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Tim McGraw Is Sorry About His Stupid New Album

by Stuart Heritage

The best thing about being a rootin’-tootin’ country and western singer is that you’re allowed to offend anyone you want – just look at Tim McGraw.

Last week saw the release of a new Tim McGraw album, and Tim McGraw wants everyone to know how completely sorry he is about it. You see, Tim McGraw was upset because the new album was a Greatest Hits collection and it was full of his most famous old songs that people enjoy listening to, rather than the collection of new bad rubbish that he wanted to release.

So, to counter this, Tim McGraw has released a statement showing his anger at the album’s release and pleading with fans not to buy it. And, in turn, Tim McGraw’s record label’s next release will be a collection of Tim McGraw b-sides all performed by crying children trapped down a well with a tuba player and fanged clown.

The best thing about being a rootin'-tootin' country and western singer is that you're allowed to offend anyone you want - just look at Tim McGraw. Last week saw the release of a new Tim McGraw album, and Tim McGraw wants everyone to know how completely sorry he is about it. You see, Tim McGraw was upset because the new album was a Greatest Hits collection and it was full of his most famous old songs that people enjoy listening to, rather than the collection of new bad rubbish that he wanted to release. So, to counter this, Tim McGraw has released a statement showing his anger at the album's release and pleading with fans not to buy it. And, in turn, Tim McGraw's record label's next release will be a collection of Tim McGraw b-sides all performed by crying children trapped down a well with a tuba player and fanged clown.
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Lil’ Kim Sued By Odd People Who Want A New Lil’ Kim Album

by Stuart Heritage

As a female rapper, it’s Lil’ Kim’s civic duty to get in as much trouble as humanly possibly, but we don’t get the feeling she’s hungry for it any more.

Back in the old days Lil’ Kim could usually be relied on to cause a ruckus by lying about shootings and getting sent to jail for it or whatnot but, now that she’s a little bit older, Lil’ Kim seems to have taken her eye off the balls. Sure, Lil’ Kim still gets in trouble, but only for not delivering albums she’s been paid to make.

As such, Lil’ Kim is being sued by her record label. Although a little lawsuit might not seem like much, it’s actually an indication of something far far worse than any of us could have ever imagined – there are a handful of people on earth who actually want to hear a new Lil’ Kim album. We’re scared. Hold us.

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Paul McCartney Set To Release A Ravetastic Electronic Album

by Matthew Laidlow

With plenty of high profile hits and even a divorce behind him, Paul McCartney can literally do anything he wants.

Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing.

It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.

With plenty of high profile hits and even a divorce behind him, Paul McCartney can literally do anything he wants. Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing. It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.
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Britney Spears Releases New Album ‘Circus’ Frighteningly Soon

by Stuart Heritage

As evidenced by her nanosecond appearance at the MTV VMAs recently, Britney Spears is back to her best, and that can only mean one thing.

Yes, that’s right – Britney Spears has got a new album coming out soon. According to a just-released missive from her record label, Britney Spears’ new album is to be called Circus and will be released on December 2, with a new single entitled Womanizer coming out next week.

It’s exciting stuff, but why has Britney Spears chosen to call her new album Circus? Well it’s easy – Britney Spears wanted to name her album after the best description for the inside of her own head. Other contenders for the album title were Swirling Kaleidoscope Of Terrifying Cackles, The Theme-Tune To Taxi On An Unrelenting Loop and Barely-Pulsating Gloop.

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New Led Zeppelin Album! Soon! Kind Of! But Not Really!

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms – they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

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Miley Cyrus: The Inevitable Move to Bad Girl, Complete With Vaguely Strong Language

by hecklerspray staff

Miley Cyrus is a name you have been forced to learn.

This is because you have a pre-teen daughter, or because the whole world threw a giant hissy over her photos in Vanity Fair, or because you’re a bit pervy like the majority of hecklerspray readers, and virtually all of the male staff.

But Miley Cyrus isn’t just kittens and cupcakes anymore. She’s angry, and she’s attempting to make the predictable jump from super sweet to angry and edgy in her new album. No, really. She totally is.

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Coldplay Record ‘Sexy’ Duet With Kylie, Public Shudders Preemptively

by Stuart Heritage

Coldplay, like you didn’t already know, have an album coming out soon entitled Look Mummy I’m Just Like Bono! Wheeee! Or something.

And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.

Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy.” Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.

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Nine Inch Nails: Here, Have Some More Rubbish Music For Free

by Stuart Heritage

Nine Inch Nails have always been pioneers, first in making rubbish music for sad idiots and now in innovative distribution methods.

Following an experiment with some self-indulgent noodly-doodly instrumental tracks earlier this year, Nine Inch Nails has decided to give its new album away to fans for free, without even an option to pay anything, until it comes out on CD when you suckers will have to cough up.

This move by Nine Inch Nails obviously has its critics, who claim that giving away music for free devalues it to the point where it becomes worthless. But these critics are plainly fools – the music of Nine Inch Nails has always been kind of worthless to everyone except for panda-eyed 13-year-olds with BO and a low-level interest in self harm. This just levels the playing field out a bit.

Nine Inch Nails have always been pioneers, first in making rubbish music for sad idiots and now in innovative distribution methods. Following an experiment with some self-indulgent noodly-doodly instrumental tracks earlier this year, Nine Inch Nails has decided to give its new album away to fans for free, without even an option to pay anything, until it comes out on CD when you suckers will have to cough up. This move by Nine Inch Nails obviously has its critics, who claim that giving away music for free devalues it to the point where it becomes worthless. But these critics are plainly fools - the music of Nine Inch Nails has always been kind of worthless to everyone except for panda-eyed 13-year-olds with BO and a low-level interest in self harm. This just levels the playing field out a bit.
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America Quite Likes Leona Lewis’ Soppy Songs

by Matthew Laidlow

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. That’s one of the many mottos passed down to us from our fathers who subsequently had the same advice given to them from their own decaying parents.

And with this firmly drilled in to her mind, it’s good to see Leona Lewis has taken the same advice. As her appearance on X Factor 2006 dragged on, her singing style never really changed that much. Any song with a BPM over 40 was totally inappropriate for her. Instead she belted out ballad after ballad keeping grannies, young children and people in comas extremely happy. After boring us all silly with her hit Bleeding Love she’s now done the same to our American chums. She’s only ruddy gone to number one in the album charts!

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Calvin Harris Loses Second Album. World Rejoices.

by hecklerspray staff

Calvin Harris may be a lot of things but a good musician slash DJ is not one of them.

So it comes as very good slash nice news that, on route to the UK from the US, baggage handlers lost the baggage that happened to contain a laptop on which the only copy of his second album was contained.

If God existed we would thank him right now.

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