OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.
You won’t.
Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.
10 - We don’t want this, because it’s not like we walk down the street bellowing “BALLOON PORN!” into our phones enough as it is. But thanks for telling us about it anyway, foetus…
9 – If Skins was really an accurate representation of teenage life, then it’d actually look just like this – Best Week Ever
Alesha Dixon, remember her? Yes you do, she was the girl from Mis-Teeq who shouted everything like Pat Butcher impersonating a small dog. You know, the one whose husband had an affair with Javine off Eurovision.
OK, perhaps you know Alesha Dixon as the woman who won Strictly Come Dancing last year, beating such luminaries as That Woman Who Used To Be In EastEnders and A Bald Snooker Player. During Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth repeatedly told Alesha that she was 'Europe's Beyonce.' And now that Alesha's got a new single coming out, entitled For You I Will perhaps it's time to see how true that prediction is. And we've got a teaser of the For You I Will video first. Lucky us!
But what's For You I Will by Alesha Dixon like? It's actually kind of alright, in a 'don't offend the grannies who watched Strictly Come Dancing' kind of way. It's a bit James Bond-y, Alesha looks pretty in the video, some of the instruments are made of bits of cars and – thankfully – there's no UK Garage-style rapping in it. But the video does cut off after one minute and 40 seconds, so maybe the second verse is a nang dubplate ragga freestyle remix. Or something.
Let us know what you think of For You I Will by Alesha Dixon – out on iTunes on Monday – below, won't you.
Perhaps the greatest Christmas present a woman can receive is the gift of a gaudy mirrorball that looks like it was bought from a car boot sale, and that's what Alesha Dixon got after winning Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday.
Alesha Dixon won Strictly Come Dancing after a tense dance-off with her dancing rival Matt Di Angelo off EastEnders. Well, OK, maybe not tense – what with Alesha and Matt doing five dances each, all the old Strictly Come Dancing contestants doing a dance each, the Spice Girls singing a song accompanied by a dance and Bruce Forsyth doing a comedy song and dance number, watching the Strictly Come Dancing final felt a little bit like wading through treacle. But, hey, who cares – Alesha Dixon has now won Strictly Come Dancing and is now almost guaranteed to get this year's Christmas number one.
No, wait, that's the other one. What exactly do Strictly Come Dancing winners do again?
We can't quite believe it, but it's the final of Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow night, as Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo face off to, um, dance. And stuff.
It's an emotional time here – not just because it marks the end of Strictly Come Dancing, but because it also means we'll have to end our near-obsessive Strictly Come Dancing research on the Digital Spy forums. Whatever will we do without Strictly Come Dancing in our lives? What's that? What do you mean there's always Dance X? How dare you insult us like that! Get out! Go on, get out!
So, will Strictly Come Dancing 2007 be won by Matt Di Angelo or Alesha Dixon? Here's the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…
OK, OK, the Christmas number one is going to be that weird Scottish X Factor boy and his horrible Mariah Carey song – but let's forget about that.
Because for the first part of this week we'll be looking at the Christmas number one betting odds not including Sobby X Factor Cry-Boy. With him and his ratty hair and funny teeth out of the way, the Christmas number one betting odds market is wide open – wide open to all the other crummy ballads and shit-awful novelty records that are released at this time of year. And, really, isn't that what Christmas is all about? Isn't it?
It’s the semi-final of Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow, which is exciting for more reasons that we could possibly ever count – although admittedly that would be more impressive if we could count any higher than two.
Nevertheless, Matt Di Angelo, Gethin Jones and Alesha Dixon will all slug it out tomorrow night to secure a place in that most prestigious of events, the Strictly Come Dancing final. It’s a spectacular affair and no mistake – the star-studded Strictly Come Dancing audience will contain four former EastEnders cast-members instead of the usual three, Bruce Forsyth will roll out the one original joke he’s been saving up all year and Arlene Phillips will only screech tortuously long alliterative sentences that begin with the letter Q, just to keep it special.
Who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the final part of this week’sStrictly Come Dancing betting odds – for Alesha Dixon – with help from Paddy Power…
If it’s Friday, it means that Strictly Come Dancing is almost here – and that means we’re so excited that we literally just crapped our pants. Literally.
With so few dancers left on Strictly Come Dancing, tomorrow’s show is the most important yet – to fill the yawning gap smashed into the Saturday teatime TV schedules for Strictly Come Dancing, the remaining contestants will have to perform 47 dances each, including one group dance that involves spinning around on your nose for half an hour. Are the dancers up to it? We’ll have to wait and see.
But in the meantime, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…
By rights, after all this time the only dancers left of Strictly Come Dancing should be the cream of the crop, the cat’s pyjamas, the bee’s knees, the mutt’s nuts, the monkey’s junk.
And, not accounting for a couple of mediocrities, that’s true. And then there’s Kenny Logan – the single most entertaining thing about Strictly Come Dancing. While Bruce Forsyth mangles his jokes, Tess Daly contorts her mouth into all kinds of crazy shapes and Alesha Dixon – ugh – dances well, Kenny Logan has taken the mantle of Strictly Come Dancing underdog. The man can’t dance – he refuses to dance – and just wants to stomp around independently of any music that happens to be playing, doing his best to force laserbeams to shoot out of his eyes. In short, Kenny Logan deserves to win Strictly Come Dancing. He won’t of course; he’s useless.
So who will win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, Matt Di Angelo and Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…
OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.
Winners and losers.
