alcohol - HecklerSpray

5 Reasons Why Prince Harry is a Complete Embarrassment

August 23rd, 2012 By Chris Starr

Well, he was grown up for five days. I guess that’s all you can ask for really. He is, after all, ginger, spoilt, and unlikely to ever see himself as King. A guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do, and in that case it means letting off steam and making the British Royal Family seem like it’s a college kid at a kegger.

We are of course talking about Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales, known to Harry by some and a monumental fuckup to the 70 million people of Britain. You see, we were doing so well this year. We had the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. We held the Olympics. The Paralympics was coming up round the corner. People around the world liked us and respected us! But then ginger Harry had to come and fuck it up, as he always does. Let’s count the ways he’s screwed over the country by being an absolute lad.

50 Cent: Doesn’t Like His Job And Probably Going To Die Soon

January 4th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

When 50 Cent released an album called ‘Get Rich Or Die Tryin”, no-one really suspected that what he actually meant was, at some point, he’d get so bored of being a rapper that he’d just give up living.

We’re not talking about suicide here, rather, just the complete lack of will to stay alive. He’s got rich, now he’s not bothered about breathing anymore.

And 2012 has seen Fiddy talking about just that. He just wants to stop everything. He’s had enough.

50 Cent: A Big Baby When It Comes To Handling His Drink

November 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Big tough guy 50 Cent quit alcohol for life after becoming ‘paranoid’ during one bad experience, or so he says. We think that’s what he said. Have you heard him talk? He sounds like a deaf tractor engine when he raps.

Of course, Fiddy spent years as a drug dealer before finding fame and fortune as a rapper, but alas, he admits that he’s never been one to indulge in drugs or drink.

Because he’s a soft-git and had a bad experience. And we know exactly what happened.

Badvertising: Do You Even Understand The Concept Of Experimentation?

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

We can categorically guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that our readers know exactly what an experiment is. Some of you will have studied science in school and will have been involved in the dissemination of liquid from beaker to conical flask; some of you might even be scientists. If you are then can we suggest that you keep an eye on that petri dish over there as it appears to be sentient.

Even the regular readers who trawl the site looking for something to get up in arms about are familiar with experimentation, having been used as test subjects by a series of alien species with nefarious designs on the rectal areas of people who believe in a Michael Jackson-led arachnid conspiracy, coordinated from the moon.

Odd-balls, basically.

Aaron Carter Sampled Michael Jackson’s Jesus Juice (And Possibly More)

July 1st, 2011 By Kris Silver

There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn't exist. It's hard to believe we know, but it's true. ?But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?? We hear you ask.

The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a Backstreet Boy, wore a backwards baseball cap and he had Bieber?s trademark mix of a baby face, blond hair and an unthreatening charm that saw him climb the charts with such sweet puppy love anthems as, ?I Want Candy,? and, ?Crazy Little Party Girl.?

Naturally all of this made him a target for Michael Jackson.

WWE’s X-Pac Won’t Be Watching Chyna’s New Skin Flick (Millions Of Lonely Teenagers Will)

May 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Back in 2004, there was a video released of two WWE wrestlers going at it hammer and tongues. Seriously. Sadly for you weirdos, it wasn’t a ‘feature’ that starred Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair in a bath giving each other toe-jobs, but rather, a proper grotgramme that saw X-Pac and Chyna grunting at each other.

So what did we learn from the experience? Well, we discovered that X-Pac likes to wear incredibly tight trousers away from the ring and that Chyna has an ugly piercing in a delicate part of her anatomy. The pair also rut like pigs in swill.

The whole thing left a bad taste in the mouth, right? Well, not for Chyna. That’s because she’s making another porn film which X-Pac is graciously refusing to watch, saying: “It’s too hard remembering how devastated she was the first time around.”

Mariah Carey Narrowly Avoids Becomes Interesting With Boozy Baby Allegations

May 17th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

Try and hum one of Mariah Carey?s big hits to yourself. In fact, any of her songs. You just can't can you? As multi-millionaire recording artists go, she is utterly forgettable. Christ, we could whistle you at least two tunes by rubbish 90’s popsters Shampoo and they're skint.

Well fear not, because something memorable is finally taking place in Mariah Carey’s Scary Towers. The Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services are investigating allegations of alcohol and drug use against Carey and Nick Cannon shortly after the birth of their twins.

Do you hear that? ?Shortly after? the birth? They were still in the hospital, glugging Cristal and rolling fat biftas whilst Carey juggled two babies onto her copious fun-bags to fill them with narcotic breast-milk whilst heating-up her crack pipe?

Justin Bieber Bans Booze on His UK Tour, The Wuss

March 8th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Pint sized American Justin Bieber is currently in the UK. How do we know this? Well if you switch off any the TV or pause any music that's playing, you\’ll hear the faint high pitched squeals of young girls as they come close to orgasm, knowing that there in the same landmass as Bieber.

In the past, we've been accused of being ignorant and rude about the eight year old singer, so we wanted to make amends.

Using our best joined-up handwriting on lined paper, we sent out a polite invitation to Justin Bieber’s record label asking if one of his after show parties could be held in our bedsit. We promised to clean away the empty Pot Noodle tubs and spray air-freshener to mask the smell of sweat and desperation. We thought we?d show Justin the hecklerspray way, which pretty much involves getting blind drunk. Sadly this won’t be on the cards now, as the pesky baby has gone and banned alcohol from his life!

The Apprentice Final: Who Will Be Freed From Their Urbon Prism?

August 5th, 2012 By Justrestingmyeyes

So it comes down to this: after 12 weeks of dodgy DVDs and dayglo babies, tour buses and tramp-tie dresses, octopus-based perversions, Blue Book confusion and Stuart Baggs’ little white sausage, two candidates remain for the chance to sit at the right hand of the Good Lord and suckle at the meaty teat of the Sugar empire.

And despite his weekly protestations at the start of each episode, the Good Lord has ended up with Chris – the steadiest Eddie there could ever be, seeing as he is hewn from solid rock – and Stella, a Carol so cautious it took her 10 weeks to work up to murmuring a cockney ditty at four disinterested tourists.

Now Chris and Stella must go head-to-head in the final challenge that will be several light years more interesting than anything in their possible Amstrad careers of selling ad space in doctors’ surgeries. Because that’s what the previous two winners of The Apprentice now do!?Doesn’t that make you feel better about almost everything?