People of Earth, to the bunkers! Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have reportedly split up, and you know what that means.
It means they’re coming for you. Between the pair of them, Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have been romantically linked with pretty much every celebrity on the face of the Earth. And now they’ve apparently split up, it only makes sense that they’re going to let loose on civilians.
You shouldn’t worry too much – we’re sure that they’ll start with the attractive civilians and work their way down to the likes of you, but we felt like we should warn you nonetheless. Thank us later.
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Parade has always felt as though it were one of the more benign of the women’s magazines. It appears to avoid some of the sleazier bylines of the younger magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.
Gone are sub-headings about nifty ways to snare a mate without being slapped with a restraining order. Gone are articles about how to put out on the first date like a good little alpha-female whose moral compass has been carefully whittled over the years thanks to dozens of Sex and the City re-runs.
Seems all of those years of playing sexual second-fiddle to the more overt magazines is taking its toll on Parade. The magazine is biting back and calling a slightly odd selection of celebrities promiscuous, in an attempt to get its sexy back.
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Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.
But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.
This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.
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Madonna doesn’t do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open.
And because of this, Madonna won’t be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it’s because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier.
But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who’s bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That’s got to sting a bit.
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Hands up who wanted the Alex Rodriguez dissolve into pointless messy public accusations and talk of sordid sex with Madonna – oh, right, you all did.
Well tough luck, because Alex Rodriguez doesn’t care about what you want at all. In fact, Alex Rodriguez hates you so much that rather than drag the divorce from his estranged with Cynthia out for months and months of hateful squabbling, he’s decided to quickly and privately reach a confidential settlement with her instead. The great big tosspot.
Still, at least now that Alex Rodriguez is properly divorced he’s free to chase after his soulmate Madonna. Or, if Madonna still hasn’t left Guy Ritchie yet, the nearest alternative – the wizened old lady who lives near him and sits on the park bench playing with herself all day. Go hit that, A-Rod.
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What’s the last thing you want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while at the same time dealing with a particularly expensive divorce?
If you said ‘the last thing you would want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while at the same time dealing with a particularly expensive divorce would be to donate $500,000 to said high-profile person’s charity’ then you would be correct. You would also have used an overly wordy response. But you would be right, and we won’t take that away from you.
It would seem that this was yet another lesson in the world of today that Alex ‘A-Rod’ Rodriguez was never taught, seeing as he’s only ruddy well gone and agreed to donate half a million dollars to Madonna‘s charity, Raising Malawi, while he’s both rumoured to be more than friends with Madge and is part way through E-vorcing his wife. Which is costing him a lot of money.
He could at least have waited a bit, the big, silly, baseball man.
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Divorce is never a fun thing – a lot of us have experienced it either first hand or through parents.
So it’s a good thing that celebrity divorces are full of such fun and delights to keep us all entertained, helping us forget that the whole experience can be physically and mentally exhausting, as well as devastating on an emotional level.
Thank Thor then, as it would seem that A-Rod’s divorce is something of a trailblazer when it comes to this new breed of entertaining divorces, or e-vorces, as we’re not really going to call them. And for once it’s not all down to the involvement of Madonna.
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Between the Sex book, Body Of Evidence and the background noises in Justify My Love, we all know how Madonna is in the sack.
However, very few of us have seen what Madonna is actually like during real sex – something few of us would wish to change. But now something has come along that threatens to shatter our cocoon of not knowing how Madonna has sex forever – a man is claiming he’s in possession of a Madonna sex tape.
Wait, wait – don’t freak out just yet. This alleged Madonna sex tape is supposedly between Madonna and Alex Rodriguez! There’s not a sniff of Guy Ritchie anywhere! That means, at absolute worst, the Madonna sex tape will only be appalling enough to make your eyeballs burn up and pop. You won’t actually die from watching it.
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