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album

Chinese Democracy: Axl Rose Bribed With Fizzy Goodness

by Stuart Heritage

Axl Rose has been working on Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy for 14 years now, and in the absence of a release date, the big guns have been brought out.

OK, not really the big guns as such. The fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. Lots and lots of the fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. That instead of the big guns.

Fizzy drink company Dr Pepper has promised a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Guns N’ Roses release Chinese Democracy in 2008. What people do with it is up to them – they can either immerse themselves in the exhilarating complex effervescence of Dr Pepper or pound the unopened can against their temple until they’re unconscious because they’d rather suffer blunt force trauma than hear what a letdown Chinese Democracy is.

Axl Rose has been working on Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy for 14 years now, and in the absence of a release date, the big guns have been brought out. OK, not really the big guns as such. The fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. Lots and lots of the fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. That instead of the big guns. Fizzy drink company Dr Pepper has promised a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Guns N' Roses release Chinese Democracy in 2008. What people do with it is up to them - they can either immerse themselves in the exhilarating complex effervescence of Dr Pepper or pound the unopened can against their temple until they're unconscious because they'd rather suffer blunt force trauma than hear what a letdown Chinese Democracy is.
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REM’s New Album Gets All Facebooky

by Stuart Heritage

Believe it or not, there’s more to Facebook than becoming friends with people you never really liked and playing games of Scrabble that last for three months.

Because now Facebook is getting in on the free music revolution, by letting REM stream their new album Accelerate through Facebook application iLike a full week before it gets physically released.

The implications for this are huge – if the REM experiment works it might become normal for bands to use Facebook as pre-release tools, changing the face of music forever. Although, let’s not forget that we’re talking about an REM album that wasn’t released in the early-to-mid nineties, so perhaps the only real implication involves millions of Facebook uses updating their status to ‘underwhelmed.’

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Whitney Houston’s Comeback Album Ready To Fill Your Stockings

by Stuart Heritage

This Christmas, families around the world will be united by one thing – the sound of a crack-addled hasbeen croaking out pale imitations of her best-loved hits.

Amy Winehouse? Don’t be silly – we’re talking about the queen of substance-deranged power-ballads here, not the scabby-faced pretender to her crack-addled throne, here. That’s right, Whitney Houston is back.

Well, sort of back. Whitney Houston’s comeback album – her first for six years – will be released in time for Christmas. It’d be ready sooner, but it’s going to take nine months of round-the-clock labour to photoshop the album’s artwork so it looks like Whitney Houston’s pupils are the same size and that she’s got teeth and generally looks a bit less identical to Samuel L Jackson in Jungle Fever.

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Nine Inch Nails Gives You Rubbish Music For Free! Viva La Revolucion!

by Stuart Heritage

These days it seems like you’re not a real band unless you give your music away for a fortnight and then triple the price of your concert tickets for the privilege.

Radiohead did it, The Charlatans are doing it, and now gloomy old Nine Inch Nails are sort of vaguely doing it a bit as well. Sort of. A bit.

Nine Inch Nails are releasing their 36-tack instrumental album Ghosts I-IV on the internet for free, with the option of spending more to upgrade to something a touch swankier. Truly, historians will look back on this day as the moment when Nine Inch Nails really shook up the long-established Miserable Ambient Wank That Nobody Would Have Paid For Anyway industry. That’s right Trent! Stick it to the man!

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Maxim Sorry For That Whole Fake Black Crowes Review Thing

by Stuart Heritage

When Maxim gave two and a half stars to The Black Crowes’ new album Warpaint, suspicions everywhere were raised pretty quickly.

Because, come on, two and a half stars out of five for an album by The Black Crowes? That’s a bit bloody generous by anyone’s standards.

Anyway, now that The Black Crowes have kicked up an almighty stink about Maxim’s fake Warpaint review, the magazine has been forced into issuing a humiliating apology that’s bound to harm its readership. After all, how are horny teenage boys expected to wank themselves into a sticky mess over pictures of Megan Fox in a bikini now they know that a blues-oriented hard rock jam-band got given an invented but probably accurate review in a previous issue?

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Madonna’s New Album To Rot Your Teeth

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna – centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is – has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?

Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we’ve been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she’ll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile’s balls off.

What’s that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we’re completely wrong – Madonna’s new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.

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Maxim’s Mystical Gypsy Album-Reviewer Loathes The Black Crowes

by Shawn Lindseth

The US Prison in Cumberland, MD isn’t a perfect institution by any stretch of the imagination. We will say this about it though, of all the prisons we’ve ever been incarcerated in for three years or more at a time, Cumberland absolutely positively has the best tater tots we’ve ever tasted.

We were sceptical at first as the plate containing them slid under our half-ton steel door. They were piled in a sloppy pyramid next to green beans and some tough chicken. We pushed them around with our fork for a bit, then stabbed one to bring it up for a sniff. It smelled potato-ish, this was refreshing. Also, we individually spun a dozen of them on our right-pointy finger at the same time. This looked totally awesome. Then we used the tater tots to circumvent the in-house security system and knock out lots of guards until we gained our freedom.

Once outside the perimeters, we touched the sweet sweet tots to our lips and experienced a taste explosion unparallelled by any we’d ever experienced before. When we came to we realised this was because we’d coincidentally been tazed just then, but still. The tots were good, man.

Actually, none of that was true. We’ve never been to prison, and if we had we’re sure we’d be permanently too scared to eat. Our potato review stands though, because you don’t need to taste a tot to know it’d be delicious. It’s kind of the way Maxim reviews albums apparently – without listening to them at all. It seems they did that to the Black Crowes just recently here.

The US Prison in Cumberland, MD isn't a perfect institution by any stretch of the imagination. We will say this about it though, of all the prisons we've ever been incarcerated in for three years or more at a time, Cumberland absolutely positively has the best tater tots we've ever tasted. We were sceptical at first as the plate containing them slid under our half-ton steel door. They were piled in a sloppy pyramid next to green beans and some tough chicken. We pushed them around with our fork for a bit, then stabbed one to bring it up for a sniff. It smelled potato-ish, this was refreshing. Also, we individually spun a dozen of them on our right-pointy finger at the same time. This looked totally awesome. Then we used the tater tots to circumvent the in-house security system and knock out lots of guards until we gained our freedom. Once outside the perimeters, we touched the sweet sweet tots to our lips and experienced a taste explosion unparallelled by any we'd ever experienced before. When we came to we realised this was because we'd coincidentally been tazed just then, but still. The tots were good, man. Actually, none of that was true. We've never been to prison, and if we had we're sure we'd be permanently too scared to eat. Our potato review stands though, because you don't need to taste a tot to know it'd be delicious. It's kind of the way Maxim reviews albums apparently - without listening to them at all. It seems they did that to the Black Crowes just recently here.
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Timbaland Does Something To Do With Phones

by Paul Sorrenti

Timbaland’s quest to single-handedly dumb down the music industry to levels not seen since Rick Astley and Wham were raping the airwaves gathered more momentum today as he announced plans to produce the first album to be released via mobile phone download only.

He will produce one song per month for mobile company Verizon during 2008, working with a different artist each time as he travels around the US in the Verizon Mobile Recording Studio Bus, exclusively available to all subscribers of their mobile entertainment service: V Cast.

The good news is that Verizon is an American company, meaning the UK may have a Timbaland-free 2008!

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Missy Elliott Stupidly Lets You Decide Her New Album Title

by Matthew Laidlow

Sadly, most of us aren’t going to be rock stars and will only have Guitar Hero as the next best thing.

You won’t be playing for crowds of thousands at Wembley. Instead the biggest crowd you’ll rock out to will be your grandma and her mates as they gather round for their coffee morning whilst you show them you’ve mastered the hard setting whilst blindfolded. No drug-fuelled orgies will commence, no groupies begging you for love sessions in a Travelodge so they can then tell the News Of The World you only have a two-inch penis.

Sadly this is all just a dream, but now the most unlikely of sources is going to offer you some sort of way of fulfilling your rock n roll dreams. Poor Missy Elliott has a problem, you see. She’s gone and recorded her new album and doesn’t know what to call it.

Sadly, most of us aren’t going to be rock stars and will only have Guitar Hero as the next best thing. You won’t be playing for crowds of thousands at Wembley. Instead the biggest crowd you’ll rock out to will be your grandma and her mates as they gather round for their coffee morning whilst you show them you’ve mastered the hard setting whilst blindfolded. No drug-fuelled orgies will commence, no groupies begging you for love sessions in a Travelodge so they can then tell the News Of The World you only have a two-inch penis. Sadly this is all just a dream, but now the most unlikely of sources is going to offer you some sort of way of fulfilling your rock n roll dreams. Poor Missy Elliott has a problem, you see. She’s gone and recorded her new album and doesn’t know what to call it.
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Paula Abdul Recording Some Sort Of Barmy New Album

by Stuart Heritage

Paula Abdul hasn’t released an album since 1995, and the world has changed a lot in the meantime.

For example, duetting with cartoon cats is no longer in fashion, drum sounds no longer have to echo for 30 seconds and also the popularity of the internet means that people can discover how bad your new songs are before they’ve even paid for them. But that hasn’t stopped Paula Abdul from recording a brand new album.

Paula Abdul hasn’t had a UK top 20 since 1992. We get the feeling it’ll stay that way.

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