Everything about Alan Carr is ridiculous. The high-pitched, squealing voice, the mincing walk, the thick black glasses and enormous teeth.

So it’s no surprise that his new Channel 4 talk show has a silly name too. Alan Carr: Chatty Man.

Who says “chatty” in real life? I imagine only mothers in the playground, whinging about someone being too chatty. Or not chatty enough. Or bullying them into an eating disorder. I don’t know. Alan Carr: Chat Man sounds a bit too much like a rubbish superhero. At least they didn’t go for a pun on his name and a cheeky Carry On-style innuendo about a gear-stick.

The first striking thing, aside from Alan’s face, is that the set is enormous. Made up to look like a 1970s house – key theme: brown – room after room is placed side-by-side, helpful for those with ultra-widescreen TVs, less helpful for the audience, squinting into the distance for half the show.

The opening monologue, shamelessly stolen from Every Chat Show Ever shows just how difficult it is to be relevant and funny on short notice. He brings up Cristiano Ronaldo despite not having a joke to make.

Things pick up once the guests come out, Bruce Forsyth, looking more and more like a cross between Mother Theresa and a walnut, arses about like someone half his age and banters well with Alan. Ross Kemp does the same, singing the Fruit and Fibre advert (which he appeared in before he was famous, as you’ve no doubt seen on 3,000 editions of Before They Were Famous) live, as you can see below if the video is on YouTube. All annoyingly good fun.

When Heather Graham comes on, she claims to be jetlagged and definitely hasn’t had a drink or seven. It must be weird to interview someone when you’ve seen them naked in a film. Weird in a good way, although Alan probably doesn’t hold an opinion either way about her minge. He doesn’t really carry this interview off as well as the other two: he’s better with guests who are more up for a laugh and titting about. She’s only here to promote her new movie, and it shows.

Overall, it’s a show of varying quality, completely dependent on who the guest is and how much they’re willing to put up with Alan’s squawky voice and camp banter. His enthusiasm is oddly endearing and if you skip through the rubbish guests (which there’ll probably be loads of) then the rest of the series will be worth a watch. C’mon, it’s on a Sunday night – what else are you going to watch, The South Bank Show?

This was a guest-blog by Nik Johnson out of that Shouting At Cows.

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