Alex James. Remember when you fancied him? You were cooler than your friends because they all fancied Damon when eyeing up Blur like a sexy meat hamper. Alex James was the dreamboat on bass and oh! How he made you swoon.

Sadly, for The Alex James Fan Club, he’s always been an unbearable peen. We’ve been told first hand by one member of Blur that people have to write his basslines for him and he copies them for live shows.

And of course, these days, he’s an even bigger weapon. He makes cheese and has named some of his children Geronimo, Artemis and Galileo. AND BETTER YET, he likes hanging around with Jeremy Clarkson and David Cameron (see above) AS WELL AS running a festival which has financially crippled a primary school!

The Alex James Fan Club has probably been sticking their collective fingers in their ears for the last few years, desperately trying to avoid the obvious shortcomings of their fave Britpop hunk. However, seeing as most Blur fans from the mid-90s are now in respectable jobs and giving off an air of being a conscientious member of society, they’ll have to try twice as hard to ignore this slop of news.

Remember when James ran something called ‘Harvest’? It was a festival that had food, music and visiting Tories. Alex tottered around in tweed like Lord Snooty’s vaguely eccentric, scruffy cousin and well…

…the festival has abruptly ceased trading according to The Guardian and everyone concerned is now “uncontactable” despite the fact that “tickets for next year’s festival had already been sold.”

The Alex James Presents Harvest website offers no information about refunds and the former Fat Les’er isn’t keen to talk about it to anyone.

His publicist is similarly quiet, although, they will tell you about his new mozzarella and the “foodio” he’s building so he can think about cheese. But maybe Alex is just busy, right? Yep. Busy talking about his line of cheese at Asda, which he recently crowed about, saying:

“It’s generated something like £2m worth of publicity! It even made the New York Times! But I suppose that’s what I set out to do.”

So far, so boring business. But what about the local primary school he’s shafting?

The local school, Kingham primary, organises its own annual music festival. Alex James used their contacts book and the school duly provided him with entertainment. However, now the festival has gone belly up, this little school is out of pocket.

Headteacher Ed Read told the Cotswold Journal that it was owed £7,000 for the entertainment it organised.

“There are 200 children at this state school who rely on that money. It’s going to have a huge impact. With the national austerity measures, budgets in schools have been reduced. Our music teacher is paid largely by the music festival we do ourselves. We are either going to have to lose the music teacher, or take it from other budgets which will reduce other parts of the curriculum.”

So there you have it. As we stand, Alex James is not only an irritating tit, but one that could well lose someone their job and bugger up a load of children’s schooling.

We should’ve known really, afterall, he was in a band called MeMeMe.

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Alex James – the Hugh Grant-haired, bass-playing, cheese-making lovey of Brit Pop superstars Blur (the pretty one who pursed his lips in every video) – has re-sparked rumours of Blur reuniting.

True, this is perhaps the 27th time he personally has sparked the rumours of Blur reuniting.

And, true, it’ll almost certainly be as fruitless as the rest of them. But still, anything to make people realise the Kaiser Chiefs are nothing but an insulting pretender to their throne is worth commenting on.

It’s been five years since they released Think Tank; a kind of ‘half-good, half-wanky’ take on modern culture (a feeling encapsulated perfectly by the usage of a Banksy painting on the front cover – the King of ‘half-good, half-wanky’). Since then the Blur boys have all taken their own unique paths.

Lead guitarist Graham Coxon – one of the greatest guitar players in the world (how will the hecklerspray massive react to that statement we wonder?) was the first to leave the band. He featured on just one track of Think Tank before realising that the studio walls weren’t big enough to hold his talent and Damon’s ego.

And we can only thank baby Jesus for that, for he has since gone on to become the finest solo-artist in the country (think differently do ya? Well bring it on. And if any of you so much as think of challenging that with Paolo Nutini, then prepare for the wrath of hecklerspray).

Damon Albarn, the self-confessed overlord of creativity, has, among other things, made an album in Mali with a bunch of Malinese musicians, which was lovely.

He has furthered his work with Gorillaz and announced himself to be a communist – something that finally explains the collaboration with Ken Livingstone in The Great Escape on the track Old Arnold Same.

No wonder Oasis won.

Damon’s latest project was to make a Chinese opera with the Gorillaz, which he composed via some interesting yet half-wanky thinking. He said:

I created a mathematical system that guaranteed I wouldn’t be able to use any of my western melodic ideas. I came up with this system based on a series of numbers that relate to the five pointed star of the Communist party. Then there is a fight scene based on a 15 point star system. You rotate the numbers on the star and put in different keys

A genius, or a wanker? You decide.

Dave Rowntree, the drummer, was famous for having literally no personality. He has since gone on to become a Labour MP.

And Alex James has become a farmer who, as previously stated, makes his own cheese, writes about life in the countryside endlessly, telling stories about hanging out with flocks of sheep and Jeremy Clarkson.

Little wonder then that his voice is the most often heard in regards to a reunion.

Damon recently dismissed the idea of a Blur reunion, because none of them need the money, but Alex aint so sure. According to the Evening Echo, he said:

We’re all pretty busy, but I’d be surprised if it never happens, but I would be terrified if it was happening on Monday.

Sunday, Sunday, here again, a walk in the farm, you speak to Jeremy Clarkson and you make some cheese, you dream of Blur reuniting, cos the life you’ve made is depressing, to gather the band around the table, and have another go, fuck those Sunday sheeeeep.

Yeah, it may turn out they’re half as good as before, but half as good as old Blur is twice as good as new Kaiser Chiefs and as far as the youth of today are concerned all we used to listen to was the Spice Girls and Take That.

Come back and show them there was more.

Read More – James Hints at Blur reunion – Evening Echo

Hecklerspray tried writing a book for children once.

It didn't get that far. Apparently – according to those 'publisher'-types – children just aren't interested in post-New Labour reinterpretations of Milton Friedman's economic theorising. Apparently that's all a bit 'complex' for them, and we'd be much better off with some predictable tract about a cat looking for a balloon. Christ almighty – no wonder they're all so stupid, the pram-dwelling little bastards.

God bless those celebrities, then, eh? God bless 'em. Better than us mere mortals in every way, they've decided to show us how it's done.

52 famous public figures are getting together to pen a children's book for the NSPCC. Once Upon A Time will see each celebrity scribbling out ten lines of the story, with possibly only a couple of them getting detention for writing 'and then he did a big poo' or 'and then his willy got trapped' or something. Russell Brand, we're looking at you. We've seen your routine – that's kind of about the level you work at, isn't it?

The story will be started by former Blur guitarist Alex James, most recently seen embarrassing himself to bits on a particularly cringeworthy Question Time ('politics is, like, well complex and stuff, y'know?'), and currently spending most his time carving out a niche as a Last Of The Summer Wine extra. Terrifyingly, the inspiration for the story is said to emerge from Blur hit Country House – a proposition roughly as disturbing as a movie based on Hey Dude by Kula Shaker. 

James's story revolves around: 

'… a big house in the country, inhabited by a wealthy Duke. But in typical fairy-tale style, the house is something of a fantastical creation and has cellars full of wheels of the finest cheese – possibly inspired by Little Wallop, the cheese produced by the Indie musician on his farm in the Cotswolds.'

Even more bewildering than that? Try this: 

'James' contribution ends with the arrival of four children at the very big house – an influence from one of his favourite childhood authors, Enid Blyton. But it is up to Radio One's Sara Cox to decide their fate.'

Presumably their fate involves having to sit through a godawful Breakfast Radio Show, gnashing their tiny teeth as they struggle to cope with a flow of mediocre indie records and the wittering of a public-school-educated daddy's girl trying to sound like Nora Batty (two Last Of The Summer Wine references in one article? Jumping Jesus, we're on top form today).

Other celebs taking part in the storython include KT Tunstall, Linford Christie and fashion designer Henry Holland (nope, us neither). Rumours as to whether Tunstall's contribution will be as exciting as her music – i.e on a similar level as watching an old lady make her way to the Post Office – have yet to be confirmed.

Do keep an eye out for Wayne Rooney's section, though. It's quite interesting – he's opted to simply draw a nice big picture of a smiley Sun in a big blue sky. Almost as though he was having trouble with the words or something.

Can't think why that would be.

Read More:

Celebs Pen Children's Charity Book – DailySnack