce lawyer. But why? What's caused this dramatic break-up?

Was it the strain that the adoption of David Banda put on the marriage? Was it because Guy Ritchie accidentally watched a copy of Madonna's 1993 erotic thriller Body Of Evidence and realised that not even he thought Madonna was very sexy? Was it because Madonna dry-heaved constantly during the recording of that song about how good Guy Ritchie is at sex?

Or was it because Madonna's been using her tooth-gap as a kind of semi-regular holding nook for Alex Rodriguez's penis? We don't know, but that doesn't mean we can't idly speculate about it for fun.

Alex Rodriguez is famous for two things. One is playing baseball, which we hear is the most erotic overlong stoppage-filled American spectator sport around. The other is that his nickname is A-Rod, which makes him sound like an on-call plumbing service.

Having said that, Alex Rodriguez is probably about to become much more famous for his sneaky late night visits to Madonna's apartment, including one time right after his his wife had just given birth to a baby. Are they doing it? Us Weekly bravely investigates:

One source tells Us that Rodriguez, 32, visited the singer, 49, possibly as early as the night after his wife gave birth. A source tells Us, that Madonna has been hosting late-night visits… and he would sneak out "as late as midnight." Rodriguez also attended Madonna's concert at Roseland in NYC on April 30. "He was very chummy with her after her Roseland concert," a source tells Us.

While claims of an affair have been denied by Madonna's publicist, it wouldn't be an unthinkable scenario – Alex Rodriguez has previously been busted in the press for hanging out with strippers on trips away from his wife, while Madonna is married to Guy Ritchie and therefore probably desperate to have sex with someone that doesn't look like a potato for once. We'll just have to wait and see whether these claims hold any water.

Let's hope they don't, because then Madonna would have a hopeless movie career and a sportsman boyfriend – she'd just be one cacky reality TV show away from turning into Jessica Simpson. Seriously, one's enough.