Being a celebrity rocks because it gives you a higher vantage point over normal people. So what if you won a reality show five years ago, that ounce of fame means you can still be photographed picking up dogmuck five years later and newspapers will brand it as news.

Famous people often branch out from what they’re known for to make us believe they care about other people. This is what Lily Allen and a host of others have done – they’ve all contributed to War Child’s new album.

When news reports aren’t all focused on the weather or how we’ve messeded up the planet we’re told about other equally depressing issues. Not a day goes by without some sort of fear being waved in our faces. Job cuts, war and financial buggery are just a few hot topics for instant depression. And, if you’re a Daily Mail reader, immigrants are solely responsible.

So who’s going to change the world? Will it be our ever reliable government with its shaky prime minister who makes promises that always go tits up? Or will it be that bloke from the rival party? You know the middle-aged man who desperately wants to be hip and trendy like America’s new presidential equivalent Barack Obama?

A person in their field solving a problem? Don’t be daft, we need a celebrity. Quick! Blow the celebrity horn so we can gather a bunch of people together who collectively will be so delusional with fame that they believe that they can solve everything. We’ve already seen Band Aid attempt to solve the crisis in Africa to no effect, so what’s the next on the musical agenda of making a problem go away?

Well we’re having a sing-song for War Child this time it seems. A gang of artists has gotten together to record some songs for a new compilation album. But are the tracks fresh slabs of musical meat for the hungry musical masses to chomp on? No, instead we get treated to some cover versions which don’t particular look like they’re going to do the originals any justice.

There are some songs that should never be messed with because they are ridiculously awesome. Estelle seems a bit blind to this unwritten rule and has chosen Stevie Wonder’s Superstition to try and cover. We haven’t heard the result yet, but we aren’t expected anything that will rewrite musical history.

The album has attracted the attention of some fairly well-known people, but will their time spent recording someone else’s song help the plight of someone in wartorn Iraq? Judge for yourself, as the full list of contributors has just been released. Feast your eyes if you dare:

Beck – Bob Dylan’s Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat
Scissor Sisters – Roxy Music’s Do The Strand
Lily Allen ft Mick Jones – The Clash’s Straight To Hell
Duffy – Wings‘ Live And Let Die
Elbow - U2’s Running To Stand Still
TV On The Radio – David Bowie’s Heroes
Hot Chip – Joy Division’s Transmission
The Kooks – The Kinks‘ Victoria
Estelle – Stevie Wonder’s Superstition
Rufus Wainwright – Brian Wilson’s Wonderful/Song For Children
Peaches – Iggy And The Stooges’ Search And Destroy
The Hold Steady – Bruce Springsteen’s Atlantic City
The Like – Elvis Costello’s You Belong To Me
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – The Ramones‘ Sheena Is A Punk Rocker
Franz Ferdinand – Blondie’s Call Me

At best it looks like a tracklisting that would appear on one of Jo Whiley’s tragic Live Lounge albums. Perhaps instead of telling people what to do, maybe they should venture to these places instead of leaving mouthy rants on their MySpace blog about how much enriched they feel. Then again, we have got a member of the Royal Family actually battling away so we can’t knock him for that. Though the use of supposed racist language doesn’t help him. The silly ginger dressing Nazi.

War Child is nothing short of an amazing charity that raises funds to try and make life better for children who felt the effects of war. But somehow we don’t think that buying this record will cure any problems.

We’re more than happy to actually donate a wedge of cash instead of boosting some tosspot celebrity’s ego by buying into their latest project.

Bono and the other members of U2 have been threatening to release No Line On The Horizon for a while now and finally they’ve delivered the bombshell with a March 19 2009 release. Is one new release bad enough? No, Bono has to be an extravagant twat and release it five bloody times.

Of course this isn’t a move designed to fill the bands pockets with enough cash to enjoy a lifetime supply of potatoes and Guinness. No, surely releasing the same product five different times is a celebration of all things U2 and a test to see who’d actually buy the same crap again and again. Think of it as an intelligence test without having to work out which funny shape connects the pattern.

Once people either download it illegally or stump up some cash for the bog-standard CD version, what’s going to be so special about the new album No Line On The Horizon? We have some suggestions of what we’d like to see included with the album. You know, just so Bono and the rest of his merry band of rockers can disappear further up their own arses as they rejoice together for pushing the boundaries of album packaging and superfluous additional extras.

For £20 extra, an interview with the band’s creator Larry Mullen, Jr. It would be nice to hear what he thinks. As we all know, Bono just takes over all conversation and namedrops his mates such as the Pope and Bill Clinton.

For £40 extra, a replica copy of Bono’s magical sunglasses. Maybe we’ll be able to tell if they source his power and make him act like the moron we know and love.

For £100 extra, a used hat from The Edge.

Whilst we know they’d go down stupidly well with the legions of U2 stalker fans, it seems that their record company don’t see things like us. As the NME reports, the additional three versions aren’t anything like ours:

“The digi-pack version offers the full album along with a 36-page booklet, a fold-out poster and a downloadable film by Corbijn, featuring the music of U2. A magazine version of the album comes with a 60-page soft cover magazine-style book, along with the Corbijn film as a download. The most excessive of the five releases is the box set, which features a 60-page hardback book, a second poster and a DVD version of Corbijn’s film.”

Oh wow! A poster! Something that’s printed on paper! For hours on end, we can stare in utter awe at a picture of bloody U2. Who would have thought a band would ever think of releasing pictures of themselves in moody looking poses as they stand against a backdrop of a beach, coffee shop or burning car?

And a U2 magazine? We shudder to think what crap they’ll use to fill 60 pages with. Perhaps loads of photos of their faces with captions like ‘We are brilliant’ ‘Feel the love’ and ‘Don’t eat Irish pork’.

Whatever the case, we at least know of one album that won’t feature in our 2009 best-of list. If we wanted to listen to the older generation babbling on about non-important issues, we’d check into an old folk’s home. At least there they might have cool stories about war and stuff.

Britney Spears’ 2008 is ending with her new album Circus at number one in America – and she’s also the first ever SoundScan artist to have four albums sell 500,000 week-one copies.

So well done – Britney Spears’ year has ended better than it started. But then again she did start it in a mental hospital – Britney could have caught Ebola off a rabid zombie meerkat while falling down a lift shaft and the year would have still been an upswing for her.

Everyone loves a story of redemption, especially at this time of year. That’s why people love A Christmas Carol - it wouldn’t be nearly as popular if it ended with Ebeneezer Scrooge punching Tiny Tim down a flight of stairs, machine-gunning a puppy and then hanging himself in the middle of the town square, would it?

And Britney Spears’ year has been a little bit like A Christmas Carol. Not a huge amount, admittedly – instead of being visited by ghosts, Britney Spears was deemed too mentally unwell to feed or dress herself and then, rather than redeeming herself by welcoming a festive spirit of goodwill into her heart, Britney made a record where she went “UHH Pappi LOVE you! UHH Pappi LOVE you!” about 15 times in a row – but a bit.

Anyway, by getting her act together enough to release and promote a new album properly, the redemptive message is loud and clear – Britney Spears is still a bit mental but at least she’s got a proper haircut now – and the American public have rewarded her for it by buying Circus in droves.

You know what this means? Britney Spears is number one again! Reuters reports:

“Circus,” the sixth studio album for Spears, sold 505,000 copies in the United States during the week ended Dec. 7, one of the biggest debuts of the year. She becomes the only artist in tracking firm Nielsen SoundScan’s 17-year history to have four albums sell 500,000 copies or more in their first week.

While that’s enough of an impressive double-combo as it is, it’s not all – Circus by Britney Spears has also made history by being the best-ever selling album to sound like it was recorded by Professor Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair after it was struck by lightning and learnt to kill, plus it’s the only number one album of the year where the cover features a picture of the singer pulling a face like a laboratory puppy pleading with strangers to put it out of its misery.

So our hearty congratulations go to Britney Spears for the success of Circus. She’s back where she belongs now – at number one, drunk on success and on the precipice of a giant career-threatening mental breakdown. And so say all of us.

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If you’ve never been lucky enough to hear anything from Paris Hilton’s self-titled debut album, we’ve basically summed up how it sounds above.

Senseless screams that not even studio engineering could cover up were released by the heiress who wrongly thought we’d all go “omg that is so like awesomely mega kewl!” when we heard it. With disastrous sales you’d think the message would be clear and our wonk-eyed American friend would stop making music. Sadly not it seems – Paris Hilton has is apparently planning to annoy us again, this time with an album inspired by Kylie Minogue.

The people at the job office must really bang their heads against the walls when they see Paris Hilton coming. Let’s face it, she hasn’t got the most impressive CV in the world, despite dipping her feet into all sorts of professions.

The perverted can see Paris Hilton stark bollock naked in the poorly-punned porno One Night In Paris. OK, so adult entertainment wasn’t going to be a career for our hotel heiress. So what about real acting where you have to remember lines of a film script and act accordingly? Following her performance in the 2005 flick House Of Wax, Paris did receive an award. Sadly it was for being the worst actress of that year.

So back to the small screen – reality shows are as good as Paris can go to try and look like a normal person. Using The Simple Life, Paris Hilton ultimately proved that tasks like boiling a kettle or using a knife and fork are actually quite complex procedures. At the moment, Paris is introducing us to a whole new generation of vain, eccentric, weird and general twats to the world via her new show Paris Hilton Is My New BFF.

Bun then there’s music. In 2006, the world shed a few tears as Paris released an album full of painful songs. The sort of pain you get when you accidentally splash vinegar into a cut or step on glass. Despite a PR blitz, the album spectacularly bombed. All that could be salvaged from the wreck was the video for Stars Are Blind where Paris could be seen rolling around in a bikini. However, it looked more like she was picking fish out of her arsecrack, as her supposed erotic video was as convincing as her porno.

Speaking like a five-year-old who managed to stay in the lines for the first time, Paris proudly said about the upcoming album:

“I wrote all the songs. It’s very dance like Kylie Minogue”.

But before you can get a cheap laugh, the album may not surface for a while as no-one has officially signed Paris to their label. Oh no, we’ll never hear songs like I Have More Money Than You, “I Want Cake And Icecream Now!, Time To Go Party and Excuse Me Peasant, Can You Wipe My Arse, I’ve Just Had A Banging Shit.

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But so far there’s been so much kerfuffle about everything surrounding Circus – like the documentaries, the artwork, the tracklisting, the likelihood of Britney Spears going berserk and smearing her genitals up and down a shop window a day after its release – that nobody really knows what Circus by Britney Spears actually sounds like.

Well, we do. And it seems like the classic Britney Spears sound is back – you know, sort of generic and forgettable and not very good. How do we know this? Because all of Circus by Britney Spears is available on the internet. Where on the internet? Why, right after the jump if you close your eyes and believe enough.

Since it’s her great big comeback album – the album where she’s controversially not going to shave all her hair off and run through the streets babbling unintelligible threats in a sub-Madonna British accent while promoting it – Britney Spears has piqued all sorts of interest with her new album Circus.

For instance, Circus is being released on Britney Spears’ birthday? Why is that? Does it signal her rebirth as a recording artist? And why is it called Circus anyway? Is it a reflection of the media attention that Britney Spears has received? Is it because Britney Spears has been made to feel like a performing bear? Is it because Britney Spears can only be kept in one place if there’s a man with a chair and a whip near her at all times? Is it because, instead of rational thought, the only noise going through Britney Spears’ head at any given time is a warped nightmarish version of Entrance Of The Gladiators by Julius Fučík?

To be honest we were hoping that some of these questions would be answered by next week’s Britney: For The Record documentary that’s being released to help promote Circus but, since most previews have described the documentary as basically an hour of anguished squealing, that’s not going to happen.

Instead we’ll just have to wait for Britney Spears to release Circus and then pick through it for clues about Britney’s mental state. Or, alternatively, since Britney Spears has decided to stream Circus through imeem for free a week before it comes out, we’ll just do that instead. And you can, too. Here, have a listen…

So it turns out that Circus by Britney Spears sounds like that one ‘N Sync album from seven years ago, then. That’s not necessarily a bad thing – at least seven years ago Britney hadn’t been sent doolally by childbirth, Kevin Federline and multiple appearances on How I Met Your Mother.

If you’re like us, you’re probably finding it quite hard to pick a favourite song on Circus. Not because the songs are all so good – or so bad, for that matter – but because this seems to be Britney’s ‘babble like a mental alien’ album. So, rather than pick a favourite song, we’ve decided to list our top three nonsensical Britney Spears yelps from Circus instead:

3 - Haha hihi haha ho” – If U Seek Amy

2 - “Glayeeass glayeeass glayeeass glayeeass” – Shattered glass

1 - “Oompapa oompapa oompapi oompapi ooh papi ooh papi ooh lammy ooh lappy ooh papi uh ow” – Mmm Papi

You’re welcome.

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But at other times Michael Jackson falls out with people because he goes to live with them and then doesn’t pay his way. That’s the case with Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain, who’s suing Michael Jackson for taking an advance on a recording contract and not seeing it through, amongst other things.

Apparently Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa paid Michael Jackson a $7 million advance for his participation in a joint recording project that never happened. Some observers are claiming that this lawsuit could spell financial ruin for Michael Jackson. However, given that the alternative is the release of an album of duets by Michael Jackson and a rapping sheikh, that’s something we’d be absolutely happy to live with.

If we were Michael Jackson, this week would be the worst week of our lives. Just a few days ago Michael Jackson lost his beloved Neverland ranch and now he’s being sued by a vengeful sheikh for millions of dollars. That’s a double combo of misery that not many could take.

However – simply because no children have accused him of wanking them off and no large chunks of his face have plopped off into his soup during dinner – this actually counts as a fairly decent week for Michael Jackson. Oh Michael Jackson, you’re such a glass half full kinda guy.

But, anyway, that doesn’t detract from the fact that Michael Jackson is being sued by Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain. Remember Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa? Of course you do – he’s the man who Michael Jackson hightailed it to after he was acquitted of child molestation. He put Michael Jackson up in Bahrain while Jackson decided to make his comeback by recording an album with the sheikh.

Somewhat predictably, the deal fell through a few months later and Michael Jackson hightailed it out of Bahrain just as fast as he’d gone there. Which would be fine, except that Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa says he paid Michael Jackson $7 million for the album, and he’s suing Jackson to get it back. AP reports:

Al Khalifa wanted to work with Jackson on rebuilding his career. To that end, the sheikh spent millions paying Jackson’s legal fees, moving him to Bahrain and supporting Jackson, his family and entourage. The expenses included $350,000 for a European vacation for Jackson and his associates. “The cost even included the expenses of bringing out Mr. Jackson’s hairdresser. It’s not a conventional commercial dispute.”

Now, this isn’t the first time that Michael Jackson has been sued before, and we think we know the deal here – Michael Jackson will stall for as long as he can and then an arrangement will be made that involves about 15 oddly-named umbrella finance firms which are all subsidiaries of one another who’ll shunt Michael Jackson’s debt around with such confusing frequency that it’d even make Carol Vorderman lose all semblance of bowel control.

Or Michael Jackson could win the lawsuit, which could happen. Or, worst case scenario, Michael Jackson could agree to pay the $7 million outright. And that’s a lot of handshakes.

Really, though, we’re just disappointed that Michael Jackson didn’t make the album he’s accused of bailing on. After all, who wouldn’t want to hear the fruits of a recording session between Michael Jackson and an obscenely wealthy Middle Eastern sheikh who fancies himself as a bit of an amateur songwriter and performer?

But sadly it didn’t happen, and so we’re left with only dreams of what could have been. Those dreams, incidentally, include the release of the following songs:

Hippy Hippy Sheikh

Sheikh Down

Sheikh A Leg

Sheikh Your Groove Thing

Sheikh That Ass

Sheikh Appeal

Chicken Sheikh

Sheikh Dog Sheikh

Boom! Sheikh The Room

OK, we’re just going to go and kill ourselves now.

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But, aside from the fact that it’s called Circus and the lead single from it sounds like a berserk feminist cyborg running out of power, nobody knows a darn thing about Britney Spears’ new album. Until now, that is, because the album art and tracklisting to Circus by Britney Spears has just been released. We know. At least try to contain yourself.

From what we can tell from the sleeve, Circus by Britney Spears seems to be a concept album about a slightly morose woman spending so much money on lawyers in a failed attempt to win custody of her children that she’s resorted to getting her album art done on the cheap in one of those bleepy Japanese photobooths you find in arcades. As for the tracklisting, you’ll need to read on for that.

Britney Spears albums always reflect Britney’s state of mind at the time she made them. …Baby One More Time and Oops!… I Did It Again were released when Britney Spears was just a young girl with nothing to worry about other than her excessive and grammatically-confusing use of ellipsis. Britney showed that Britney Spears had become famous enough to carry an album by her first name alone. In The Zone showed Britney’s first sign of rebellion, where she stood in collection zone B at Argos even though her receipt clearly directed her to collection zone D. Then Blackout reflected the fact that Britney Spears could barely go a day without collapsing or vomiting onto boys.

And now Britney Spears is releasing Circus, a cute nod to the fact that watching Britney Spears perform these days is like watching a sad-eyed Russian bear covered in cigarette burns hop around joylessly on a metal platform that’s got an electrical current running through it.

The difference between Blackout and Circus is both clear and immediate. In the artwork to Blackout, Britney Spears can be seen getting off with a sexy priest, but the just-released cover of Circus shows that the old Britney Spears is back – the Britney Spears who couldn’t be any less offensive if she was made from digestive biscuits and rainwater.

But the patronisingly cheap-looking artwork to Circus isn’t all that’s just been released – the final tracklisting for the album has also been announced. So let’s analyse that instead:

1. Womanizer – Already a number one hit. Sample lyrics: “Womanizer womanizer/ womanizer/ Oh! Womanizer oh! Womanizer.”

2. Circus - The next single. Sample lyrics: “Circus circus circus/ circus oh!/ Circus circus oh! Circus/ circus/ Oh!”

3. Out From Under – An alarmingly graphic description of what it was like to be stuck underneath Adnan Ghalib in the moments directly after his ejaculation.

4. Kill The Lights – Originally entitled Kill The Whites.

5. Shattered Glass – An account of the time that Britney Spears smashed up a car with an umbrella. Alternative titles included Dented Bonnet, Ruptured Grill and Tatty Exhaust Pipe.

6. If U Seek Amy – A song about the amygdala, the part of the brain that controls arousal and fear and is therefore the only part of Britney Spears’ brain that actually works properly.

7. Unusual You – AKA The Lack Of Self-Awareness Song.

8. Blur – A song about 1990s Britpop band Blur. The belated follow-up to 2002’s Shed Seven.

9. Mmm Papi – Originally supposed to be a cover version of Oom Pa Pa from the musical Oliver that had to be changed at the last minute because Britney Spears can’t even pronounce simple words properly.

10. Mannequin – An appreciation of the 1987 sex doll comedy rendered wistful by the fact that the director Michael Gottileb never directed anything other movies after 1993’s Hulk Hogan film Mr Nanny.

11. Lace and Leather – Where Britney Spears describes her favourite bedroom outfit. Her favourite, mind you, not the one the wears most nights, otherwise it’d be called Incontinence Pants And A Boxer’s Gumshield To Stop Me Gnawing Through My Restraints.

12. My Baby – The song where Britney Spears realises she can’t remember what either of her children look like because it’s been so long she was last declared mentally well enough to see them.

13. Radar – A climactic reevaluation of the invention of radar. Includes the line “Your electromagnetic waves identify the range, altitude, direction or speed of both moving and fixed objects such as aircraft, ships, motor vehicles, weather formations, and terrain/ Oh baby baby.”

But apparently it is. You see, the real Beyonce is quiet, timid, dowdy and about as sexy as a damp dishcloth. The girl you see onstage flapping her bumcheeks together and shouting about her jelly like it’s a bomb that’s about to go off is actually Beyonce’s alter-ego, a woman named Sasha Fierce.

And Sasha Fierce is about to make her voice heard even more, because Beyonce has decided to name her new album I Am… Sasha Fierce. What’s even more interesting is that I Am… Sasha Fierce is going to be a double album, proving once and for all that not only is Sasha Fierce Beyonce’s aggressive, outspoken and glamourous side, but also her side that doesn’t seem to have any form of inbuilt quality control whatsoever.

Beyonce wouldn’t be Beyonce if she didn’t give each of her albums a breathtakingly awful title. Her last album, you’ll remember, was released on Beyonce’s birthday. And, since Beyonce’s name and the word ‘birthday’ both begin with the letter B, she used her exceptional logic to name the album after the thing that Frenchmen wash shit out of their arses with. Genius.

But Beyonce isn’t going to make that mistake again – not since that last album caused her to give children seizures and smash her own face into pulp – so she’s thought long and hard about the title of her new album, due out next month. And she’s come up with…

Well she’s come up with I Am… Sasha Fierce, soon to be know among all the hip kids as I Am Dramatic Pause Sasha Fierce. It’s an odd title, until you realise that Sasha Fierce is actually Beyonce’s alter-ego, at which point it becomes a frothingly berserk title. But let’s let Beyonce explain herself instead. BBC News reports:

I Am… Sasha Fierce reveals an alternate persona which the former Destiny’s Child star says allows her to “take more risks”. “Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, aggressive, outspoken and glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage,” she said. “I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work,” the star said.

Well thank God that Sasha Fierce exists, because God knows we’ve long though that Beyonce was too woeful, chaste, laid-back, introverted and ugly to be a proper pop star. Unless of course Beyonce meant that Sasha Fierce was even more sensual, aggressive and outspoken than her, in which she sounds like mid-meltdown Britney Spears, and that’s no fun at all.

But whoever Sasha Fierce is, we’re going to know the bleeder inside out by the end of next month, because Beyonce has decided to make I Am… Sasha Fierce a double album. And given that Beyonce’s usual album tactic is to record two decent singles, fill the rest of it up with wishy-washy ballads about nothing, then make everyone buy a deluxe version of the album two months later with another single and 15 more crappy ballads on it, this seems like a mistake.

But there are still a few more weeks until I Am… Sasha Fierce is released, which is why we’re urging Beyonce to give the album a more accurate title before it’s too late. We’ve even drawn up a shortlist for her to choose from:

I Am… Unable To Self-Edit

I Am… Letting My Fame Go To My Head A Little Bit

I Am… Never Going To Be Listened To All The Way Through By Anyone More Than Once

I Am… Probably Going To Be Mostly Ignored On iTunes

I Am… Desperate To Not Let Rihanna Be More Famous Than Me

Pick whichever one you want, Beyonce. They’re all yours.

Last week saw the release of a new Tim McGraw album, and Tim McGraw wants everyone to know how completely sorry he is about it. You see, Tim McGraw was upset because the new album was a Greatest Hits collection and it was full of his most famous old songs that people enjoy listening to, rather than the collection of new bad rubbish that he wanted to release.

So, to counter this, Tim McGraw has released a statement showing his anger at the album’s release and pleading with fans not to buy it. And, in turn, Tim McGraw’s record label’s next release will be a collection of Tim McGraw b-sides all performed by crying children trapped down a well with a tuba player and fanged clown.

You never really equate artistry with the country music scene, do you? Blind patriotism, yes. Alcoholism, yes. Domestic abuse and accusations of paedophilia, yes. Reckless gunplay, yes. But not artistry.

But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in this case it’s Tim McGraw. Tim McGraw is precious about his music. The conception of a new song is a tender, joyous thing to Tim McGraw, especially since he cloaks each new creation in subtle layers of sociopolitical commentary. For instance, did you know that Do You Want Fries With That is actually a critique of the Belsen school hostage crisis? And That’s Why God Made Mexico is a paean to the Jobs and Growth Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2003? No, us neither. We just made it up.

But just because all his songs are about chips and Mexicans, it doesn’t mean that Tim McGraw isn’t fiercely protective of his music. We already know that Tim will get medieval on anyone whose wife-beating shenanigans threaten to overshadow his songs, and now he’s proved that he isn’t even afraid to stick it to his own record company.

Last week saw the release of Tim McGraw’s Greatest Hits 3, the latest in the much-loved collection of Tim McGraw Greatest Hits albums that includes Tim McGraw’s Greatest Hits 1 and another one that we’ve forgotten the name of. All the hits are on the new album, from Angry All The Time to a collaboration with Def Leppard that should probably only be played to rapists as a form of punishment.

But McGraw isn’t happy about it, partially because he’s only released one new album since his last Greatest Hits album, and he’s released a statement warning fans about it:

I am saddened and disappointed that my label chose to put out another hits album instead of new music. I’ve only had one studio album since my last hits package. It has to be just as confusing to the fans as it is to me. I had no involvement in the creation or presentation of this record. Sure I love the songs, and I don’t want to take anything away from all the creative people who were a part of making those records. But the whole concept is an embarrassment to me as an artist. In the spirit of an election year, I would simply say to my fans ‘I’m Tim McGraw and I don’t approve their message.’

A procession of Greatest Hits albums is always a sign that an artist is creatively on the slide, and we’re sure that Tim McGraw is aware of this. He’s currently working on a brand new studio album, and he’d obviously rather be judged on that than a tired old repackaging of his older work.

So let’s hope Tim McGraw hurries up and releases this new album of his. He’d better, because there’s a Greatest Hits 4 album is due out next Wednesday, and at the moment it hasn’t got any flipping songs in it.

Back in the old days Lil’ Kim could usually be relied on to cause a ruckus by lying about shootings and getting sent to jail for it or whatnot but, now that she’s a little bit older, Lil’ Kim seems to have taken her eye off the balls. Sure, Lil’ Kim still gets in trouble, but only for not delivering albums she’s been paid to make.

As such, Lil’ Kim is being sued by her record label. Although a little lawsuit might not seem like much, it’s actually an indication of something far far worse than any of us could have ever imagined – there are a handful of people on earth who actually want to hear a new Lil’ Kim album. We’re scared. Hold us.

Ever since she had a year in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy and perjury, Lil’ Kim has pretty much kept herself to herself. But don’t think that her legacy has diminished any – her music is still used by millions as a silky smooth lovemaking soundtrack. In fact, if we had a pound for every baby that was conceived to Lil’ Kim songs like Shut Up Bitch or Suck My Dick or Fuck You, then we’d have quite a hefty donation to give to that charity for children with really angry parents.

But just because she’s had a few years of downtime, it doesn’t mean that Lil’ Kim hasn’t been busy. She has. Lil’ Kim has been fantastically busy not doing stuff that she’s been paid to do, and that can take a lot out of a girl. Back in July Lil’ Kim was sued for failing to submit the manuscript for her autobiography that she’d been paid $40,000 to write.

And, while we don’t think we’ll ever get over not being able to read an autobiography by a woman we barely even remember exists most of the time, that’s not the end of Lil’ Kim’s problems. Apparently she’s also failed to finish an album she’s been given ages to make, as People reports:

In a lawsuit filed earlier this week, record label Brookland Media claims the Grammy-winner hasn’t delivered the tracks she promised after the company spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on recordings and equipment. The label also claims it spent $12,000 per month to rent a house near Lil’ Kim’s New Jersey home.

Hopefully this lawsuit can be worked out without it becoming too serious on either side. We expect that Lil’ Kim hasn’t finished the album because she’s just suffering from a touch of writer’s block at the moment.

After all, when you’ve had a career as long as Lil’ Kim’s, it has to be hard to think up new offensively blunt sexual song titles without repeating yourself. So, in our role as unofficial and unappointed Lil’ Kim lawsuit mediators, here’s a handful of song titles that Lil’ Kim is welcome to use for her new album:

* Queef In Ya Mouf

* Look At My Tits

* Pussy Like A Large Hadron Collider

* O Do B Kwyit

* I Like Sex

* Pot Noodle Clodge

* Give Me Your Dick, Actually Give It To Me, Saw It Off With A Hacksaw Now And Give It To Me Or You’ll Never See Your Family Again

* Acorn Of Bum

Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing.

It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.

Paul McCartney hasn’t been in the spotlight for his musical ability recently. Firstly he had to deal with his second wife Heather Mills, who accused him of all sorts of wrongdoings. Once she was disposed of, Paul got all kissy kissy with a millionaire called Nancy Shevell. The two have been spotted together regularly and have probably caused all sorts of embarrassment for their children as they are forced to watch their parents eat each other’s face off.

Lately it was all about Paul McCartney and Israel. Not taking to peace and freedom that well, terrorists threatened to blow him up and force everyone to burn their Stella McCartney designer burkas. Triumphantly, the nasty Middle Eastern men didn’t attempt to disrupt the gig and, instead, they got their asses kicked off an old man. Take that you pesky terrorists! We have the weapon of music.

Now Paul’s back to release more records that will probably be crap, but bizarrely lauded because he used to be in The Beatles. Instead of writing more terrible love songs about coconuts or coyotes, or producing cringe-worthy classical music, Paul is instead going to rave it up big style. It’ll be the perfect record to get wasted to as all your mates come round to have one of those Skins parties where everyone wears clothes from Topshop, gets pissed off a can of cider and ends up shagging everyone else by the end of the night.

So what will be the end product of Paul McCartney’s dance direction sound like? How about a bit of early house music sounding house music? Or does he want to mash up our ears and record an entire album of 200bpm gabba colliding with some jungle influences for shits and giggles?

Either way, we are genuinely interested in seeing what he comes out with. No seriously, after this album we look forward to his ghetto rap album where Paul McCartney collaborates with Snoopy Dog, Kanye West and Lil Wayne. There can’t be that many other genres he hasn’t had a stab at.

But wait! The pesky Scouser is trying to throw you by releasing this record under a pseudonym. Going under the guise of The Fireman, Paul must be pretty sure this record will be hot stuff when it’s released. Ouch, our hands will be burnt after touching the CD, and our speakers may just melt from the heat emitted from the album. It should really carry a health warning.

Now, we always thought a lot of care and thought went into a song from an ex-Beatle. But as the BBC reports, it seems that he found the process quite an easy one:

“Each song was written by Sir Paul and recorded in the space of one day.”

As we said, it won’t matter if the end product is gash. They’ll be plenty of people telling him it’s the best thing since Brian Eno and early works of Aphex Twin.

Or maybe we’re jealous that our album of rubbing elastic bands against cups hasn’t been snapped up yet.

Yes, that’s right – Britney Spears has got a new album coming out soon. According to a just-released missive from her record label, Britney Spears’ new album is to be called Circus and will be released on December 2, with a new single entitled Womanizer coming out next week.

It’s exciting stuff, but why has Britney Spears chosen to call her new album Circus? Well it’s easy – Britney Spears wanted to name her album after the best description for the inside of her own head. Other contenders for the album title were Swirling Kaleidoscope Of Terrifying Cackles, The Theme-Tune To Taxi On An Unrelenting Loop and Barely-Pulsating Gloop.

Britney Spears is now in something of a privileged position when it comes to releasing albums. When her last album Blackout was released, Britney Spears basically promoted it by smearing dog poo on a dress and mumbling three words to Ryan Seacrest and nothing else.

What that means is that however Britney Spears chooses to promote her new album Circus, it’s going to be seen as a dazzling comeback on the scale of her triumphant MTV VMAs appearance last week where Britney Spears looked terrified and vague and wasn’t allowed to speak for more than half a second at a time in case she went berserk but at least did it wearing quite a nice dress.

Oh, yeah. Circus. Did we mention that Britney Spears has got a new album coming out called Circus? And it’s being released in December? And a new single is exactly one week away? We did? Well here’s the information we’ve just been emailed by Britney’s record label Jive:

Britney Spears announces her sixth studio album, Circus, set for release December 2nd. The first single from the album is titled “Womanizer” and was produced by the up-and-coming Atlanta production team The Outsyders. The album release date coincides with Spears’ birthday. Jive Records is preparing her latest album, Circus, a follow-up to her critically well received album, Blackout. For her latest effort, Britney has enlisted a stellar group of established producers/writers that include Dr. Luke (who wrote and produced the album’s title track, “Circus”), Danja, Max Martin, Bloodshy & Avant and Guy Sigsworth (Madonna, Alanis Morissette, Bjork).

That all looks as if it’s in working order. Max Martin’s back working for Britney Spears again, which is a positive sign. Well, not a positive sign as such, but at least a sign that Britney’s making a return to the kind of infectious pop that was fashionable a decade ago. And, compared to Blackout, where Britney Spears tried to rip-off Justin Timberlake’s last album and ended up sounding like a horrible mixture between a paper jam and a dial-up modem from 1997, that can only make the fans happy.

But still. Circus. Really, Britney? Circus? Apparently Circus is named after her life since the release of Blackout, but we’d tend to disagree on the basis that no circus we’ve ever been to has ever featured a bald red-eyed woman sitting on a pavement bawling for her life because she’s mentally ill and the authorities have taken her kids away from her. Jugglers, yes, but not that.

If Britney Spears really wanted to name her album after what her life has been like recently, she should have forgotten about Circus and called it Bleak East-European Arthouse Movie About The Unending Futility Of Existence.

Anyway, we’ll just have to wait and see what Circus by Britney Spears is like, but fingers crossed that it’s a return to form. Especially because if it’s a real success Britney will end up releasing a fragrance also called Circus, and we’d quite like it the army of idiots who normally buy Britney Spears fragrances all ended up stinking of monkey shit and gypsies.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

When Led Zeppelin reformed at the O2 stadium last year, some people got a little bit excited. It was just like the old days, they said, except that the member of the band seemed to be aging faster than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. It was like The Beatles reforming, they said, but only if someone had shot Ringo instead of John Lennon.

Following their show, Led Zeppelin could have toured the world a hundred times over and got rich enough to shove ten mudsharks up the fannies of every woman on the planet. But it wasn’t to be, because Robert Plant wanted to tour his fiddle-di-dee country album instead.

Maybe Led Leppelin will go on tour at some point, but don’t worry because Jimmy Page apparently has a two-part interim plan that goes as follows:

1) Introduce the British Olympics to the world by playing Whole Lotta Love with a girl off a talent show while pulling a face that makes it look as you’re being sucked off by a giant snail.

2) Record a new Led Zeppelin album.

Since part one has already been dealt with – and by the way, great job Jimmy, you really pulled off the facial expression part perfectly – that just leaves part two. Which is really happening. Or might be happening. Look, it probably isn’t happening, but don’t tell Jason Bonham because it looks as though he’s got his heart set on it. According to BBC News:

Led Zeppelin musicians Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham have been working on new material. Drummer Bonham told a radio station in Detroit that the songs could be destined for a new Led Zeppelin album. But lead singer Robert Plant has not been involved in any of the sessions, he added… “When I get there [in the studio] I never ask any questions. If I get a phone call to go and play, I enjoy every moment of it.”

Great, so there might be a new Led Zeppelin album coming out, but there probably won’t be and even if there is it won’t have Robert Plant wailing about Mordor all over it. That sounds excellent. No, really.

But listen. If this album is really happening, it’s incredibly important that you get Robert Plant back in the fold. Because otherwise you’ll have to find another singer to take his place. And you know who’s interested? Paolo Nutini.

No, we didn’t think you’d want that either.

This is because you have a pre-teen daughter, or because the whole world threw a giant hissy over her photos in Vanity Fair, or because you’re a bit pervy like the majority of hecklerspray readers, and virtually all of the male staff.  

But Miley Cyrus isn’t just kittens and cupcakes anymore. She’s angry, and she’s attempting to make the predictable jump from super sweet to angry and edgy in her new album. No, really. She totally is. 

Miley Cyrus has a lot to be angry about. Everyday she has to get up and make the challenging decision of ‘blond wig, or no wig’?  And then there’s her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, with mandatory bi-daily performances of Achy-Breaky Heart, complete with mullet and sleeveless flannel shirt.   

But what she really has to be mad about is boys. Boys make Miley Cyrus more than mad, they make her (gasp) angry. That’s right, her new album is going to be all hardcore and angry, and stuff. 

Miley unleashed her terrifying rage to Ryan Seacrest in a radio interview for KIIS-FM on Wednesday. Parental discretion is advised for reading the following statement from Miley as she describes her wrath about ex-boyfriends: 

"The word 'hate' could describe how angry I am. [It goes] through all the different stages of what's been going on the past couple years," Miley said. "It was like a little therapy moment for me."

Aside from those stages which include pre-training brassiere stage, training brassiere stage, and post-training brassiere stage, Miley has gone through some difficult stuff when it comes to boys, and she's hoping to get back at them through song. Miley also said: 

"I want them to be upset. That was my point. I was a little worried, but I'm excited that I just did it." 

These are the things that make for groundbreaking music. Look out, Avril Lavigne and Ashlee Simpson. There’s a new spurious, pseudo-angry rocker chick on the affluent suburban block.

And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.

Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy”. Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.

It’s great that Coldplay are back, isn’t it? Really, we’re not joking – if there’s one thing we enjoy it’s the sight of a band cartwheeling around on an iTunes advert in silhouette, so we don’t have to look at their shameful apologetic faces during it.

And make no mistake, Coldplay are back. Their new album Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends comes out on June 12; the band’s next step in their interminable ‘write album/ claim album is best album ever/ release album/ disown album/ write album’ recording cycle. The first single from the album was downloaded by two million mostly underwhelmed people, so everything’s in place for it to be tediously ubiquitous once it comes out.

And Coldplay aren’t taking any chances with this one, either – as well as free downloads and iTunes adverts and vinyl singles glued to magazines, the band wants to make sure that Viva La Vida doesn’t cause any adverse reactions – like making people involuntarily vomit and cry and deliberately shun all forms of human intimacy for the rest of their lives. And that’s why a duet that Coldplay recorded with Kylie won’t be appearing on the album.

Yes, Coldplay recorded a duet with Kylie. Apparently, it’s ‘too sexy’. We’re scared too. The Mirror reports:

Chris Martin has revealed Coldplay’s collaboration with Kylie will be released next year because it was too sexy to include on their new album. When he was asked why it didnt make it on to latest record Viva La Vida, he said: “Well, its just too sexy. At this point, we cannot be that sexy, also we haven’t quite finished it. It’s a song called Lunar and Kylie is particularly brilliant on it.”

Mmm, sexy. A scrawny-looking vegetarian who names his children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures singing a saucy song with a 40-year-old midget whose face increasingly resembles the Scream mask with a prolapsed eyebrow.

Thank God Coldplay didn’t release it – just think of all the spontaneous municipal orgies that’d happen every time it got played on the radio. Really, their concern for public hygiene is second to none.

Don’t get too comfortable, though, because Chris Martin is adamant the Kylie collaboration will be released on a record planned for the future. That record – Coldplay Sings The Songs That’ll Make You Sit In The Corner Of A Room In The Dark Trying To Claw The Repulsion From Your Skin With Your Fingernails – is due out next year, by the way.